Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Exclusive Breaking News -- Update

Over two months ago, ARN&R broke the news that Cedar Point's new coaster would not be what the park had announced (a laughably short and uneventful fifteen-second ride). Since the park is continuing to claim that the ride will simply be launch, up, down, brakes, we feel it necessary to remind you again that ARN&R can exclusvely confirm that this picture is what will, in fact, appear when the park opens, confirming what the best-informed people said earlier in the fall.

And in case you forgot: Jeeper's in Olathe, Kansas, is still slated to get the next B&M flying coaster.

Bank on it.
Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB