Friday, May 02, 2003

Ruben, Cowell to Battle

Paul Ruben, noted coaster "critic" and editor of alleged magazine Park World has agreed to do a celebrity boxing gig with Simon Cowell of American Idol fame. While details are sketchy at the moment, we do have word from excellent sources that that Don King has repeatedly offered to promote the match.

It seems that Cowell dissed Top Thrill Dragster after previewing the ride for an upcoming "AI at the park" Memorial Day special, declaring it "the worst kind of American trash...short in duration and long on hype." Ruben, who declared TTD to be his new number one coaster months before it actually was built, overhearing these remarks, threw down the gauntlet and challenged Cowell to a fight. There was even talk of a wager.

If Cowell wins the fight, Ruben must perform on stage for American Idol, where it is expected that he'll perform his usual gymnastics routine, doing backflips and cartwheels while singing the Cedar Fair anthem and stuffing parks' money into his pockets. If Ruben wins, then Simon must perform "Stan Checketts high-dive", launching himself off the top of TTD into a small wading pool underneath while repeatedly thrashing himself with a bullwhip. Enthusiasts everywhere should be ready for this epic battle of men who love the cameras.

--WJD

In related news, ARN&R has not been able to confirm that Ruben has any actual comparative basis for reported declarations that TTD is "better than sex." Nor has ARN&R been able to confirm allegations that he was arrested for public indecency in Cedar Point's parking lot attempting to obtain a basis for comparison. More news as we get it. --CJ

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