Friday, August 15, 2003

ThrillNetwork Club Announces Event, ERT

In a press release issued to all major news outlets, world-famous amusement park website and constant source of amusement ThrillNetwork announced its 2004 Club event. Surprising all those who noticed that the ThrillNetwork Club had disappeared from view, the announcement features exclusive ride time at not one but two venues:

"First up is a full hour of ERT on the Python Pit at up-and-coming park Jeepers!, in West Nyack, New York. We all have heard the stories about the Jeepers! in Olathe, Kansas, getting a flying B&M themed to the Faces of Death video series -- here's your chance to ask the management at this great park whether the Freddy vs. Jason dueling B&M inverted coaster rumors are true for this spot! ERT starts at 3:00 a.m. on February 21, 2004, and is contingent on more people than just that one dude named Roman showing up."

The press release continues:

"On the next day, a convenient 23-hour drive away, we'll have full run of the Chuck E. Cheese in South St. Paul, Minnesota, for a full 90 minutes. We're not quite sure, but we think they at least have some of those little cars you can ride for a quarter, and, well, there's pizza!"

A small-print disclaimer notes that nine-year-old Bobby Fleming of North St. Paul will also be holding a birthday party at the facility and asks members to refrain from eating his cake or friends.

Upon receiving the press release, the American Coaster Enthusiasts, CoasterBuzz, Thrillride!, Knoebel's, Cedar Point, and every other coaster group, website, or park planning an event for 2004 cancelled it. "Why bother trying to compete?" asked ACE President, Godmother of Soul, and Hardest Working Woman in Midlevel Poorly Managed Group Business Carole Sanderson.