Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Six Flags Explains Old Guy Ads

Kieran Burke, Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Six Flags Theme Parks, today further explained in an exclusive ARN&R interview the logic behind the chain's national ad campaign, featuring a wildly dancing elderly man.

"This year's national ad campaign is the first on a national basis we have ever ran since we purchased Six Flags in 1998. Prior to this year's campaign, we concentrated our advertising efforts in drawing customers from our local market. Since we have seriously pissed off all of these patrons with closed rides, trash-dump theming, and having to navigate over six years of human excrement at our facilities, we recognized the need to expand our efforts to the national level."

Burke continued: "For this campaign, we decided on an iconic figure that would collectively draw people together. Many people have wondered and speculated why we chose an old man. Even though masses of enthusiasts have come up with such ideas as him representing all sorts of new roller coasters to come, including a package of eight new rides for Kentucky Kingdom, I am here to set the record straight on how we came up with Old Guy."

"He is not a senile old man that thinks he will have a good time going to our parks. On the contrary, he represents both the great icons of the Grim Reaper and Satan himself. We felt the Grim Reaper metaphor was accurate to stress our dedication to poor customer service and no training for the operators of our rides. The Satan metaphor shows that we want people to come to our parks to be tortured. Long lines, closed rides, mountains of garbage, employees who mock, throw feces at, and bitch slap our guests represents our alliance with Satan. When we add in the demonic combination of this torture with high prices for such torture, our alliance with Lucifer, Price of Darkness, is solidified."

As his colleague did in the very first ARN&R exclusive story, Burke then made an effort to prevent demonic horns from growing from his head.