Friday, January 30, 2004

New Club Formed for Nobel Prize-Winning Coaster Fans

The world is heavily laden with coaster enthusiast clubs, from the European Coaster Club to the Coaster Zombies to the largest group with the most abusive secretary, the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

However, until this point, there was no coaster club which catered specifically to Nobel Laureates in the field of literature. This glaring error was rectified by the recent creation of the Conglomerate for Roller Coaster Enthusiasts Who Have Won Nobel Prizes in Literature.

To gain entry into this club, coaster enthusiasts must pass the standard tests that would enable them to join any coaster club: they must maintain intricate lists about what their favorite kiddie suspended coaster is to ride on a rainy day in the fifth seat on the left, have a poor knowledge of how to please a member of the opposite sex, and maintain the ability to say "I want a monster woodie" without the slightest hint that it will make everyone around them laugh uncontrollably. However, what makes the CRCEWHWNPL so exclusive is that the members must have all won a Nobel Prize in Literature.

"Members of our club are able to share their common interests," notes recent Nobel winner John Maxwell Coetzee. "We get together for think tanks, and discuss works of art and poetry. Then we yell our asses off riding Magnum and dive face-first into the pork barbecue!"

But the highlight of the club, say most Nobel Laureate coaster fans, is their spectacular online forum, the Weepy Teen Angt Coaster Fan Poetry Symposium for Nobel-Winning Coaster Dudez.

"Where else can the world's greatest poets and novelists get together to share their beautiful words with each other in a mutually beneficial setting?" asked Kenzaburo Oe rhetorically. "We've had some beautiful sad poetry by Octavio Paz, who posts as Coaster Pimp. And then there are some gorgeous efforts from Joseph Brodsky (Disney Dan), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (cole), Elias Canetti (Xceleratorman14)and balroq, who I believe is Wole Soyinka."

"And we have something from Imre Kertesz (icoaster) that might win him another Nobel Prize," added Oe. "It's called my ultimate struggle, and it's all about the torture this character feels because he likes to jack it hard to porn."

"I almost wet my pants, that was so f***in' good," said Oe.

"However," said Oe. "We have some members who obviously think the poetry being traded on these Nobel coaster enthusiast forums is really stupid and pathetic. We've got some real jokers like Claude Simon (Alpenguy) and Seamus Heany (theirishdude05), who make up poems clearly intended to mock the weepy, amateur poetic efforts of their peers, as well as that wacky-ass prankster Naguib Mahfouz, who I am fairly certain is posting as seitanic, G-Rocks, aznspid3rman, enfynet, SFMWManic, and JulieBoolie just so he can write his special "read only the far left margin vertically" poetry all over page 1, page 2, page 3, and page 4, and poke fun the deeply profound and important works being regurgitated forth by the serious members of the Nobel forum, none of whom ever seem to get the joke."

"I would have thought that these great works of literature, being created from the depths of the human soul and experience, and being shared on this forum for peer evaluation by the great minds in the world of literature/coasters would be above this sort of behavior. But I guess these Nobel Laureates never change, do they?"

--JCK

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Paramount's Ride Survey Offers Tough Choices

For those lucky enough to take Paramount's new ride survey, a tough choice had been laid before them. Theme a ride around the highly popular television show and movie franchise "The Addams Family," known and loved by families across America, or around a mediocre heist movie with Markie Mark called the "Italian Job," known and loved by my gay friend George.

Paramount hopes to follow this survey with another which will ask parkgoers to choose between two brand new possible menu selections: a spicy chicken sandwich or a hot piece of dog sh*t.

--MOS

[Editor's Note: Perhaps fearing a taunting article from ARN&R, or, far more likely, just for reasons completely unrelated to us, Paramount has recently removed the actual survey from its website.]

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Rollercoaster! Magazine Introduces “Letters to Rollercoaster!

Rollercoaster! Magazine, the leading magazine for the self-aggrandizement of coaster enthusiasts nationwide, has introduced a new feature on the back page of every forthcoming issue that is sure to excite all of its subscribers. “Letters to Rollercoaster!” will feature the “real life” experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences. An advance mockup of the next issue has fallen into the hands of ARN&R, and we are happy to provide this titillating excerpt of the next issue’s feature:

Dear RollerCoaster!,

I never thought this could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. It all started when I was at SFMM on a sunny afternoon. I had my croakie, my fanny pack, and my drool hankie – I was set for an afternoon of riding! When approaching Superman The Escape, I saw a lot of upset guests walking in the opposite direction of the ride.

Being an ACE member, I walked past the posted signs that the ride was closed and demanded that a ride op tell me what was wrong. She looked me up and down, smiled a private smile, and said, “We’ve been waiting for you, Jeremy,” and proceeded to lead me to a completely empty train. She let me adjust the restraint myself and then started the ride, with just me on it!

When the ride was over, I thanked her and started to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked another ride op. “You’re not leaving here until you’ve ridden in EVERY SEAT of the train.” And then they rolled out a cart completely filled with barbecue pork! RollerCoaster!, I thought I had died and went to heaven. I rode alone on S:TE for hours, except when I was chowing down on the pork – that hanky really came in handy! None of my online friends at Westcoaster or Coasterbuzz believe me when I tell them this really happened, but I knew you would understand and print this letter.

Sincerely,

Jeremy L├╝gner
Reseda, CA

--MMS
RRC Newsgroup Participants Debate Existence of God, Homosexuality’s Place In Contemporary Society; Top Philosophers and Social Scientists Yet to Take Note

For reasons beyond the understanding of this reporter, top social scientists, politicians and philosophers have yet to take note of two recent threads posted on the roller coaster enthusiast newsgroup RRC.

The first, about 12 threads long, concerns a group of enthusiasts heatedly discussing the existence of God, while the second is a suggestively hot 287-thread-long discussion on protections for homosexuals in society and, in a larger sense, whether this behavior should be accepted and/or embraced.

In spite of the clear earnestness and seriousness of the participants involved with both of these discussions, top scholars have yet to take note of these debates at press time. Particularly puzzling is the lack of comment from major medical researchers on the groundbreaking theory posited by top RRC scholars that you "can pretty much get AIDS from just breathing the air in the same county as someone else who has AIDS."

"There hasn't been a debate that cuts to the core of such large and complex issues like this since the great "I Think Therefore I Am" debate in summer 1999 on rec.fan.gary-coleman" said noted internet observer Douglas Copeland. "I think it's just a matter of time before the big boys notice the obvious intelligence and quality of these discussions."

Some of the more notable philosophers and social scientists offering their incisive opinions in the thread, "AirtimeJunkie," "Rastus O'Ginga," and "Dead and Restless," were unavailable as of press time to comment.

--MOS

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

"Rider Error" Controversially Blamed for Inability to Fit in PTC Train

In a move that enthusiasts have called "totally unfair," investigators and park management are attributing Jim Swanson's inability to fit on Cedar Point's Blue Streak to "rider error."

"Too many pork rinds, cheese-on-a-sticks, and Super Sized McDonalds Value Meals have made this man simply too large for our parks' trains," said Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel. "I can only attribute this to the rider's error due to his willful insistence to continually jeopardize his health and his weight with his gluttonous eating habits."

Local enthusiasts venomously disagreed, citing the seat dividers on the PTC trains for Swanson's difficulties.

"Those seat dividers suck ass! Parks need to accomodate for guests of larger stature," said local enthusiast Mitchell Simons. "To state that this obvious accident is the fault of the rider is not only irresponsible corporate policy but also insensitive and hurtful to the riders' feelings."

"Now, that chick that got beamed in the head with the rock at Worlds of Adventure? That
was rider error. That dumb bitch should have ducked."

--MOS

Monday, January 26, 2004

We're...Um...Flattered?

We were recently made aware of a very unusual website called the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000. Run by a Miss Brittany Lynn Swanson, this site appears to be a fan site about...well... us! (????)

After viewing this site, we can't think of too much to say, except:

"Damn."

After you tour through the front page's eye-mangling colors, perky language, confusing layout, bad MIDI file of "Baby One More Time," and some entertaining polls, be sure to explore the rest of the website in detail. Among the features of note are Brittany's own fanfic (sometimes spelled as "fanfuc"), the evocatively titled "Hosted ARN&R FanFic From Other People Besides Brittany," featuring a wide array of stories and poetry (our early favorite: "The Special Present From Shenji to Asuka"), a stunning photo exhibit, and more than enough other wacky pages to provide hours of giggles and knee slaps.

However, readers are hereby warned to be on guard against punishing color schemes, terrible music, and Miss Swanson's inability to delete the default headings on many of her pages.

Oh, and don't forget to browse Miss Swanson's always-hysterical forums. If you promise not to tell on us, we'll let you in on the little secret that Miss Swanson does not require you to register before posting.

We're so deeply flattered and moved by the honor of having such a fabulous site written about us, we decided to grant our "bestest fan" Miss Swanson the special prize of being our Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, Miss Swanson!

--The ARN&R Staff

[Editor's Update: As seems to be the case with Tripod accounts we make fun of, our visitors to Brittany Lynn's site have managed to blow out her bandwidth allocation within mere minutes. Please be patient and try again if you can't get through. Trust us: it'll be worth the wait.]
Enthusiasts Loudly Declare Hatred For, Constantly Visit, CoasterBuzz

Direct from a confidential source, word has reached ARN&R that enthusiasts at various online forums enjoy ripping into Coasterbuzz, but secretly feed their hideous addiction to the site by also reading it and linking to it on a regular basis.

Participants at the Westcoaster forums were amongst those who succumbed to the dreaded affliction, as a post about an ARN&R article turned into a discussion of how sucky Coasterbuzz is, interspersed with numerous references to specific current discussion threads at the hated website. Westcoaster members are so apoplectic with rage over how much Coasterbuzz blows, they even link to Coasterbuzz discussions that started on that very day.

Said one Westcoaster participant, "I loathe and despise Coasterbuzz. That's why I read it daily and quote from it liberally when I trash it on other forums."

Sadly, the affliction of Coasterbuzzitis was not limited to Westcoaster, but was felt in Theme Park Critic, as well. There, forum participants caught on to a rec.roller-coaster discussion of the same ARN&R article, as well as some anti-Coasterbuzz comments, and then began a discussion themselves of how much CB licks it. But, showing a more virulent strain of the condition, TPC members apparently did not stop at mentioning hatred of Coasterbuzz while talking about current forum topics there. No, they decided to go flame CB and actually participate in the CB forums in order to get attention from the website they so loathe.

"I hate Coasterbuzz so bad," said Mr. Govnoed of TPC. "I hate it so bad, in fact, that I'm going to talk about how useless CB is and how much CB sucks ass, and then I'm going to waste a substantial percentage of my free time posting things at Coasterbuzz and then bragging about it at TPC! Take that, Coasterbuzz!"

"We call this behavior 'The Ring Syndrome,'" says noted psychologist Dr. Dan Gandalf. "These forum participants both love and hate Coasterbuzz. It is their... precious."

--JCK (With Assistance From the ARN&R Supreme Commander for All Eternity and Editor in Chief)

[Editor's Note: For the original Coasterbuzz-themed article that started all this discussion on three different forums, see here. We better keep a watch on that MOS; he's already causing as much trouble as JCK.]

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Really Dumb Birds Put Stop to Santa Cruz Ride

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk has been denied permission to build a proposed S&S Double Shot ride. City planners tell ARN&R that they cannot allow the ride "because the birds in Santa Cruz are really f***ing stupid."

Jack Ellwanker, a major critic of the addition of the ride and member of the Very Special Pelicans Network, spoke further about the matter with ARN&R:

This would be a travesty. Many people think it's pretty dumb to have the park blocked from building a new ride based on the assertion that endangered birds would whack into it and kill themselves. These people think the birds manage not to crash into buildings, telephone polls, trees, and statues, and therefore there is little danger posed by this new attraction. However, people don't realize that our birds here in California are really amazingly stupid creatures. They're f***ing idiots. They have the brain power of George W. Bush and Britney Spears's love child. It's quite likely that they'll be flapping along, staring at the pretty grass or picking their noses, and they won't notice the gargantuan, brightly lit and painted tower in front of them, and then they'll splatter all over it. We must protect our unbelievably stupid birds from their own imbecility!

Numerous ornithological experts were unable to tell ARN&R why Californian birds are so much stupider than those from the rest of the United States, but one speculated that "any state with people moronic enough to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger to anything would probably have some dumbass animals, too."

--JCK

Friday, January 23, 2004

Local Coaster Enthusiast Strongly Recommends Single Ridership to Others Without Hint Of Irony; Sorrow

Academics report that local enthusiast Brian Yourvey offered this advice yesterday in response to a group of acquaintances complaining about long lines for "Batman the Ride" at Six Flags Great America:

"The problem is you're probably waiting on lines the wrong way. What's great about being a single rider is this: Wait in the line for the second car. Within one or two trains there will be a group of three and you can jump right on with them! No half hour extra wait for the front! Of course, if you are riding with other people you're out of luck," concluded a non-ironic Yourvey.

"Brian's use of the terms 'what's great about being a single rider' and defining people with actual friends as being 'out of luck' suggests to me an absolute lack of awareness of the utter pathos of his situation," reports noted sociologist Douglas Mahoney at Northern Illinois University, who has been surreptitiously following Yourvey for several months and plans to publish a book on Yourvey's approach to life.

"The obvious merits of experiencing an amusement ride with other humans seems lost on him. The camaraderie, the ability to talk to someone later about the ride experience, and the simple comfort of knowing the person next to you is not a complete stranger are advantages that seem completely lost on him, aside from his stunning inability to recognize that others might correctly view his situation as pathetic when later discussing his advice -- which, I note, was completely unrequested. I must strongly advise that Brian pursue sunlight outside of an amusement park, social gatherings, and regular bathing soon before it's too late."

The 35 year old Yourvey was unable for comment or to hear Mahoney's advice, however, due to currently being locked in his bedroom at his parents' house where, for the third consecutive day, he has been exploring the "Time Twister" add on pack for RCT2.

--MOS

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Big Chief's Announces New Ride, Promises Same Old Terrifyingly Crappy Operations, Facilities

Wisconsin Dells-based go-kart and coaster facility Big Chief's announced this week that a new coaster -- "the tallest in the [ill-defined] midwest" -- would open in 2005. Land clearing has indeed begun, as an intrepid ARN&R reporter confirmed, irritating his family to no end.

But Big Chief (now to be called, in a remarkable bit of cultural dissonance, Big Chief Mt. Olympus Theme Park) assured its fans that adding the coaster wouldn't affect its commitment to safety and customer service: "We guarantee that we will continue to provide operations right up there with the scariest Kentucky county fair you can imagine and will continue to treat you like a small piece of dog crap."

Sources indicate that the park will continue to prominently display "NO INSURANCE - RIDE AT YOUR OWN RISK" signs, inspect seatbelts for wear and tear no more than once every two years, hire only employees rejected as lacking the interpersonal skills to work in a sewage line, and check riders' restraints only if a rider is, in fact, standing on his head in the train.

Additionally, the park will be working hard to cover any remaining land -- whether presently covered with grass or dirt -- with blacktop. "In an innvoation," said a park spokesman, "we'll actually be putting heating elements directly into the blacktop, so that even when it's not blazingly hot outside, our patrons will still be sweating up a storm everywhere in the park."

There is no word yet on whether Big Chief will follow Six Flags's lead and begin covering its restrooms with feces and urine.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Jackson Purchases Another New Ride

Still smarting from the hurt and bad feelings caused by his arrest for child molestation, Michael Jackson has again retreated to the simple childlike wonders of themed amusements.

As his personal life has unraveled, Jackson has relaxed at his Neverland Park by having children ride his Zipper and by purchasing a large package of new rides, and even stepped out of his property to surrender his passport and visit Pixyland. And Jackson couldn't stay out of the limelight for long, as he unveiled the exciting new attraction just added this week to Neverland.

"What?" asked Jackson, beginning to cry as reporters laughed so hard they began coughing up portions of their spleens. "It's very innocent and sweet. The children love to ride Donald Duck, and he's just turning around his head to help share pleasure with them. You're making me very upset and you are bad, evil people."

As with all other rides at Neverland, the new Donald Duck attraction will be free for any child who spends the night in King of Pop's bedroom.

--JCK (with Special Information-Locating Consultant DEC)
Welcome Armpit Stain Fans!

So sorry we don't have any of those hot armpit stain images you've been desperately cruising the web for, but please come enjoy some cruel satire of roller coaster enthusiasts anyway! It's basically the same thing, after all!

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Six Flags Great Adventure Rumored to be Building Ride "Bigger Than Dragster" in 2006, Says Guy Who Worked at Casa de Taco Stand Two Years Ago

Screamscape is reporting, in what is believed to be an exclusive, that Great Adventure will be building a launched roller coaster ride that is even larger then Top Thrill Dragster "sometime in, like 2006."

Screamscape's source, believed to be very reliable, is "that fat guy who worked at Casa de Taco like, 2 years ago." The fat guy, who will remain unnamed, claims that Great Adventure has had these plans for some time, that the coaster will be "like, totally 500 feet tall," will "like go underground and underwater and s**t," and "be so f***ing cool."

--MOS

[Author's Note: Make sure to check Screamscape for more updates from reliable sources like the Casa de Taco dude and "that really hot Polish chick that used to work at the Cedar Point Hot Dog stand."]



Monday, January 19, 2004

It's That Time Again

It was tough to come up with a Site O' the Weak this time around, not because we've run out of ideas, but because there were just so many worthy candidates, we couldn't decide. We thought about using the amazingly stupid Coasterbuzz topic "Airtime is Overrated," but it's a little older and not so fresh. Then we were going to use the "How to Get Laid" forum discussion at AmericaCoasters, not because the original post is dumb--it's actually quite funny, and intentionally so--but because the ensuing conversation is so awful, and because numerous participants didn't seem to pick up on the fact that the topic was a joke from the start. Don't be so gullible, McFly.

But this topic was bounced at the absolute last minute by the awesome power of the Coasterdebates website. Although it appears to the untrained eye that this site has nothing whatsoever on it, the trained eye was able to locate a forum topic where the administrator closed the topic after being the only one to post! Just because it was fun!

Coasterdebates may only have one person posting anything, but it's already won a major award! The ARN&R Site O' the Weak!

--JCK
Six Flags Tijuana Bows to Special Interest Pressure, Drops Latest Controversial Entertainment "The Wild West Donkey Show"

Facing mounting pressure and threatened organized consumer boycotts from groups as diverse as the American Family Association, the National Organization of Women, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Six Flags Corporation has agreed to discontinue its newly premiered entertainment and variety special titled "The Wild West Donkey Show."

The show, which opened last month in the "Freaky Frontier" section of the park, featured a variety of singers and dancers performing "classic Tijuana songs and dances" culminating with what one SFT representative called "that most ancient of all forms of traditional Tijuana entertainment, the donkey show."

Kieran Burke, Chairman of Six Flags, stated in a press release "Six Flags regrets to announce the closing of the Wild West Donkey Show. Though Six Flags remains dedicated to providing quality entertainment tailored to each region in which our individual parks reside, we also respect the continued consumer participation of large special interest political groups."

The show will run through the end of the month at the Frontier Backalley Saloon, which is situated behind the Premier LIM Shuttle "Penicillin Shot" and to the left of SFT's highly themed S&S Space Shot, the "Big Boner."

--MOS

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace Shut Down

Much to the anti-delight of billions of amusement industry fans (well, at least those of us at ARN&R; we can't speak for anyone else), Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was closed down late this week.

The Palace was opened on January 5th, and was cleverly disguised as a Coasterbuzz topic titled "Park Enthusiasts or Snobs?" Initially the forum topic was primarily a bunch of people whining and pointing fingers and saying they don't like other enthusiasts, or they are better enthusiasts than other people, or someone's opinion sucks. The usual boring stuff. Plus a bizarre extended discussion of drinks, for some reason. But then the S&M Palace kicked into high gear.

"I've been enjoying tormenting stupid people for years," 'Playa informed ARN&R. But it never occurred to me that I could make a fortune doing it. People should know by now not to f*** with me, but in this stupid topic they kept coming, one right after the other, to get some punishment. I finally figured it out...they actually like getting pimp-slapped! The only explanation for why they keep lining up is that they enjoy being humiliated. It arouses them. That's why I opened my club, so these poor saps could pay me their hard-earned cash and I could torture them. And then I could also charge sadists to watch it all and laugh their asses off. Everyone was happy."

"Especially me," added the 'Playa.

The first masochist to enter the hallowed halls of Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was dexter, who received a thorough and painful whipping from Coastapalya's own paddle. And then he got some more. And he even came back for thirds. "The electrified nipple clips were almost more than the poor boy could take," added 'Playa. "But not quite."

Following the positive experience of the Palace's opening client, dozens of enthusiasts cheerfully lined up for their torture at the hands of 'Playa. Among the sad fools who queued up to have their egos flensed were booya (over and over) and dexter (again), Nitro Dave and booya (even more), and Nitro Dave (again) and dexter (yet again!). Aside from the verbal abuse each idiot received, 'Playa's hand-picked, leather-clad Minions of Agony would ball-gag each enthusiast, then proceed to whip him, beat him, and inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no good.

Particularly naughty enthusiasts would also be selected for Apollo Andy's Charity Dunking Booth, a feature later added by popular request.

Sadly, coaster forum authorities, acting in consultation with Coasterbuzz moderator Jeff Putz, made the decision to close the topic after ten amazing pages. "Sadism, masochism, and bondage are not things I want Coasterbuzz to be associated with," said Putz. "Those are some twisted, sick f***s. What's next? Group sex? Bestiality? Requests for threesomes?"

Coastaplaya was reflective after his S&M Palace was shut down. "It was fun while it lasted," he said, staring off into the clouds with a faraway look upon his face. "Lots of fun, lots of cash. Sure, I'm upset that the thing was shut down by the police. But I'm smart enough to get an S&M club going in another topic almost any time I feel like it. If enthusiasts are going to be jumping up and down, raising their hands and going 'Oooh! Ooooh! 'Playa thwacked me mercilessly, too! Don't forget about me!' I'm pretty sure business will be brisk next time, too.

"Or," he added, "I might just leave all this S&M stuff behind and open a restaurant. We can invite some Putz stalkers and have Pancake Day. That might be fun."

--JCK

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Insignificant Item Goes Missing, Enthusiasts Soil Pants

Millions of coaster enthusiasts have soiled their pants with terror and worry the past week, as news slipped out that the Six Flags Great America Demon has had three stupid f***ing flag poles removed from its lift hill.

"This is the first time I've explosively evacuated my bowels into my undies since at least eleventh grade," stated a visibly upset Steven Horner, 19. "I will have this day burned into my eyes, and sphincter, for decades. I was driving along the interstate past Six Flags Great America, admiring the gorgeous view of a respendent, shining, headbanging Demon, when....then I noticed something was wrong....Oh God! How could this be? There were....there were....flag poles missing from the lift hill! Oh, the humanity." Horner then began sobbing violently.

"I only learned about this national tragedy today at rec.roller-coaster," stated Arthur Wiggenbottoms, 48. "I have been through six pairs of panties in just a few hours. I'll be sitting there, and all of a sudden...WHAM...I'll get nervous thinking about those poor flag poles and what the park could possibly be doing with them and I'll just urinate all over myself. I'm ashamed, but the park should be more ashamed of what they've done to the American way of life by removing those flag poles."

He added, "oops, I just got worried about those beautiful, important flag poles again. Excuse me." He then walked funny in the general direction of his bathroom.

"Who wouldn't feel terrified knowing that a major theme park has taken down some flag poles?" asked Peter Wolf, 14. "This is very important and troubling stuff. It made me so upset that this park could betray us in this manner that I squeezed my lemon so the juice ran down my legs, if you catch me drift. But that only relaxed me for a few minutes, and then I was uncomfortable and worried again. Plus my pants were covered in my love batter."

A Six Flags Great America spokesperson issued a statement that claimed the park would "not be holding a press conference to discuss why we took down three stupid f***ing flag poles" and added that enthusiasts "really just need get laid or something."

--JCK

Friday, January 16, 2004

Symposium Lineup Released for NoCoaster Event

(Willowbrook, IL) The final schedule for lectures and events for ACE’s 25th annual NoCoaster event has been finalized. The esteemed list of speakers includes friend of ARN&R Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III, who will be delivering the keynote presentation. Based on his latest research findings on the social life of Coaster Enthusiasts, Rittenhouse Arumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III will be presenting new research reported first right here at ARN&R that should give lonely enthusiasts, if not lonely coasters, hope for a fulfilling relationship.

While speakers may change, ARN&R has obtained from a source deep within ACE the list of Enthusiast-Development workshops being offered:

Sunday, 9:00 AM -9:45 AM
Salon I - Going Light On The Gravy: An Enthusiast's Guide to Smorgasbord Etiquette
Salon II - The Truth About Airtime, Or Your Ass Was Not More Than An Inch Off The Seat

Sunday, 10:00 AM – 11:15 AM
Salon I - Queer Eye For The Enthusiast Guy - How To Accessorize Your XXL Coaster Shirts – with Special Guest Carson from QEFTSG!
Salon II - Coming to Grips With Three or More Clicks

Sunday, 2:00 PM – 3:15 PM
Salon I - Sensitivity Training for ACE Officers – Private Session
Salon II - Skirting copyrights to enhance your coaster video.

ACE officials are positive that enthusiasts will be enriched and entertained between mouthfuls of whatever is placed in front of them.

--MMS (with data and panflute solo provided courtesy of MJS)
BORG: The Day Imposed

We are the BORG. We have overtaken this website. We will combine the uniqueness of this site with ourselves. As we have assimilated a feeble, used Vekoma roller coaster and rethemed it as BORG Assimilator at Paramount's Carowinds, today is declared BORG: The Day. Observe breaking news about BORG and related projects over toward your left throughout the day. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Scientific Researchers: "Riding Roller Coasters Gives You Beer Goggles"

According to an actual published scientific article, roller coaster riding gives you beer goggles. Or, in scientific mumbo-jumbo, you undergo some "roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer."

The paper, written by psychologists Meston and Frohlich at the University of Texas-Austin, is titled "Love at first fright: partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer," and is readily available in abstract form at Pubmed.

According to the research team, numerous amusement park patrons were approached as they were getting on or exiting a roller coaster. Quoting the abstract directly:

Participants were shown a photograph of an average attractive, opposite-gendered individual and asked to rate the individual on attractiveness and dating desirability. Participants were also asked to rate their seatmates' levels of attractiveness. Consistent with the predictions of excitation transfer theory, for males and females riding with a nonromantic partner, ratings of attractiveness and dating desirability toward the photographed individual were higher among persons exiting than entering the ride.

"This is good news for coaster enthusiasts the world over," stated American Coaster Enthusiasts Special Secretary in Charge of Insulting ACE Members and Assuring Them Their Opinions are Quite Unimportant Jeff Seifert. "We all know that it's basically impossible for these drooling herds of idiots to actually hook up and score with anyone.

"This study shows us that all any coaster enthusiast needs to do is shovel that bag of fried Oreos down the hatch, belch, fart, pull those black dress socks out of the flip-flops, and just grab a seat next to any random nubile babe or hunk of manbeef. No matter how horrifically unattractive the enthusiast is, as long as he or she drools on him or herself and assaults their seatmate with useless banter about sad, poor, lonely coasters after the coaster ride is complete, not before, they are almost certain to get themselves some trim."

--JCK/VMA

[Author's Note: Who would have thought that the Pubmed website would be a veritable treasure trove of amusement value? But it is! In addition to the actual article quoted above, a brief search revealed 53 hits for "wanker," an article with authors named "Cock" and "Shanks," another article which seems to strongly imply that beavers prefer sticks that are moist, and one last one with a title a little too nasty to include in our pristine, child-friendly pages.]
SFGAdv's Pendulum Departure Boosts Career of Montreal Expos Outfielder

Tim Black, the eccentric General Manager holding the reins behind Six Flags Great Adventure, is widely known for his lucrative business deals that don't really, technically speaking, create any value for the company's stockholders. Known better as Great Adventure's "Crazy Uncle Who No One Invites to Dinner," Tim Black is continuing his trend of trading away his newly purchased flat-rides for small, insignificant objects, and this time Pendulum (a Huss Frisbee) is the one on the line.

Pendulum, which operated next to Great Adventure's popular LIM-launched coaster, Batman and Robin: The Chiller (which doesn't operate all that often next to Pendulum), was one of the several new flat-rides installed for the 1999 season. Still in its teething years, Pendulum just finished being disassembled and packaged for freight transport across the border. According to reliable sources, Tim Black traded the Huss flat in exchange for a near-mint Matt Cepicky baseball card with a 10-year-old Mexican boy in a transaction conducted entirely in a suburban New Jersey McDonald's restroom.

Regarding comitting a business deal with a child, Black insists that the boy made an offer he couldn't refuse, especially under the pretenses of the negotiation. "He was a fast talker. I wasn't too sure what he was saying since I mostly slept through Spanish in high school, but I could tell that he knew the score. Like most boys his age, I knew he went into that McDonald's bathroom with the intent of leaving with ownership of a Huss Frisbee." As for his half of the deal, Black reports that he is "quite pleased with the baseball card" and that he has "been meaning to start collecting those things."

Matt Cepicky, the Montreal Expos outfielder whose baseball card was involved in this bathroom transaction, says that this is the sort of thing that is going to give his career a kick in the right direction: towards the field. Matt hopes that the spread of his baseball card will give his bosses the incentive to allow him to play a few games in the 2004 season. Matt says that "this is the sort of thing that can make a guy a hall-of-famer."

Manual Ortega, the 10-year-old-boy who traded away his baseball card to Tim Black, plans to properly staff the ride in his backyard with operators and maintence personel.

Ortega is being considered to replace Black as Great Adventure's General Manager for the 2004 season.

--DLS

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Welcome to Our Planet, Brian Ramsey!

From the "What the hell was that about?" category comes this e-mail, from one Brian Ramsey at a UK e-mail address:

WE ARE MOST UPSET BY THE USE O9F [sic] OUR FAMOUS BAND'S NAME THIS E MAIL CARRIES A LARGE PEICE [sic] OF OUR DRUMMERS [sic] NASAL DROPINGS [sic] WHICH WILL CLOG YOUR CHIP ANS [sic] NOT YOUR FISH.

Well, ah, em, er. If had any idea what your band's name was, or really if we had any idea what the hell you were talking about, we would...well, we'd probably make fun of you anyway, if for nothing else for that "nasal dropings" thing. But as it is, we'll just shrug and say, in a loud and clear voice: Huh?
These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For

Once in a while, we get to browsing our logbooks here at ARN&R, and we're generally perplexed with the weird internet searches through which people locate our humble amusement park satire. Amongst the thousands (you think we're kidding, don't you?) of requests for information about Paris Hilton and her various skanky activities, as well as the ever-present quest for information on Jessica Alba belching, we've lately noticed these bizarre searches:

Star Jones Stomach Staple

Eeeeewwwwwwww!

Kyan Douglas Jersey

This just seems odd. Does Bravo Network make jerseys bearing a team name or number for any of the Queer Eye stars? It seems unlikely, since they tend to trash any sports apparel they find in the homes of the guys they make over. In any case, we're sorry to report that we do not carry any Kyan Douglas-themed products. However, we do have a lovely ARN&R Trucker Cap and Beast Thong amongst our Winter line of products at the ARN&R Online Shoppe.

Halle Barre in Boxing Outfit

If you're going to have a fetish, it might as well be specific...

Hazing Details and Pictures

Aw, s**t. Did some frat boy jackass find our site by accident? Sorry, this webpage is not a primer for how you can be a more successful date-rapist, get your penis branded with a coat hanger, commit noise ordinance violations, or piss off the roof of your frat house on people. Go away.

--JCK

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Coasterbuzz to Add Three More Popup Windows to Total Six Windows Every Click, Announces New Partnership With Kazaa, Cydoor

Coasterbuzz, a website already much maligned for its 3+ popup windows on every click of a link, has announced that it will soon be adding three more popup windows per click. In addition, Coasterbuzz will begin running ActiveX controls within two of the windows that will automatically install Cydoor and the Kazaa Media Desktop Manager on the user's machine.

"Look, doing this website isn't free; we generate a lot of traffic," said owner Jeff Putz when reached for comment. "If someone wants to 'Opt Out,’ they can do so by paying me. In cold hard cash. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. BOOYAH!"

Putz received additional criticism for creating the new popups approximately one month before he announced he was doing so, thereby infecting approximately 22,000 computers with the Cydoor spyware trojan without their awareness.

"Look," Putz declared, "if they are coming to my site and not paying me money, they deserve whatever inconveniences they get. These leeches just take and take; they don't understand how much hard work it is for me to take five minutes out of my day to take a three-sentence blurb out of my Google News Alerts. It's really hard work that I deserve to be well compensated for."

Putz then added that anyone who complained about the spyware, or offered any information on how to remove it or to block popups on the Coaterbuzz forums would be immediately banned and the thread deleted.

Putz concluded by stating, "It's about time that these parasites learn that my site is not about them or their opinions or their computers not having spyware, it is about me, my opinions, and my need to make my site about as annoying and frustrating to navigate as a gay fetish porno site. Understood? Good! Thread closed!"

--MOS
Prepare to be Disturbed

When we introduced our new Site O' the Weak feature a few months back, we initially conceived of the idea as a helpful way to direct amusement park fans to "the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we can find." Ever since that first one, which made reference to an idiotic discussion where some bozo claims a lapbar isn't enough to hold you in a coaster seat, we've always used an actual terrible website, rather than a forum topic, as our Site O' the Weak.

However, we never made any specific rule that states that we can't use a particularly wretched forum discussion as the SOW. And, this week, we have located just such a forum discussion. At the Great Adventure Source Forum, the boys have a poll going about whether they would rather screw Sigourney Weaver in Alien or the Alien in Alien. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

By the way, the Alien is, as of this writing, kicking Sigourney's ass with 85.71% of the vote. Sigourney is not exactly likely to knock Jessica Alba and Katie Holmes out of the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub or anything, but come on.

If this isn't the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we could find, we don't know what is. Actually, it might be the greatest waste of web space, period. We proudly link to it as our Site O' the Weak.

By the way, the award goes specifically to the forum topic. We were far too lazy to bother checking out the rest of the site, so we can't confirm whether it is filled with majestic splendor or whether it stinks. We'd appreciate it if someone could email us and let us know. Thanks!

--JCK

Monday, January 12, 2004

Six Flags Great America Gets Spinning Coaster; Six Flags Elitch Gardens Gets Halfpipe Coaster; Six Flags Astroworld Gets New Paint and Socks

While capital spending is down throughout Six Flags properties, Six Flags Inc. is showing a continued commitment to growth and rewarding parks that perform with additional investments.

Nowhere is that commitment more evident than in three purchases: a Reverchon spinning mouse coaster for Six Flags Great America, an Intamin "halfpipe" coaster -- the first in North America -- for Six Flags Elitch Gardens, and several gallons of new paint and up to a dozen new pairs of socks for Six Flags Astroworld.

Insiders at the Houston park are beside themselves with glee. "You know, after getting that great coaster last year we didn't think we could ever do better," said a highly-placed source on the condition of anonymity. "But this freakin' rules! The reason nobody likes Batman: The Escape has nothing to do with it being a short and boring ride with transitions like Plan Nine from Outer Space -- nope, that's not it. It's because it needs new paint! And our socks have really been getting old, and these new ones are nice -- 100% cotton, a variety of patterns, good and thick."

Despite the source's enthusiasm for the socks, other sources indicate that the park chain has not yet made a final determination on the makeup or design of the socks, and that in fact up to sixty percent of the socks may be made of polyester.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

ARN&R Now Available in Shizzle-Vision

Due to an exclusive partnership with Snoop Dogg: Tha Shizzalator, ARN&R is proud to announce that we are now available in Shizzle-Vision. Please have a look at our front page in this exciting new bonus format! (Just type in "absolutelyreliable.com" and Shizzolate! It's that easy!) And all of this comes free to you, our loyal subscriber, at no extra cost!
Bush Confident U.S. Forces Will Locate Weapon

United States Dictator for All Eternity George W. Bush announced today that U.S. Forces, or perhaps Coalition troops from Trinidad & Tobago or Palau or Macedonia, would definitely be uncovering secret Iraqi weapons any second now.

"We have very creditable evidences that there are indeed a weapon, and that the Iraqis were planning on to using them and that we will have them real soon like so it was real good we stopped them," Bush babbled to reporters.

"We have very strong proof that Iraq had developed a launched, inverting bobsled coaster," said Bush, picking his nose. "The development of this weapon for use in the worldwide coaster wars would have endangered the freedom-loving peoples of Iraq and of our great nation and our coaster manufracturating firms, and it had to be stopped. We just need to find this prototype which definitely exists but we just have not founded it yet but it's really there. Another seventeen years over there and I'm totally sure we'll locate it. Or plant one of our own, if we need to."

Bush also added that he had received "really accurate and not at all made-up" reports from "some dude" that indicate the U.S. may need to invade Russia to locate and destroy a wood coaster that jumps over spaces in the tracks, Finland to eliminate the threat posed by a launched backward stand-up coaster, and Utah to "stop the potential coaster war danger posed by that awesome twenty-year-old, never-purchased Arrow Pipeline prototype they always love to show in the coaster specials on TV."

--JCK

Friday, January 09, 2004

ARN&R Staffer Photographed in the Wild

Stunning developments took place in the amusement world today, as an intrepid amusement industry fan captured photographic evidence of an ARN&R editor in its natural environment.


The Rare and Elusive Quarry Finally Caught on Film

"This is absolutely stunning," said the photographer. "Capturing an ARN&R writer or editor in the wild is a combination of great reaction time, photographic skill, and, yes, tremendous luck. It all came together for me. This is as momentous an event as getting a clean picture of Sasquatch, or a Yeti, or even Nessie."

The photographer was briefly flustered by the news that hundreds of enthusiasts have taken pictures of the Loch Ness Monster, and many pictures of the legendary beast have found their way into books, magazines, and masturbatory coaster enthusiast websites.

"Well. Be that as it may," he stammered, before regaining his composure.

The photograph clearly shows the ARN&R Assistant Editor (generally referred to by the enthusiast community as the "Ass Editor" for both its caustic attitude and its obsession with articles about bodily functions) in its natural working conditions. National geekery experts concur with the assumption that the Assistant Editor is "a really huge nerd."

"I was pretty lucky," said the photographer. "I'd have been in big trouble if that editor was defending its cubs!"

--JCK
Attractive Young ACE Chick Confused by Lack of Dates

Chicago IL - American Coaster Enthusiast Melinda Sumner, whom experts claim is a strikingly beautiful, petite 23-year-old blonde and Republican Party member, has recently gone public with a terrible quandary.

Melinda, since she was a child, has had a love for roller coasters. She stated in a recent interview, "I joined ACE 2 years ago to get more opportunities to see and ride more roller coasters. After I graduated college cum laude with a degree in biology, I decided I wanted to try and meet men with the same interests as me. Quite frankly, I didn't like the frat guys and I was quite turned off by men who were into biology too; I mean, come on, it's what I do all day. I don't want to deal with it outside of work. So I joined ACE hoping to meet a man to share my weekend enjoyment by romantically holding hands on classic wooden roller coasters.”

At this point in the interview, the beautiful and quite...um...built Melinda broke down into tears, prompting the interviewer to hold and comfort her, um, sorrow. After calming down, she continued.

"I never, never would have thought that I would have a problem finding a nice, good-looking man who shared my love of roller coasters. I am downright depressed that most of the men I have met are members of the dreaded ‘Phoenix Fairies’ or show less interest in me than Michael Jackson at a female strip club. If it is not bad enough that these guys don't seem to appreciate all my 120 pounds of toned 23-year-old body have to offer, the ones that do look at me are over 350 pounds and are always eating. They eat at food stands, in line, and I even saw one walk into a bathroom with a gravy-laden cheesesteak. Come on, how can you eat anything, let alone gravy covered products, in a bathroom, let alone at a Six Flags?? Plus they tend to wander around by themselves mumbling something that sounds like 'wood, I have wood, wood meet wood.’ It really freaks me out.”

She continued: “Most of the good-looking ACE guys seem too interested in themselves or each other. And they constantly bitch about how the feng shui of the rides’ color schemes is off or that their product isn’t sufficiently keeping their hair in place on Twister. I don't get it.”

Unfortunately, Melinda claims to have grown frustrated with not finding a man interested in both her and roller coasters. She has decided the best ride she will ever get was on a cool evening after a hot summer day on the Phoenix. After Phoenix Phall Phunfest she explored the Coal Hole Bar in Shamokin PA, "primarily looking for a mostly-toothed straight man who is not obsessed with the term 'all you can eat.'”

--EJB

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Emeril's Not So Tasty the Second Time

The culinary delicacies of Emeril's at Universal Citywalk in Orlando leave something to be desired on their second tasting, claims Wade Billick, 26.

Billick ate lunch at the upscale restaurant, located a short walk from the Islands of Adventure theme park, on Tuesday. After lunch, he walked into the amusement park and commenced riding several different attractions.

"I personally feel Emeril's is highly overrated as a restaurant," said Billick. "Initially, I confess I was pleased. I had a tasty rock shrimp-stuffed snapper in butter sauce and stuffed morels with crawfish. And I sampled some of [my boyfriend] Steve's pan-seared squab with orange-cranberry chutney. Very tasty. Plenty to eat, and some unusual flavors. It did indeed seem to be kicked up to notches unknown to mankind."

Billick's positive first reaction changed after he entered the park, however. "Steve and I went straight for Hulk," he said. "There wasn't much of a line, so we rode that like 10 times in a row, then we did the Fire Dragon six or seven times, and then we had an informal takeover of the Storm Force Acceletron. I bet we were on that sucker for almost 30 minutes straight, whipping around in little circles over and over again. It was around that point that I realized Emeril's wasn't treating me too well."

According to Billick, "my previous good feelings of the restaurant evaporated as soon as I started violently evacuating all the contents of my stomach onto the pavement and benches, accompanying the purge with tremendous squooshing sounds and plenty of retching. I must say that the rock shrimp-stuffed snapper in butter sauce certainly did not have a remotely pleasant flavor by this point, and the stuffed morels would definitely have benefitted from not being coated in gallons of my own fetid bile."

He added, "that squab also failed to impress, as it left a greasy residue and not-so-fresh aroma on its way from my gullet to the tops of Steve's shoes."

"Save your money and skip Emeril's," added Billick. "If you're going to be tasting voluminous piles of semi-digested food as they spray back out your throat, you might as well have it be Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville. That way the stuff spurting out has essentially the same flavor and consistency as anything you consume in the first place, so you won't be disappointed when the food slips so much in quality the second time around, like at Emeril's."

--JCK

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Six Flags Announces Major Customer Service Initiative to Stop Urinating and Defecating on Guests

After nearly a decade of massive capital investments that many said ignored the "little things" that keep customers happy and coming back, Six Flags Inc. announced yesterday a major new effort for the 2004 season.

Outgoing president Gary Story shared the plan in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "After several years of extensive market research, we have determined that our guests tend not to return to our parks when our employees defecate and urinate on them. To a lesser extent, they object to us spitting on them, and to the intentional placement of various bodily fluids on their food, but the direct defecation and urination is really quite key, especially when aimed at their faces." At this point, Story and an intern performed an elaborate pantomime of an employee throwing and a customer being covered in urine and feces.

"Thus, we've taken what is, we believe, an unprecedented step in customer service and committed to reducing that defecation and urination by at least fifty percent in target parks in 2004, with additional reductions in following years. Ultimately, we'll expand the program to all of our parks, except for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."

Reports indicate that the pro-defecation and pro-urination policy was started after a renegade market researcher suggested that customers desired to be showered in human waste and nobody questioned or checked his work. "We have been directing our employees for nearly eight years to create as filthy an environment as possible, even encouraging them to bring in dirty diapers from neighborhood children when available," said Story. "Well, no more! Except in Kentucky! (Where our research indicates the customers expect and want it.)"

In related news, Holiday World and Knoebel's employees are expecting to be even more unbelievably pleasant in 2004.
Could You Please Turn Down the Volume on That Website?

We've got a new gem for your perusal: the Awesome Coasters Website. Just be sure to lower the blast shield on your helmet before clicking the link. You'll enjoy the eye-scalding color scheme much more with some facial protection. Be sure to scroll through the entire website for helpful hints, lots of alleged links that don't link anywhere, and some good old-fashioned retinal trauma.

Link up with Awesome Coasters, the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Monday, January 05, 2004

A Christmas Message to the Poor: Suck On It

ARN&R Guest Column by Tim Jenson, President Emeritus of the Greater Cleveland Coaster Fanatics

I am so damn tired about being lectured about giving to the "poor and less fortunate" over the Christmas season. You know what? I work for a living and I don't need others telling me that I need to spend my hard-earned money on people that don't have heat or children digging their Christmas dinners out of dumpsters. Hey kids, tell mom and dad to get a job or convert to a religion without presents.

Some of my co-workers at Best Buy thought that it was rude of me to not give anything to the Salvation Army bell ringers this year. Well, some of us are saving up for that America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Ultimate Scream Machines DVD (Digital Collector's Edition). With the employee discount it should be mine in no time. All over America religious and secular leaders tell me that I need to give money to help people. How am I going to witness over twenty coasters in glorious 5.1 surround sound if I keep giving everything I make away?

If these goody two shoes had their way I would not have saved enough for the entire Horse Creek Production series. Trust me, it was worth the money. At Coaster Con last year I met a fine lady named Tina. While she couldn't fit in a lot of the rides we had fun hanging out Das Festhaus. I am sure that the Horse Creek POV of the boomerang at Wild Adventures is what allowed me to feel her roast beef curtains that magical night she came back to my room at the Super 8.

I am not saying I never help those less fortunate. In fact, last week I tried to sell Goodwill my Top Thrill Dragster shirt autographed by the guy who walks the track on Junior Gemini and they wouldn't give me anything for it. If this is how charity works then I want no part of it. I am just tired of those limousine liberals like Jesus telling me to help others. What a crock of shit.

P.S.: I appreciate ARN&R giving me the space to air my concerns about the Christmas season with like-minded coaster enthusiasts. My "Steel 4 Me (Coasters that Is!)" column usually appears on Thrillnetwork, but ever since the "incident" I had in their chatroom where I tried to polish VekomaRulz's chainlift I haven't been allowed to log in.

--Transcribed by FMB

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Hurler Theming Returns

Sources close to the Paramount chain of amusement parks tell ARN&R that the Hurler coasters at King's Dominion and Carowinds will have their theming returned for the 2004 season.

Opening as part of the Wayne's World section at each of the two parks, the Hurler coasters featured a preshow by Wayne and Garth, while the ride and station featured music by Queen and Joan Jett. In recent years, the television monitors have been silent, while the popular Queen hits have vanished from the lift hill. But that's all about to change.

"Visitors should expect a return to a full themed experience," says the source. "Of course, after Cat in the Hat, we certainly weren't going to invite Mike Myers back to do Wayne for the ride, so the television monitors will still not be used. However, we will return to having hard rock pumping out of the lift hill speakers, and the immersive Queen experience of the coaster will be greatly enhanced with a bunch of ride ops and maintenance workers themed as Queen guitarist Brian May. It's inexpensive for us and tons of fun for riders, a win-win situation!

The source also noted that Paramount intended to have Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury give a performance for the rollout of the revamped Hurler theming this Spring, but, for "some odd reason" had not yet managed to locate him.

--JCK

Saturday, January 03, 2004

New Line to Farm Out Return of the King DVD Effects

Fans of the Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies expressed outrage this week when it became known that New Line Studios, the distributor for the movies, was strongly leaning toward farming out the effects work for the Return of the King Special Extended Edition DVD. WETA Digital, which handled all effects for the three films and the added scenes for the two previous Special Extended Editions, was considered too expensive by the studio, which plans to hand the special effects work for the final DVD to Vekoma.

"We know these three films and the previous two extended DVDs have been all about quality," said a New Line rep too slimy and hideous to allow us to use his name. "That's why we figured it would be a great idea to really f*** our audience with the very last chapter in the saga. Instead of using the expensive, quality production of WETA, which has made us metric assloads of money and pleased many movie fans and critics, we figured we'd just get a crap coaster manufacturer to slap some tacky garbage in there."

"We're cheap bastards," the rep added.

Vekoma, which is noted for causing both crushing boredom and severe head trauma with its Suspended Looping Coasters, Boomerangs, and Seatless Floorless Coasters, has no prior experience with movie special effects. The company reportedly plans to show the dramatic fight scene between Gandalf and the Witch King by putting an Invertigo into the scene with Ian McKellen, while more battle scenes with Orcs will be represented with thousands of convincing "clones" of a Vekoma SLC.

"Hey, don't whine to us," said the rep, pawing his hands through his oily toupee. "You should be thanking us for having a really s**tty coaster design firm doing the effects for this DVD. At least we didn't use the cretins who animated Jar Jar Binks for the new Star Wars flicks."

--JCK

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Dinn Unsure About Attending Future Company Parties

Denise Dinn has expressed concern about attending any more company parties, according to sources. The former president of CCI, now head of the wood coaster division of S&S/Arrow, developed this impression during the S&S New Year's Eve party last night.

"All of our parties at CCI were so...sedate," said Dinn this afternoon. "Wine, appetizers, some jazz. But this Stan Checketts guy...wow, those S&S dudes can party their asses off. Out of control."

Dinn added that she was unable to attend last year's New Year's party in the nightclub hotspot of Logan, Utah, her first with the company, so this was her first experience with the hard-core party boys with the compressed air fetish. "I knew Stan was pretty wild," said Dinn. "But things got out of control pretty quick. First we had tequilla shots, and then he made us all do the Electric Slide while suspended from a bungi cord attached to his Thrust Air prototype. Then we went to Vegas and rode the Big Shot forty times. Everyone else freeballed it, but I declined."

Dinn added, "and right before I left the party, Stan was discussing making the entire sales staff dip their naked bodies in lime green paint and rub themselves all over some Frog Hoppers before they were shipped out, so the kids could be 'exposed' to modern art. Wow. I passed on that."

Dinn noted that next year she "might see what Toomer's up to instead of hitting the official company party."

--JCK