Monday, August 11, 2003

Six Flags Over Georgia Blows Settlement Money

According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Over Georgia managed to spend over 454 million dollars within a period of approximately seven months. The massive sum was allegedly the entire settlement won by the park in a long-running lawsuit over Time Warner mismanagement of the property while the company owned Six Flags Over Georgia.

Although many insiders assumed the SFOG settlement would mean payments to stockholders or new rides for the park, all the money was apparently diverted into a special slush account for the park, which managed to live a life of incredible excess and debauchery until the funds ran dry. Among the purchases made by the park were a dozen Bengal Tigers and assorted wild game for them to hunt, hundreds of thousands of dollars of gold jewelry, a Bentley, a million dollars of cell phone calls using various calling plans, Claude Mabillard, and an oceanfront luxury home formerly owned by Absolutely Reliable before construction was completed on the brand new Absolutely Reliable Mansion last year.

Speaking in a high, squeaky voice and appearing before cameras with a new tattoo across its forehead, Six Flags Over Georgia claimed in answer to questions about the pile of dough it had spent, "At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see." SFOG also added, for no apparent reason whatsoever, that it "can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

The park also reportedly spent 113 million dollars on Strawberry Boone's Farm and Thunderbird, 19 million dollars tipping "Tiffani" at the nearby Meow Mix Club, 14 million dollars on Girls Gone Wild Videos, 23 million dollars for tattoos and body piercings, and most shocking of all, a $20 membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. In response to a reporter's question on "how could a park spend millions on low class trash like that and neglect to hire anyone to even clean its toilets once in a while," SFOG responded that "I want to rip out Six Flags America's heart and feed it to itself. I want to kill parks. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their Batman Stunt Shows."

The clearly deranged park then leapt onto a nearby Dollywood and bit a large chunk of its ear off, essentially ending the press conference.

--JCK

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