Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff at it Again

It was getting to be a disappointing week here at ARN&R, as the crop of potential Sites O' the Weak we've harvested recently was not as exceptional as we'd prefer. We were sort of resigned to just putting up one of a large number of modestly lame sites we've got collected. And then, out of the blue, we were blessed with the re-emergence of the sickest, most pathetic loser ever to sully the coaster-themed internet world (and, boy oh boy, is that saying something).

Yes, it's the return of the Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff! We figured after we reported on his stint on Montel, where he used his personal experiences to counsel guests on how to be better stalkers, lunatics, asswipes, and even unwilling sexual playthings for cats, perhaps he would quit posting anywhere and go back home, where he would furtively masturbate while waiting for the uniformed men to knock his door down with a battering ram and take him, kicking and shrieking, to meet his new special prison friends.

We figured wrong.

In his dramatic new testimony, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff clearly demonstrates his fear that law enforcement authorities somehow won't be able to find any of his other easily-locatable written threats against individuals who won't talk to him and parks that ban him for being a psycho. "I need to provide police with as much evidence against me as possible," said the rabid loser in an exclusive interview. "So I decided to continue harassing the same person and encourage people to cause trouble at a park yet again. I'm really quite eager to have my anus forcibly doubled in size, and figured this should get me in a nice gang shower where I can have that taken care of relatively soon."

"I'm my sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!" he added for no apparent reason, slapping himself savagely in the face.

But, breaking from his traditional online stalking, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff decided to hedge his bets by also practically begging for half the membership of ACE to consider taking him to court. "I figured I'd just go online and claim lots of enthusiasts were doing illegal stuff, while offering no proof whatsoever that any of it is true," he said, after taking time out to soothingly pet a rotted head of lettuce sitting in his lap. "I like courts so much I figured I might as well see if I can spend as much time there as is humanly possible. Or inhumanly, in my case."

"The important thing to remember is that my f*cking skills aren't as good as my receiving-electroshock-therapy skills are," he added.

Then he began clucking like a chicken while pinching and twisting his nipples.

So thank you, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff, for enabling us to put up a great Site O' the Weak instead of a mildly dumb site like we might have been forced to. And congratulations for scoring the SOW with two different lunatic jerkoff posts within approximately one month. Can we hope for the three-peat?

--JCK