Monday, November 25, 2002

Opportunity to Give ARN&R Cash Returns Triumphantly

Federal economists were relieved to hear the news that Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe returned to service, permitting hundreds of thousands of enthusiasts an outlet for their hard-earned KFC paychecks. "Shoddily-made t-shirts and other products with obscure smartass jokes are a huge growth sector of the economy," said Alan Greenspan of the Federal Reserve. "This is good news indeed."
In First, Enthusiast Mangles English Language

Readers of a coaster message board were shocked last night by a young coaster enthusiast’s lack of grammatical capability, sources told ARN&R today. The message in question, posted at 9:33 PM on ThemeParkCritic.com’s roller coaster forums, was authored by No1BoomerangBeeyatch3. His post, titled “BIG KNEW COASTERS READ THIS,” was described by both linguistic and amusement park experts as “an assault on the English language.”

“I’m stunned,” said Ohio enthusiast Andy Pongracz, 32. “I’ve been reading and posting to these forums for two years, and every other entry I’ve ever witnessed has been a model of correct punctuation and comprehensible, thoughtful prose. I can’t even read this post.”

Added CoasterHombre364, a regular forum participant, “I am deeply offended to see this sort of slipshod writing. All these punctuation errors, the horrible spelling, the run-on sentences…this is the first and only time in the history of coaster enthusiasm that I’ve seen writing this crappy.”

ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending writing sample, which is reproduced below:

i herd six flags got some knew rides for it’s parks, thats good, i like knew coasters THAT ARE BIG so gte some of those who we can ride. my favorite ride’s are one’s that makes me loose my self in them and i forget wear i was, isn’t this the best don’t you think so two? Superman ultimate ascape will be grate because their wont be any breaks for it, its going to be so cool for my girlfriend and i when we ride it and get LOOPED!!!!! And who know’s that other one their doing for enchanted forrest the woody? YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT MORE BIGGER THEN SON OF BEAST RIGHT OR I WONT RIDE IT!!!!!!! do I havemy facilities in tact here or what do u think?

Dr. Carol Lampley, noted professor of English at the University of Georgia, was disconsolate when presented with the post. “This writer consistently makes punctuation errors and misspellings so gruesome that I am uncertain whether the sample is really and truly composed in our native language at all. I would be remiss not to insist on a remedial English course for No1Boomerang3, since he is lagging far behind all the other enthusiasts, each and every one of whom uses proper grammar in his or her online posts.”

--JCK
Sheer Terror Sets In As ARN&R Store Down Again

Millions of shoppers were brought to tears today as Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe went down again. "It's almost like they're too cheap to host the store themselves and are instead using some freebie place," said Bob Jones, ARN&R devotee.

Be patient. Your opportunity to give us money will return. We hope.
Enthusiast Whores Self For Discovery Channel

Scandal erupted among the ranks of the American Coaster Enthusiasts this week when member Hugo Monro confessed to making lies and exaggerations in order to be filmed by the Discovery Channel.

The network’s new fall roller coaster special, Top Ten 2002 Thrills, features five steel and five wood coasters judged to be the absolute best the world has to offer. Descriptions of the rides, including the universally beloved classics Hercules, Chiller, Flashback, Son of Beast, Paramount’s Great America’s Grizzly, and various Mind Eraser SLCs, are combined with point-of-view (POP) footage, as well as onboard enthusiast commentaries and interviews.

Said Columbus, Ohio native Munro, 25, “I’ve been racked with guilt ever since doing the special. I have always dreamed of giving my incisive coaster opinions to an enthralled television audience. Unfortunately, Discovery needed someone to do another damn Beast commentary, but I figured, what the hey, anything for my fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize my bald-faced lies would weigh so heavily upon my soul.”

While viewing the special, Munro became visibly distraught as he heard himself cheerfully uttering such preposterous statements as: “Beast is an airtime monster,” “no coaster on the planet Earth has better pacing,” and even “this ride has a good, fun roughness.”

Ultimately sobbing in regret, the enthusiast placed his head in his hands. “What was I thinking? I am such a whore.”

Munro’s self-described “completely absurd” on-board sequence followed, causing him to turn his eyes heavenward, as if asking forgiveness from a higher power. A particularly galling segment of Munro’s narration featured him screaming the following: “Yeah! There are no brakes…oof…(unintelligible)…anywhere. We’re about to…ugh…hit 90 fat miles per hour! Yeah! (unintelligible) Air! More air! Whoo-hoo! Right (unintelligible) best…oof…(obscenity) camelback on this (unintelligible)! Yaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaaah! (unintelligible) number one coaster ever!”

“Boy, that coaster sucked something fierce. I actually got battered so badly during that one ride that I couldn’t walk right for a week, but I just had to be on TV,” confessed Munro. “I have brought shame to my people.” Methodically banging his head against the top of his television set, he added in a barely-audible whisper: “The horror! The horror!”

--JCK