Friday, May 30, 2003

Breaking News: Coasterbuzz Member Patiently Awaits Hot Date

We at ARN&R are pleased to announce the blossoming of young love on the internet, specifically at Coasterbuzz (where else?). A presumably young enthusiast named Alexander took the unusual step this week of asking, on an open forum, a girl enthusiast's mother to put the two of them in touch online. Snickering this pronounced and snorty has seldom graced the hallowed marble hallways of either the American Coaster Enthusiasts World Headquarters or the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion.

Alexander’s desperate and slightly stalkerish behavior was put into motion by this week's presentation of the new Discovery reality show Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. The presumably (and hopefully) young enthusiast developed a not-entirely-unexpected crush on the blonde, cursing teenager from Ohio. To his breathless and unexpected delight, Alexander, then discovered that both the girl’s mother and her riding partner from the show are regular Coasterbuzz forum participants.

A spectacular and brilliant plan formed in his mind. He would boldly scam on the pretty young lass by posting a helpful message to her mother at Coasterbuzz, the first choice of suave Don Juans across the world.

"[H]ave your daughter e-mail me sometime," he helpfully suggested. "Im [sic] a teen Ohio coaster nut too. My address is in my profile."

The young fellow elsewhere brags of the fact that he posted over a thousand messages on the Thrillride! forums (which he oddly, and fictionally, identifies as operating as far back as 1998) -- an attractive feature to any girl, no doubt.

"This is a most unusual method of obtaining a date," said noted sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "In all my dozens of years, I have never before seen someone so desperate and freakish as to attempt to hit on a young lady in this fashion. The awesome desperation and utter disregard for humiliation it takes to see a young lady on TV, never meet her, and then send a poorly edited post on a substantially-read open forum, requesting the girl’s mother pass along his sexy stats...what a dork."

The girl from the show was unavailable for comment on the touching romantic display from her stalker, but ARN&R presumes most of it would have been unprintable anyway.

--JCK

Ed. Note: The subject of this story informed ARN&R that we (along with every single CoasterBuzz reader of his posting) had misinterpreted his intentions. He states that his intention was to invite the Ohio teenager to an event at Cedar Point. He also noted that he has a girlfriend whom he adores.
Ticked Off Enthusiast Misled By Movie

This past weekend, coaster enthusiast Anthony Montana got really ticked off, according to witnesses. Apparently, the self-described "coaster master" felt betrayed and confused by the recent movie A Mighty Wind.

Montana's confusion apparently stemmed from a scene in the movie that showed a huge roller coaster called Whiplash, supposedly located at an amusement park in Tallahassee, Florida. Montana's best friend, Manny Rodriguez, laughed as he related to ARN&R how excited Montana was to fly to the Florida state capitol on short notice and at great expense, just so he could be one of the first riders to experience the majestic splendor of Whiplash. "I kept telling that dumbass that there is no park in Tallahassee, and that the coaster in the film looked like it was Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Deja Vu with a new name plastered on it, but he wasn’t listening. What a moron."

Upon arriving at the gloriously huge and modern Tallahassee airport, Montana encountered great difficulty in getting someone to show him how to get to the amusement park in town. "Everybody kept claiming there wasn’t one, or told me I was stupid. Why wouldn’t the people in this town be aware of a big new ride like Whiplash right in their backyard? It's a wonder the stupid place stays open, with fools like this living around here." After unsuccessfully searching for the coaster for two full days, Montana took in all the sights of 'Hassee, which basically consist of a nice restaurant called Cool Beans, a state capitol that looks like giant male genitals, loads of dirt, some rednecks, and plenty of drunk frat boy date rapists.

Leaving the city without ever having ridden Whiplash, Montana sneered out the window of his plane and gave the city of Tallahassee the middle finger while yelling out: "Say 'ello to my little friend!"

--JCK

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

TTD Developments: Cable, Supports, Track, Train, Train Accoutrements, Station Break
Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz Experts: "Just Breaking in the New Ride"

On-the-spot witnesses confirm, in an ARN&R exclusive, that Cedar Point's new "stratacoaster" Top Thrill Dragster has had a number of mishaps. Specifically, the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station have all broken, most of them catastrophically.

However, engineering experts at websites Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz have all categorically stated that the cable snapping, the supports collapsing, the track flying off across the midway, one train shooting off into a nearby show (seriously injuring "actors"), flying tires decaptiating passersby, and the entire station collapsing under 5 miles-per-hour winds are all "just your ordinary early days of a coaster" and "nothing to be concerned about."

"I can't believe how the media has overblown these so-called problems, and I'm far from a CP FanBoy," wrote MeanStrkRulz, known as an engineering expert based on years of experience with Tinker-Toys. "Things go wrong, and how could you expect the Intamin geniuses to anticipate every little problem? Gotta go -- Mom needs the computer!"

"I concur," wrote noted coaster design expert and tenth grader RaptorRulesMySky. "Occasionally in the early days of a coaster every possible component of the ride will cease to work, often resulting in serious injury or death. You can't blame Intamin or Cedar Point -- for example, take the supposed 'incident' involving the station. How could they have known to build the station to withstand gale-force winds of four or even five miles per hour? The park is on Lake Erie! Who would expect wind?"

Inside sources tell ARN&R that TTD will be up and running again soon, and that Cedar Point expects to reduce the life-threatening incidents to no more often than once weekly by the end of the season.
Experts Debate Irritation Factor of Discovery Channel Personalities

Experts gathered this week to deliberate the important topic of which Discovery Channel personality provides the most flesh-rending annoyance to viewers across the nation. The three candidates most frequently mentioned were Paul Ruben, Mark Wyatt, and a new addition, That Tubby Guy From Thrill Rides: Put to the Test.

"The clear choice here is Paul Ruben," stated Ray Bergman, director of the Institute for the Debunkage of Alleged Coaster Experts. "His breathless comments about any ride a park pays him to go off on sure piss me off after about five seconds. I keep waiting to see the video footage of him pocketing a wad of dead presidents before announcing 'Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Flashback is a unique and stunning ride, top ten for me out of the more than 700 coasters I am lucky enough to have ridden, unlike you poor slobs who aren't as cool as me. It's great and spectacular!' And that creepy way he trails off and makes that weird face at the camera...hide your pets!"

Gabe Solomon, a member of the Society to Stop Lying Jackasses Like Mark Wyatt From Stealing Money From People, disagrees. "Ruben does kind of tire me out after the ninth or tenth show he whores himself on," he says. "But that Wyatt bastard is the worst. After he pillaged subscription money off loads of enthusiasts and then just stopped printing Inside Track, without refunding a penny to anyone, it really takes quite a bit of nerve for him to go claiming on Extreme Rides that he runs a magazine. Seeing that smarmy f*ck whooping it up with his special friend on that show every year makes my gorge rise. Wyatt is an affront to the human race."

The dark horse in the category appears to be "John," the host of the brand-new Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. Says Heather Tiras, the Vice Provost of the Council to be Disgusted by Wanker Reality Show Hosts, "We were made to be violently ill by the pathetic self-promotion and forced wackiness of that guy. That show actually had potential. For instance, the two college chicks scored very high in approval ratings, though many viewers told us a naked lesbian love scene would have been a good addition. And those two Ohio kids cussing up a storm on X were totally hilarious. But Discovery determined that, instead of showing us more hot Arizona babes and funny cursing, they'd focus 98% of the show on Jabba the Hutt's extra-cheerful dorkus offspring. We disapprove of this John fellow. He does not receive huzzah, nor kudos."

Heated debates on the tool-ness of the three candidates continue around the clock. ARN&R promises to report the results of this debate as soon as they are available.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: In related news, Discovery Channel did fulfill the federal regulation mandating Elissa White's appearance in all television coaster specials by showing brief excerpts of her audition tape for TRPTT.]

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

New Contributors

We at ARN&R are pleased to announce that the entire P.R. staff of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom has joined the writing staff. As their collective first contribution, we provide you with the following press release, which we swear is exactly as it was distributed.

Greezed Lightnin' Opens to Rave Reviews at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom
Friday April 25, 7:00 am ET

LOUISVILLE, KY--(INTERNET WIRE)--Apr 25, 2003 -- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's eighth roller coaster, Greezed Lightnin', is now open to the public and electrifying ecstatic thrill seekers!

Greezed Lightnin' leaves riders breathless, blasting out of the coaster station like a bolt of lightning, rocketing from zero to 60 miles per hour in less than six seconds. There's no time to scream before zooming through the 76-foot-tall vertical loop, and soaring up the 142-foot incline. Just as passengers begin to relax and think the ride is over, the coaster plunges backward down the incline and back through the 360-degree loop again -- in 35 seconds flat. The coaster's exhilarating streak continues as the train coasts up the tail of the ride and glides safely back into the station.

Greezed Lightnin' is the first roller coaster of its kind in this region. The coaster's unique catapult mechanism propels riders from zero to 60 m.p.h. in seconds, similar to the catapult action utilized on aircraft carriers.

"The awesome power and speed of Greezed Lightnin' is captivating even the most seasoned thrill seekers, providing them with an exhilarating, and surprising experience," said Lee Graham, Vice-President and General Manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "There's nothing else like it!"

Greezed Lightnin' is a steel "shuttle loop" coaster that stands at 142 feet tall, and spans 583 feet on the ground. The coaster has one 49-foot-long train, which consists of seven cars each holding four persons, for a total of 28 passengers per ride.

Members of American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) are cheering the opening of the newest coaster at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "Being blasted out of the coaster station, then going forwards and backwards through the loop make Greezed Lightnin' a truly remarkable ride," says Scott Holmes, an ACE member. "With just a lap restraint holding the rider safely in place, there is nothing to interfere with the view or the wind rushing through your hair!"

Greezed Lightnin' is located on the front side of the park, near the Tin Lizzies antique cars and Road Runner Express roller coaster featuring classic Looney Tunes Characters Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is currently open on weekends, and will open for daily operations on Saturday, May 24th.

For more information on Greezed Lightnin' or on Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, call (800) SCREAMS, or visit www.sixflags.com. For media information, contact the Public Relations Department at (502) 814-4511.

Six Flags, Inc. is the world's largest regional theme park company. Through its subsidiaries, it owns and operates a total of 39 parks in North America and Europe. Six Flags parks serve 35 of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States. Six Flags, Inc. is a publicly held corporation with corporate offices in New York City and Oklahoma City. The Company's stock trades on the NYSE under the symbol: (NYSE:PKS - News).

SIX FLAGS and all related indicia are trademarks of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. ®, ™ and © 2003.

LOONEY TUNES, characters, names and all related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros.

Contact:
Company: Six Flags, Inc.
Title: Public Relations Department
Voice: 502-814-4511
URL: http://www.sixflags.com


Ed. Note: If you know any of SFKK's Public Relations Department, please -- please -- provide them with kudos for this brilliant piece of satire. We'd love to hear from them and fully credit this hilarious parody. Lee Graham: a brilliant move saying that there's "nothing else like it" -- your ability to pull off lines like that without laughter is why we love you! And Scott Holmes -- you've got a future in improvisational comedy!

Monday, May 26, 2003

Corrections

ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors, typographical mistakes, and incorrect and overzealous statements made on our website. Welcome to our new, semi-regular Corrections feature, where we fess up to our troublesome boo-boos with as much honesty and dignity as we can muster. If you think we have made an error in a story, please email us promptly at errorsupportcrew_main3456@absolutelyreliable.com. Or, better yet, call the American Coaster Enthusiasts at 609-889-6718 and let them deal with it. We’re pretty busy.

Due to a clerical error, a recent ARN&R article implied that all patrons of Six Flags New England are Chicano gang leaders and grotesque white trash of a level not seen even on the Jerry Springer show. ARN&R would certainly not knowingly disparage any race intentionally. Six Flags New England is indeed populated by loathsome and useless members of all races on this planet. We regret this error.

A feature in ARN&R stated that Coasterbuzz's Xfan enjoyed consuming the feces of his friends, preferably with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. This was an unfortunate typographical mistake. We actually meant to state that Xfan consumes his own feces, and he prefers it with a mango chutney and Turkish coffee. We offer our sincere apologies to Xfan for this error.

Due to an editorial error, ARN&R said that Quassy had all of the charm of being urinated on by Dick Van Patten in 108-degree heat. The article should have stated that Quassy was "a delightful park, fun for the whole family."

The statement that ThrillNetwork users average a third-grade reading level was inaccurate. Further research has indicated that the users' reading level is incapable of measurement.

Finally, our comments that the ACE members excitedly whoring themselves on behalf of the nearly worthless “new” Greezed Lightnin’ at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom were all “prize-winning jackasses” was an unfortunate exaggeration. To the best of our knowledge, none of these jackasses has actually won any prizes.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

We Were Funny All Weekend, Too.

While you were out grilling or remembering those who went before us or whatever, we were evidently sitting around thinking of wacky wacky coaster-related stuff. So scroll down and see not just "Winona Ryder Busted Again," but also "Coaster Zombies to Protest End-of-Ride Brakes on SFA's Roar," and "Universal Announces New 'Mommy' Ride." And if you're reading this and these articles don't appear on this page, just go to the archive.

Also, if you're going to SRM or any other event, if you send us a photo of yourself at such an event wearing ARN&R merchandise, or completely covered in gravy, we'll send you something free. That "something" may suck, but it'll be something. If you are wearing ARN&R merchandise and are completely covered in gravy, we'll send you two somethings for free.
Winona Ryder Busted Again

Last year, movie starlet Winona Ryder became the latest in a long and troubling wave of has-been celebrity criminal activities. Following an arrest for shoplifting, and a subsequent embarrassing court trial, many wondered whether the gamine would again turn to crime. Now they know, for the not-working-a-heck-of-a-lot actress was busted again yesterday, this time for attempting to shoplift the park’s signature Ghostrider coaster.

The incident occurred at Knott’s Berry Farm, where a surly Ryder was frisked leaving the park with what guards described as “a lot of added weight.” Said guard Jerry Painter, “I noticed a suspicious young lady with a huge bulge in her pants walking nervously toward the park exit. So I called out to her, ‘Hey honey, is that a top rated woodie in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’ I was kind of joking, but wanted to see what her reaction was, and she immediately broke into this frantic sprint for the gate. After we tackled her and used the Taser a few times to calm her down, we did a full body-cavity search and located our best roller coaster hidden on her.”

Park officials declined comment, pending prosecution of the crime. Ryder’s lawyers released a statement claiming, "just to cut it off at the pass," that Ryder was researching a film role where she may play a young lady who hides gargantuan amusement attractions in her ass, and is therefore innocent. The lawyers also noted that Ryder is researching possible movie parts as a crack whore, child pornographer, and serial goat rapist, and that she will also be innocent of any crimes committed in those fields, since she is just realistically preparing for roles.

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: For more on Ryder’s ongoing legal difficulties, please see her appearance in SFMM security files for rampant line jumping.]

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Coaster Zombies to Protest End-of-Ride Brakes on SFA's Roar

In a move surprising for its level of physical activity required, eastern seaboard-based enthusiast group the Coaster Zombies announced today that they would undertake civil disobedience targeting the final brake run on Six Flags America's Roar coaster, a 1998 Great Coasters International installation that has generally received solid reviews.

"Getting upset about mid-ride brake runs is setting our sights way too low," said club member Josh Razmy. "The brakes at the end of the ride mess up the ride's rhythm just as much as those mid-course brake runs, and they must be stopped."

Upon Razmy having it pointed out that the train would simply race through the station without stopping if the brakes were disabled, never allowing riders off or on, he was ready with an answer. "If these parks and designers really knew what they were doing, they wouldn't need the brake runs at the end of the rides -- the coaster would just glide to a stop in perfect position. We think Roar is a great place to start with our campaign against all brakes."

"Or we could have manual brakes -- ropes that the riders could grab on to to stop when they all collectively felt it was time to stop. It'd be way more organic that way, and the riders would have a great communal experience, too."

The club is expected to chain itself to the coaster's gates until the brakes are turned off or the buffet is opened, whichever comes first.

Friday, May 23, 2003

Universal Announces New "Mommy" Ride

Universal Hollywood and Universal Orlando announced they will have guests screaming for their Mommies when they debut "Mommy Dearest: The Ultimate Revenge," yet another new generation coaster-based interactive adventure, to parkgoers in spring 2004.

"The specs for this attraction are phenomenal!" claims Bobby Ditchelldorf, webmaster of UniversalOrlandoMatic.com, a rumor site dedicated to Universal Orlando. "There have been plans posted graffiti-style in the men's room outside Marvel Super Hero Island for the past three years, and it's gonna rule!"

According to the hastily drawn design plans, a larger-than-life version of Faye Dunaway jumps onto the riders' car and the car then shoots out of the station backwards in a vain attempt at escape, where a venerable horde of Animatronic Mommies swarm the car and tear some of the riders apart. This is followed by a ceiling of wire hangers just inches from riders' heads and a screeching voice exclaiming, "No wire hangers! No wire hangers!" and "Scrub Christina, scrub!"

"If all goes well," stated executive Mommy designer Stan Checketts, "With all the technical difficulties associated with a ride of this caliber, we should have waiting lines reaching into the next century."

--RAS

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Ungrateful Park Offers Nothing to Gracious, Overworked Enthusiasts

Recently, Lake Compounce Amusement Park in Connecticut offered no consolation to the fifty or so ACErs who were courteous enough to show up for a commercial filming.

“I went through the hassle of taking the day off of work for nothing!” exclaimed angered enthusiast Mark J. Harke, who scrubs toilets and empties garbage eight hours a week at McDonald’s. “I woke up at 7 o’ clock to be here for the park, strenuously rode the rides, and enjoyed the company of friends all day long in the glaring sun at no charge whatsoever, was forced to consume free Pepsi products, and ate only 6 slices of their horrible free pizza, as well as some bagels, muffins, bottled water, salad, and breadsticks.”

He continued, “and all of that for nothing! Despite me volunteering to attend this filming despite the park never mentioning any reward other then a ‘fun’ day of riding, the park still gave us all the cold shoulder and handed out no freebies after the skyride. This may very well be the only time I’ll ever be getting my face on TV other than that time I was on the news for robbing Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I don’t care.” Hartke blathered on, the grease from his chicken wings dribbling down his cheek, “it doesn’t matter if they had to pay the actors, film crew, and ride ops for their long day of work, and it doesn’t matter that me and my fellow ACERS didn’t fork over a single penny for entry, or parking, or food…I want my free stuff! ACE members are entitled to gobs of perks from amusement parks and we demand them right now!”

This writer agrees. The constant rerides on the number one-rated Boulderdash all morning, even being allowed to stay on for several rides after filming was completed, followed by rides on just about every flat and coaster in the beautiful lakeside park, with the ability to leave anytime one wished, were collectively a veritable slap in the face to enthusiasts everywhere. How dare the park not give us any free crap! Shame!

-MEC

[Editor's Note: Yes, it's true. You never know when an ARN&R spy might be at an event or regular park day with you! So please do something obnoxious and stupid so we can make fun of you on our webpage! Also note that wearing one of our products from the Shoppe will grant you immunity from our taunts. Be sure to wear the one with the guy pissing on Top Thrill Dragster at Stark Raven Mad or Coaster Madness to be certain we don't pick on you for being an enthusiass!]

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Dumbass ARN&R Reporter Forgets Suntan Lotion, Gets Hideously Sunburned

Thousands of enthusiasts, as many as 3% of them taking unapproved leave from work, ran to the streets cheering and sounding air horns to celebrate the fact that a major contributor to ARN&R forgot his stupid suntan lotion for an all-day commercial shoot at Lake Compounce, and succeeded in pretty much burning himself to death.

“AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!” said the reporter as he woke up this morning. “AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Then he yelled some other really nasty things we won’t print in a G-rated family publication like ARN&R, as he rubbed ineffective Aloe salve and Neosporin on bright red, flaming, itching swaths of hopelessly damaged skin.

“This kicks ass,” said Josh Weinberg, 15, a Kansas enthusiast. “That bastard is always making fun of enthusiasts. Now God has punished him for his wickedness. Let us all pray for his eternal soul to be violated and probed endlessly by Satan in the fiery mouth of Hell for claiming we eat too much at buffets and don’t get dates.”

“Man, this sucks,” whined the reporter. “How could I forget suntan lotion? I was basting away out there for hours.” He then paused to peel off several hunks of blistered flesh that had suffered what may be third-degree burns. “Now I know what it feels like to be Cajun blackened. Help me! It burns! It buuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssssssss!” He then began examining twenty or thirty violent melanomas that had sprouted overnight.

Later, after sticking his entire face in a bucket of ice for twenty minutes, the reporter was a bit calmer. “It’s really a disappointment. I was sure I’d find something great to mock or amuse myself with during the day at Lake Compounce. You stand anywhere near 50 or 60 enthusiasts all day, and you’ve got yourself some cannon fodder. I mean, there was that kid who I’m pretty sure was on crack running around flapping his arms and screaming “By myself! By Myself!” for some reason. There was some dude whose pants dropped to his ankles. There were these funny little girls who kept making sure to point out a big pile of bird doo by one of the coasters.

“And the guy playing the father in the commercial announced himself to us without provocation as ‘The Father,’ and made big quote marks in the air with his fingers to indicate his important title. That was all good stuff. But really, making fun of myself was much better than all of those. I am ashamed to admit that I was the stupidest &%$& there, because now I look like a cooked lobster and it hurts even to have a breeze come near my face.” He concluded the interview by whimpering incoherently and begging for Jessica Alba to please come rub Aloe on his forehead.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Buy stuff from our store right now so stupid ARN&R reporters can afford some burn cream.]
IAAPA Response to Ankle, Arm, Torso, Neck, Finger, Toe, Ear and Eye Injuries: "G-Forces Don't Cause Brain Injuries"

The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA") forcefully responded today to reports that virtually every injury reported by amusement park guests involves the guests' ankle, arm, torso, neck, finger, toe, ear, or eye by referring reporters to what it described as a "meticulously performed study by leading researchers into brain injuries resulting from gravitational forces." According to IAAPA, the report concludes that strong G forces do not cause brain injuries in numbers significantly greater than ordinary activities.

"To those people who say that amusement park rides can injure riders' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," declared IAAPA president Clark Robinson. "And for those who note that inadequate restraints, operator error, or unclear instructions cause many of those injuries, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," he concluded.

Six Flags COO Gary Story concurred. "While some may believe that our valued guests' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, and eyes are at risk when they visit our parks, I would like to refer you to the American Association of Neurological Surgeons report that concluded that g-forces pose no threat to their brains. I would also like to note that Dr. Rhea Seddon, a former astronaut and mother of four, has agreed that g-forces pose no threat of brain injuries. You're at no greater risk of brain injury riding a coaster than sneezing!"

When asked if either IAAPA or Six Flags would be commissioning studies of injuries to ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, or studies of restraints, operator training, or the clarity of instructions, Story and Robinson both noted that "the g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries."

Monday, May 19, 2003

New Trend in Ride Design Stems From Carnal Knowledge, Conclude Attendees at Conference

With the opening of Top Thrill Dragster, many world renowned psychologists have been contemplating the perverse lure to an attraction where a person would wait six hours for a fifteen second ride.

In a recent academic conference on the subject held in Switzerland, Dr. Frances Gettenhoffen suggested: "In a predominately male dominated, ego-based society, there tend to be obvious sexual factors related in current trends. Whether they be current or concurrent need matter not. What matters, is the fact that amusement structures or ‘attractions' are basically phallic symbols dressed up in pretty cloths with ofttimes long -- very long -- waiting lines and a short, if not pleasing, climax."

"This goes back to our neanderthal ancestry," stated palaeontologist/psychiatrist José Rodriguez Hosemedown, also an attendee at the conference. "This blatant form of dong worship has been prevalent since we climbed out from the primeval ooze. There is no reason to think that we, as men in a male dominated society, would erect anything to the contrary."

Dr. Wanker Fiddlestinder noted that even the pre-opening sight of a construction worker urinating on the TTD station was consistent with his theories. "In this male-dominated, ego-driven society of male dominators, we have a delineated tug to our penises. We like to hang them out, compare them and design rides after our favorite modus operandi."

The group promised to reconvene at a later date to discuss the psychological implications of the rocking motions of Looping Starship flat rides.

--RAS

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Canobie Lake Debuts New Rides That Decapitate and Sodomize Riders, Says Boston Globe

The feud between the small amusement park Canobie Lake and that paragon of virtuous and factual reporting, the Boston Globe, heated up this week as a rabid article in the deeply respected publication claimed that the park’s new rides are causing extensive problems.

The new rides in question are DaVinci’s Dream, a full-size Wave Swinger, and Alpine Swing, a kid-sized version. Many park enthusiasts and the general public were surprised by the Globe’s canny reporting of the difficulties these rides are having, as they are normally considered quite safe. Citing “really secret sources we paid lots of money to so they would help us sell papers with a titillating story about non-existent amusement park dangers,” the Globe made the bold charge that the new rides had caused the decapitation of twenty-three riders already this year. Even more alarmingly, the Globe noted that sixteen riders were violently sodomized by the Dream. “That ride is a veritable priest,” noted the Globe.

Additionally, the Boston Globe reported on the major effort being undertaken by communities near Canobie Lake to silence these rides. “These contraptions are an outrage,” a gentleman by the name of Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka is alleged to have said. “All that noise keeps my kids up. I bet they don’t have a permit. Also, that coaster they have felt me up behind the tool shed once. Canobie Lake is out of control.” Unfortunately, ARN&R could not verify the veracity of this quote in the Globe, as we could not locate anyone named Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka in the entire country, let alone New Hampshire. We also could not find the two people in the article, named Helmet Srinivasen-Kemper and Mateusz Juergensen-Westfeldt, who both alleged noise and construction limits violations by Canobie Lake. ARN&R will vigilantly strive to find these individuals for confirmation of this breaking Boston Globe expose.

This week, the Boston Globe also broke such exciting factual and well-researched news as the following: Smokeless tobacco is actually good for combating tooth decay in children under the age of eight, Sinead O’Conner will be elected as the next Pope, the nation of Liechtenstein is a rogue nuclear state that must be destroyed, and Sofia Coppola’s acting blew Pacino off the screen in The Godfather Part III.

--JCK

[Ed. Note: Canobie Lake's ride should not be confused with "The Head Remover," Old Oklahoma's still-running coaster that continues to decaptitate virtually every rider other than midgets. IAAPA's position remains that all such decaptitations are clearly due to rider error.]

Friday, May 16, 2003

Experts Concur: Hersheypark Still Using That F&%#ing Creed Song For Lightning Racer

Leading music and good taste experts have concluded this week that Hersheypark is still using that f&%#ing Creed song on the speakers around Lightning Racer. According to the National Association of Decent as Opposed to Utterly Worthless Music (NAD-OUWM), “we have ascertained after extensive study, with great distress, that Hersheypark is indeed still using that f&$%ing Creed song ‘Higher’ all day long.

The group has only just released its study, according to spokeswoman Laura Koning, because “we had to be absolutely certain that the park was committing an affront to good taste this horrific before going public.” NAD-OUWM officials spent most of last weekend gathering data through sound samples, personnel and patron interviews, and extensive laboratory analysis. Brave and daring members of the team even approached the actual monitors in the Lightning Racer queue line while dressed in full biological hazard gear to drop a special microphone near the speakers. The microphone used was a specially constructed one that can withstand the unbelievable lameness of poseur rock and roll outfits from Florida.

“We’ve processed the data all week,” said Koning. “Note how 85% of all patrons are either holding their ears, running away from this coaster, or yelling ‘this music sucks!'” And here, on this sound sample, you can clearly hear Scott Stapp’s pathetic moanings that vainly try to rip off Eddie Vedder, as well as a childishly simple drum line and no more than three chords in the bass and guitar. Also, note the bland lyrics, tepid performance, and shameless overprocessing of the recording. We have no choice to conclude that, yes indeed, Lightning Racer is still playing that stupid f%&$ing Creed song.”

--JCK

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Enthusiast Arrested in Amish Country

Ohio-area coaster enthusiast John DiLello was arrested on Tuesday in the Amish area of Pennsylvania Dutch country for harassment. According to police reports exclusively obtained by ARN&R, DiLello repeatedly attempted to get the "inside scoop" on what construction was likely to come in coming years to the area.

"Initially, he was just asking the clerks at the furniture stores for 'track sightings,' whatever that might be, and that didn't really cause too much trouble," said local police chief Bob Morgan. "But then he was really harassing some of the Amish people, repeatedly calling them 'cast members' and complimenting them on 'staying in character' while also demanding that they tell him 'B&M or Intamin.' God only knows what that means."

DiLello was also reported to be seeking ERT on the buggy ride and early admission to what he called "that dark ride," which local residents call "the one-room schoolhouse."

The arrest occurred when DiLello was found forcibly removing the traditional headwear from Amish teenagers, yelling, "You're just as bad as the Dippin' Dots guy! Fess up! It's gonna be a giant Intamin impulse!"

DiLello, reached for comment, said only that he found it "really weird that they themed a whole park after that Witness movie. And I never found a single coaster."
Valleyfair Spokeswoman Claims Steel Venom “Blows”

In an era where parks are infamous for their hyperbole and, sometimes, outright lies about the thrill level and functionality of new coasters, it was refreshing to see brutal honesty being delivered by a major management figure for once. Yesterday, Valleyfair spokeswoman Amy Maikkula disparaged the park’s splashy, but broken, new Steel Venom, an Intamin Impulse Coaster.

“Something blew,” Maikkula told reporters without a shred of hesitation, after calling a press conference to announce that the Steel Venom would not be opening as anticipated due to major technical problems. “I’m not sure what it was that blew, but I’m pretty sure the maintenance crew must blow pretty bad, at least. After all, they screwed up and something broke. Also, Cedar Fair blew for buying us this dumb thing that just goes back and forth a bunch of times, when other Cedar Fair parks have gotten stuff like Millennium Force, Ghostrider, and Talon in recent years. And you reporters blow big time for discussing this in the papers and on TV, so we’ll probably lose business from the throngs of patrons that would have come to ride this coaster. Actually, they blow, too. Most of them don’t bathe enough, and they ask really stupid questions.”

Maikkula went on to say that "it's frustrating. It's been tested extensively. I've ridden it myself about 20 times. Of course, as I keep telling everyone, it pretty much blew. It blew something fierce, to be honest."

Signs telling patrons that the coaster was closed were posted at the park's entrance, and "everybody's been really nice about it." Maikkula said. “For instance, one guy told me to ‘shove Steel Venom where the sun don’t shine.’ That’s a nice thought, to worry about the paint fading because the ride’s right out in the hot sun, although it’s really a bit impractical since we can’t move it. And lots of people said this park is ‘really, really bad.’ We all know that ‘bad’ actually means ‘good’ to these hip youngsters, so we can tell they like our other rides quite a bit. And there was the nice young lady who told me ‘up yours;’ certainly we’re glad she’ll be so excited to zoom ‘up ours’ when it finally opens and she gets to come and hand over her full admission a second time!”

--JCK

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Disney Announces "Yeti Mountain"

Disney's Animal Kingdom stated in a press release this past weekend that it is pleased to announce its first major thrill ride. In an effort to bring a little more excitement to a park with 6 attractions, including as many as one or two that don’t suck worse than anything you can possibly imagine, it has been announced that Vekoma, a Dutch coaster manufacturer known worldwide for its three despicable coaster designs, has been contracted to build the Animal Kingdom’s new e-ticket attraction.

The riders' journey will begin as they step into the heavily themed queue area. "We felt that theming is very important, even while the guests are waiting in line,” said a Disney spokesperson. "And that is why we've extended the theming beyond just the ride itself. The
extensive network of back and forth switchbacks will give the riders the feeling that they really are waiting in line for a train." Following the “literally hours of amusing switchback negotiation,” they will be ushered into a room and divided into groups of four to watch a "preshow" on the televisions mounted above the doors through which they will enter. This preshow will fully explain the legend of the yeti, as well as the safety procedures to be followed once riders are in the train. Attractive female guests may or may not be crudely groped at this point by nasty teenage ACE members.

ARN&R was made privy to a Disney management synopsis of the thrilling new attraction. According to the materials, “riders will enter the train station where they will prepare to set out to find the rare and elusive Yeti. It has been found in studies that the safest way to travel in a train is facing backwards, so in keeping with the realistic theming of this ride, this journey will be no exception.” The "train" that the riders will take their journey in will actually be contracted out and built by a Utah-based company, S&S/Arrow. It will feature such comforts as molded plastic bucket seats, padded over the shoulder restraints with extra large semi-circular hand grips, and the standard ball peen hammer that sharply whacks riders on the head every few seconds.

The Disney materials continue by stating the following: “And the journey begins...as the train ascends backwards up the mountain, riders marvel at the scenery as they pass waterfalls and bamboo fields. Just like at the real Everest's base camp at 18,000 feet above sea level. The expedition leader will be talking the whole time over a PA system installed in the ride, keeping riders updated on the search for the ever-elusive Yeti. But shortly into the ride the first Yeti encounter occurs! At the apex of the hill, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! The expedition leader screams out ‘we're losing control!’ and the train comes loose and plunges down the mountain. Back through the station it goes, and into a giant snowdrift, which sends the train up into the air and upside down. The train, seemingly out of control, will ‘boomerang’ around the snowdrift before hitting another drift and flying into the air in a loop, then landing back on the mountain, not too far from where it had originally begun its journey.

”From here the train begins its climb up the mountain again, this time moving up forwards. Riders look again for the Yeti, but this time are instructed to be more careful. Again, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! Once again, the train loses control and careens back down the hill, only this time, riders get the whole experience BACKWARDS!!!”

The brochures conclude by stating that, “after having ‘boomeranged’ their way back to the train station, the riders receive an announcement from the expedition leader that this amazing trip is over.” ARN&R has learned that, from here, some "feel-good" music plays and the riders are supposed to learn that sometimes, Man is better off not tampering with nature. Or something.

Disney has also announced that, in keeping with modern times, no animatronic puppets will be used in this ride; instead, a real human being will play the role of the Yeti. While names were not released, it is rumored that the man chosen to play the Yeti is a Wisconsin native, and the movements of the Yeti will be based on an original creation of his known as the "[censored] Flags Dance." Disney executives refuse to confirm speculation that the Yeti has already been chosen, and firmly maintain that Alec Baldwin, Nicholas Cage, Ben Affleck, and Andy Garcia are all still strong contenders for this important role as a big, scary, hairy ape.

Yeti Mountain is the only ride of its kind in the Orlando area, though of course approximately 250 other parks have basically the same dumb ride, minus a hirsute actor. Disney reps speculate that the ride should be open and thrilling the public by the summer of 2009.

--BF
Disney Studios Announces Long-Awaited Star Tours II

Reportedly years in development, the long-awaited update to Star Tours has been announced. The original Star Tours, located both at Disneyland and Disney Studios Theme Parks, was considered a groundbreaking simulator in its time, but has grown a bit long in the tooth in recent years. All that will change with the opening of Star Tours II: Darth Maul's Revenge.

"We've been working on this behind the scenes for about eight years now," said Imagineer Jeremy Miller. "Unfortunately, Disney management keeps reducing our budget year after year, and refuses to develop any of our concepts that don't involve gift shops and overpriced food, which really isn't the kind of stuff we took this job for. Star Tours II should be the ride that really puts Disney back at the top of the heap as far as innovative, cutting edge thrills, though."

ARN&R was able to confirm that the project has indeed undergone severe budget cuts over the years of development. In fact, 97% of the money available was spent on the guest shop revamp a few years back. We learned that the new attraction may be a bit more low tech than some Disney attractions, consisting only of a cabin that rocks guests back and forth as they view this exciting footage of some moron pretending to be Darth Maul with his own make-believe lightsaber. Regular guests will be able to view the standard ride, while resort guests will be provided with an upgraded ride experience that features better special effects and a soundtrack to accompany the moron's wacky antics with his throbbing rod.

"Okay, I admit it," said Miller after a moment. "The ride's going to suck. We have a few burly guys rocking a cabin around while some buffoon appears on a video and acts like a nimrod. I hate Disney. Why didn't I take that %&#$ing job at the Baltimore Aquarium instead?"

--JCK

Monday, May 12, 2003

Horrified Enthusiast Realizes Ozark Wildcat is Actual Roller Coaster

Hyperventilating with shock and outrage today, ACE member Willy Bobokins, 32, realized that the Ozark Wildcat attraction opening this spring at Celebration City is an actual functioning wood coaster. Bobokins joined the swelling ranks of ticked-off enthusiasts who aren't getting quite what they hoped for at the new amusement park.

"I'm pissed off," elaborated the unemployed dog catcher. "I got to attend a sneak preview at the park, but was horrified to learn what the new ride would be. I mean, I was expecting that maybe I would wait in line for six hours to experience an attraction that would shoot me up one big hill at 110 miles per hour and then be over about a second later. Or maybe I could wait four hours to ride something that blasted me back and forth really fast until I got sick. Or, better yet, I would have waited three days through copious technical troubles to get on some concoction that spun the coaster seats around really fast while the cars were negotiating a 200-foot dive."

Bobokins stated that "I was expecting something ridiculous and new. I don't ride anything that doesn't have some stupid gimmick. The ride better be over in three seconds, or possibly have such problems with all its spinning and bouncing mechanisms as to only be open about three minutes every other month. Deja Vu and Flashback are my idea of real rides, man. But stupid Celebration City went out and got a respected wood design firm to build a creative, fun, medium-sized woodie with lots of speed, some airtime, great direction changes, smooth tracking, and classic spiral drops for about one hundreth the cost of some big launched spinning gizmo that breaks down all the time. In other words, Celebration City bought an actual roller coaster. Boy does this park &$%#ing suck."

Bobokins also informed ARN&R that he thought Superman: The Ride of Steel would be way better with some loops, Holiday World blows because they don't have any big steel coasters, a Premier launched shuttle loop would have been a better use of the space wasted by Shivering Timbers, and the Beast is a great coaster with lots of airtime.

--JCK

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Cedar Point Staves Off Urine Flood With Bathroom Passes

Facing what employees called an “a veritable Armageddon of free-flowing enthusiast urine,” Cedar Point has begun offering bathrooms passes to riders queued up for the four-to-six-hour wait for the new Top Thrill Dragster attraction. As expected, throngs of eager passengers have deluged the TTD station all day, and the three trains are unable to match the demand. “The first day, we witnessed thousands of Pepsi-engorged bladders swelling to the breaking point and finally unleashing their contents all over the walkways,” said CP spokesperson Robin Innes. “It appears that most enthusiasts can hold their water until about the third hour, then they just give up and start hosing the pavement down.”

Innes added that the amount of liquid produced was “strongly reminiscent of the great flood that Noah escaped. Except, of course, that was water instead of piss.”

Cedar Point did react to the situation in a novel fashion. After having all plant life within approximately 600 square yards of the TTD station house destroyed by the high-acid Mountain Dew-infused urine all day, the park decided the next day to begin handing out bathroom passes to those in line. Said Innes, "We knew it was going to be a long wait, so we tried to make our guests as comfortable as possible. We gave them passes to get back in line."

While the plan has proved successful, at least in the sense that enthusiasts are not soiling their tighty-whiteys, and the plants and benches around them, the actual operation of the bathroom-pass-giving has encountered some controversy.

“The bathroom pass is intended only as an emergency pass,” said Ms. Graverson, a stern middle-aged schoolmarm. “Only enthusiasts who feel they will throw up or are really in danger of making peepee or poopoo in their pants are supposed to be able to use the pass. It’s not supposed to be an excuse to miss class or roam the hallways unsupervised. Most people are perfectly capable of waiting until the bell rings.” Graverson then paused to primly rap her yardstick across the knuckles of an enthusiast who was picking his nose nearby.

“Just an hour ago, I caught three enthusiasts abusing their bathroom pass privileges by hanging out in a stall smoking,” said line monitor Helen Ratchett. “These passes were intended to help people feel more comfortable, not to be used as an excuse for lighting up, making out, or riding other coasters. Enthusiasts may take a pass, walk briskly to the nearest restroom, urinate, wash their hands, and walk briskly back to the line. Anyone caught doing anything else will be sent immediately to detention, which for our purposes is a full day strapped into the back seat of Mean Streak.”

“I don’t like the way they run these passes,” whined enthusiast Peter Wolf, 41. “Ms. Tammy’s class always gets to go bathroom when they want, but Ms. Whitehurst won’t let anyone out except between periods. It’s not fair.” Others were even less fortunate. Chris Grueninger, 29, was caught sneaking back into line without a bathroom pass after he claimed “he couldn’t hold it until it was his turn after recess” and was savagely paddled by the principal before being sent home with a note to his mommy. Coasterbuzz’s Xfan used his bathroom pass as an opportunity to masturbate three times while admiring the Snoopy and Linus mascots, and then take a monster dump, and he was suspended from Cedar Point for a week. “It’s simply not fair to others in line to keep the bathroom pass for three hour,” said Innes. “We like to teach sharing and/or caring at our institution.”

“As long as everyone patiently waits for their turn to make peepee and then go to the restroom only when they are given the bathroom pass, this program will work out just great,” said Innes. “Despite some difficulties with a few enthusiasts, most are already accepting the program wholeheartedly. And it’s sure helping us out…whereas yesterday I had to pontoon my way across the plaza to visit the ride ops at Top Thrill Dragster, today there are only a few scattered yellow puddles here and there to step over. We’re back on track, and ready to welcome trillions of customers again tomorrow!”

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: Yes. Three articles in a row about TTD. You caught us. We suck. However, it does give us one more opportunity to mention that we have a t-shirt picturing a dude pissing on TTD itself, which is very similar to enthusiasts pissing on themselves in line. And if you were in line for TTD before they started giving out bathroom passes, you owe it to yourself and your urine-discolored boxers to keep that special moment alive with our amusing yet fairly tasteless apparel at Ye Olde Reliable Shoppe!]
Hoover Sues Cedar Fair Over Copyright/Patent Infringement

Hoover International, the makers of fine vacuum equipment for more than 75 years, has filed suit in a federal court claiming Cedar Fair has breached patent copyright laws with the design of their newest attraction: Top Thrill Dragster.

"We are not saying the ride 'sucks' like our vacuum products," claims Peter Puller, a representative for Hoover International. "However, after bringing my 11 year old daughter to Cedar Point for the opening of this 2003 season, I couldn't help but notice the flagrant disregard of copyright/patent civility with the design of their newest attraction, Top Thrill Dragster."

Shanequa Aqua Greensfielder, an attorney for Hoover International, registered exhibit "A" with the federal court today showing claims of Hoover's original advertising scheme of 0-120mph in under one second and a 42" hose tube. "This obviously was reflected in the design scheme of TTD with their 0-120mph speed and 420' high tower," continued Greensfielder. "[T]his infringement is malicious, atrocious, underhanded and downright sinful! We are not only going after Cedar Fair, we will also be attacking Cedar Point directly, as well as Intamin, the original designers, a random Dippin' Dots guy, and ‘Joe,’ the guy who pissed on the wall...no one shall escape our wrath!"

Hoover International also plans lawsuits around this great country of ours attacking such parks as Tennessee's Libertyland, Six Flags' Great Adventure, Paramount's Carowinds and Disney's California Adventure (to name quite a few), for containing rides that do 'suck.'

-RAS

[Editor's Note: Yes, we know we posted two consectutive Top Thrill Dragster articles. After all, the opening of this 5-second ride is the single most important event in the history of mankind, and deserves to be feted and fawned over by every website on the planet for the rest of eternity. Or something. In any case, go buy that t-shirt of the guy pissing on the most important thing ever constructed by the hand of man. You know you want it.]

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Top Thrill Dragster, Sandusky Condom Sales Linked

In the current financial quarter, both Cedar Fair and Sandusky condom profits hit five-year highs, a substantial and rapid growth acknowledged by representatives of Cedar Fair and Sheik as "extremely pleasing." Although many news organizations have failed to acknowledge the link between the phenomena, ARN&R has unearthed evidence demonstrating that the two come hand in hand. Local Sandusky women told ARN&R that "there's just something about the look of Dragster that Thrills us."

It's seems the 420-foot-high phallus (AKA Top Thrill Dragster) standing high over Sandusky Bay has increased condom sales tenfold as of late. "There is just something about the glow," says Anne Heitz. "Of course, we must remember to practice safe sex at times like these, but man, that gargantuan glowing shaft really gets me going."

The number one selling variety seems to be Trojan Magnums, as this is, according to massive throbbing member experts, "one giant lightning rod sticking into the sky." Asked about the phenomenon, local convenience store owner Abi Abudabababadibuda said, "Our sales quadrupled upon the announcement of Top Thrill Dragster and since then have continued to skyrocket."

The Sandusky Police Dept. has been dispatched to Battery Park numerous times in the last month. Officer Bob Uleime said "Something about the beautiful glistening shaft shining into the sky at night has really revved things up. Why, just last week we took into our custody a couple who were arrested by Cedar Point Police for indecent exposure in front of a web camera at Cedar Point."

Roller coaster enthusiasts have come from across the country in hopes of finally getting some from the residents of Sandusky. William Wisselboi said, "Oh, it is just splendid. I may finally become a real man after all these decades, under the moonlight glow of a gigantic pillar of manly power."

Cedar Point official Dick Kinzel refused to acknowledge the remarkable coincidence between new condom sales and the construction of Top Thrill Dragster, nor would he even admit off the record that the ride is strongly reminiscent of a giant schlong. However, he did confirm that he is "not remotely intimidated by the spectacular height and girth of TTD," and also assured ARN&R that the ride was definitely not, as some had feared, "ribbed for her pleasure."

--BCK

[Editor's Note: If that huge shaft thrusting through the air at Cedar Point is making your lover question your manhood on a nightly basis, get back at it by purchasing one of our excellent t-shirts showing a dude pissing on Top Thrill Dragster. It'll still have a bigger package than you by several hundred feet, but you'll feel a little better about yourself.]

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Redneck Parks Square Off on Springer

On today’s Jerry Springer show, titled “I’m in a Bizarre Love Triangle With My Uncle and Cousin,” small redneck amusement parks Lake Winnepesaukah and Conneaut Lake were the featured guests. Observers of the show rated the episode one of the best in Springer history for its substantial amount of cat fighting, trash talk, and shocking gross-out moments.

The segment began with Lake Winnepesaukah confessing the forbidden love it was sharing with Conneaut Lake. “We first cousins, so we had to sneak out behind our mommas backs ever since we was 12 to go (obscenity) out back of the outhouse down the block. Now I’m here to tell momma and the whole world about our love and if they don’t like it they can (obscenity) theyselfs.” At this, the audience broke into a rambunctious chant of “Incest whore! Incest whore!” after which Lake Winnie yelled to them, “you best talk to the hand, you best talk to the hand! You all don’t know me. You just jealous cause you don’t get to (obscenity) none of this (obscenity).” Lake Winnie then dropped its pants before a booing and laughing crowd before being gently led to its seat by Springer bodyguard Steve.

Following the commercial break, Conneaut Lake came on the set and engaged in grotesque tongue kissing and body rubbing with Lake Winnie. After the pair sat down, revelations began. Although Lake Winnie thought the pair was appearing on the show to confess their incestuous love, Conneaut Lake had brought Winnie on to announce that it was also having sex with Visionland. “Oh, sick!” yelled Winnie. “That you uncle! You (several obscenities) my daddy, you sick (really awful obscenity)? You (obscenity) uncle (obscenity)!” Winnie immediately gave a vicious pimp slap to Conneaut Lake, who responded by ripping Lake Winnie’s shirt off and pulling its hair. Steve was forced to drag the two apart with help from two other guards.

The love triangle grew more sordid with the introduction of Visionland, who, after fighting off a slap assault by Lake Winnepesaukah, told Conneaut Lake that it was “tired of (obscenity) its fat (obscenity) and it had a saggy, stupid ass and was a white trash (obscenity).” Visionland then went backstage and brought out its 11-year-old daughter Old Town, whom it proposed to onstage and gave a sloppy tongue kiss as Old Town ran its fingers through Visionland’s luxuriant mullet.

A total free-for-all of fighting and (almost completely bleeped) screaming consumed the remaining three minutes of show time. Springer concluded the show with pithy words of wisdom: “We all face our lives in different ways. Although some of us may not understand a trashy amusement park marrying its daughter or loving its uncle right, these are just different ways of expressing devotion. We can only hope that such incestuous displays don’t continue the cycle of anger and violence these parks seem to feel, and that they can come to grips with these events and move on with their seasons. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you.”

--JCK

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

North Carolinian Warlord Lays Down Gauntlet

Kenny Bob Long III, feared dictator of the North Carolina portion of Paramount's Carowinds, escalated that park's ongoing crisis by making what he deemed the "final" offer. "If Paramount does not provide this part of the park full funding for a dramatic expansion of the Dippin' Dots franchises, the good people of North Carolina will have no choice but to consider usage of the funnel cakes for which we now have all of the necessary ingredients," said chief negotiator Billy Ray Robert. Long added in a written statement: "The suppression of the People's Republic of Northern Carowinds by the aggressors south of here must end, and our possession of flour, powdered sugar, and certain artificial flavorings will help us end that suppression."

The park has been a simmering hotbed of tension ever since Long acknowledged that the insular North Carolina part of the park had been developing a funnel cake program for several years, despite an agreement that such development would be put on hold in return for full funding for the northern shows, in particular Long's favorite, "I Married My Cousin and Didn't Have No Mutants As Kids!," a rollicking musical romp through the culture of North Carolina. Despite that agreement, operatives from Paramount headquarters determined that the funnel cakes were not solely in South Carolina, and indeed, that North Carolina had purchased the key ingredients from rogue parks such as the now-defunct Race World in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

The free-market South Carolina portion of the park, with its thriving economy based largely on high-tech (on-ride photos) and the arts (caricatures and "old-time" photography) has been living in fear of a full-blown funnel cake onslaught, and has been dependent on Paramount Parks to prevent catastrophe. With Long's ongoing threats and ever-more-quirky behavior (including a recent proposal to replace the water in the Flying Super Saturator with calf's blood), that fear has been increased.

Gary Slade, publisher of Amusement Today, has been called in to mediate the dispute, but experts fear that he will merely distract the parties with his constant barrage of grammatical and spelling errors.

Monday, May 05, 2003

For Second Straight Year, Cedar Point Reaches Finals

In last night’s playoff action, Cedar Point held off a late rally from Paramount’s King’s Island to earn the Eastern Conference crown and face off next week in a highly anticipated rematch of last year’s final. Once again, the Point will square off against Six Flags Magic Mountain for the theme park crown.

“I want to shout out and give thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this great victory, because I know He was with us and will bring us a championship,” said Point guard Troy Hudson. “We came to play, we brought our game face out, and we were the most G’d up tonight.”

The Point almost didn’t return to the finals. After leading their series with PKI three games to one, Cedar Point seemed to relax, and allowed the tough Islanders to dominate them in the next two face/offs. However, the Point, despite facing the scoring of Dirk “Beast” Nowitski and the mad airtime of Tracy “The Vortex” McGrady, outlasted a final last-minute barrage of PKI outside shooting to win 116-112. Shaquille “Mean Streak” O’Neal led the Point with 40 points, while Ben “The Raptor” Wallace notched a timely triple-double to help lead the team to victory.

Cedar Point moves on to play a SFMM team that has won two straight championships, but has looked surprisingly vulnerable this playoff season. In the first round, it took SFMM seven games to earn victory against the undermanned but scrappy eighth seed Family Kingdom, who was led by Swamp “The Answer” Fox and his absurd 38.5 point per game average for the series. After a relatively easy victory over Sea World Texas, the conference final was an epic battle, including five overtime games, which SFMM barely won from a tough young Holiday World squad.

Pregame hype for the championship has already begun. “Last year, Magic Mountain handed us our big Dr. Seuss hat and mopped the park urinals with us,” said Cedar Point coach George Karl. “We had our chances in that series, but the more we tightened our grasp, the more they slipped through our fingers. We’re going to finish this off and do it right this year so that fans of Cedar Point, the best fans on Earth, can celebrate a world championship with their team. We are the Millennium Force!”

--JCK

Sunday, May 04, 2003

EPCOT Revamps Test Track

Test Track, the revolutionary, though difficulty-plagued, ride at Disney's EPCOT park, has been shut down for a complete revamp and rehab, Disney officials tell ARN&R. The ride will be closed until approximately the middle of July as EPCOT changes the ride into "SUV Test Track" to better reflect what a park representative calls "the zealous American need to guzzle as much gas as possible, drive as much like a jackass as possible, and attempt, with no success whatsoever, to compensate for extremely tiny penises."

The current ride is one of the more popular ones at the park already. After observing a series of indoor exhibits that are really loud and pretty damn irritating after standing by them for two hours, riders see a snooze-inducing preshow, and then board Test Track cars that demonstrate a variety of prototype car tests and a high-speed trip around an outdoor track.

The new version of the ride is reported to focus more closely on the specific abilities of the SUV as opposed to actual responsible cars owned by people who aren't complete assholes (and who are perfectly happy with the large bulge in their pants). Riders will be able to practice riding up the ass of sensible family cars in the slow lane at 95 miles per hour, swerving randomly into lanes other than their own while watching television and playing with themselves, screaming into their cell phones while ramming into helpless children on bikes, setting their car alarms to 6000 decibels just in case a squirrel drops a nut within 50 yards of the stupid thing, blasting rap music loud enough to break windows eight blocks away, splaying across 5 parking spaces in tiny off-street city parking lots, and begging their doctors to please please please make their incredibly tiny wangs just a little bit bigger no matter what the cost.

SUV Test Track will conclude with a variant of the exciting 60mph outdoor track run, though in the new SUV version riders will experience the added thrill of driving at 150mph, knocking a Hyundai off a bridge, running over two Toyota Corollas, and then hitting a small chunk of gravel, flipping over, and exploding into a giant fireball.

Passengers will have the added thrill of portraying a themed character on their SUV Test Track run, each with a different vehicle. Rich Yuppie Scum Jackass Businessmen With Itty-Bitty Members and Rage Issues will drive a black Dodge Lincoln Navigator while yelling into a cell phone about some corporate takeover or golf. Stupid Little Blonde Teenage Bimbos Who Should Be Getting Knocked Up Instead of Endangering Others' Lives With Their Crappy Driving will drive baby blue Dodge Durangos while yelling into a cell phone about Christina Aguilera or how many football players they've given it up to this week. Repulsive Upper Class Soccer Moms Wearing Designer Sweatpants will use brown Chevy Tahoes while yelling randomly into the cell phone about nothing at all just to feel like they have some use on this planet. Or passengers can be a Pimp, and drive a black Cadillac Escalade while yelling into a cell phone that that bitch better pay up or she gonna taste the back of yo hand tonight.

--JCK

[Additional important Disney news: Woman stunned by THE FUTURE and Rock 'n' Rolller Coaster now features music by craptastic mid-twentieth-century composers.]

Friday, May 02, 2003

Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of North...er..." (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."

--JCK
Ruben, Cowell to Battle

Paul Ruben, noted coaster "critic" and editor of alleged magazine Park World has agreed to do a celebrity boxing gig with Simon Cowell of American Idol fame. While details are sketchy at the moment, we do have word from excellent sources that that Don King has repeatedly offered to promote the match.

It seems that Cowell dissed Top Thrill Dragster after previewing the ride for an upcoming "AI at the park" Memorial Day special, declaring it "the worst kind of American trash...short in duration and long on hype." Ruben, who declared TTD to be his new number one coaster months before it actually was built, overhearing these remarks, threw down the gauntlet and challenged Cowell to a fight. There was even talk of a wager.

If Cowell wins the fight, Ruben must perform on stage for American Idol, where it is expected that he'll perform his usual gymnastics routine, doing backflips and cartwheels while singing the Cedar Fair anthem and stuffing parks' money into his pockets. If Ruben wins, then Simon must perform "Stan Checketts high-dive", launching himself off the top of TTD into a small wading pool underneath while repeatedly thrashing himself with a bullwhip. Enthusiasts everywhere should be ready for this epic battle of men who love the cameras.

--WJD

In related news, ARN&R has not been able to confirm that Ruben has any actual comparative basis for reported declarations that TTD is "better than sex." Nor has ARN&R been able to confirm allegations that he was arrested for public indecency in Cedar Point's parking lot attempting to obtain a basis for comparison. More news as we get it. --CJ

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Six Flags Trying to Come Up with Something Else to Blame for Unbelievably Huge Continuing Losses

With the Iraq hostilities fading to nothing and the impact of 9/11 ever further in the past, Six Flags executives are faced with a tough problem: What to blame for their inevitably huge losses?

ARN&R has learned, though intrepid investigative reporting, that Six Flags are continuing a two-day meeting today in a previously undisclosed location – a double-wide next to corporate headquarters in Oklahoma City – to consider the possibilities. And ARN&R was there, hidden in a small closet with the water heater, listening.

"Hey, we could blame the Dixie Chicks!" suggested Gary Story, president and Chief Operating Officer of the company. “People are angry at them, and Dixie sorta rhymes with Six, and…” His voice trailed off.

Del Holland, in from his position running Six Flags Magic Mountain, had a different idea. “How about we blame reality television? Everyone really likes that show where the dudes are all in masks.” When it was pointed out that Paramount had previously blamed low results on a really good run of Rockford Files episodes, Holland agreed that Six Flags likely should not use a similar reason.

The meeting yesterday ended with executives despondent, but determined to work further today to find more options. Suggestions to be considered today include blaming bad photocopiers, an increase in broadband access for enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time, and Martha Stewart.