Thursday, January 22, 2004

Big Chief's Announces New Ride, Promises Same Old Terrifyingly Crappy Operations, Facilities

Wisconsin Dells-based go-kart and coaster facility Big Chief's announced this week that a new coaster -- "the tallest in the [ill-defined] midwest" -- would open in 2005. Land clearing has indeed begun, as an intrepid ARN&R reporter confirmed, irritating his family to no end.

But Big Chief (now to be called, in a remarkable bit of cultural dissonance, Big Chief Mt. Olympus Theme Park) assured its fans that adding the coaster wouldn't affect its commitment to safety and customer service: "We guarantee that we will continue to provide operations right up there with the scariest Kentucky county fair you can imagine and will continue to treat you like a small piece of dog crap."

Sources indicate that the park will continue to prominently display "NO INSURANCE - RIDE AT YOUR OWN RISK" signs, inspect seatbelts for wear and tear no more than once every two years, hire only employees rejected as lacking the interpersonal skills to work in a sewage line, and check riders' restraints only if a rider is, in fact, standing on his head in the train.

Additionally, the park will be working hard to cover any remaining land -- whether presently covered with grass or dirt -- with blacktop. "In an innvoation," said a park spokesman, "we'll actually be putting heating elements directly into the blacktop, so that even when it's not blazingly hot outside, our patrons will still be sweating up a storm everywhere in the park."

There is no word yet on whether Big Chief will follow Six Flags's lead and begin covering its restrooms with feces and urine.