Saturday, August 14, 2004

Very Special Olympic Rerun

In celebration of the start of the Olympic Games, we offer this extra very most special rerun treat of a past article involving the most important sporting event ever created, the Midway Olympics. And if those pricks John Tesh ("I can assault you with my music, my idiotic commentary and even my gorgeous, fluffy hair!") and Bob Costas ("The Central African Republic is in...central Africa!") get on your nerves over the next couple weeks (and they will), be sure to visit ARN&R for all the breaking news updates you need. Or something.

PKD Midway Olympics Revised

Paramount’s King’s Dominion developed a little special treat for ACE members attending the historic 25th anniversary Coaster Con, to be held next week at the popular Virginia park. As reported in the event flyer and in ACE News, PKD will be featuring the PKD Midway Olympics, which was to be “team tournament play in all our favorite Midway games: Whack-A-Mole, Quarter Toss, Skee Ball, Ring Toss, Basketball Free Throw, and others.”

Unfortunately, vehement protests by ACE members promptly curtailed the scheduled games. “I don’t think most members of our organization would be capable of doing most of these games,” said Bob Gooboski, 43. “King’s Dominion is really being unfair with these games, considering how nerdy and sedentary most of us are. If it doesn’t have something directly to do with useless information about a roller coaster or our mom’s basements or jacking off, they can’t expect us to be putting in any effort. Sorry.”

Hundreds of other members voiced similar complaints, complaining, for example, that it would be “completely unreasonable for ACE members to undergo the incredible exertion required to shoot a few basketballs,” and that “the only thing we’re capable of tossing is the ham javelin.” Sources tell ARN&R that a boycott was imminent as of last night, leading to fears that ERT lines would be under four hours on some days of the conference.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. “All it took was a quick revision,” says Mike Rotch, PKD’s Assistant Manager of Special Olympic Events. “We’ve dropped all of these physically demanding exercises and tough mental challenges that no enthusiast is remotely capable of completing. Instead, we’ll have an Olympics with really great, fun events that are sure to please these ACE members.”

Rotch went on to confirm that all previously announced events would be cancelled, and that the following ones would be established in their place: Identifying the Bastard Ride Ops Who Staple You in Your Seat, Barbecue Eating Contest, Listing Dozens of Your Favorite Obscure Coasters to Family Members and Random Strangers Who Don’t Give a S%#&, Pie Eating Contest, Writing Detailed Notes on Each Coaster Ride While on it Instead of Enjoying the Damn Thing, Chicken Eating Contest, Pathetically Following the Three Attractive Female ACE Members Like Pathetic Little Yapping Dogs, Gravy Drinking, Bitching About Not Getting Loads of Free Stuff After Getting Loads of Free Stuff, Lard Eating Contest, and, of course, Vigorous Masturbation. ACE members universally applauded the new format. The competition thus far seems to be evenly matched, with no clear-cut favorites, except of course in the Vigorous Masturbation category, where Thunder P&#%sy of the Coaster Preservation Organzation 'Formly' Club is considered unassailable.

--JCK