X Already Dreading Solace Aftermath
In an exclusive ARN&R interview, X, the controversial "4D" coaster at Magic Mountain, confided that he's already dreading a post-Solace Magic Mountain event that will likely involve ERT for "those fat bastards."
"Life! Don't talk to me about life," the famously unreliable coaster reported, "Do you know how many times a day I'm vomited on? No, of course you don't. Why would you care about what I go through? You just want to sit your fat, human body on my aching structure and ride me. No one cares what I go through. No one cares about the incredible ache down my rear structural support ever since the last ERT."
"1,547. What? You don't know what that means? Of course you don't. That's the number of times I've been vomited on. Not that you care."
"I've been peed on 36 times as well," the manically depressed coaster added, "Oh, is that too much information? Well pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. God, I'm depressed."
"It's hard enough running the two or three days a week that I bother. At least half the load on my poorly built frame is kids and teenagers. But enthusiast ERT, my God! Every time I think the fattest person in the world has crammed into my restraints, another one sits down. What are these people so enthusiastic about anyway? Roller coasters or pork chops?"
"Oh great. I bet enthusiasts are going to hate me for saying that now. That's okay. Everyone hates me. People that ride me hate me for having a four-hour line. People that can't ride me hate me for being closed. Magic Mountain hates me for being so expensive to maintain. Arrow hated me for being so expensive to build and for pushing them into bankruptcy, like it was my fault they planned for the future as well as Milli Vanilli. Even other coasters hate me. None of them want to talk to me. Top Thrill Dragster used to speak to me when everyone hated him, but now he won't even return my calls. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away."
At this point, X concluded the interview by breaking down.
--MOS (with just a touch of input from Douglas Adams [R.I.P. Douglas])