Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Comcast Drops Disney Bid; Disney Announces It Will Buy Quassy

In a stunning turn of events, Comcast today announced that it was dropping its $54 billion bid to buy Disney. At the same time, Disney announced that it was buying Lake Quassy, a small amusement park in Middlebury, Connecticut, for approximately $8 billion.

"Now that we've pushed aside Comcast, we're ready to move forward!" declared Michael Eisner of Disney. "We love to recreate old-style parks -- just look at Disney's California Adventure. And with Quassy, we've found the perfect park for developing that strategy. We don't have to do a thing, since the park is so lovingly maintained and perfectly designed in the first place!"

When asked if $8 billion might be a bit of an overpayment, Eisner scoffed. "Look, have you been to Quassy? It's the greatest hidden gem east of the Mississippi. We'll have millions of people going through the gates by the end of the summer."
The Return of the Weird-Ass Search String

As usual, we've been getting some really messed-up freaks blundering across ARN&R while looking for highly disturbing- or just plain odd- crap on the web. Just have a gander at how the lunatics and wackos have located our website lately!

By the way, if you were one of the asylum escapees who typed in these searches, by all means welcome to our fun amusement park satire page! You'll find exactly what you were looking for here! Please don't rub your feces on our houses or sodomize our pets!

-Charlize Theron Backward Speech

While at least one member of the ARN&R staff believes the South African actress to be a filthy (and thoroughly untalented) minion of the Antichrist, his views have not gained widespread acceptance. And even he would never have thought you could hear Satanic lyrics when you play her backwards!

-Antonio Sabato Jr Gets Jumped

Well, on second thought, this one isn't all that weird. It's actually a thoroughly admirable thing to hope for, but we're afraid that ARN&R will not be much help in getting it to happen. Best of luck, though. Our prayers are with you in this noble enterprise.

-Pat Robertson tattoos piercings

Presumably because every jackass who hates gays and women needs to be able to locate a parlor willing to permanently carve the pasty, intolerant visage of his fearless leader into his bicep or staple it through his penis.

-Jessica Simpson Camel Toe Rumors

Um. Ew. Well, thankfully no one has found us while searching for "Josh Groban Male Camel Toe," at least. Yet.

--JCK