Thursday, October 14, 2004

Monkeys Carry Out Retribution

The scene was startling as coaster enthusiast Meredith Maxwell, 32, was recently chased about by angry monkeys at Lake Bobo Zoo in Tennessee. After the agile apes pursued Maxwell for several minutes, they caught up to her, hopped on her shoulders, hooted loudly, bared their teeth, and demanded a "full apology for Maxwell's insulting and degrading comments."

Monkeys Launch Their Surprise Attack

Apparently the Tennessee monkeys were attempting to enact vengeance for comments Maxwell made about their "simian brethren" at Busch Gardens Tampa three years ago. At a visit to BGT with her then-boyfriend, Maxwell allegedly noticed that the baboons in the Edge of Africa exhibit were busily picking nits from each other's back.

"Baby, look! Those monkeys are felching!" she reportedly told the stunned boyfriend, who promptly fell onto the park's pavement, laughing hysterically. To the boyfriend's delight, Maxwell continued to loudly insist that "felching" meant "picking nits," stunning both nearby park visitors and the baboons themselves.

The BGT baboons reportedly have never recovered from what they describe as Maxwell's "cruel and crude assumptions about the level of perversity involved in our sexual relationships." They further claim that "her accusations about the type of sexual practices we have was of course incorrect, but many park patrons continue to think we are deviants due solely to this woman's thinking 'felch' meant something besides what it actually means."

After being held hostage for several minutes, Maxwell arranged for her release by signing an apology for her accidentally harmful comments about the BGT baboons, and by providing a cookie to each of the Lake Bobo monkeys.

Human's Peace Overture to Monkey Accepted, Diffusing Situation

Zoo officials report that the monkeys would be sent to bed without their bananas for three straight nights as punishment for attacking a zoo guest.