Published at Last: the Ban List
To Whom it May Concern:
The following individuals and/or groups are henceforth banned from attending any Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors events, including next year's 351st Annual AbsolutelyReliableCon.
- Stan Checketts. He brings way too many meat products, and tends to climb to the top of any structure nearby and flog himself while naked.
- Any enthusiast who advertises that they're looking for a third for a threesome. Eeewwww.
- Helen Hunt. Sure, she'll never go to the ACE events, but she just won't leave us alone. Total pyscho stalker.
- Shoewee. He just won't shut up about Schroeder.
- Dick Van Patten. He and Hunt just can't take no for an answer.
- KISS. Their robot clones just Rip Rip, Rip and Destroy, and we can't have that when we're trying to designate a Boomerang as an ARN&R Coaster Classic.
- Gordon Beeferman, composer extraordinaire. No real reason, but we were worried that we might be slipping in the Google rankings for searches for his name.
- Anyone who has even contemplated stepping foot on a Dance Dance Revolution machine in public. You look like robots. Stupid, arrhythmical robots. No robots at AbsolutelyReliableCon, whether stupid and arrythmical ones or KISS robot clones.
- Editors of ACE publications. Actually, they're not banned, but we figured since they show up weeks after the actual events anyway, we might as well say they're banned.
On the other hand, we would like to be sure it's clear that Paul Ruben is invited to every AbsolutelyReliableCon. We figure if we let him get in front of the buffet line, he'll probably say that ARN&R is the greatest coaster on the planet on the Discovery Channel.