Sunday, May 25, 2003

Winona Ryder Busted Again

Last year, movie starlet Winona Ryder became the latest in a long and troubling wave of has-been celebrity criminal activities. Following an arrest for shoplifting, and a subsequent embarrassing court trial, many wondered whether the gamine would again turn to crime. Now they know, for the not-working-a-heck-of-a-lot actress was busted again yesterday, this time for attempting to shoplift the park’s signature Ghostrider coaster.

The incident occurred at Knott’s Berry Farm, where a surly Ryder was frisked leaving the park with what guards described as “a lot of added weight.” Said guard Jerry Painter, “I noticed a suspicious young lady with a huge bulge in her pants walking nervously toward the park exit. So I called out to her, ‘Hey honey, is that a top rated woodie in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’ I was kind of joking, but wanted to see what her reaction was, and she immediately broke into this frantic sprint for the gate. After we tackled her and used the Taser a few times to calm her down, we did a full body-cavity search and located our best roller coaster hidden on her.”

Park officials declined comment, pending prosecution of the crime. Ryder’s lawyers released a statement claiming, "just to cut it off at the pass," that Ryder was researching a film role where she may play a young lady who hides gargantuan amusement attractions in her ass, and is therefore innocent. The lawyers also noted that Ryder is researching possible movie parts as a crack whore, child pornographer, and serial goat rapist, and that she will also be innocent of any crimes committed in those fields, since she is just realistically preparing for roles.

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: For more on Ryder’s ongoing legal difficulties, please see her appearance in SFMM security files for rampant line jumping.]

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