Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Texas to Adopt "Intamin Math" in State Curriculum

2010-05-23T08:20:00.000-04:00

The Texas Board of Education recently adopted sweeping changes to that state's textbook guidelines, with most focus going to positive references to Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association.

Lesser noticed were those changes to the math and engineering curricula for Texas students. Inspired by Intamin's recent work at Cedar Point, the Board adopted what it called "Intamin Math."

"For far too long, the liberal elite has forced students to believe that there's only one way to add numbers together, and that engineers should use 'precise data,' whatever that even means," said Board spokeswoman Julie Delphi. "Just like evolution and climate change, the Pythagorean theorem is just a theory -- no better than a guess! So we'll be teaching the controversy about that and about all of math."

Referencing a mnemonic frequently used in trigonometry, Delphi added, "SOHCAHTOA, we think, is some sort of invitation to the illegals, so that'll be out for sure. And 'taking a derivative' of something sounds like a slam on the good derivatives traders on Wall Street, so calculus is off limits now."

The new engineering curriculum will introduce students to ideas such as "Kinda measure once, build two or three times and change it a few more dozen times," "Failsafes are okay but not really needed," and numbers like "eleventy-four" and "thirty-twelve."

Intamin will also appear in the state's business curriculum as an example of a company that somehow continues to exist despite its massive and obvious failings.

--GP

2010-03-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

Who misses Jack?

We do. Not that there's anything new to see, but please, go check out the State Showcase Funpark Extravaganza Place of Fun and Stars discussion board. We, to be sure, are ready to buy our season passes.

2010-03-06T12:32:00.002-05:00

This blog is now located at http://coasterrumors.blogspot.com/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

2009-08-10T20:43:00.003-04:00

Like the Stories, But Find All Those "Words" and "Paragraphs" Daunting?

Lucky you. You can now get ARN&R in 140 characters (or fewer!) at our Twitter feed.

2009-07-28T11:58:00.003-04:00

Leading Prick Website Calls For Boycott of Leading Hair Loss Website for Calling for Boycott of Theme Park

Miami, FL July 28, 2009 -- PrickCentralBook.com, the leading social network website dedicated to making strong and lasting connections among utter pricks, is calling for officials at HairLoss.com, to cease advocating a boycott of Freestyle Park or face a boycott from its tens of thousands of prick participants.

A few days ago, HairLoss.com announced its intention to call for a boycott of the Myrtle Beach theme park after one of its ads depicted a rider losing his toupee on the Time Machine roller coaster. "The officials at Freestyle Music Park should be ashamed and embarrassed for not only promoting this cheap, low-level and insulting ad, but then by defending it as 'fun'," said Michael Garcia, spokesman for HairLoss.com in its press release.

In response, PrickCentralBook.com's spokeswoman Janet Fleming-Reynolds, herself a total prick, said that HairLoss.com "should be ashamed and embarrassed for promoting a view of pricks that is even worse than we deserve." Fleming-Reynolds continued: "Upwards of 40% of our male prick members are bald or balding, and, being total pricks, most of them use a toupee -- oh, sorry, a 'hair system.' But not even they are sufficiently prickish to think that this ad is offensive. Yes, we know lots of people lose their hair due to cancer treatment and the like, and of course, no, we're not enough of pricks to make fun of them. But that's not what the park was doing."

Other similar sites, including MyAsshatBook.com and DickWeedSpace.com, are considering similar actions, according to reports.

--GP

2009-03-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

Writing Our Acceptance Speech Already...

Looking forward to winning this award. Thanks in advance to our tens and tens of fans for nominating us repeatedly.

--GP

2009-02-25T18:47:00.003-05:00

Our Question Is...

When will Flying Turns open?

We demand precision!

2009-01-22T22:49:00.005-05:00

Are You Ready?

Countdown To

That's how long until the next Theme Park Review Friday update at RRC if it appears as the same time as last week.

Update: OHMIGODOHMIGOD THEY POSTED EARLY!!!@!!!@! CHECK IT OUT PEEEPS!!!!!!!!1 And...go!

Get yer typing fingers ready! Get yer insane asshattery prepared!

--GP

2009-01-21T10:08:00.002-05:00

NYC: "Yes, We Would Like Coney Island to Look Just Like Your Mall."

In a surprising announcement, the New York City government acknowledged today that it does, in fact, want Coney Island ultimately to look like your regional mall. "In particular, we are seeking to emulate that classic and intensely missed mall, the Northland Shopping Center of Jennings, Missouri. But with new and similarly generic stores."

The press release continued: "Why have local and eclectic amusements, and historical buildings? Why have the original Nathan's? The answer is: No reason, when you can have a Gap, FYE, Abercrombie & Fitch, and, most critically, a One Potato Two and a Mrs. Fields Cookies."

Construction on the expected thirteen Starbucks will start immediately. Additionally, the press release notes that all current Coney Island residents will be replaced by white people from South Dakota.

--GP

2009-01-21T09:32:00.001-05:00

Royalty Comes Out in Full Force for Inauguration

What's that? All those drama queens are actually just responding to a TPR thread?

Huh.

--GP

2008-12-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

Fight! Fight! Fight!

It's a fight!

An incredibly lame, petty, pointless fight, one in which you just hope everyone beats the crap out of everyone else, but a fight!

Whoo!

--GP

P.S. to people who bring kids into a fight: you're idiots.

2008-12-22T12:28:00.003-05:00

Six Flags Again Does Our Job For Us

Really, Six Flags? You have so much extra money around that you think it makes sense to start a...wait a minute, we can't be reading this right. It's gotta be a typo. Just a second, let us go check on this.

[Sounds of rummaging through papers...]

Really? That's what it is?

A hair cutting store chain? Themed after a floundering amusement park chain?

WTF?

--GP

2008-10-24T09:30:00.002-04:00

Least Surprising News Ever

NoGodForYouNorWillThereBeUniversalThemeParksForYou.

--GP

2008-08-29T16:56:00.002-04:00

We apologize for the delay

This certainly does call for mockery, but we can't quite bring ourselves to do it. Too damn cute.

Clearly, we are losing it.

--GP

2008-08-27T09:09:00.002-04:00

Holiday World Announces Very Very Large Water Feature

In a highly-anticipated move, Holiday World recently announced a very very large water feature, easily eclipsing its Applause Hands fountain as the biggest non-passenger-carrying water feature in the park.

"We knew we needed a big attraction, but we didn't really want something that would carry passengers or, you know, function," said park president Will Koch. "For tall and non-functional engineering and construction, we knew there was only one company to turn to: Intamin. They've got a long and proud tradition of building enormous sculptures that don't actually run in the way you expect rides to operate, you know, with patrons or anything like that. So Pilgrims Plunge will join a long series of zero passengers-per-hour Intamin rides."

Holiday World issued a statement declaring that its decision was inspired by Six Flags's addition of the world's largest lawn ornament, Kingda Ka, at its New Jersey park. "That installation was so successful they were able to remove their other decoration, Batman & Robin: The Chiller. We're hoping that Pilgrims Plunge will sit, untouched by patrons actually riding, for many years, providing a great photo background."

--GP

2008-08-14T11:18:00.002-04:00

McCain "Very Impressed" by New "Up-Stop Wheel Technology"

U.S. Senator John McCain, republican nominee for president, sought today to demonstrate his interest in cutting-edge technology by visiting the Coney Island Cyclone in Brooklyn, New York, declaring himself "astonished" at the "space age engineering" involved.

"The brilliant engineers who saw the need for wheels on not just the top, but also the bottom, of the wheels, are to be commended!" declared McCain in an exclusive ARN&R interview that took place next to the waterboarding installation. "I love the Mauch Chunk Railway, don't get me wrong, but this here, with the up-stop wheels and the hills, this is the future! In a John McCain administration, the American people can rest assured that we will take a cue from the wondrous innovations and break all barriers!"

--GP

2008-07-22T11:35:00.002-04:00

Least Capable E-Mail User Ever Found

Here.

--GP

2008-07-17T16:50:00.003-04:00

For-Profit Company Amazes Investors By Making Profit

Six Flags Inc., a for-profit company, today enthralled, excited and, frankly disturbingly, aroused observers by forecasting that it would make a profit for the first time in its history -- a history during which it has always been formally denominated a for-profit corporation..

"We think we've got this thing figured out now," said CEO Mark Shapiro in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "When we spend less than we bring in, we make this previously mythical thing called a profit. We'd tried a bunch of other stuff, like spending more than we made and offering things that our customers didn't actually want. And the guys before us had what we thought was a great idea too, borrowing billions of dollars more than they could ever make back -- frankly, I'm still surprised that didn't work. But we've got it now! Just call us the pioneers of the amusement industry!"

--GP

2008-04-08T09:25:00.002-04:00

Kentucky to Mandate Minimum Teeth Count for Ride Operators

A little-noted provision in Kentucky's recent legislation to set a minimum age for ride operators is expected to wreak havoc on amusement facilities in the state: henceforth, every ride operator will be required to possess no fewer than ten of his or her original teeth.

"This is devastating," said Hank Cash, spokesman for Kentucky's amusement industry group and proud owner of nine original teeth. "It takes a lot of people to staff an amusement park, and fully three-fourths of our residents have fewer than ten teeth. I mean, it could be worse -- they could require basic literacy, which would just destroy us overnight -- but it's pretty awful."

State senator Joe Muller, also known as "Toothy McTeeth" to his friends, disagreed. "This is long overdue. We need ride operators with teeth."

--GP

2008-02-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Tidbits From All Over

Late February means that it’s still the off-season for most parks. But until the usual tales of ridiculous enthusiast public behavior and Six Flags jacking up parking fees three times in one day begin to rear their ugly heads, we here at ARN&R still have some exciting news to report.

-Work still continues at Universal Studios Orlando on the Simpsons Ride, which will replace the park’s beloved Back To The Future Ride. A source which declined to be named tells ARN&R that the ride is still on target for a Spring opening, and will mirror the popular Fox animated show closely. He went on to say that the ride will be underwhelming the first three times guests ride it, will become wildly entertaining for rides 4 through 10, and then begin a slow but steady decline in amusement during subsequent experiences.

-Idaho’s Silverwood Theme Park continues to gear up for what park owner Gary Norton calls “the most exciting season in our history”. In addition to the well-publicized news that Silverwood has purchased Six Flags Great America’s Vekoma lawn ornament Deja Vu, the park plans to open a new food court in its Boulder Beach waterpark, and move forward with a botanical beautification project. Sliverwood has also been aggressively recruiting new employees through newspaper ads, internet postings, and job fairs, and has added nearly five hundred new hires. Norton denies the rumor that most of these new employees will be used to manually lift Deja Vu trains “tug of war” style up the lift towers during the coaster’s many mechanical failures.

--CMV

2008-01-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

Least Surprising Statement Ever

"I am a member of the American Roller [sic] Coaster Enthusiasts."

(And thousands of enthusiasts' acquaintances said, simultaneously, "Of course he is.")

--GP

2007-12-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

BREAKING: Bad Thing Might Eventually Happen! Sign a Petition to Have No Chance Whatsoever of Stopping It!

ARN&R has learned (must credit! exclusive!) that Cedar Point might eventually remove a coaster, maybe in 2010, and it might be steel! And we therefore ask -- nay, we implore you! -- to sign this petition to save it!

--GP

2007-12-21T10:49:00.000-05:00

In a Battle of Idiots, We All Win

Yes, we're a little obsessed with JL57 and the Show Statecase Funpark Royal Republic of Kazakhstan. When Jack is away, we're sad; when he quotes us as a source, we love it. And we are amazed at how persistently he engages all comers, continually responding to everyone.

Until now.

Yes, indeed, Jack has apparently met his match in a borderline illiterate drugstore employee from Minnesota, one Colleen.

Go and enjoy this thread, in which Jack claims, just a tad implausibly, that Dayton, Ohio, has 17,000 hotels. The barely coherent Colleen points out the obvious -- that all he's doing is citing to Google's search results, but even that the search results in fact only have 40 or so results.

Jack then flips out, starting to delete all of her messages, ranting about complaining to Google. We didn't see all of her messages that got deleted, but they included links to some government page that showed that there are only about 60,000 hotels in the entire country (odds that over a quarter of them are in Dayton, Ohio? Anyone?). She keeps writing 'em, he keeps deleting 'em. Good times.

It's not every day you get to see someone this delusional flip out. Enjoy! It's our Christmas present to you.

--GP

2007-12-03T16:23:00.000-05:00

Digital Camcorder Makes ARN&R Look Subdued, Mature

Behold: Here. You may want to turn down your sound. And perhaps turn off your monitor. Heck, consider just going for a walk while it plays.

That is all.

--GP

2007-11-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

Life Again Has Meaning

Because Jack's back, baby, and State Showcase Fun Ron Paul Peckerwood Super Park or whatever is coming in a mere, oh, well, okay, it's never opening but holy crap it's good to have you back in full-on insane rambling mode, Jack! Tell us about Firehawk and Phoenix, Jack!

Tale of two coasters which were disassembled and reassembled.

Rocket/Phoenix coaster traveled over 1,700 miles to its destination which cost in total of $1,500,000.

Firehawk coaster traveled just 225 miles to its destination which should not cost any more than the same $1,500,000.

Kaivac1 that means that the cost of the Dora and Boots costumes must be $8,500,000.

I cannot make it any simpler!

No, indeed, you can't.

--GP

2007-10-18T14:06:00.001-04:00

Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts

Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”

As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”

Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.

“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.

“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”

Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”

--CMV

2007-09-13T12:57:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight

We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.

“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”

Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”

Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.

As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.

--CMV

2007-09-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Stymied In Their Attempts To Rid Themselves Of Coasters

After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.

“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”

And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”

“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”

Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.

--CMV

2007-09-07T16:05:00.000-04:00

Reasons We Wish We Were Still Kinda Paying Attention

1. We would have pointed out that a lot of the reason for ACE's high profile location for "gravy buffet" is, well, us. Look down in the footer. That's been there for a looong time.

2 . We might know what this is about, because it sounds pretty funny.

3. We would have made more of the Wild West World collapse, though we're still rather fond of the headline we did do on it.

4. We could have had a reason to visit ThrillNetwork's boards far more often.

5. We could have wondered far more often and loudly about the disappearance of JL57.

But, alas, we're not still kinda paying attention. Tough break, that.

2007-07-09T12:18:00.000-04:00

Cedar Fair's Expansion of PKI Parking Lot Vending Runs Into a Snag

Like all amusement park chains, Cedar Fair is always on the lookout for a new profit center, whether it's on-ride pictures, premium parking, or paid line-jumping. Earlier this season, they thought they had a sure winner at Kings Island, one that might even make up for the bad press related to the loop removal on Son of Beast: Heroin sales in the parking lot.

"It'd be perfect for calming patrons down before they come in," said park spokesman Roger Machina. "And you haven't seen our fireworks displays until you've seen them on crank. Or so I'm told. I certainly don't know." So the park started its new project, retrofitting a Dippin' Dots cart, now called the "Rolling Smack Shack." Business was good, until unfortunately a NASCAR truck racer was arrested for possession of illegal substances.

"Turns out it's illegal," said Machina, shaking his head. "We had no idea. And we had huge future plans, including a celebrity tie-in, where we were in talks with Courtney Love to make the cart 'Kurt Cobain's Rolling Smack Shack.'"

Plans to sell actual handguns at the "Shoot 'Em Up" midway game have also been put on hold.

--GP

2007-06-26T11:11:00.000-04:00

More Details About Universal’s Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Emerge

The theme park world is abuzz with talk about Universal Orlando’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter, due to open at the Islands of Adventure park in 2009. So far, the public has only been made privy to conceptual drawings and basic information about the new themed land. ARN&R, however, has managed to glean more details about this new endeavor.

-To entertain them while standing in hours-long queues, visitors will be groped by characters dressed as Mundungus Fletcher.

-All lockers will be replaced with Vanishing Cabinets; guests may or may not see their belongings ever again.

-The main form of internal transportation through the land will be on the Knight Bus, a cramped vehicle that maneuvers at a high rate of speed seemingly without regard for safety of passengers and pedestrians alike. Universal will reportedly purchase the entire fleet of parking lot trams from Six Flags Magic Mountain for use as the Buses, as these vehicles would require little, if any, modification.

-Finally, each visitor will have the opportunity to gaze into the Mirror of Erised, a mystical device which shows the viewer his or her greatest desire. Undoubtedly, most visitors will see themselves at Walt Disney World, some sixteen miles down Interstate 4.

--CMV

2007-06-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

A Serious Note

Our thoughts and best wishes go out to the victim of last week's unfortunate accident at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom and her family. We here at Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors hope for her full and complete recovery. Because of the tragic nature of this accident, we will abstain from any of the traditionally sardonic comments you've come to know and love.

Unless this is revealed to be a maintenance issue, in which case all of our guns will be blazing.

--CMV

2007-05-14T12:10:00.000-04:00

Breaking News About Hard Rock Park Coaster

In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.

While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.

"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."

--GP

2007-05-07T21:43:00.000-04:00

Typo in News Report Causes Chaos in Coaster Community

A copy editing error in an AP story published online on Saturday has caused enormous confusion in the amusement park discussion community. In the original AP story, comments that were in fact made by Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel were inadvertently attributed to Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro.

The trouble started when blogger David Plash posted a detailed criticism of the comments on his CoasterNalysis blog. Believing the comments to reflect Six Flags's strategic plan as laid out by Shapiro, and noting that it included a statement that incurring nearly $2 billion in debt to acquire parks was a wise move, Plash posted a blistering message, describing the use of debt to obtain new parks and to invest in new rides as "ridiculous, insane, moronic, and utterly lacking in business acumen." He further suggested that "Shapiro should learn something from Kinzel, who would never talk about taking on that kind of debt as a smart idea."

Approximately two hours later, the AP issued a correction, noting that the comments were actually from an interview with Dick Kinzel. Plash immediately retracted his post, stating that even with exactly the same comments on exactly the same subjects, Kinzel was brilliant while Shapiro was a moron. He concluded: "Doubleplusgood! War is peace!"

--GP

2007-04-06T08:50:00.000-04:00

AmusementSafety.org Branching Out

California-based AmusementSafety.org announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."

--GP

2007-04-05T15:33:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Great Adventure Opening Day Brings New Technology

Visitors to Six Flags Great Adventure this week were greeted by the newest example of the company’s dedication to customer service; self-service kiosks at the parking gates. Guests can now conveniently use their credit or debit cards to pay the massive charges levied for the privilege of parking their vehicles in the park’s hellish domain of cracked asphalt. But not to worry, says Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro, most people won’t even notice the difference.

“It’s all part of our plan to fully immerse guests in the Six Flags experience,” said Shapiro. “Guests can expect the same high level of customer service from these soulless automatons that they would receive from their flesh and blood counterparts.”

Reports from the park state that the wait time for processing and admission to the lot using the kiosks averages at around twelve minutes, which closely mirrors the time invested with a human parking booth attendant. In addition, the kiosks randomly blow cigarette smoke into the interior of visitors’ vehicles, and a robotic arm dangles park literature just out of reach. Unsubstantiated reports also proclaim that some kiosks will spray vehicle doors with urine, and ignore waiting customers while carrying on long-winded conversations with other kiosks about American Idol.

ARN&R has learned that if this experiment is a success, Six Flags may explore the possibility of installing more robotic appliances in its parks. Rumored positions include Guest Relations androids who digitally record customer complaints and replay them back in a contemptuous and mocking tone, and automated restroom attendants who remain fixed in one place, moving only to thumb through a copy of Cherry magazine.

--CMV

2007-04-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

Kucinich to Hold Hearings on SoB's New Trains

Presidential candidate and Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) announced today his plans to hold extensive hearings on rumors about Cedar Fair's plans to replace the trains on the Kings Island coaster Son of Beast.

"I can't believe they're talking about replacing the trains with Gerstlauers," said Kucinich in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I mean, what are they thinking? Have they never ridden in them? They beat the hell out of you, especially if you're, um, of a smaller stature. They've got no padding, they track terribly, and they rip the heck out of the track. It's terrible!"

Senior Kucinich staffers confirmed that he had chosen the new subject of activism because all of the rest of the Democratic presidential candidates had, in his words, "stolen" his idea of being opposed to the Iraq War.

Immediate reaction from the enthusiast community was overwhelmingly positive. "It's about time!" wrote USAirTimeWayz312 at SaveTheSonOfBeast.com's forums. "Finally, a politician is paying attention to important issues!" Similarly, TheBigOhio69 posted that "Dennis Kucinich is savvily seeking the enthusiast vote, and I commend him for it!" on his RideTheVote.org blog.

Kucinich would not confirm that he was considering introducing legislation mandating an exception to the minimum height requirements on coasters for current or former members of Congress.

--GP

2007-03-22T12:54:00.000-04:00

Carlos Mencia Ejected From Magic Kingdom

Carlos Mencia, host of the Comedy Central show Mind of Mencia, was forcibly ejected from Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom yesterday by Disney Security. A press release issued by the Walt Disney Company confirmed that the beleaguered comedian was removed from the park for trespassing and conduct unbecoming a Disney Guest.

According to the statement, Mencia was present at the Magic Kingdom entrance around 6am, and upon official park opening, entered the queue for the park’s new Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor Comedy Club. During the first performance, Mencia was verbally warned several times not to videotape the show, but chose to ignore the requests, leading to him being escorted from the attraction.

Mencia then allegedly gained entrance to the attraction again, disguising himself with a Goofy hat and a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses. ARN&R spoke to several Disney guests present during the incident, and gained some details of Mencia’s bizarre behavior.

“The pre-show was pretty neat, especially when they ask people to text in jokes that the monsters can use in their act,” said Ray Goering of Independence, Kentucky. “I noticed that that Mencia guy was moving around the room and peering over people’s shoulders to see what they were texting. He would do that, scribble something on a napkin, and then move on to someone else. And he kept talking to himself, saying something like ‘That’s gold, that’s gold.’ The guy was really creeping me out.”

After several complaints from guests, Disney Security once again escorted Mencia out of the theatre, and warned him further attempts to gain entrance to the attraction would result in his ejection from the park. Approximately a half-hour later, Security was summoned again, and found Mencia at the attraction’s exit, pressing an audio recording device up to a crack in the doorway. Mencia was then ejected from the park.

Unconfirmed reports stated that later that day, Mencia exhibited similar behavior at Epcot’s Honey, I Shrunk The Audience and the Animal Kingdom’s Pocahontas and Her Forest Friends. In both cases, Mencia fled before Disney Security could intervene.

Representatives for Mencia and Comedy Central refused to comment, saying only that Mencia is on an extended vacation in Branson, Missouri, where he plans to attend scores of performances at the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.

--CMV

2007-03-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

Bracket Picks Based on Favorite Coasters

It's March, time for millions of people, whether avid basketball fans or not, to enter in workplace pools, picking the winners of the NCAA Division I championship. Iowa coaster enthusiast Eric Locksley has what is undoubtedly a unique approach in how he selected teams for entering the pool at the local Old Country Buffet, where he has worked for the past five years. ("I love the discount!")

Locksley, who says the only sport he watches is curling, picks teams based entirely on the quality of the amusement park rides in their home states. A huge fan of Six Flags New England and Mount Olympus, he picked Boston College and Wisconsin to reach the championship game. Unfortunately, both have already been defeated.

"Damn!" he said, when reached for an interview. "I'd picked Hades to totally kick Superman's ass!"

Locksley's coworkers say they are perfectly happy to take his entry fee but that they wish he would stop talking about rumors about Arnold's Park getting a massive new hypercoaster.

--GP

2007-03-06T06:14:00.000-05:00

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.

--GP

2007-03-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

SFGAMWorld Forum Poster Sadly Mistaken

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors wholeheartedly applaud the Six Flags decision to bring the Johnny Rockets hamburger chain to several of its park locations for the 2007 season. After all, what could be better for Six Flags than another understaffed counter-service restaurant with questionable nutritional value?

But as is the case with all earth-shaking announcements of this nature, incorrect information is bound to spread. Such is the case in this SFGAMWorld thread discussing the possible location of the restaurant at Great America. In this thread, the poster known as “Aaron084” states that he won’t mind paying $2.50 for one of the eatery’s soft drinks, seeing as how they will be offered in an “all-you-can-drink” format.

“W-what?” asked a stunned Six Flags Chairman of the Board Daniel Snyder during an unsolicited telephone interview. “Someone actually thinks Johnny Rockets is going to have all-you-can-drink refreshments? And for two-fifty? You’ve got to be kidding me!

When ARN&R read the online statement to him verbatim, Snyder excused himself for nearly thirty seconds, during which hysterical laughter and coughing was audible. When he returned, he asked “Why don’t you ask Aaron084 if he’d like anything else in the 2007 season? Free parking, perhaps? How about friendly ride operators? Maybe restrooms that get cleaned more than once every moon cycle? I’ll tell Aaron084 what I tell all Six Flags patrons; if you don’t like the way we do business, go pound sand.

“Two fifty for a Coke,” Snyder muttered before hanging up. “You’ve got to be f---ing kidding me.”

(In addition, the SFGAMWorld poster known as Cs5163 is the winner of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Obvious Proclamation Award for the month of February for her statement “heck even a resturant that is strickly buffet I would like”.)

--CMV

2007-02-28T13:06:00.001-05:00

Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007 Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)

--CMV

2007-02-27T05:23:00.000-05:00

ValleyFair changes name to Trim Brake Kingdom

Shakopee, Minn, Feb 27 - Under recommendation by Cedar Fair Entertainment Company--and their new ‘clear and sensible’ policy of renaming parks-- ValleyFair announced it will operate as Trim Brake Kingdom. The name change will transition throughout the park’s season beginning May 12, 2007.

Alan Schwartz, the park’s VP and general manager explained, “Frankly, we’ve always operated as the Trim Brake Capital. I’m sorry--of the PLANET,“ adding the final three words after a poke in the ribs from a CF board member we won‘t name. “Where do you start? Excalibur’s record-setting first drop brakes? The one that massacres High Roller’s return run? Let’s not forget we replaced a classic Schwarzkopf mouse with a ride sporting five times the trims,” he continued, bouncing in his seat while rubbing his hands with glee. “While the park name will change, our commitment to killing all forward momentum? Same as it always was.”

But that’s not the only addition guests will enjoy this season. “Screechy,” a six-foot tall walking--and often erratically halting--caliper brake mascot will debut at the park this season. The Gazebo Stage show musical, “STOP…in the name of What?” will move the audience with a medley of songs. Just not too much in one direction at any given time. And the IMAX theater’s new film, “The Ride is Coming to a Stop Again--Why, God? Why?” will explore the history and future of braking technology while the usual occupants nod to sleep.

Other Cedar Fair ‘clear and sensible’ name changes are bound to follow. Las Vegas’s Star Trek: The Experience is expected to add Clusterfuck: The Ultimate Ferengi Ripoff, which will actually be a large neon sign pointing to the admission booths. While Screamscape also reports the addition of ‘premium’ stalls for kicking one’s own ass after spending $40 for all of two rides, this may be little more than enthusiast fantasy.

--CO

2007-02-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Homeless Man Refuses To Live In Home Constructed From Psyclone Remains

He may live in a Whirlpool refrigerator box, said Los Angeles transient Andy “Rickets” Delaney, but he still has standards.

This week, Delaney rejected a Six Flags Magic Mountain offer to build him a mini-bungalow from the remains of Psyclone, the park’s Dinn Corporation wooden coaster. Psyclone is slated to be demolished later this year, and Six Flags decided to put the remains to good use by building several domiciles for the Los Angeles area homeless. But Delaney would have none of that.

“You gotta be crazy!” Delaney bellowed at ARN&R hack CMV during an interview over a bottle of Four Roses wine. “I used to live in the dumpster out back of the Hamburger Hamlet in Valencia. I know what that coaster did to people. No way am I living in a house made outta that wood! It’s cursed, I tell you! Cursed!”

Scratching his lice-infested scalp, Delaney continued. “I may be a bum, but I ain’t stupid. I would either wake up everyday with a splitting headache, or the whole damn thing would collapse on me some night. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take my chances out on the street with the weather, the wild dogs, and the gangs.”

“That was the last reaction I expected to hear,” said SFMM Public Relations Manager Karen Eden, when informed of Delaney’s refusal. “It’s a win-win situation for everyone. The park gets to free up some land for an exciting and dynamic new adventure, and that displaced man gets a roof over his head. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Showing surprising knowledge of the amusement park industry for a man who survives on fare scavenged from garbage cans, Delaney stated that Magic Mountain is fooling no one with their claims of an exciting and dynamic new adventure. He also stated that he’d rather eat off the floor of the Los Angeles Greyhound bus terminal than dine at the park’s new Johnny Rocket’s Express.

--CMV

2007-02-20T05:47:00.000-05:00

Amusement Park Music Composers to Picket SXSW

Most years at the South by Southwest Music Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest crowds are those of wristband-clad fans trying to get into the hottest showcases at Emo's or the Austin Music Hall.

This year, though, they just might be outside the convention center, wearing signs saying things like "Riddler's Revenge Overture Rocks! Give Us A Panel!" and "I'd Like To See Anyone From Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Write a Medley of Today's Hottest Country Songs Without Going Crazy!"

That's because for the fifth consecutive year, conference organizers have refused to create a panel at the conference for the discussion of the writing and arrangement of music performed or played at amusement parks.

"We just want to get our due," said Hobson Fitchburg IV, who counts the background music of "Crackaxle Canyon" at various Six Flags parks among his credits, along with arranging the music performed by the marching brass ensemble at Valleyfair! in 1987. "We deserve to be recognized for our vital role in contemporary music and composition. While we're at it, some of the ensembles should really be given a showcase -- that'd be huge! Who wouldn't want to hear songs by The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Justin Timberlake performed by high-energy people with a sparkling pre-recorded background?"

Stephanie Hathaway, who says she arranged the "very special" version of the Halloween theme music played in the themed section of the same name at Holiday World, concurs. "We are just as much a part of the modern music community as anyone. If you don't think it's outrageous for us to be excluded, just ask yourself this question: Where would we be if the art community acted the same? You'd never see caricature artists or airbrush artists on display at the Met or Tate Modern or MoMA, would you? And wouldn't your world be just a little emptier?"

Both performers then had to end the interview to get back to perform for the 3:00 performance of the Hawaiian stage show at the Pittsburgh-area Conley Inn.

South by Southwest officials did not return repeated requests for comment.

--GP

2007-02-13T11:49:00.000-05:00

Further Mission: Space Changes Revealed

Less than a year after the "kinder, gentler" Mission: Space was introduced, with the spinning action removed from some of the modules, Disney announced even more changes, adding what Imagineers called a "truly interactive component" to the underachieving ride.

"We've closed the attraction for approximately a week," said spokesman David Kumho. "But when it reopens, boy, it's going to be phenomenal!"

According to site plans obtained by ARN&R, each rider will, when entering the queue, be given a tan trench coat, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, and large plastic garbage bags. Each rider will also be required to don a diaper.

The plans are unclear about precisely what follows, but it appears likely that patrons will be required to drive approximately 1,000 miles at the Richard Petty Speedway attraction without stopping before doing anything with the equipment given to them and prior to any opportunity to board the actual Mission: Space attraction. Additionally, it appears likely that the Mission: Space ride will have a waterbed and heart-shaped hot tub added, for reasons not yet disclosed.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the newly-revamped attraction will be sponsored by London Fog Outerwear, Hefty Bags, and Depends.

--GP

2007-02-07T10:25:00.000-05:00

Camelot Theme Park Staffer's Date Disputes Press Release

The Camelot Theme Park recently announced a new coaster, declaring it, at 2,600 feet, one of the longest roller coasters in existence. The press release, written by one Barry Carlton of Lancashire, described the ride -- with a top speed of over 40 miles per hour -- as a white knuckle attraction with "world class thrills."

In a related story, Carlton's date last Saturday issued a press release announcing that "Barry Carlton is pathetically unable to judge length, the thrills related to length, the relative length of any given item compared to world records or even world averages, what it means to provide 'world class thrills,' or the necessary speeds required to provide satisfaction, much less thrills, to others. Also, it's really gross when his back hair gets caught in his chain mail. In short -- and I cannot emphasize the word 'short' enough -- he's clueless."

Carlton was unavailable for comment.

--GP

2007-01-25T15:37:00.000-05:00

Coasterbuzz Poster Creates Exciting New Variety Of Performance Art

For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.

That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.

Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.

“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”

“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”

“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as Artbits.org. “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”

Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.

“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”

--CMV

2007-01-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

Breaking News: Amusement Park Transformed to Single Russian Coin Presently Worth Nearly Four Cents

Or so says CoasterBuzz:

2007-01-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

Shapiro To Whore Out Every Inch Of Six Flags Parks In 2007

Following the blockbuster announcement naming Heinz the Official Ketchup of the Six Flags chain of parks, CEO Mark Shapiro announced today the largest collection of sponsorship deals in amusement park history. The collection involves hundreds of sponsors, and when implemented, will blanket every Six Flags park in existence.

“We’ve already got Official Pizzas and Official Ketchups of Six Flags, but why stop there?” Shapiro asked on a carbon-copied post on dozens of Six Flags fan site forums. “Now, due to these new sponsorship deals, our guests will be guaranteed nothing but the best experience at our parks.”

According to Shapiro, guests will see the changes immediately as Halliburton takes over as Official Parking Lot Operators of Six Flags, as well as becoming the Official Ticketing System Controllers of Six Flags and the Official War Profiteers of Six Flags. Other changes include Morton’s as the Official Salt of Six Flags, Sweetheart as the Official Napkin of Six Flags, and Black Oak Arkansas as the Official Restroom Muzak Band of Six Flags.

Conspicuously missing are any Official Cleaning Products of Six Flags. Shapiro states that the company is “already in a good place” concerning that situation.

--CMV

2007-01-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

Six Flags Characters: “We Didn’t Know We Could Hit The Little F---ers.”

Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.

“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”

At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”

The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.

Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.

Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”

--CMV

2007-01-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

Enthusiast Comes This/Close To Getting Laid

In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.

“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”

Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”

As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”

Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.

“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”

Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.

--CMV

2006-12-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

The ARN&R Curse Strikes Again

Okay, we don't actually remember it striking before. But mere days after our noting the amusement park in honor of Saparmurat Niyazov, the President for Life of Turkmenistan, he died.

We can only hope that they rename the park in honor of acting head of state Deputy Prime Minister Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov.

And no, we did not make up that name or add any random consonants. Or vowels.

Incidentally, IAAPA reportedly declared Niyazov's death to be caused by rider error.

--GP

2006-12-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

ARN&R's Work Done By Others, Part 3,142

Hooray for Saphyria Park, where, as they say, "you can play all day and still wan-a stay!"

Just a couple of highlights. First, check out the About Us page, which is delightful, but not just for what you see in the text. Also check out the URL:

http://www.saphyriapark.com/park%20web%20site%20(dad%20update%20this%20one)_files/page0001.htm

Yes, that does say -- in the URL -- "Dad update this one."

And, while we'd love to order a shirt, the link is to something on someone's (we're guessing Dad's) C: drive, in particular in the "kids" file:

file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/kids/My%20Documents/Order%20Form.doc

Enjoy. And, once the park opens (in 2026), enjoy your visit there too. Hey, it's at least as realistic as some proposed parks we could name.

2006-12-11T09:18:00.000-05:00

Turkmen Honing In On ARN&R Turf

Why, yes, we have been sort of quiet. Can you blame us when stories like this one exist? Why do we need to exist (don't answer that) when an actual news story includes this?

ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan: Authoritarian leader Saparmurat Niyazov on Friday formally opened an amusement park named after him.

We bow down to you, Saparmurat Nyazov.

2006-11-30T15:40:00.000-05:00

Six Flags To Re-Theme Magic Mountain’s Scream

Six Flags officials announced this week that they would be revamping the area surrounding Scream!, the park’s Bolliger and Mabillard floorless coaster. Since its installation over an unsightly parking lot in 2003, the coaster has been the target of numerous complaints and countless internet forum topics. After reading scores of pleas to fill the area below the popular coaster with gravel, landscaping, or even cases of unsold Mr. Six merchandise, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro finally decided to take action.

After thanking a small contingent of media brave enough to enter the hellish environment of Magic Mountain’s entrance plaza, Shapiro outlined his plan. “We felt that we needed to do something special for our guests since Magic Mountain’s X will be non-operational for an undetermined amount of time, a situation completely out of our control, by the way,” Shapiro said, pausing as if waiting for a challenge to his statement.

Shapiro plans to re-brand the coaster “Superman: Kryptonite Island” in time for the summer 2007 season. Conceptual drawings, apparently done by on poster board by fourth-graders in a hurry, show a new red, blue, and yellow color scheme and coaster trains dotted with paper Superman stickers. But the themed area surrounding the coaster is what Shapiro is most proud of.

“Drawing on inspiration from the latest theatrical release Superman Returns, the entire coaster will take place over a detailed recreation of the jagged landmass that the evil Lex Luthor creates in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean,” Shapiro said. “Guests will swoop through rock canyons and around dangerous jagged obstacles in their attempt to escape the clutches of the villainous Luthor.

“It’ll be just like riding the movie. Universal Studios doesn’t use that phrase anymore, right?” he said, looking back at one of his aides for assurance.

When asked by an ARN&R reporter if he was just planning on haphazardly tearing up the parking lot’s asphalt as a cheap substitute for the “detailed recreation of the jagged landmass”, Shapiro looked visible distressed, complete with several involuntary bobs of his Adam’s apple. He called the claim “preposterous,” and said that anything that appeared to be remnants of yellow paint from parking spaces was just “traces of yellow Kryptonite”.

--CMV

2006-11-14T20:44:00.000-05:00

Enthusiast Fails To Find Hot Chicks From Amusement Park Television Shows

After an exhaustive amusement park road trip that required months of planning and cost thousands of dollars, a Bilford, South Carolina coaster enthusiast has failed in his quest to find even one of the attractive females featured prominently in televised theme park specials.

Speaking via telephone from his parent’s basement, Andy Staley discussed his failed quest with ARN&R. “I thought this was going to be a cakewalk,” said Staley between spoonfuls of Cool Whip. “It seemed like such a foolproof plan. Six weeks, sixteen parks, and what I assumed was all the trim I could handle.”

Staley assumed that his encyclopedic knowledge of coasters and parks would all but guarantee some form of sexual contact with the scores of fetching lasses who have been a staple of televised park specials for years. “I was going to approach each one like I’d never seen them before, and then slowly turn the topic of discussion to coasters and rides. By the time I’d gotten on the subject of how Psyclone was never the same after the Northridge earthquake, or how the Pepper’s Ghost illusion works at the Haunted Mansion, they’d have their panties in a flood.”

The plan ran into trouble almost immediately at Wild Adventures in Valdosta, Georgia. “The only chicks I saw were so obese, most of them couldn’t even fit into the Hangman’s test chair,” Staley said. “Then I got roughed up in the parking lot by a pair of male cheerleaders.”

Sadly, this was the high point of Staley’s two month excursion. He was ejected from Kings Island for taking “liberties” with a Dance Dance Revolution machine, and, due to information gleaned from a questionable website, visited the Mall of America to experience Paisley Park. And all the while, there was nary a smoking hot tomato in sight.

“At Magic Mountain, there was no sign of Lara, the tantalizing little minx who would hyperventilate after riding Déjà vu from Ultimate Rollercoasters,” Staley sighed. “I never saw Caitlin, that winsome redhead who would stare at Dorney Park’s Steel Force like she did in Awesome Amusements Volume 3. And despite what’s shown in America’s Fastest Thrills, I’m starting to doubt the existence of Masha, the Latvian blonde with the big jacks who says that Kingda Ka makes her ‘all tickly’ inside.”

Staley plans to spend the off-season masturbating furiously to his videotaped collection of televised coaster specials, before finding a new outlet for his passion in the spring. “I figure I’ll start stalking Robb Alvey,” he said. “At least he tells you on his website exactly where he’s going to be.”

--CMV

2006-11-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

Study: Majority Of SFGAmWorld Forum Posts Written At Second Grade Reading Level Or Below

After conducting his latest study of various amusement park fan site forums, noted psychologist Don Petersen announced this week that 79% of the posts in the SFGAmWorld forums are written at or near a second grade level of comprehension. The site eclipses the previous benchmark held by the forums at Theme Park Critic by a full three grade levels.

“SFGAmWorld’s forums are a wasteland of poor grammar and atrocious spelling,” said Petersen in a phone interview with ARN&R, “and repeat offenders are commonplace. The boards are populated by enthusiasts who misspell “enthusiast” in their signatures, overly smug moderators with a deity complex, and people who engage in discussion about Tom Cruise-themed attractions.”

Normally, Petersen’s conclusions are primarily based on the Flesch Kincaid Readability Test, but in this particular case, special conditions were factored in.

“Most park forums are littered with hebetudinous gibberish, and one should almost expect subpar fundaments.” said Petersen. “But in this case, the absurd subjects of most of the forum topics were taken into consideration. Multiple examples of idiocy can be easily found, such as topics discussing Mr. Six merchandise being marked down, fantasy musings about if Marriott still owned the park, and a thread about an insecure poster desperately yearning for attention.”

Petersen is currently planning a 2007 Fright Fest trip to the Gurnee, IL park for his University of Iowa psychology doctoral students. “It’ll be a fascinating experience, getting to see some of these forum members in the wild, so to speak.” Petersen said. “I’m sure I’ll be reading many dissertations about how much smarter they are than the general public and their unhealthy obsession with park performers.”

--CMV (Hey! Look! Send the hate mail directly to the author!)

2006-11-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

Enthusiast Disappointed With Halloween Experience

A Georgia coaster enthusiast is considering giving up on Halloween after this year’s costume choice failed to go over like gangbusters. 27-year old Locust Grove native Nick Selack explained his disenchantment in an exclusive interview with ARN&R.

“I just got so sick of seeing people dressed up in stupid costumes,” said a despondent Selack. “Every year, there’s like a thousand pirates or ghosts. Nobody’s got any originality. So this year, I decided to try something cool.”

After spending countless hours scrutinizing Discovery Channel coaster specials, Selack dressed up as Park World editor Paul Reuben, complete with grey wig, glasses, and a custom-created copy of Reuben’s pseudo-magazine Park World. Selack headed out to a costume contest at a local bar with high hopes for an evening of admiration -- hopes which were dashed quickly.

“Nobody understood who I was supposed to be,” said Selack. “Most of the people thought I was dressed up as Dick Cheney, and some thought I was former Illinois governor George Ryan. I kept holding up the magazine, and saying ‘Park World! Park World! Don’t you get it?’ And then they kicked me out for causing a disturbance.”

Things didn’t get better for Selack after knocking on a few doors in his neighborhood. “Man, you’d think nobody ever watched a coaster special before! I even tried to drop a few subtle hints, telling people that their front door had the best themeing I’d ever seen, or that walking up their sidewalk was an exhilarating experience like none other in the world. Nothing worked. What a bunch of rubes.”

Susan Callahan, who lives four doors down from Selack, chimed in on the confusion. “He seems like an okay guy, but he got the Paul Reuben costume all wrong,” she said. “For one, he wasn’t wearing the grey suit with the red bow tie. And he just glared at me when I asked him what the word of the day was. I was about to ask if he still kept in touch with Laurence Fishburne, or if he’d punched his clown in a movie theatre recently, but he’d already stalked off by that point.”

--CMV

2006-10-31T11:15:00.000-05:00

Six Flags St. Louis Rethemed to Violent Crime

Six Flags (SIX) announced today that it will institute park enhancements for the 2007 season that will make it "much more appealing to local guests."

"The family is always the focus of our new marketing initiatives," explained Mark Shapiro, Six Flags President and CEO. "But in a community where even comic-book supervillians would roll up their windows, lock their doors and run red lights in sheer terror, a few adjustments were necessary."

Six-Guns Blazin' over St. Louis will be the first park to completely eliminate queue rails from their attractions. "Really, what's the point? If you don't have a Q-Bot, at least 27 of your homies or a lil' somethin' somethin' in your hip pocket, why are you here? Frankly, in this town, HOW did you get here?"

While the Vekoma-designed Ninja and Gerstlauer-equipped Boss coasters have always delivered gang initiation-quality beatings, family offerings will be increased as well. "Kids will love lying in the chalk outlines of their favorite DC Cartoon heroes," quipped Shapiro. "And the new 'What's Up BEEEEE-YOTCH?' revue? With Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd and other classically packin' Warner Brother characters delivering street justice, drive-by style? We just can't miss."

The chains will be hangin' low on the coasters beginning May 2007. Look for 'hop the fence' discount coupons on yo' favorite 40s this Spring.

--CO

2006-10-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

Enthusiasts Disappointed in Name Change for Sky Princess

When a Dutch Wonderland internal memo leaked to Screamscape debating the renaming of its signature wooden roller coaster, the enthusiast community was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it,” said local enthusiast Richard Scheissbaugh. “I mean, I love the Sky Princess. On my days off from working at the buffet down the street, I loved to ride her all day long. There are few things I like more than riding my Princess. I mean, look at her beautiful curves...” Mr. Scheissbaugh then settled into a trance, drooling while making only soft, guttural noises for several minutes.

Upon inquiry, Dutch Wonderland declined to comment, but a source that refused to be named stated, “For crying out loud, it’s just a ride. I mean, we really shouldn’t have all these enthusiasts all over the park in the first place. Most of the tourists see them and think that our park has been overrun by pedophiles, since most of the enthusiasts haven’t understood the concept of ‘bathing’, and look that they have neither shaved nor exercised in years. That’s bad for business.”

Upon returning to consciousness, Scheissbaugh stated, “It wouldn’t be the same if I told my co-workers that I was leaving work to go ride my Dragon woodie the rest of the evening. That, that’s disturbing."

--ETB

2006-10-29T08:09:00.000-05:00

Enthusiast Becomes One Millionth Online Poster With “316” After Name

Rick Bognar of Terre Haute, Indiana, officially became the one millionth enthusiast whose online screen name contains the numbers “316," a milestone celebrated wildly by Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors. ARN&R supercomputers had been scanning the web ceaselessly for the occurrence, which finally occurred on October 27, when Bognar adopted the moniker “Bognar316” on the Thrillnetwork forums.

The “316” phenomenon began in 1996, when WWF pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin adopted the catchphrase “Austin 3:16”. Each enthusiast inserting the number into their screen name undoubtedly believed themselves to be cool and unique, leading to almost every coaster forum in existence to be populated by scores of such au courant and hip individuals.

When the bank of Cray supercomputers in the sublevels of AbsolutelyReliable Towers alerted to this event, ARN&R staff sprung into action. Correspondents from all corners of the globe immediately converged on Indianapolis, and traveled in a 14 vehicle caravan to Bognar’s home in Terre Haute.

“What the hell is all this?” asked a disheveled Bognar upon finding over 250 ARN&R staff members and media representatives on his front lawn. After being informed of his place in enthusiast history, Bognar demanded to know how the hell ARN&R managed to find out his real name and location mere hours after his signup.

“This is a proud day, not only for the enthusiast community, but the entire world,” said the ARN&R Supreme Dictator For All Eternity/Grand Poobah, as numerous cameras rolled. “The fact that the '316' craze has been unfashionable for nearly six years should in no way tarnish Mr. Bognar’s moment in the sun.”

The Grand Poobah then presented the sputtering Bognar with an ARN&R Penultimate Gift Pack, which included a fifty dollar gift certificate to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, a fourth-generation photocopy of a 1979 Astroworld park map, an incomplete collection of Drachen Fire postcards, and a lifetime membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. Bognar appeared extremely nervous, asking anyone in earshot if all of his online activities were so easily traceable.

The party then began in earnest, despite Bognar’s threats to call the police if everyone didn’t get off his property. “This is the first time I ever recall being happy to be in Indiana,” said ARN&R ink-slinger CMV, taking a long pull off a tumbler that may or may not have contained moonshine. “We should get loaded, head over to Holiday World, and see if Will Koch will let us run the Scarecrow Scrambler.”

FMB, meanwhile, was last seen vomiting out the window of a rented Camaro, just outside the Santa Claus post office. "Postmark this!" he yelled, peeling out of the parking lot.

--CMV

2006-10-25T16:59:00.000-04:00

ARN&R Staff Writer Declares Six Flags Code Of Conduct Policy A Total Success

After spending a day at Six Flags Great America, Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Semi-Literate Staff Writer CMV was amazed at the scope of the company’s newly implemented Guest Code of Conduct. Officially announced on October 18th, the Code was denounced by many as a useless rehashing of already existing park rules and policies on behavior, dress, and safety. But after his first-hand experience at the park, CMV feels differently.

“The first thing I applauded was the fifteen dollar parking fee,” said the ARN&R hack/contributor. “In the past, I had just believed that the company was attempting to fleece the consumer who had no choice but to dish out the money. But now, knowing that these funds are going toward enforcing their new and beneficial policies, I believe differently.”

The surprises continued at the front gate. “The security guard took my girlfriend’s nearly-full cup of Starbucks away from her, stating that no outside beverages were allowed in the park. I believe he was absolutely right to do so. Who knows what kind of intoxicant, foreign substance, or chemical agent could have been in there?

“True, the blank-eyed young man who took our tickets could have informed her of that policy, and let her to actually drink her 5 dollar cup of Maple Macchiato before entering the park. But that’s not really his job now, is it?”

CMV’s girlfriend, hereby referred to as KFF, has a slightly different take on the situation. “I can’t believe that guy took my f---ing coffee!” she said. “And why, just so they can sell more of that nasty hot chocolate for 3 bucks a f---ing cup? Screw that.”

“Once we got in the park, things just got better,” said CMV. “So what if they were only running one train on the Demon? Big deal. The park needs employees to staff the Col. J.R. Peabody and Sons Mercantile Co., don’t they? And that wasn’t garbage on the ground of the Mardi Gras section, it was theming!”

When KFF attempted to remind her boyfriend of the numerous instances of smoking and line jumping (and in one case, smoking while line jumping) that went unpunished in front of them, CMV replied that he “didn’t recall” those occurrences. He went on to state that she was most likely woozy from lack of caffeine, a condition that could have been alleviated by purchasing a refreshing four dollar Coca-Cola from one of the park’s well-staffed food service windows.

“I’m ecstatic about Six Flags cementing their commitment to customer service,” said CMV. “And if the rumors are true about the park not adding any new attractions next year, that just means more focus on maintaining their status as the greatest amusement park company in the known universe. I plan on mailing them a blank check for our 2007 season passes right now.”

[Editor’s Note: At the insistence of KFF, a toxicology report on CMV showed dangerously high levels of Diazepam, an anxiolytic drug. Preliminary medical reports suggest that the drug may have been ingested unknowingly, possibly contained within a slice of Papa John's pizza.]

--CMV

2006-10-24T10:22:00.000-04:00

Shapiro: "Screw It, Let's Add Hookers & Blow"

Saying that in the 2006 season, Six Flags had "learned its lessons," Mark Shapiro announced today dramatic changes in store for the park chain in 2007.

"It turns out it's really hard to attract families, and once you get them there, they expect things like minimal feces on the floor, moderate safety for their children, and operational rides," said Shapiro in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "So screw 'em. Next year, 'hookers and blow' will be our mantra."

Shapiro elaborated, explaining his plans to add prostitution and drug dealing to every park. "For years, the management added huge coasters costing tens of millions of dollars to attract young teenage boys and twenty-year-olds to the parks. And the margins were terrible. But what else does that age group of males like? Hookers and blow! Hookers and blow!"

He confirmed that the common themed area "Crackaxle Canyon" will finally be renamed Crack Whore Canyon, as predicted years previously by ARN&R, and will feature actual crack whores.

In response to Shapiro's announcement, ACE scheduled events at every Six Flags park throughout the summer of 2007, featuring Exclusive Whore Time.

--GP

2006-10-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

North Korea Continues Dangerous Practices

Nearly a week after shocking the world by testing a nuclear device, North Korea continues to defy the international community by experimenting with unstable and dangerous instruments. In a report by the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), the communist regime boasted that they now have in their possession a fully functional Zamperla Volare Flying Coaster.

“Despite the unfair sanctions and pressures from the Bush administration and other hostile countries, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is now a featured player in the field of airborne amusement rides,” said the KCNA in an English language statement. “No longer will our dissolute neighbors be able to flaunt their technology in the combined faces of the North Korean people. This is simply the next step in strengthening the greatest socialist paradise on the planet.”

Reports from inside the cloistral realm suggested that the coaster will called “Kangangsuwole,” and will be themed to a peasant dancing song sung during collective works, such as bridge construction or excavations. Construction is slated to begin outside the coastal city of Wonsan sometime early next year.

“The United Nations calls upon North Korea to immediately cease any and all attempts to erect this horrible coaster,” said UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. “Any national pride they may gain from the completion of this project will be overshadowed by the terrible injuries it is bound to inflict upon the Korean people.”

“One can understand the Republic’s desire for a flying coaster, but to select a Zamperla is downright suicidal,” said University of Kentucky professor George Barron. “All they had to do was play nice with the West for a few years, the sanctions would have eased, and they could have bought a nice Bolliger and Mabillard. Hell, even a Vekoma Flying Dutchman would have been better than what they’ve got.”

The United States government stated that it will continue its current sanctions against North Korea, hinting strongly that replacement parts for the Zamperla coaster may be “difficult” to get. Unconfirmed reports state that the government may also be investigating Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro on possible “treasonous activities." Shapiro reportedly nixed a deal to sell Elitch Gardens’ Zamperla Flying Coaster to the North Koreans when they refused to also purchase Sidewinder, the park’s Arrow Dynamics shuttle loop coaster.

According to the KCNA, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il stated that he can’t wait to ride his country’s newest national treasure, and that he’s going to have his arms out in front of him the whole time, “like Superguy."

--CMV

2006-10-11T07:20:00.000-04:00

Family To Enthusiast: “Yes, That Is A Vekoma Invertigo On That Best Buy Commercial, Now Shut The F--- Up.”

A recent television commercial for the electronics retailer Best Buy may be informative to most consumers, but for the Ridley family of Boxer Park, Ohio, it’s the stuff that nightmares are made of. Coaster enthusiast Kevin Ridley, 18, feels the need to point out the fleeting glimpse of a Vekoma Invertigo every time the commercial airs, much to the chagrin of the rest of his family.

“Kevin just needs to shut the f--- up,” says Kevin’s 17 year old sister Kaylee. “Every time I’m trying to watch something on the CW, he pokes his goony head into the room when that commercial comes on. ‘That’s Face/Off! Face/Off!’ he’ll yell. And I’m just like, Kevin, please just shut the f---up.”

“I don’t know what we’re going to do with him,” says Kevin’s mother Laurie, 51. “We’ve tried everything from immediately muting the television when the commercial airs and he’s not in the room, quickly changing the channel when he is, and repeatedly telling him to shut the f---up. We even tried TiVoing every show we want to watch, and fast forwarding through the commercials. No luck there, though. He still manages to see that roller coaster, even at 8 times the normal speed. We just can’t get him to shut the f--- up.”

Kevin’s 58-year-old father has several ideas on how to resolve the problem. “I know just how to get him to shut the f--- up,” says Art Ridley, grinding a fist into his palm in the universal sign for one looking forward to violence. “The first thing to go is that computer of his. Normal guys his age look at internet porno and lie about stuff to girls in chat rooms. All Kevin does is look at pictures of closed amusement parks and post on sites featuring poorly written examples of coaster humor.

“If that doesn’t work, I’ll take away his collection of amusement park t-shirts, and burn ‘em all in the Weber grill. Yes, even the ones from Boardwalk and Baseball. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but it’s getting to the point where I’ll do anything to get that kid to shut the f--- up.”

Laurie thinks that her husband may be going too far. “That hopefully won’t be necessary. They’ll eventually stop running that commercial, and then he’ll shut the f--- up.”

But Kevin doesn’t understand what the big deal is. “My sister is just being a b---,” he says. “She’s jealous that I spent Grandma’s Christmas money on a season pass to Paramount’s Kings Island, and she saved hers for something stupid, like prom. And as for my dad sneaking into my room to take my computer and my park shirts? Yeah, my Boba Fett room alarm will make sure that won’t happen.”

--CMV

2006-10-09T13:33:00.000-04:00

Holiday World One of the Big Boys Now, Will Act Accordingly

In a surprise press release from Holiday World, issued shortly after its press release announcing that the park had attracted over a million guests, the park announced a number of initiatives designed to show the amusement industry that HW had "arrived." Among them:

- Eat a dog turd, cut in line for Raven. Eat a cow patty, cut in line for The Voyage.

- All HW employees will receive new sullenness training so that they can achieve "the great results of other big parks like Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom"

- New for 2007: five trim brakes on every coaster!

- All food will be branded, mostly Jack in the Box with Natural Selection spinach salads.

- The park will announce a new focus on being "family-friendly" in the spring, only to end the season with massive advertising of teen-oriented coasters and Halloween attractions, possibly with pole dancing in lines.

- HW's new president? Joe Torre.

--GP

2006-09-21T10:56:00.000-04:00

News Tidbits

Valleyfair is doing our job for us: "For an American Coaster Enthusiast, riding Renegade is like lickin’ butter off a knife (something that’s easy)." (We might have added "Though they won't be able to ride Renegade every day, like they lick butter off a knife every day.)

Also, in what universe is this a fun fact? "The song 'Renegade' was a 1979 hit for American rock band Styx." It's really more of a reminder of a national embarrassment.

Coming up next season, Sesame Place will, if there is a just God, introduce Elmo Xtreme, a 200-foot 4D steel coaster featuring blaring metal-rap Sesame Street song covers.

--GP

2006-09-19T09:15:00.000-04:00

Disney Exec Discusses California Adventure Overhaul

Theme park aficionados have been buzzing about Disney CEO Bob Iger's announcement that he plans to rescue the company's California Adventure park from its current state of mediocrity. Disney's California Adventure has long been maligned for its uninspired theme, lack of engaging attractions, and general absence of entertainment. Iger's plan reportedly includes considerable financial expenditure, and will result in a complete overhaul of the structure of the park over the next decade.

Traditionally, Disney executives have been less than forthcoming with details of future projects. But in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Iger slightly pulled back the curtain of mystery surrounding one facet of this monumental renovation. Late this year, the parkÂ?s flight simulator Soarin' Over California will be closed, to be replaced in 2008 by a brand new attraction: Saruman Over California. The ride's IMAX projection screens and unique inverted simulator system will remain in place, but instead of experiencing a lighthearted aerial tour of the Golden State, guests will be menaced by the evil white wizard portrayed by Christopher Lee.

"It's going to be great," said Iger, finishing off his fifth El Presidente margarita. "The story is that Saruman wants to turn California into the new Isengard, and our guests get caught right in the middle. Dragons, orcs, those things that look like the Harry Potter dementors...this is going to have it all."

"You could say that it's one ride to rule them all," Iger chuckled, to the groans of nearby Chili's patrons.

The ride's Saruman footage is reportedly culled from unsatisfactory outtakes from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, purchased from New Line Cinema at a heavily discounted price. Iger says not to worry; Disney isn't reverting back to their frugal ways with the "new" California Adventure.

"Wait until you see the queue for this thing! And the souvenir shop at the ride's exit!" Iger gushed. "Who can stand against the combined might of Saruman and Walt Disney Imagineering? Nobody, that's who."

--CMV

2006-09-15T14:34:00.000-04:00

Enthusiast’s Vanity License Plate Causes Derisive Comments, Honking

Derek Gerretsen simply can’t figure out what the problem is.

“Everywhere I go, it’s the same thing,” said the 35 year old coaster enthusiast and owner of a 1986 Pontiac Fiero. “I can’t even drive down the street anymore without some pinhead honking his horn like crazy, or a carload full of teenagers calling me a bone smoker or a meat mogul. Just the other day, two high school girls in a Miata threw some opened mayonnaise packets through my passenger side window and told me to go back to Gaytown, wherever that is.

“I’ve tried to even ask a few of them why they’re yelling such terrible things at me, but so far they’ve all told me to go back to knob gobbling or practicing my skin flute. I’m totally confused.”

But David Allen, Gerretsen’s co-worker at StrandCo Electrical Supply, knows exactly what’s going on. “Derek is a total mouthbreather,” Allen told ARN&R. “All he ever does is talk about the road trips he takes on the weekends and vacation to those stupid amusement parks. I got trapped working with him in shipping and receiving a few months ago, and he wouldn’t shut up about how he got 50 rides on some 'woodie' coaster called the Vonage, or the Voyage, or something like that.

“I was so tired of hearing him babble, I told him he should get a vanity license plate for that crappy car that said that he loved wood. I’ll be damned if the guy didn’t show up with one a few weeks later. Everyone here was laughing at him, but he doesn’t have a clue to what’s so funny. What an incredible tool that guy is.”

Gerretsen has yet to realize the connection between his custom license plate and his near-daily castigation on the streets of Johan Heights, Indiana. “I was surprised that it was still available,” said the oblivious Gerretsen, pointing at his plate that reads ILUVWOOD. “I thought I’d get stuck with something else, like MEANSTRK, or GRSTLAUR. But I got lucky, and it goes so nicely with my Judge Roy Scream bumper sticker!

“David at my work actually gave me the idea. That guy is pretty cool. There’s rumors of an ACE event at Mt. Olympus sometime next year. Maybe I’ll ask him if he wants to go and split a site at the Dell Boo Campground.”

“Go on a road trip with that guy? In that car?” asked Allen, when informed of Gerretsen’s possible invitation. “No thanks. I collect Star Wars memorabilia. I’ve got a hard enough time getting dates as it is.”

--CMV

2006-09-11T15:05:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter

Dear Will:

Great news about your appearance on the Colbert Report!

Could you arrange to put ACE on notice? Actually, we have some other ideas too:

Hugs,
ARN&R

P.S. Be sure to mention that in Holiday World alone, there are 324,000 elephants.

--GP

2006-09-08T16:23:00.000-04:00

Inanimate Object Creates MySpace Account, Enthusiasts Crap Pants

Maverick, the Intamin coaster currently under construction at Cedar Point and expected to operate for upwards of fifteen minutes at a time without problems, has created its own MySpace profile, and coaster enthusiasts couldn’t be happier. For many, this may be their only opportunity to make a “friend” on the popular social networking website.

"I am sooo geeked about this!” said MySpace member KitFisto94. “Maverick accepted me right away, unlike most of the stuck-up webcam chicks I’ve contacted. I’m looking forward to a long and prosperous relationship with Maverick.”

IdoraDave agrees. “I’m checking in with Maverick every day. There’s nothing better than logging on to the internet to watch an erection getting bigger.” he said, oblivious to the fleeting look of disgust that passed across this reporter’s face.

Comments on Maverick’s profile have ranged from complimentary (Tyler is 1/4 BLACK: “Sick layout, Maverick”), to perplexing (Marissa: “I am wonder what going like a new roller coaster next year!!!!”), to the downright salacious (Koaster Kris: “Im hoping to make it back out to Ohio again especially next year to ride you! W00t!” and Jordan: “i've decided i will propose to you in the morning”). [Ed. note: We're not even going to try to use all of the [sic]s that would be necessary for this story.]

“This is not uncommon behavior, especially for such a traditionally unsociable group as coaster enthusiasts.” said noted psychologist Don Petersen. “It’s known as ‘personification’. Many of these people lead sad and sheltered lives, with very few real and enriching relationships. They begin to see this partially completed structure as a surrogate friend of sorts, and begin addressing it as if it were a corporeal being.

“Most of them probably don’t even realize that their comments to an inert hunk of metal make them sound like sexual deviants when taken out of context. Take James Crochford, for example, and his statement ‘Oh boy Maverick! Despite only being 105 feet tall I'm still excited to ride you.’. Most people reading this statement with no background information would assume that Mr. Crochford has some form of giantess fetish that isn’t being satisfied. Sadly, the truth that he’s actually speaking to a spiritless load of metal is far more shameful.

“People talking to roller coasters. This has got to be one of the most whacked-out things I’ve ever heard.” Petersen later muttered, in what he assumed was an off-the-record statement.

And as Maverick’s profile continues to fill with incomprehensible gibberish ((andrei geos to the mayer)**%: “i thought it was goin over the water then what explain all the cemet barges out ther to hold rollar coaster track out huh!!!!”), the world wonders; what’s next? We here at ARN&R predict that this signals the beginning of a new onslaught, as everything from Dippin' Dots stands ("MySpace Site of the Future," no doubt) to pieces of Six Flags Great America's Shockwave will carve out their niche on the MySpace site, finally allowing enthusiasts to brag that they have “hundreds” of friends.

--CMV

2006-09-05T01:10:00.000-04:00

Powered Coasters Feel ACE Executive's Wrath

Henry Booker, an Executive Committee member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as well as winner of this year's prestigious ACE Lifetime Tool Award, has finally, after years of debate among coaster enthusiasts, laid down the law on counting powered coasters in one's track record.

"The ACE Executive Committee has determined that no member shall be allowed to list these rides in his or her coaster count," said Booker in a recent exclusive interview with ARN&R. "You see, powered coasters can't be considered coasters because at no time, not even when going down a hill, is gravity ever used."

"And as much as I claim to like RCDB, I'm sorry to announce that from this point on, it is considered contraband to all ACE members," he noted. "Anyone who uses RCDB.com to determine what are coasters and can be counted in their track record will be executed. If you have ever used RCDB.com to determine your track record, or if you currently or have ever counted powered coasters in your track record, then you will meet your destiny."

"You will never convince me that a powered Dragon Wagon is a coaster," said Booker. "I've been on 534 coasters! I know what is and what isn't a coaster! And not only that, but the Kangaroo at Kennywood will no longer be referred to as a 'Flying Coaster.' It neither flies, nor coasts. We are hereby boycotting Kennywood as well, and any ACE member caught riding the Kangaroo will be summarily disemboweled."

Booker then cut the interview short, indicating that he needed to drive up to Dorney Park and make his 347th attempt to harass the ride operators into letting him ride the Little Laser.

--CB

2006-09-03T18:39:00.000-04:00

Don't Sign Us Up

It's been a while, but the Site O' the Weak is back with us in full force today, as we alert our faithful readers to their right to sign up here for a PKI Central-guided trip to various Ohio amusement parks. Whether anyone will exercise that God-given right, is, of course, a matter for some conjecture, seeing as the tour is apparently being conducted by young children.

Judging from the colorful and patriotic design of the tour sales website (because not giving PKI Central money is a slap in the face of all Americans and what this proud nation stands for), its informative nature, its abundance of exclamation points, and its creative spelling, we'll, of course, be happy to plunk down the vague 200 to 250 dollars to do...well, we aren't exactly sure what yet. Presumably it will involve a BIG SURPRISE. Or perhaps the BIG SURPRISE will be that we send two hundred bucks to people and never see it again? We'll know soon, of course, since the BIG SURPRISE is "comming soon." But not yet.

We're very certain we'll see you all there.

--JCK

2006-08-23T15:10:00.000-04:00

Busch Gardens Disappoints People With Bad Taste

Tens of people were disappointed today when Busch Gardens announced that their new coaster, Griffon, was based on a mythological creature that was part eagle and part lion. All thirty Eddie Griffin fans were saddened by the fact that the coaster was not about the Undercover Brother star. "We were just disappointed," lamented one Griffin enthusiast, "as he is the best comic and actor of his generation."

While the Scary Movie 3 and DysFunktional Family star could not be reached for comment, his fans were all over it. Trondell, from the Bronx, could not hold back his frustration. "I don't see why the man is putting Griffin down again. The next thing you know, the Wayans brothers won't be able to get a ride themed after their collective comedic genius."

Busch Entertainment spokesman responded with a press statement: "We are sorry that there was some confusion as to the appearance of Mr. Eddie Griffin. While films like Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo do require a lot of acting prowess, we do not feel that theming a ride after an ancient mythological creature is a slap in the face."

--FMB

2006-08-20T19:13:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Offers Several Other "Six No-Touch" lists

Following reports that Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro stated that there are six "no-touch" parks within the chain that absolutely will not be sold, Shapiro announced that there would be several more "six no-touch" lists concerning new directions the company will be taking.

• Six "no-touch" parking lots - A list of the six parks which offer "outstanding family service in the important function of SUV family car parking." Even if the actual amusement park is sold, Shapiro stated, Six Flags will continue to operate the parking area, charging $15 and filling it with roaming costumed characters.

• Six "no-touch" food stands - six food stands that offer "outstanding variety and service geared to families." Like the parking lots, even if the surrounding parks are sold, these food stands will continue to sell $9 hot dogs for generations to come, no matter what is built around them.

• Six "no-touch" employees - This list may be delayed, as after several months of preparation there is still only one employee on the list, and he is reportedly under threat of termination.

--MOS

2006-08-18T08:29:00.000-04:00

Chicago Bears Blame Pathetic Preseason Camp On Six Flags Great America

The Chicago Bears broke from one of the most lackluster preseason camps in recent memory this week, and head coach Lovie Smith knew exactly where to lay the blame. “It’s all because of Six Flags Great America,” Smith told the media Thursday. “That’s the main reason things went so sour.”

The Bears’ main concern was the downright spastic play of starting quarterback Rex Grossman, which Smith attributes to fatigue. According to sources close to the team, Grossman has been surviving on less than two hours of sleep a night, spending most of his free time scouring coaster forums in search of rumors about a possible floorless coaster for the Gurnee park in 2007.

“Leave me alone,” said a taciturn Grossman leaving the Bears camp in Bourbonnais, Illinois. “I’ve got to go watch some game film…or something…” Grossman then proceeded to fumble the keys to his car twice and break his right wrist while attempting to swat a fly.

“Sure, we’ve been decimated by injuries so far this year, most, if not all, caused in some way by Six Flags,” Smith said. “But I’m not worried. Wait and see what happens to the Broncos when Elitch Gardens gets bulldozed for a shopping complex.”

ARN&R has compiled a partial list of the Bears’ injury woes, and their amusement park connections:

• Defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek: right foot stress fracture from standing in place for six hours straight waiting for Déjà Vu to open on August 10th;

• Safety Mike Brown: torn Achilles tendon caused by attempting to hover over a urine and feces splattered toilet seat without touching in the park’s Hometown Square section;

• Cornerback Nathan Vasher: strained back muscles from eight continuous August 5th re-rides on the park’s rapidly deteriorating American Eagle;

• Assistant linebacker coach Jesse Bormet: outbreak of diphtheria from the park’s Loggers’ Run flume ride, July 29th; and

• Running back Cedric Benson: Dislocated shoulder caused by reaching for wallet to pay for a nine dollar hamburger.

In other Chicago sports news, rumors are running rampant that the Chicago White Sox’s two consecutive losses to the little league-caliber Kansas City Royals were the result of players' distraction at an upcoming trip to Kentucky Kingdom.

“I don’ know where you getting this idea,” said Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “Greezed Lightnin’ been berry, berry good to me.”

--CMV

2006-08-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

Valleyfair!'s 2007 "Woodie": The True Story

It's been accepted as gospel truth at the usual suspect websites that ValleyFair is building a wooden coaster in 2007. But we at Absolutely Reliable have gone one step further: We have actual footage of a coaster enthusiast badgering the truth from some poor marketing rep.

Actually, the video is mostly an unflattering view ot the inquiring ACEr. Fine, let's be more specific--far more unflattering than usual. Think plumber's crack with an inordinately overstretched and unsexy tattoo...or are those varicose veins and stretch marks? Don't ask us. We aren't checking.

In any event, here's the transcipt:

Dork: So whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: Ewwwwwwww. What?
Dork: Whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: On your lip? Looks like mayonnaise. At least let's hope so.
Dork: Oooh! Oooh! A sooooovenir! *wipes mouth with coaster shirt* Every stain tells a stohhhh-ry.
Rep: [edges toward door] Ooookaaaaaaaaayyyy.
Dork: Jus' like a Hawaiian hooooola dance.
Rep: Look, I gotta get going.
Dork: Buhhhhhhh...Whasit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: What is WHAT?
Dork: New keaustur. New keaustur. Whatisit? Whatisit? I won't tell...[boots up laptop]
Rep: Did I say it was a coaster?
Dork: YOU SAID KEAUSTUR! YOU SAID KEAUSTUR! KNEW IT KNEW IT KNEW IT KNEW IT.
Rep: [long sigh]
Dork: In yer FASSSSSSSSE!! [slight spittle spray]
Rep: No getting around you, I guess.
Dork: I knoooow.
Rep: I was speaking for your belt, actually. Anyway...
Dork: I gawwta KNOWWWW. [breeze of well-aged pickle loaf]
Rep: Okay, fine.
Dork: [high pitched orgasmic squeal]
Rep: It's something you've been wating for a long time.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep: And I think you'll really like it.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep: And...you'll see next year.
Dork: A woodie? Woodie Woodie Wood Woodie?
Rep: I bet you would like one of those, huh?
Dork: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!

And the rapid clickety-clack of little sausage fingers drowned out the remaining audio.

A bright off -- screen flash and groan -- possibly the rep tasering themselves in hopes of forgetting the incident -- was somewhat indistinct and inconclusive as of press time.

--CO

2006-08-13T13:09:00.000-04:00

Flummoxed Coaster Enthusiasts Harass Baked Goods Company

Employees of the New Jersey based company Entenmann's have been deluged by phone calls from coaster enthusiasts, most of whom have confused the retailer of baked goods with a similarly-named amusement ride manufacturer. "They've been calling night and day," said EntenmannÂ?s customer service representative Sara Reid. "I'll be darned if I know half of what the heck theyÂ?re going on about. Most of them just start talking about something called Sidewinder, and asking me if it's going to be launched or have a hill of some sort."

The calls have also bedeviled Regional Manager Stan Caruso. "Our corporate policy is to be polite and helpful to all our callers, but this batch is turning into a real stick in the side," he said. "I've got sixteen voice mails since this morning screaming at me about how we need to speed up the dispatch time on Vertical Velocity. What is that about? Do you know?"

"Well, I feel sorry for the poor dears. They've got us confused with something else," Reid said. "I just try to be as patient as I can, and if they ask me about Wicked Twister, I tell them all about our Cinnamon Twist crumb cake. Most of 'em seem pretty happy when they figure out that we sell doughnuts and cheesecake."

Entenmann's profits are up 14.7% from last quarter, mostly due to a stunning increase in phone and internet orders.

In a similar situation, Max Jarrell, CEO of the New Zealand electrical company known as B&M stated to ARN&R that he's "getting mighty sick of phone calls from panting freaks," and the next person who bothers him about the trim brakes on the first hill of Mantis is going to get "a swift kick in the ass."

--CMV

2006-08-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

Sea World Orlando Doesn’t Know What The Hell Journey to Atlantis Is About

A public relations representative of Sea World Orlando unwittingly confirmed this weekend what theme park insiders have suspected for years; the park has absolutely no idea what their Journey to Atlantis attraction is about.

Melissa Statkus, 22, a newly hired media relations coordinator, was charged with leading a camera crew from a local cable access show around the park on Saturday. The group had exited the Manatee Rescue exhibit, and was setting up their camera for footage of the exterior of the Mack water coaster when the incident occurred.

“I was surprised that she had only been working at the park for a few weeks. She seemed so knowledgeable about everything.” said Orlando Opus cameraman Larry Grzybek. “She told us about how there’s been a couple of different Shamus over the years, and that their park is much cleaner than a Six Flags, despite the fact that they serve free beer. But when we asked her about the story of that Atlantis ride, she kinda freaked out.”

Orlando Opus host and producer David Strand concurred. “All I did was ask what the ride was about, and she got really pale and started stammering. I guess it was good that Larry caught it on tape, but I felt really bad for her.”

ARN&R has reviewed the tape, and the mental unraveling of the young woman is truly disturbing. After initially describing the story as a “mystical journey” to the lost city of Atlantis, she quickly backtracks, saying guests will be sent on a wild adventure after offending the sea goddess “Allura…or something”. The situation only gets worse after Statkus is asked why the ride features music from the soundtrack of the motion picture Beetlejuice.

“That girl went right off her trolley.” Strand said, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen a girl crying that hysterically since my prom night.”

The tape shows Statkus flying into a frothing rage, screeching that her Sea World superiors told her to “make up some bulls--t” if anyone asked about the attraction’s storyline, and that she had been on the ride “like…sixty times” in an attempt to work it out for herself, but to no avail. Her eyes filling with tears, she states that she “didn’t have to deal with this kind of crap” when she worked at Old Navy.

“And that was it. She covered her face, and ran off in the direction of Kraken.” Grzybek said. “I guess our segment turned out okay, even if we never did find out why OSHA hasn’t shut down that Wild Arctic simulator ride, or why the entire Penguin Encounter smells like rotten garbage.”

--CMV

2006-08-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

Heat Can't Beat Enthusiast

The record-breaking heat along the eastern seaboard this week has deterred all but the hardiest of vacationers from more than the barest of outdoor activities, but there are those who brave the soaring temperatures and high humidity. One is coaster enthusiast Dirk Patton, 41, who has staunchly refused to spend any less than the entire day today at Six Flags America, near Washington, DC. Despite a temperature topping out at 111 degrees Fahrenheit, a heat index rating of 125, and a lack of shade caused by park landscaping consisting primarily of acres of sun-obliterated bare asphalt.

"I need to get in at least twenty rides on Joker's Jinx and twenty on Superman if I'm going to have a shot at riding each over seven hundred times this season" he panted. "My shot at glory and everlasting fame from this accomplishment will not be denied!"

Professing to care little about the dangerous heat levels, Patton said "Well, it seemed pretty hot and muggy this morning, and I'll admit that I was sweating profusely. But I must have gotten used to it, because I haven't been sweating the slightest bit for at least an hour. Guess I'm made of stronger stuff than most people." Patton did admit to feeling quite achey, dizzy and nauseous, but said that was "perfectly normal for a stud who faced the front row of X-Flight four times in a row."

Patton also noted that the "pretty swirling colors in the air" were "particularly vibrant" and that the "giant purple man-eating penguins over there" were worrying him a bit, as they were beginning to stare at him in a lustful fashion.

The Weather Channel reports that tomorrow's average temperature will exceed 6 trillion degrees Kelvin. Patton assured ARN&R, once he was again apprised of his name and location, that he will be right back at SFA, racking up those important credits.

--JCK

2006-08-01T20:32:00.000-04:00

Couple Unable To Visit Six Flags Great America

A Chicago area couple is stymied by their inability to visit Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois, despite driving nearly two hours for that purpose alone.

“We just keep trying to figure out why,” said Paul Willard, 34 years old, “We were planning this trip for weeks, even arriving at our hotel the night before so we could get to the gates before the park opened. But over a few drinks at dinner, we both came to the decision that we really didn’t want to go at all.”

Kim Schultz, 27, was the first one to bring up the subject of not visiting the park. “I made a joke about it at the hotel, y’know, that the room was so nice that we should just sleep in instead of fighting the crowds all morning. But then it came up again at dinner, and when we realized that we were both thinking the same thing, that was it.”

Willard and Schultz are both former SFGAm annual passholders, and have truly enjoyed their visits to the chain’s Midwestern gem in the past. Willard shrugged his shoulders when asked for a rationale behind the couple’s actions.

“Beats me. I guess maybe I’m just tired of the throngs of white-trash, hostile ride operators, and bland fast food. Of course, fifteen dollars for parking might have something to do with it.”

Schultz is more specific, waving a Six Flags brochure in the air. “They’re celebrating a forty-fifth anniversary?” she asked incredulously. “What the hell is that? That makes even less sense than that ‘100 Years of Magic’ crap that Disney tried to cram down people’s throats a few years ago.”

The couple then engaged in a rapid-fire listing of possible reasons for their non-visit, including peeling paint on Déjà Vu, lackluster live show offerings, and the continued operation of Iron Wolf, the park’s torturous B&M stand-up coaster. They agree on one point, however.

“We had a much better time that day by not going to the park.” Schultz said. “We had a good breakfast, did some shopping at the Gurnee Mills mall, and took most of the afternoon driving home on country roads. It was much better than standing in line for three hours for Raging Bull, which is just going to be trimmed to death anyway.”

The couple is already in the planning stages of a trip to the park next month, which will most likely include a day of horseback riding at a local stable, and an outing at the park’s Fright Fest, when they plan to spend the day at a health spa.

--CMV

2006-07-30T15:20:00.000-04:00

Well, Of Course We're Adult and Mature! Oh, Wait a Minute, Not Like That...

Heavens. A look at this web security site has certainly been revealing. If you type in our URL (www.absolutelyreliable.com), you'll find that we have received the following rating:

"Category 6: Adult/Mature Content"

Dang. Is a propensity for masturbation jokes and reporting on the sheer sexuality of a good gravy buffet really enough to get you categorized as an adult website? Hell, if we're gonna be listed like that, we might as well put something on it that'll actually make us money.

Now in Development: Absolutely Reliable Celebrity Boobs and Rumors.

--JCK

2006-07-29T13:17:00.000-04:00

Wild Escape To Open In Thirty Unpopulated Places

Shaking off a long-term decline in amsuement park attendance, Wild Escape announced today that it would open thirty nearly-identical amusement parks in the least-attended places it could find.

"We're starting out in West Virginia, where we're pumped to attract all four dozen citizens and their five dozen (collective) teeth," said CEO Fred Fazen. "Then we're aiming for northern Idaho, western South Dakota, southern Wisconsin, northern Louisiana, and approximately a dozen uninhabited and inaccessible islands off the coast of Oregon."

Fazen said that his company had obtained "extensive financing" by obtaining a home equity loan on his three-bedroom ranch house in suburban Indianapolis. "We've got access to $35,000, which should be plenty to make at least twenty-four more almost identical websites."

--GP

2006-07-23T12:56:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Announces Additional Revenue Enhancement Efforts

Six Flags (NYSE:SIX) announced yesterday additional initiatives designed to increase revenue, following its recent announcement that it would pursue the sale of various parks. Among the planned efforts:

- FastPass will now be available for every line-creating place in every Six Flags park, including food concessions and restrooms. Non-FastPass guests will be allowed to purchase a single hot dog (without condiments or a bun) once an hour, if there are no FastPass guests within fifty feet. This hot dog will cost $10. Parks will introduce new non-FastPass restrooms featuring a bare patch of dirt and a shovel.

- Ride restraints will now cost extra.

- Purchasing an admission ticket to any Six Flags park will also constitute full informed consent to uncompensated medical experimentation while in the park. Six Flags spokesman Mbute Yosi told ARN&R that an unnamed multinational pharmaceutical company expressed interest in paying the company "quite a lot" to test a new priapism treatment. Any patron who is injured by or dies as a result of the pharmaceutical testing will receive a gift certificate for a free hot dog.

--GP

2006-07-10T17:03:00.000-04:00

Shocking Disqualification Occurs in Internet Wood Coaster Poll

The battle for supremacy amongst coasters is nothing new; for decades, rides have done nearly anything to be noticed by those filling out rank sheets and polls. However, despite the intense competitiveness and high level of showmanship, there has always been a strong sense of gentlemanly respect displayed between the combatants. Until this weekend, perhaps, when an unprecedented turn toward bad sportsmanship may have ushered in a less civil and more aggressive era in top coaster polling, as one leading ride head-butted another.

The aggressor was the Kentucky Rumbler, a widely respected GCI woodie from Beech Bend Park. Video footage showed the Rumbler trading words with the Gravity Group's Voyage, of Holiday World, during in-season voting for the Internet Wood Coaster Poll, after the two were tangled up in a play near their sector of the country. Shortly thereafter, the Rumbler launched the vicious headbutt to the middle of the Voyage, which was not protecting itself and crumpled in a heap for several minutes before getting up under its own power. Although it could certainly be expected that such an unpleasant cheap shot would result in reduced support for the Rumbler in any case, officials took the proactive stance of issuing a red card, disqualifying the ride from any further votes for the remainder of the season.

The unsportsmanlike incident was extremely surprising, considering that the Rumbler has been a force of offense and the unquestioned leader of its park. It had been locked in a pitched battle with Voyage and other wood coasters for the title in what has long been considered the leading and most accurate coaster poll on the internet, and the loss of future votes all but eliminates it from any hope of a high position.

"I just don't understand it," said commentator Brent Mussberger. "It had a great chance at a title, and this senseless act not only ruined those hopes and those of its people, it will tarnish the Rumbler's legacy forever." Mussberger added that the new in-season ballot amending for the Internet Wood Coaster Poll seemed to be adding a previously unknown level of unpleasant energy and intensity to competitive coasters, and that this would probably not be the last time tempers would flare.

"I expect that next year will set a record for ejections and suspensions," he said, reading a cue card.

--JCK

2006-07-06T13:04:00.000-04:00

Kennywood Offers Free Gas

Earlier this season, Hersheypark hit upon a creative way of attracting customers despite the obscenely high gas prices currently in place throughout the country. Any visitor to HP who stayed at the Hershey Lodge would receive a voucher for $50 worth of gas from participating establishments. Although the new strategy has been a success for Hersheypark, competitors have been seeking to create similar, but better promotions of their own.

Stepping into the fray this weekend will be Kennywood, which will offer its own free gas plan for customers. However, unlike Hershey, which requires a resort stay to receive the gas voucher, Kennywood intends to give free gas to each and every paying patron that enters the park gates.

"We're inclusive," said a park representative. "With gas prices as high as they are, it is imperative that we give everyone free gas, not just limit it to the upper-end guests who stay in big hotels that may or may not still smell like ACE members after the convention they had there several years ago."

Starting Saturday and continuing through the operating season, all guests will be treated to a huge breakfast immediately after entering the park gates. The meal will consist of bowls of bran fiber and whole milk, prunes, Dr. Pepper, spicy pepper jack cheese, hot dogs with sauerkraut, buffalo wings with extra-fiery hot sauce, chicken-fried steak with creamy white sausage gravy, pork lo mein, scrambled eggs, whole heads of garlic, lamb vindaloo, and fourteen delicious varieties of stewed beans.

"Free gas isn't just a privilege," added the rep. "It's an inalienable right that we shall not deny our visitors."

--JCK

2006-07-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

Noooooooo!!

My god, how will we survive?!

Oh, wait. It's ThrillNetwork.

Never mind.

--GP

2006-07-04T14:23:00.000-04:00

Mr. Six's Pandemonium To Be Fun Any Day Now

"Mr. Six's Pandemonium sucks."

So read the text message sent from two coaster enthusiasts to a friend of theirs who had recently claimed the Six Flags New England spinning mouse ride was "loads of fun." Nonplussed, the friend texted back: "Nonsense. One of you just needs to be a lot fatter than the other."

"We just kind of chuckled at that," said Dan Hafner, 36, one of the enthusiasts. "But then I got to thinking...you know, it really would be a lot easier to make a spinning coaster do its thing if you put two people opposite each other, and one was really skinny and the other was a porker. If you're roughly equivalent in size, naturally it would be too balanced to do much."

Hafner confirmed that he had weighed approximately 180 pounds when he had ridden Mr. Six, while his companion Michael Sowell, 39, weighed about 175.

Determined to have fun on Mr. Six, Hafner volunteered to pack on as many pounds as he could over the summer, the better to unbalance the spinning action on the Gerstlauer coaster. Subsisting on a diet largely comprised of massive quantities of Krispy Kremes, bowls of refined sugar, bacon, entire wheels of cheese, and raw cookie dough, and refusing to do anything but sit on his ass and watch television for two straight months, Hafner has bravely increased his weight to 256 pounds already, with an eye toward topping out at approximately 300 pounds by late-August.

When asked if this strategy wasn't a bit extreme, the enthusiast noted that "it's important for us to get to the full effect of this spectacular ride, and I will do anything to accomplish that, even if it knocks my life expectancy down by twenty years of more. I took Robert De Niro's transformation for The Untouchables as my inspiration. If he could do that to his body on behalf of his craft, so can I."

"This ride is going to be awesome once we can ride it in its full glory!" said Hafner, spooning Crisco directly out of the tub into his mouth.

--JCK

2006-07-01T10:34:00.000-04:00

Celebrating a Year of Being Rather Confusing to Sane People

Happy anniversary to Americans Against ARN&R. We couldn't be more happy to have you as our boycotters.

2006-06-28T11:59:00.000-04:00

Thorpe Park Turns to Alternative Blessers

Disgusted with their new Intamin coaster Stealth, Thorpe Park today released a public statement indicating that "having the local Vicar officially bless the ride before its inaugural launch" was a terrible mistake, one that the park would not make in the future.

"Next time, we're going to have a Satanist bless a new ride," said park rep Chauncy Kefauver. "The Vicar guy obviously doesn't know what he's doing if the ride broke down this bad and this soon."

"Next coaster, we'll have some chanting by devil-worshipping priests in black hoods, and maybe they'll anoint the chassis of the first ride vehicle with the blood of sacrificed virgins or something. Or maybe they'll dance naked in circles and offer prayers to the Antichrist," said Kefauver. "Whatever assures us that the f*cking ride doesn't shut down after a couple weeks."

"Hail Satan!" he added.

--JCK

2006-06-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Sucks Balls

You knew this was coming, right? If you were remotely forward-thinking a few years back, you were deeply concerned that Six Flags was buying every park on the planet and then rampantly spending itself into massive debt throwing up tons of new rides everywhere there was a foot of gravel free. Oh, sure, it's not like it was all bad...we got ourselves a few of those nice Superman rides because of all the dough SF was slinging around, and we got a lot of enjoyment out of that. But we knew it couldn't last; down the line, that spending spree was going to bite Six Flags, and by means of the "shit rolling downhill" mechanism, its customers, in their respective asses.

We'd been uneasy about this for years, but then the signs grew more alarming this offseason, as new CEO Mark Shapiro toured each park and listed the ways each sucked and/or wasn't drawing enough cash in. Did you think all that would happen was that your admission ticket prices and parking would get jacked through the roof? Silly wabbits. Each park was being cased to determine how much money it would make if it were unloaded. The sudden closing of Astroworld and the sale (as of the end of 2006) of the Wyandot Lake and Frontier City properties were not so much a warning shot across the bow as a big, fat, steel-gloved cockpunch for customers across the world.

If you had half a brain, you just knew that Six Flags was, any second now, going to dump half its properties in a massive fire sale, leaving classic rides to the wrecking ball and stranding local customers without beloved summer amusements they might have been experiencing for years or even decades. And okay, coaster enthusiasts would be deprived of credits to notch. We won't pretend part of our interest isn't selfish.

Or did you really not expect this? Boy, you're stupid, no offense. Well, here it is. The fire sale, that is. Six Flags is actively taking bids from anyone and everyone in order to rid itself of Six Flags Darien Lake, Six Flags Waterworld, Six Flags Elitch Gardens, Wild Waves and Enchanted Village, Six Flags Splashtown, and Six Flags Magic Mountain and Hurricane Harbor. Enjoy 'em while they last, kids. The official Six Flags announcement is clear that the chain does not give the slightest shit what anyone does with the properties, meaning these parks are almost all as good as dead. Six Flags might save some of the rides and distribute them elsewhere, some of the parks could be bought by others who want to run them as they are or in reduced form, or real estate developers could just take properties wholesale and bulldoze them so rich assholes can have a lakeside view and a tax credit.

Here's what we think is going to happen. We honestly think Magic Mountain is too big of a draw in the L.A. market to get pulverized. Not that it couldn't get plowed into the stone age, and not that we'll be completely shocked if it does, but our gut feeling is that someone will try to purchase the place and run it roughly as is. The rest? See ya. It was already appalling that Astroworld got the axe with almost no warning; now picture the worst-case scenario in this big sale and imagine the lines of strip malls in place of Superman: The Ride of Steel and the beautiful lakeside paths at Darien Lake Park. Or a wrecking ball bashing in the side of Timberhawk in anticipation of a new, exclusive, gated community.

Yeah, some of the rides from these parks might survive, but remember what happened with Astroworld? Easily transportable, cost-effective rides were saved and stored, while the others were demolished without a second thought. Hello, Batman: the Escape, a terrible but easily shipped and reassembled stand-up. Buh-bye, Texas Cyclone, unique (if no longer world-class) wood coaster that would have cost anything to save. You might get Darien Lake's Superman at another park next season. Then again, it might be smelted into girders for that mini-mall. And don't think the fact that you love it makes a shit's worth of difference to Six Flags.

If this wasn't already obvious, the Six Flags announcement is our Site O' the Weak, and a more deserving SOW there never was. Screw you, Six Flags.

--JCK

2006-06-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

Denver Ride Remains a Huge Hit

The Flying Coaster, a Zamperla Volare model of laydown roller coaster, remains a massive success at Six Flags Elitch Gardens, where it is now operating for its fourth season. Although the ride is not popular with everyone, it is still getting rave reviews from its target audience, marking it as a major destination attraction.

"Flying Coaster is still getting absolutely huge marks of approval from our target Fourteen Year Old Females With a Korean Father and Caucasian Mother Who Live in Boulder and Visit Elitch Gardens on June 20, 2006, Along With Three Friends Named Tammy, Jennifer, and Kate, Whose Favorite TV Show is Gilmore Girls, Whose Favorite Food is Lasagna, Whose Birman is Named Hermione, Whose Parents Drive Her and Her Friends to the Park in a Silver Chrysler Town & Country With 30,213 Miles and a Red Kool-Aid Stain On the Middle Seat, Who Has a Huge Crush on This Classmate Named Jimmy Who Plays the Bassoon, and Who Comments at Exactly 3:13 PM How Gross it is That Twister II Has a Sticky Seat audience," an elated Six Flags Elitch Gardens manager Harry Cox told ARN&R.

Indeed, the popularity of the ride with that all-important target audience was not overstated by Cox. When interviewed, Angela Kim, a fourteen year old Boulder native with a Korean father, Caucasian mother, whose favorite things include lasagna, Gilmore Girls, her cuddly cat Hermione, and a young bassoonist named Jimmy, and who was taken in a Chrysler minivan with 30,213 miles and a red stain on a seat for a day at Six Flags with her pals Tammy, Kate, and Jennifer yesterday, and who noticed that Twister II had a really icky seat, told us that "Flying Coaster is my favorite roller coaster" and that it is "the coolest ride ever made anywhere."

When questioned, Cox did reluctantly admit that other, less important, demographic groups all concur that Flying Coaster "pretty much sucks."

--JCK

2006-06-18T16:28:00.000-04:00

Prankster Valleyfair Maintenance Staff Spray Red Paint Markings "Everywhere"

In an ARN&R exclusive and of course, absolutely reliable rumor, Valleyfair maintenance staff revealed the true purpose of the stakes and markings in the vicinity of the General Store and Sports Bar.

"So, ya see...we had a lil' time off, checklists done an hour ahead of schedule, ya know?" snorted Lurvy McCracklin, lubrication technician. "We just wanted to play a frickin' game of horseshoes in the knoll and the minute we set up the stakes, what happens? Some fat bastard in a greasy shirt snaps three billion photos, squealing 'Rollycoaster! Rollycoaster!' We tol' the dipshit better, but ya'd think he had a fried cheese stick in his ear."

"Nahhhh. Pronto Pup. Prolly saving it for later," chimed in physical plant custodian Tennessee McCoy. "But the next night, I was done touching up paint on some rides early? And we decided to have us a lil' fun."

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah. First we thought we'd just spray 'construction' marks at random 'round spots that make no damned sense. But once Tennessee painted a trail of pavement spots that led to the Sports Bar bathroom--like ooh, what a clue, now go change your undies--the battle to top each other was on."

"So Lurvy starts in with these stakes surrounded by pylons, right?" guffaws Tennessee, scarcely able to breathe. "And starts puttin' 'em EVERY damn where. All along the Lazy River, then right next to the big family tube slide, all up in the waterslide exit zones like whooooooo, you're gonna be looping all over the park. Right. Listen up, ya pathetic, snack-chompin' lardasses! Put down the camera--"

"And the fried-up Twinkie bars!"

"--yeah, that too--and Get. A. Mo-Freakin' LIFE! At least there's some actual ass in the waterpark that isn't on DVD! Leathery as an old shoe, smoking a Marlboro and high-mileage droopy? Yeah, maybe. Okay, more than likely. But hell, it's a start."

"An act of mercy, sure. That's it," fired back Lurvy. "I'm a regular Mutha Theresa."

"But after they trip over a low-lying chain or two following these trails, at least they can ask someone who'd really know what we're building next year."

"Another Camp Snoopy, bitches!" chided Lurvy. "Dammit! I said that out loud!"

--CO

2006-06-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

New Sponsor Announced for Spaceship Earth

Only a few months after Siemens signed on for a major sponsorship deal involving the landmark Spaceship Earth attraction at Disney's EPCOT theme park, the company has unexpectedly pulled out. However, the attraction, previously sponsored by AT&T, was not long without a corporate partner.

In a hastily-assembled press conference, the new sponsor was introduced to the public. That sponsor is Semen.

"It was a natural move for us to mate Disney with Semen," said park representative Julius McFadden stiffly. "We were certain that Semen had the know-how to come up with a climactic ending for this ride that it has been lacking in recent years. Of course, it also has a similar name to our last sponsor, negating the need for extensive sign renovations. We can probably make do with a little spackle and a black Sharpie, which will save a load of money."

Standing erect at the podium, Semen outlined its plans for Spaceship Earth. "We will immediately begin a massive overall of this structure," it said. "Only creating one huge ball was a colossal boner made by the original park planners. In keeping with the Semen name, we will create a second giant Spaceship Earth of equal dimensions right next to the first one, and then add a massive steel obelisk between them to form a new beacon by which EPCOT will be known."

When questioned by journalists as to the realistic ability of Disney to create a structure incorporating two massive metal balls and a towering, rigid metal shaft thrusting toward the heavens, Semen assured all present that it was "no cock and bull story."

--JCK

2006-06-09T01:50:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Enacts New Restroom Policy

On a recent visit to Six Flags New England, we noticed that the park has begun putting these signs in each bathroom stall:

ARN&R applauds both Six Flags New England's "green-friendly" assist to our planet and its continued ability to formulate new cost-cutting methods that will assist in relieving the Six Flags chain's crushing debt.

--JCK

2006-06-04T15:22:00.000-04:00

Busch Gardens to Open New Parks

Shortly after enacting name changes for its two popular theme parks, from Busch Gardens Williamsburg to Busch Gardens Europe and Busch Gardens Tampa to Busch Gardens Africa, the Busch company today announced that it would be opening an entire series of new theme parks. By the year 2010, there will be a Busch Gardens themed to each and every continent.

"Naturally, there will be a Busch Gardens South America, a Busch Gardens Asia, and a Busch Gardens Australia," said Busch representative Denny R. Rammerstein. "And we are sure that Americans will be eager to experience the exotic splendors of the unknown and mysterious when they step through the gates of Busch Gardens North America. But the jewel in our crown will be Busch Gardens Antarctica."

Expected to open in 2009, Busch Gardens Antarctica will use cutting-edge technology and special effects to give visitors a true taste of what life at the South Pole is really like. The entire park will be chilled to temperatures of -65 degrees Fahrenheit, with blinding snowstorms every ten minutes, along with near-constant, howling, 80mph wind gusts.

Details about most rides, attractions, and amenities are being tightly guarded, but Rammerstein did acknowledge a few details, such as the fact that there would naturally be a Festhaus serving authentic Antarctican corned beef sandwiches and pizza, as well as several thrill rides. However, he noted that "our roller coasters will likely be off-the-shelf Vekoma and Pinfari rides rather than signature attractions like Aplengeist or Shakira, since 99.5 percent of all guests will succumb to the elements before they even get past the annoying employees requesting that they pose for keyhole pictures."

--JCK

2006-06-02T01:13:00.000-04:00

It's a Small World Celebrates Forty Years of Annoying the Shit Out of People

This past Sunday officially marked fortieth anniversary of It's a Small World, the legendary and highly irritating family ride located at Disney parks throughout the world. Originally opening at the 1964 World's Fair, the first of the mind-destroying attractions was later moved to Disneyland, and others unfortunately followed at other Disney properties.

"It's a Small World was designed specifically to annoy the ever-loving shit out of all humans with a modicum of sense and taste," said Disney representative Beth Purdy-Slutz. "And boy, has it ever succeeded in that regard. That shrill, soul-crushing song will absolutely rape your eardrums. Unless you're a huge fan of heinously awful music, the piercing sound of tuneless shrieking children, or bucketloads of treacle, this ride will make you want to ram your face into a brick wall."

"Other rides are annoying," added Purdy-Slutz. "Some, primarily those made by Vekoma and Gerstlauer, suck balls. But It's a Small World has been unchallenged in the category of pissing the hell out of people for forty years. Forty years! It's simply unbeatable, and for that we are incredibly proud."

Although a recent industry poll showed that 99.9999999% of all humans exposed even briefly to the Small World ride and/or song instantaneously feel a powerful urge to maim and destroy, the ride does have at least one masochistic supporter who apparently doesn't mind being viciously antagonized by a appalling piece of music "6 or 7 times every visit to Disney."

--JCK

2006-05-31T23:50:00.000-04:00

Universal Adds Face Characters

Doc Brown has long been a staple at Universal Studios Orlando, as trained employees dressed as the kooky character have entertained park guests in the vicinity of the Back to the Future simulator ride for years. But after years of laboring alone, Doc will be reinforced by fresh troops. The first new arrival is the character of Marty McFly, who was successfully tested recently and will begin appearing regularly with Doc in the World Expo section of Universal Studios this summer.

But that won't be all. Seeking to capitalize on the fresh new blockbuster series of movies, numerous other Back to the Future characters will be featured on the streets of Universal Studios in the coming months. Later in the summer, after Marty's big debut, will come Mr. Strickland, Ma Peabody and Marvin Berry. At the end of the summer more new additions will consist of Babs, Milton Baines, and Sherman Peabody. And finally, in the fall, new faces will include Clocktower Woman, Scooter Kid #2, Bystander #1, and High-School Band Audition Judge.

"It's important to really market a hot new property like Back to the Future," said one Universal representative. "Seeing hugely popular, iconic characters like Clocktower Woman and Scooter Kid #2 literally come to life before their very eyes will create a new realm of immersive customer satisfaction and happy pleasure."

--JCK

2006-05-29T21:54:00.000-04:00

Six Flags New England Much Improved

The mandate from Six Flags upper management this year has been to focus less on massive new thrill rides and to focus more on customer happiness, infrastructure improvements, beautification, and raising ticket prices by an exorbitant amount. ARN&R recently sent a team of secret investigators to spend a day at Six Flags New England this past weekend so as to determine what sort of improvements might have been made since last season. Would the park be cleaner? Would employees be less incompetent and aggressive? Would anything work? Would security be doing anything to control the hordes of young louts running loose? Let's take a look at some key statistics to find out; the comparison in these stats will be made between the recent sample day, placed alongside the park's three-year averages from 2003-2005.

Average Daily Line-Cutting Incidents

2003-2005: 431,621
5/28/06: 367,997

Average Daily Smoking-in-Line Incidents

2003-2005: 237,786
5/28/06: 234,101

Average Number of Times Security Guard or Ride Op Looked Directly at Line-Cutting or Smoking-in-Line Incident and Didn't Do Jack F*cking Shit About It

2003-2005: 46,325
5/28/06: 44,917

Average Restroom Square Footage Covered With Fresh Human Feces

2003-2005: 100%
5/28/06: 98.6%

Average IQ of Paying Customers

2003-2005: 35
5/28/06: 50

WHIP

2003-2005: 1.94
5/28/06: 1.67

As can easily be seen, Six Flags New England has massively improved in several key areas of customer service, most notably in safety and cleanliness. Way to go, folks. Keep up the outstanding work!

--JCK