Thursday, June 05, 2003

Presley Denied Employment at Libertyland

The fickle breeze of fame blew hard yesterday, as famed Elvis daughter and burgeoning pop icon Lisa Marie Presley was rudely turned down in a bid for employment at Libertyland. Considered by pop music experts to be the single fastest plunge from celebrity to irrelevance in the history of the planet, Presley’s crash to Earth appeared to take her completely by surprise, despite the fact that her complete and utter lack of talent should have made this eventuality an easy one for which to prepare.

Speaking of blowing, Presley, noted in the past primarily for being married to a hairy simian (the loathsome Nicholas Cage) and an insane alien pedophile (Michael Jackson), began yesterday as a pop sensation with several musical hits having been eaten up by a willing and clearly retarded American populace. But then things took a strange and terrible turn: Presley performed live at halftime of the first game of the NBA Finals.

“I bought five copies of her album since she’s related to one great musician and was briefly married to another one,” said Ramona Quince, 45. “She was a heroine of mine. But then I saw her sing ‘Sinking In’ at the basketball game, and I was horrified. For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, that broad can’t sing a lick. That song is awful, and she screeches and brays like a donkey with a hotfoot. I’m going to use my CD’s as Frisbees and drink coasters.”

The sentiment was quickly followed by most of the millions of American imbeciles who purchased this ear-mauling banshee’s records. Within a matter of mere hours, Presley’s album sales had dropped to nonexistent levels, and hordes of crazed music fans were seen burning Presley CD’s in gigantic piles. As she plummeted from pop princess to a useless former icon on the level of Corey Feldman within a span of only five hours, the reviled former diva took the bold step of applying for a new job. Unfortunately, luck was not with her.

“I figured I’d be good in the country music stage show at Libertyland,” admitted Presley. “I can kinda sing, almost. But they wouldn’t hire me. They said I sucked. So I told the managers that I could serve funnel cakes or sell those little glowing things at the end of the day, or even scrape the gum off paths, but they threw me out of the office and called me a ‘no talent ass clown,’ like I was Michael Bolton or something. It was horrible!” Presley then ran home crying to practice caterwauling banal lyrics in a voice as much reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat as possible.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said widely disrespected Rolling Stone columnist Joe Levy. “Even Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice didn’t fall so far, so quickly. For instance, when people got sick of his shit music, Vanilla Ice almost immediately found work at a county fair as the guy who sits in the dunking tank. I’m surprised that Lisa Marie couldn’t get work at Libertyland due to the fact that her dad used to rent the place out and ride Zippin’ Pippin. She must really have gacked at her audition, dude.”

Michael Jackson has reportedly told Presley that he will hire her to operate the train ride at his Neverland park, as long as she agrees to bring six nubile boys with her per week to “ride his Zipper.”

--JCK