Sunday, February 27, 2005

Oscar Rewind

In celebration of the twelve-hour Oscar telecast set to air tonight, ARN&R presents a very special rerun (with minor additions) of a classic from deep in our files: Sweeps First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards

Entertainment experts were shocked last night, as the upstart AbsolutelyReliable blog made a stunning sweep of every single award handed out at the prestigious First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards. Although considered by many pundits to be a dark horse possibility in some categories, ARN&R received no predictions of such a dramatic victory.

The ceremony was lauded by E! Television’s Jules Asner as “a welcome balm for our troubled nation.” As opposed to the Oscar ceremony held on the same night, nominees for AbsolutelyReliable Awards were feted with limousines, red carpet arrivals, and throngs of adoring fans. Vicious gorgon Joan Rivers and her gruesome she-devil banshee daughter Melissa, thwarted by the low-key Oscar telecast, graced the AbsolutelyReliable Runway to offer their assessment of the fashion sense exhibited by the nominees.

“Pitiful,” lamented the elder Rivers harpy to the younger, upon seeing nominee JCK exiting the limo with Jessica Alba in tow. “That tuxedo looks like a desperately starving freelance musician lived in it for 10 years. He’s actually giving me fond memories of Bjork, he looks so vomitous.” Rivers then made a gagging sound and pantomimed sticking her finger down her throat.

The unrivaled success of ARN&R began with the site claiming the very first award, Best Ongoing Flame War With Imbeciles on Forum Websites, the last, for Best Writing Staff Ever On a Website, and each and every other award in between.

Major prizes included ARN&R itself for Best Fake Rumor Site Ever, Best Overall Website Anywhere, and Best Site for Perplexing Those With Low I.Q. Scores. The website’s shop won Best Online Ye Olde Shoppe, as well. The Editor in Chief took home numerous prizes, including Best Webmaster, Best Editor in Chief, Best Article Involving Decapitation, and the S&S Power Special Little Bag O’ Fun Prize.

Other writers brought home shiny new toys, as well. JCK was lauded for Best Use of the Outmoded Exclamation ‘Pshaw,’ as well as a Special Independent Spirit Award for Creating a Long Article for the Express Purpose of Listing Lots of Euphemisms for Jacking Off. FMB took home the prize for Best Trade Show Report, MOS won the coveted Best Article About Alligators Being Bonked on the Head by Krispy Kremes, and the Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III Crescent was shared by CSB and MMS.

“There’s something really fishy about this awards ceremony,” said Asner. “I just can’t put my finger on it right now…”