Sunday, August 03, 2003

Hersheypark Attraction Named

Breaking News

Although Hersheypark announced a few days ago that it would be adding an exciting new attraction to the park, executives refused at that time to release the name of this thrilling Pony Ride to the general public. After several days of breathless anticipation, ACErs (members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts) and the GP (scum) had their semi-patience rewarded by the Hersheypark's announcement, via their website, of what the Pony Ride's official moniker would be.

"Prepare for the unleashing of the ultimate in thrills and unholy terror," said the announcement. "Misty of Chincoteague: The Xtreme Armageddon promises to ride rough over visitors next Spring!"

Queries by ARN&R to various Hersheypark executives revealed that the MOC:TXA logo will feature a menacing demon horse charging toward the viewer, with foam and blood spewing left and right from a terrifying maw laden with razor-sharp fangs. Conflicting information makes it unclear whether Satan himself will be astride the cruel, evil beast, whipping it into a human-flesh-devouring frenzy, or whether Misty alone will be stampeding toward horrified onlookers.

The souvenir list has been refined since the initial announcement of the new ride. Products will include an "I Survived My Still-Beating Heart Being Torn From My Chest by Misty of Chincoteague and Devoured by Her as I Watched " T-shirt, onboard ride photos capturing the slack-jawed dismay and horror of being led in a circle on a regularly pooping animal at approximately 5 miles per hour, and a home knackery kit.

In a related story to be watched closely by ARN&R, playwright Peter Shaffer has announced plans to file a lawsuit against Hersheypark. "The use of the equine theme and the merchandising are all clearly inspired by Mr. Shaffer's play Equus, and we will be demanding a large percentage of their profits," his lawyer told us. "They are clearly the Vanilla Ice to our Queen."

--JCK