Friday, October 01, 2004

Kingda Ka Name Removed From Six Flags Great Adventure Attraction

Following the storm of protest from various groups upset over the name of Six Flags Great Adventure's new roller coaster, the park has announced that the moniker "Kingda Ka" has been entirely eliminated from the ride. At an emergency meeting this morning, Six Flags Great Adventure and Six Flags corporate officials met to determine that the original name of the ride had proved unacceptable, as well as to discuss alternatives for renaming the record-setting one-trick pony. Following the meeting, Six Flags Great Adventure rep Joseph Stallworth gave ARN&R an exclusive interview detailing what had gone on behind closed doors.

"Naturally, the most important person from whom we desired input was that grubby little infant who came up with the original name of the ride," said Stallworth. "He just screamed and explosively soiled himself, which originally worried us since it seemed like that wasn't getting us anywhere. But then we remembered that if you do a Google search for "Kingda Ka" it asks you "Did you mean: king ka ka?" We combined that concept with the concept of the infant filling his pants with excrement, and decided to just go with King Caca, the world's first shit-themed launched ride. Man, that drooling baby is a serious genius!"

However, King Caca turned out to be a problematic name. "Basically, we all thought the name and theme of the ride were great, and certainly wouldn't tick anyone off," said Stallworth. "But financial nixed that one because they felt the cost of reworking the plumbing to produce three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy would make the project too expensive. I told them that we could move the bathrooms right under the coaster, since we already regularly see substantial geysers of human waste spouting out of them and all over the floor, but they wouldn't budge."

"Once the Caca theme went out the window, we started to brainstorm again," said Stallworth. "I suggested King D' C*ck, which I thought was pretty clever since it would both play up the giant phallus appearance of the ride and also have no chance whatsoever of offending anyone. But that one was narrowly defeated, much to my disappointment."

"Finally," he said, "we had some discussions about calling the coaster Kunta Kente. But we weren't sure quite how to create an exciting themed experience that ties in to Roots, and we were also pretty sure that Geordi LaForge guy would cost us too much. After all, we'll have to keep about six hundred maintenance people on staff to handle this coaster breaking down every three minutes and flinging shards of metal around at 125 miles per hour, so we do have to pinch the occasional penny when it comes to incorporating star talent into our themed attractions."

"Oh yeah, and someone brought up calling it The Banshee, but I think there's some coaster already using that," he added. "So I guess that's probably out."

Although Six Flags has thus far failed to come up with a new name for the ride, Stallworth noted that there would be another round of meetings tonight, and that the park hoped to announce an exciting new title for the Coaster Formerly Known As Kingda Ka either tonight or tomorrow.

--JCK/VMA/MMS