Thursday, October 16, 2003

ARN&R Ban List Addendum

To Whom it May Concern:

After ARN&R published its list of persons banned from all of its functions, including future AbsolutelyReliableCons, we have received additional information from various important industry figures, including representatives of Six Flags, Cedar Fair, Paramount, the Boston Pops, and this guy Denny who lives in our apartment building and doesn't bathe regularly, but who seems like he'd know a lot about amusement park safety. These parties all wished to share and discuss names of individuals and groups banned from their establishments. After consultation with these experts, ARN&R has amended its banned list to also include all of the following:

- Enthusiasses who always follow everyone around blathering on in toolish fashion instead of taking a polite hint and getting lost. Especially that guy who always mumbles to himself and that stupid Blob.

- Anyone who shows up at a coaster event in a 70's blue jumpsuit or a red satin jacket. We recognize that those of us who write for this publication are hardly fashion plates, but one must draw a limit somewhere as to what is acceptable. That limit occurs when our eyes actually begin burning upon viewing a particular sartorial monstrosity.

- Ed Markey. Just because he's a complete dick.

- People who hump, mount, or pleasure themselves in any way on coaster supports.

- Anyone caught heaping more than seventeen burgers, pizza slices, hot dogs, or gallons of ice cream on their plates in one trip to the ACE buffet table. Aside from reducing event costs by eliminating the worst gluttony offenders, this will presumably keep that disgusting mound of lard Rush Limbaugh from infesting one of our events.

- Thunderp*ssy. Surely you don't think we're going to allow any of those drooling cretins associated with the Coaster Preservation Organization Formly [sic] Club attend any of our functions, do you?

- Xfan. We at ARN&R are deeply offended by the practice of bestiality, and those involved with such are not welcome at our functions.

We thank you for your attention.

The Staff of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors

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