Thursday, September 15, 2005

Godzilla No Longer Worst-Mannered Being in Japan

ARN&R recently caught up with Godzilla, who was taking his summer vacation in Maui. We noted that he looked a little stressed and the large beast looked at us with his large reptilian eyes.

"Yeah, things have been bad lately," he sighed. "The economy hasn't recovered, the bullet trains aren't as clean as they used to be, and both ACE and the ECC visited Japan this summer. That was the icing on the cake, those guys are disgusting."


Godzilla in a contemplative moment

The groups, composed of the usual winners, set out to take over the "Land of the Rising Sun." The problem was that they were coaster enthusiasts, socially inept and unable to travel in a land without Motel 6's and Ryan's Steakhouses.

While Godzilla was unhappy with the destruction they wrought on his country, he was happy to be seen in such a positive new light. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed while sipping a Mai Tai. "I used to be the evil one. Now Godzilla is the shit. People see me as being well-mannered, intelligent and even thoughtful. When people this cool travel half-way around the world to ride a freakin' kiddie coaster you know that people are going to like me. Just the other day I dialed Mothra and he called them some classless f*ckers."

ACE Royal Chancellor Carole Sanderson said she wasn't sure why the enthusiasts got a bad rap. She commented, "Sure, we were annoying on the train and some of our...let's say inexperienced members did hit on the guide, but overall I think the Japanese came away with the impression that we were some very 'cool' people to hang out with. Yes, we drank a gallon of saiki at dinner and ate an entire tuna for each dinner, but don't all foreigners do that?"

While they could not be reached for comment, the Japanese "Office of the Good Commonwealth and Happiness" issued the following statement, "While we appreciate the A.C.E. and E.C.C. liking our roller coasters, we ask that they never return. The body odor, beard growth and unnecessary tank tops of the (mostly) white devils were disturbing. Please enjoy the wonderful theme parks in your respective home lands, such as Six Flags Astroworld and Flamingoland."

--FMB

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