Ed Markey Admits Being "Unfaithful" to Family
Representative Ed Markey (D-MA), in a brief statement on Sunday, stated that he had been
"unfaithful to my loving wife and family for the last couple of years" while coming clean about an "inappropriate relationship" he had been having with an undisclosed person inside sources claim may have been named "Lee". Markey said that he decided to come clean when an interview posted on Coasterbuzz mentioned the affair, and since he had recently broken off the relationship, he felt it was time to come clean.
"Most of my decisions in the past few years have been based upon this relationship," Markey said to a writer for ARN&R. "The real reason for my Amusement Safety Act was because I felt my special friend was spending too much time riding them, and not enough time cuddling with me. I felt that if I could get rid of some of these coasters, or make them so heavily regulated as to be completely unpleasant, maybe my secret companion would have more time for me. That is what eventually led to the breakup, as this individual turned out to have a greater interest than I realized in saving coasters and moving them to his own park in North Dakota or Djibouti or the Greenland or something, I forget where, and I could not sway the person from this goal. As a last ditch effort, I concocted a great plan I thought would make us both happy: we could take every U.S. coaster, put them in wherever weird place he wanted, and then on days that it rains or was below 60 degrees, we could let people sit in the station, in the trains, and take their pictures! But that wasn’t good enough, I suppose.”
Markey said he hopes to be able to forge a close personal relationship with his interns, or perhaps a pet gerbil, this summer, as long as he can hide such things from his wife and family as well. [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry, Ed. Guess we let that one out of the bag.]
[Related News: Markey tackles the deadly shuffleboarding industry and spends time in lunatic asylum.]