Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic
It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the Beast thong.
But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007 Beast Thong Farewell Tour.
Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.
The decision to discontinue the Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.
And hey, while you’re over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.
(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)