Monday, July 21, 2003

Headquarters Accommodations for ACE CoasterCon Chosen

Among the most exciting announcements made each year by the American Coaster Enthusiasts are the location of the host parks for a CoasterCon, provided the previous year, and the actual dates of the Con, often sent to members as much as several minutes before the event begins. In recent years, an added bonus thrill has been produced with the listing of accommodations offered to ACE members in the vicinity of a big national event. At a press conference this morning, the ACE Executive Junta proved itself really ‘on the ball’ by announcing the headquarters hotel for the entire 2004 CoasterCon: the Valley Rest Inn in New Lebanon, New York.

Scheduled for next June 20-25, the Con had many ACE members worried, as housing in the vicinity of Cedar Point, one of the host parks, can be expensive and hard to find during the summer.

“Thank goodness they got this one rolling so fast,” said member Peter Gibbons, 33. “I was worried about getting stuck somewhere really expensive or located too far from the [exclusive ride time]. Now, I know that ACE members will pay only 52 to 82 dollars a night at the lovely Valley Rest Motel, as long as we book within the next month.”

“We’re always looking to help out our members with great discounts and convenient locations for the headquarters hotel,” said ACE Interim Vice Dictator for Life Mark Cole. “Everyone remembers how cheap and convenient it was to stay at that wonderful hotel an hour and a half from either park at the California Con that Helen Hunt wouldn’t come to. And we made sure to get the most expensive hotel near Hersheypark and get a reduced rate that’s pretty much exactly the same as the regular rate, while enterprising ACE members not mentioning their club affiliation found decent accommodations all over the area. Next year promises to be even more spectacular than those kick-ass experiences!”

Cole then dramatically unveiled the photo of the Valley Rest Inn and spoke on: “Located only nine and a half hours one way from Sandusky, the Valley Rest will be the location of our ACE General Store, video and photo contests, speakers, and luxurious banquet, all to be held in the uneven dirt parking lot of the motel. Valley Rest has fourteen rooms. This might seem like very few rooms, but since we’ve been using that eCRIBB roommate request forum at the ACE website, we’ve realized just how many unwashed, rambling freaks want to room with each other at events since they have no friends to take along…we’ll just throw thirty or forty of these slobs in one room together and give ‘em a chance to breed!”

Valley Rest Motel owner Samir Nayeenanajar noted that he was pleased at getting this conference business, since “the only people who normally use the motel are heroin junkies and truckers looking to bang a hooker real quick before getting back on the road.” He went on to say, “each room provides a great variety of unusual wildlife not seen in typical hotels…ACE members will be amazed by our giant spiders, caterpillars, flies, gnats, fist-sized mosquitoes, and rats. Also, the varieties of fungus cultivated in the showers, toilets, floor, and bed sheets by our master maid-scientists are expected to amaze these coaster lovers more than any ride designed by Intamin. Our staff will ‘pre-obliterate’ all the commodes before ACErs arrive so as to demonstrate the strength of our porcelain. And the towels have that all-natural ‘not laundered after their last use by a herpes-infected crack whore’ appeal. Please note that ice will be two dollars per bag, we don’t have a night manager available for check-in after 11:OO PM, the windows have no locks, and there is only refreshing freezing cold water in the bathrooms, all for your safety and convenience. Plus, our entire staff, male and female, have mullets, which will make the ACE members feel right at home, and there are superb crystal meth dealers and butt-ugly dollar-whores in the vicinity.”

Cole gave ACE members a stern talking-to during his speech. “We hear lots of complaining about accommodations,” he said sternly. “However, we assure members we always do the absolute best we can to make their Con more fun and financially feasible, and we will tolerate no complaints and bitchings from our surly underlings…er…ACE members. This is the best location we could find at a decent price, so don’t even think of whining to us about stepping in a puddle of trucker semen, having difficulties flushing the giant turd the maid left in your toilet, or having the huge spiders in your room cocoon you alive and gradually feed off your bodily juices over a period of several weeks.”

Cole concluded with the following: “ACE members staying at the Valley Rest Motel should, of course, receive a number of important inoculations before staying at our headquarters hotel…we recommend shots or preparatory treatment kits for Malaria, Typhus, Crotch Rot, Crabs, Rabies, Dysentery, Ringworm, and Giant Parasitic Worms Crawling Up Your Butt and Spawning Flesh-Eating Larvae.”

--JCK

[Author’s Note: Interestingly, a motel website for the New Lebanon area lists the ACE Headquarters Hotel, Valley Rest, along with numerous others on a page for, and we quote:

CLEAN ... SAFE LODGING AT "AFFORDABLE" PRICES.

For those of you unfamiliar with the English language, this actually means that lodging is available at ‘so-called affordable’ prices, meaning it is not affordable at all. Although, in that case, perhaps it would be more factually correct to have the listing as follows: “Clean” “Safe” “Lodging” at “Affordable” Prices.]

It's Official: Some People Like Robb Alvey and Elissa White, Some Don't

Thanks to all of the incredibly gifted and brilliant minds over at rec.roller-coaster, the roller coaster enthusiast world will no longer have to wonder about one of the most intriguing mysteries of all time. For it has been solved.

After months and months of debate and thread after hate-spewing thread of useless, inane chatter and childish name calling, it can now safely and assuredly be said that some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.

Experts poured over the evidence for month after agonizing month looking for the answer to this puzzling perplexity. They painstakingly analyzed post after post, thread after thread, message after message looking for clues to guide them along in their quest for this supreme knowledge. They interviewed hundreds of witnesses dozens of times each. They watched hour after hour of roller coaster POV video footage and studied countless incidents of wild and wacky antics between Robb, Elissa and their 'so-called' fiends. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the experts reached a startling consensus on this ever so important issue. Some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.

Expert on everything and frequent rec.roller-coaster poster, Marvin Jacobson, had this to say about the oh-so-surprising recent revelation:

"I already knew that. It's really just a matter of simple mathematics. Flip a coin 100 times and, on average, it'll land on heads 50 times and on tails 50 times unless you have some super mind control power that allows you to control how the coin will land, like I have. But, if you aren't gifted with mind control like me, then half the time you'll get one result and the other half you'll get another result. Although, I guess there is also a slim possibility that the coin could land sideways on its edge. Yeah, I guess that could happen too. Or, possibly, you might flip the coin up so high that it would leave the gravitational pull of the Earth and just keep flipping around forever never landing on heads or tails. I guess that could also happen. But, anyway, what were we talking about?"

Experts around the world are quite relieved that this dilemma has finally been resolved. Now, they can move on and concentrate on solving some more of the important mysteries of life like which is the best digital camera, does Six Flags America management sit around all day watching BET, and is Justin gay, or is he just a really sexy bitch?

--JWS