Monday, June 30, 2003

Disney Yet Again Hastily Rethemes Rock 'n' Roller Coaster

Only a few months after spending upteen dozens of dollars to frantically rework the troubled Rock 'n' Roller Coaster attraction at their Studios theme park in Florida, Disney has decided to pull the plug on the new version. Although the change of theme and music from Aerosmith to really crappy twentieth-century classical composers was brought about through the panic of Disney executives finally noticing the ever-so-slightly-not-family-oriented content of much of the oevre of Aerosmith, these leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful.

"We leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful," said Vice President of Ride Development and Public Shenanigans Angelo Thornberry. "When we realized Aerosmith had videos featuring all sorts of hot, scantily clad, barely legal teen action, we surmised that the next best, most Xtreme, thrills we could provide were those of the most ass-ripping music this side of Metallica." Unfortunately, the use of boring, academic swill written by composers such as Paul Creston, Milton Babbitt, and John Corigliano didn't exactly "put the booty" in the seats. In fact, most passengers ran screaming from the ride before it began, rather than after. "We thought all the bleeding ears were just from the Vekoma headrests like normal, but it turned out Elliot Carter compositions actually cause eardrums to spontaneously rupture rather than subject themselves to all that noise," said Thornberry.

Disney has announced that a new slate of hard-rockin' stars will supply the pumped-up soundtrack for the attraction, slated to reopen in August. Says Thornberry, "We spared no expense. Our new onboard sound experience will kick your fu*king ass into next week. Yeah! Get ready to feel 10 gigawatts of pure unadulterated music power ripping and jack hammering through your body as you blast into a tunnel and hit those loops and bunny hops."

Thornberry then dramatically announced the new line up for this coaster's soundtrack, sure to delight punkers, classic rockers, and death metal freaks alike: Debbie Boone, Cher, Culture Club, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and That Guy Who Sang That Achy-Breaky Thing. Sources close to Ratt inform ARN&R that they are crestfallen to still not be hired to provide their potent, influential, and thought-provoking music for a Disney ride.

--JCK