Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Zeta-Jones Sues Over Link to Coaster Enthusiasts

Movie star and lawsuit enthusiast Catherine Zeta-Jones may sue various tabloid publications that imply she has used the Atkins diet, currently one of the most popular diets among coaster enthusiasts.

Zeta Jones, the star of the hit movie Chicago, vehemently denies using the low-carb diet in order to fit in the seats of Dueling Dragons after the birth of her second child. She also claims she has never taken dieting advice from a member of ACE or Coasterbuzz, let alone looked at or spoken to a coaster enthusiast. When questioned, her attorneys said they “intend to pursue claims on her behalf against each and every publication and/or coaster enthusiast organization responsible for the creation and initial growth of these false and damaging stories.”

When Ms. Zeta Jones was contacted for a comment on the coaster enthusiast community, she simply said, “ew.”

-MMS/CSB

[Editor's Note: For more of coverage of Catherine Zeta-Jones, please see article about her giving the bird to Montu cameras and search involving wrestling and sloppy porridge.]
Site O' the Weak

We got a little busy here at the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion, Country Club and Polo Grounds here lately, so we neglected to change our illustrious Site O' the Weak last week. Fortunately, the Scratch Park website, our previous pick, really is amazingly crappy. If anyone's going to be stuck there being mocked by ARN&R for two weeks straight, well, why not that site?

But we digress. With the exception of the designed-by-slow-children S&S site, we've kind of been picking on bad sites by enthusiasts for most of the run of the Site O' the Weak, but this time we showcase a professioanlly-designed corporate website so cretinously, vomitously awful that we can't believe we've failed to honor it yet: SixFlags.com.

Six Flags is obviously nervous about anyone actually getting to any pages within the site that could actually provide information, as their crack team of experts has created the most slow-loading, overblown, unwieldy front page ever. All those splashy colors, flashing ads, and zooming text sure make things easy to navigate!

Those trying to locate something useful, like, oh, say, when a park is open, are forced to experience page after page of Flash interfaces, confusing directions, and the impossiblity of skipping most of these stupid steps, all before reaching actual park pages, where one can...oh, be assaulted by more splashy colors, more confusing directions, more flashing ads, and more zooming text, plus exciting rollover park hour graphics that can only be cycled through one month at a time, in order, which might make it slightly irritating to plan a trip in October if you came across the Six Flags site in March. And we would spend some time discussing all the factual errors and poor editing at Sixflags.com, but our computer has unfortunately just threatened to ritually disembowel us with a wooden spoon if we don't immediately close down the window where we currently have their site running. Another time, perhaps.

Congratulations Six Flags! You may be a corporate monstrosity with massive debt and no concern for customer service, but at least you're the ARN&R Site O' the Weak!

--JCK