Wednesday, October 05, 2005

All Amusement Parks: "F*ck This"

A massive consortium that consists of every single amusement park in North America has banded together to issue a brief statement to the coaster enthusiast community.

The statement reads, in full, "F*ck This."

Edwin Lee, an spokesman for the park group, elaborated on why those he had represented had taken the drastic step of making this pronouncement:

"We've really tried our best to embrace the enthusiast community," said the rep. "Our member parks have thrown enthusiast events, provided gravy and ham, and tolerated slightly crazed-looking people stalking park managers and demanding that they account for trim brakes and track shuffle. But lately, we've all just gotten tired of dealing with them."

"Many of our parks have gotten exasperated when they create a new ride and then enthusiasts immediately tear it a new asshole before they even ride it," said Lee. "One example is a B&M Hyper opening at Six Flags Over Georgia. Considering that these seemed to be coveted by enthusiasts, we were surprised when people complained that it looks bad, that nothing the park does makes any sense, and just generally whined a lot.

"Then when Six Flags Great Adventure announced Toro, enthusiasts set a new land speed record bitching about it. That was weird, since enthusiasts have generally been spending the last several years salivating all over their yellow-stained t-shirts at the very thought of ever getting to try out an Intamin woodie like they've had in Europe."

Quoting a poster who said "So it's a really tall coaster with not enough track for it's height...[t]ypical TPM," Lee added, "Oh really? Well, the park has decided not to build the thing after all, since you think it's going to suck so much. Does that make you happy? Jesus, for some reason we thought you people wanted us to build you fun new coasters or something. Our bad. Won't happen again. All parks in North America will refrain from building any more new coasters in the future, and construction will be halted on those currently planned for next season."

"It's gotten to the point where parks are afraid to even name their rides," noted Lee. If you announce that you're opening a huge new coaster named Robin The Fondling, it's just going to lead to an online reprimand by an ACE member when someone commits the heinous crime of referring to it as Robin: The Fondling or Robin, The Fondling or Robin - The Fondling. From now on, all parks will just call every single ride 'A Roller Coaster.' It might get confusing when there are ten at one park, but at least enthusiasts will be happy that they don't need to correct semantics."

"Then there's the behavior of individual enthusiasts," Lee said. "It's not enough that these poor parks have to submit to the will of Mantis Man, pay for expensive sauce-cleaning procedures, have someone yell "NOT A WORLD CLASS COASTER!" during an event, and view enthusiast slap fights, is it? No, it's gotten to the point where a Coasterbuzz member will claim he was made physically 'ill' and proudly state that he did not thank park workers after a Valleyfair event this summer because he did not receive brake-free ERT rides, despite freely acknowledging that no promise or even the slightest mention of such brake-free ERT rides was ever made by the park. No more perks, sorry, can't deal with it anymore."

"And don't even get me started on those Absolutely Reliable bastards!" he concluded, wiping away a tear and gently holding himself, even though no one had brought the website up.

"We just wish you enthusiasts would leave us alone!" he wailed, immediately before running out of the room.

--JCK