Sunday, October 19, 2003

Scandalous Secrets of LeSourdsville Lake Revealed

Park enthusiasts and local families were justifiably upset when LeSourdsville Lake Amusement Park closed its gates indefinitely following the 2002 season, and the park remained closed all through the 2003 season with no indication that it would soon reopen. Although it was long assumed that the park had failed to operate based on a lack of funds, a new and terrible secret about the small park has been alleged.

ARN&R managed to obtain an interview with a former employee of the park. This employee, who is referred to from this point forward as Ride Dude X, admitted to ARN&R that the entire amusement park was just "a front for a massive sex farm."

"That was place was just all about the booty," said Ride Dude X. "It was all, like, family fun this and all that, but our real money was in selling adult tapes, lap dances, and renting out 'special fantasy rooms' for couples who like their wood a little rougher and a little more greased down than the Screechin' Eagle, if you catch my drift. And let’s not get started on the so-called rides we operated…ever wonder why we had attractions called the Serpent and the Zipper?”

Ride Dude X went on to note that "the local P.D. shut us down because of some obscure county law that prohibits people from using their genitals as whips or bludgeoning devices or some crap like that. But they didn't ever release that information to the media, probably because the police chief came here to rent stuff like Splendor in the Ass, Pulp Friction, You've Got Tail, and Wookies 'n' Cream."

When ARN&R representatives expressed skepticism over this news, Ride Dude X produced the following damning evidence to back up his claims:



“The K-Y Ride was our best seller, and our greatest downfall,” said Ride Dude X. “When the police busted us, they broke down the doors of the K-Y Ride and metric assloads…let me rephrase that…tremendous amounts of personal lubricant products poured and flowed everywhere. It looked like that K-Y fight scene in Old School, but with big fat cops and park workers instead of hot naked chicks.”

Local police department officials refused comment on the matter. ARN&R cannot verify if Ride Dude X’s information has any basis in fact or not, but we will vigilantly pursue the matter until the truth is certain.

--JCK

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