Sunday, October 29, 2006

Enthusiast Becomes One Millionth Online Poster With “316” After Name

Rick Bognar of Terre Haute, Indiana, officially became the one millionth enthusiast whose online screen name contains the numbers “316," a milestone celebrated wildly by Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors. ARN&R supercomputers had been scanning the web ceaselessly for the occurrence, which finally occurred on October 27, when Bognar adopted the moniker “Bognar316” on the Thrillnetwork forums.

The “316” phenomenon began in 1996, when WWF pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin adopted the catchphrase “Austin 3:16”. Each enthusiast inserting the number into their screen name undoubtedly believed themselves to be cool and unique, leading to almost every coaster forum in existence to be populated by scores of such au courant and hip individuals.

When the bank of Cray supercomputers in the sublevels of AbsolutelyReliable Towers alerted to this event, ARN&R staff sprung into action. Correspondents from all corners of the globe immediately converged on Indianapolis, and traveled in a 14 vehicle caravan to Bognar’s home in Terre Haute.

“What the hell is all this?” asked a disheveled Bognar upon finding over 250 ARN&R staff members and media representatives on his front lawn. After being informed of his place in enthusiast history, Bognar demanded to know how the hell ARN&R managed to find out his real name and location mere hours after his signup.

“This is a proud day, not only for the enthusiast community, but the entire world,” said the ARN&R Supreme Dictator For All Eternity/Grand Poobah, as numerous cameras rolled. “The fact that the '316' craze has been unfashionable for nearly six years should in no way tarnish Mr. Bognar’s moment in the sun.”

The Grand Poobah then presented the sputtering Bognar with an ARN&R Penultimate Gift Pack, which included a fifty dollar gift certificate to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, a fourth-generation photocopy of a 1979 Astroworld park map, an incomplete collection of Drachen Fire postcards, and a lifetime membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. Bognar appeared extremely nervous, asking anyone in earshot if all of his online activities were so easily traceable.

The party then began in earnest, despite Bognar’s threats to call the police if everyone didn’t get off his property. “This is the first time I ever recall being happy to be in Indiana,” said ARN&R ink-slinger CMV, taking a long pull off a tumbler that may or may not have contained moonshine. “We should get loaded, head over to Holiday World, and see if Will Koch will let us run the Scarecrow Scrambler.”

FMB, meanwhile, was last seen vomiting out the window of a rented Camaro, just outside the Santa Claus post office. "Postmark this!" he yelled, peeling out of the parking lot.


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