Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Enthusiast Discovers Amazing New Thing

Robert Viands, deeply respected in the enthusiast community for his racist views and lunatic rants, stumbled across the most amazing thing ever at a Comfort Inn located a few miles from Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, he tells ARN&R.

"It was incredible," he said, pausing to down his sixth warm Budweiser of the interview, this one found on the floor of the ARN&R men's room underneath the urinal and with a cigarette butt sticking out of it. "I went to have my breakfast buffet and take pictures of all the foods and equipment in use at it, like I always do for some unknown reason, and that's where I saw the most stupendously incredible device ever sent down to us by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Viands went on to describe the miraculous device:

It was all silver-colored, and had a plug that attached it into this clever outlet in the wall of the breakfast room. I had someone there explain the futuristic appliance to me, and here's what you do: you place slices of bread in it, then you press a switch down and wait a few minutes. Then the bread pops up a few minutes later and you have this incredible, slightly crunchy, lightly browned bread called "toast." That's pretty funny that the cooked bread is called "toast," because the attendant said this new, incredible machine was called a "toaster." Who woulda thunk it? And the Comfort Inn even has things you can put on this "toast," like butter, which I used lots of, and also smashed-up fruits called "jelly," and honey, which is sweet.

Viands added that the toaster seen at the Comfort Inn now ranked as the single most amazing thing he has ever seen, just surpassing the miraculous, astounding, and beyond-capacity-for-the-human-brain-to-comprehend "waffle iron" device he eagerly reported about and took pictures of for a page on his website. [Editor's Note: In a most surprising coincidence, that very webpage turned out to be the ARN&R Site O' the Weak this week! Congrats, Bob. What is that, fifty times now?]

--JCK