Friday, December 12, 2003

Offseason Leaves Enthusiasts Unable to Face Life

With the closing of the vast majority of North American amusement parks by the end of October comes the dreaded offseason. Depression experts fear this time of year more than any other.

"While we must always keep an eye on coaster fans at all times for signs of trouble, it is the beginning of the offseason that truly forces us to be vigilant," stated Dr. Victoria Abrahams, an expert in the field of clinical depression. "During the summer, enthusiasts can become depressed over someone else getting the last seventeen hot dogs at the buffet, have brain spasms caused by learning that a ride is not available for an ERT session, or even suffer from seeing lots of pretty girls in tank tops that they will never have any hope of having intercourse with."

Continued Abrahams, "But the offseason is where these enthusiasts truly become despondent. Without their coasters, the only means they have of communicating is by playing Roller Coaster Tycoon and submitting to forums."

Abrahams then called up ThemeParkCritic.com, and demonstrated a particularly alarming thread called "your choice of death oh [sic] a ride."

"We feel fortunate to have caught this early, while we still have time to do an intervention," said Abrahams. "Right now, we have police, grief counselors, and suicide prevention experts rushing to the scene to help assure these poor souls that they do not need to die or suffer due to the fact that they don't have coasters to ride. With assurances that parks will indeed open again this Spring, and also with some helpful doses of electro-convulsive therapy, we aim to convince these tormented depressives that they do not need to dream of being cut in half by a Wave Swinger or launched off the top of Top Thrill Dragster without being buckled down."

Abrahams added, "I guess you would get some pretty good airtime that way, though, wouldn't you?"

--JCK