Wednesday, August 06, 2003

ARN&R Editor-in-Chief Suddenly Notices Almost All Hate Mail Aimed at JCK Articles

JCK “Nervous,” Say Sources

In a troublesome turn of events, the ARN&R Editor-in-Chief just noticed that nearly every piece of hate mail ever sent to the website was directed at an article written by JCK. According to “absolutely reliable” sources, the writer was “quite nervous” and “explosively crapping his pants” in fear of what the main man might do with this information.

“We’ve gotten plenty of profoundly stupid hate missives in our mailbox over the last few months,” said the Editor. “And of course, there are loads of people who can’t stand us in various coaster forums on the internet. But it just dawned on me, all of a sudden as I was driving today, that nearly every article that’s made people send us comically misspelled and venomous hate letters was responding to something that guy wrote. And most of the irate Coasterbuzz and ThemeParkCritic dismissals seem to be based on junk he’s posted, too. I rue the day I hired that little jackass.”

The Editor-in-Chief went on to add, ”I mean, it’s really easy to lose track of all the trouble he’s caused. For instance, that Amnesty International piece got us comments that we were wasting valuable internet space that would be better used for a real coaster rumor site, and mrceagle said ‘As a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all [sic] of my family take parks very seriuslyand [sic] all thow [sic] we laffed [sic] after time we were apoled [sic] by the joke.’ Later we got some comments on an anti-Disney article JCK wrote from the same guy. Xfan accused us of being drunks after the infamous Great Escape article, and Gordon Beeferman got mad that anyone had thought to concoct a name that happened to be the same as his. Guess what? JCK wrote both of those. People accused us of Jumping the Shark after his mullet article appeared, and even Lisa Marie Presley fans wrote nasty stuff about us after he claimed her singing voice was ‘reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat.’”

JCK pointed out to reporters that “the Coaster Preservation Organization catfight was technically started by the Editor-in-Chief, although we both naturally participated. And there was that other wacko who didn’t like the porno article the E-I-C wrote. And one of my friends wrote in upset about the JWS article where Snoopy kept humping people’s legs. It’s not just me that people hate!”

The Editor-in-Chief disputes JCK’s statements. “Okay, the two count for me, I guess. But the JWS one doesn’t count. That was a personal email from a friend to JCK, and it used actual English grammar and functional spelling, unlike any of the other comments we get. More importantly, I’d love JCK to show me all the hate mail directed at articles by MMS or RAS or MEC or FMB or anyone else who has written for us.” A few seconds later, he made a loud buzzing sound with his lips and yelled “Game Over! Yeah, that’s right. There hasn’t been any hate mail directed at their articles!”

The Editor-in-Chief has not yet stated whether JCK will merely suffer a reduction in salary or be made to undergo some sort of corporal punishment to atone for his copious sins. “We could cane him, or rip all his toenails off with tweezers, but I think a more satisfactory punishment, one that will teach the lesson best, is to have JCK strapped onto a Vekoma Flyer and left riding it for an entire afternoon. After that, he’ll agree to anything, even writing nice happy articles about fluffy bunnies and little puppy dogs and how much he enjoys Six Flags parks.”

--JCK

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