Sunday, February 01, 2004

Time for the Big Game

We know literally thousands of people will be looking to ARN&R to help celebrate their Super Bowl Sunday in style. Unfortunately, we have lots of other stuff to do. For instance, the Assistant Editor will be far too busy watching the Queer Eye marathon and then switching to the Super Bowl at the absolute last second so as to hopefully avoid viewing the insightful pre-game commentary of Phil Simms and Deion Sanders entirely. Also there will be beer.

However, we feel bad about leaving you in the lurch, so we're presenting a Very Special Rerun of not one, but two exciting football-related articles from last season. Of course, we're way too lazy to update the names, so you'll need to be creative. For instance, the Bengals made the stunning leap from "bad high school practice squad" to "pretty mediocre" this year, so maybe the second article will be more topical if you substitute a rancid team from this year, such as the Arizona Cardinals, San Diego Chargers, or New York Giants. And, of course, Warren Sapp will still probably talk some trash, even though he's sitting on his ass watching the game because of the fact that his team was a bunch of chokers this season. So you can actually leave him in the first article, but then substitute various Panther and Patriot names where applicable. Have fun!

Super Bowl Trash Talk Hits Bulletin Board

As Super Bowl festivities get underway today, the Raiders have extra incentive for victory, in the form of taunts made by Buccaneers noseguard Warren Sapp. Sapp’s inflammatory comments immediately appeared on the Raiders bulletin board.

A selection of Sapp’s inflammatory comments are reprinted below:

“Yo, Charlie Garner sucks worse than Raging Wolf Bobs.”
“Lincoln Kennedy is so fat people yell 'Free Willy' when he sits on the beach. I bet he’s a card-carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”
“Rich Gannon’s gonna be spending more time on his ass than the Rolling Thunder paint crew.”
“I heard Bill Romanowski’s momma is so stupid, she likes it when the lap bar ratchets her down in the seat so she can’t get no airtime.”

“Warren is doing his best with his antics to get under our skin, but it won’t work,” stated Raiders receiver Jerry Rice. “All he’s doing is giving us more incentive to win this game.”

Rice added that Sapp has lots of really stupid coasters in his top ten list, and that “he can only fit his big ass in Row 5 of a B&M inverted coaster.”


Cincinnati Bengals: "We're Going to Boardwalk and Baseball!"

The refrain has been repeated for years: after the Super Bowl, the winners yell with delight, "We're going to Disneyland!"

But the worst-in-league Bengals (2-14 this season) like to do things differently. So, instead of visiting the magical world of Disney, the players all decided they'd visit Boardwalk and Baseball, the long-defunct Haines Park, Florida amusement park. But the Bengals didn't know the park (formerly known as Circus World) had closed over a decade earlier.

After getting to the park's former site, Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna shared his thoughts in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just remember thinking it was the greatest place in the world when I visited back in the early '80s with my family. I had no idea it had closed down, and I guess nobody thought to ask before we flew down there."

The park now consists of the decrepit ruins of a baseball stadium, vast expanses of cracking concrete, and a stunning array of garbage left by nearby residents. During the ten-minute visit, three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying.

"Next year, it'll be different," said Kitna. "We'll win the Super Bowl, and then -- we're so totally gonna ride Thunderbolt at Coney Island!"