Friday, February 28, 2003

Edward Markey Committed To Lunatic Asylum

Representative Edward Markey (D-MA) was committed to a maximum-security mental health facility today after he ignored advice from his own panel to stop pushing for federal regulation of amusement parks in the United States.

The Brain Injury Association, a leading group of medical experts brought together by Markey to assess the alleged dangers of riding roller coasters, issued a major report that reaffirmed previous independent studies that claimed that the rides are actually totally safe and present no public health risk.

Said IAAPA (International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions) President Clark Robinson, “all available science proves that parks and rides are safe. The American Association of Neurological Surgeons concluded that rides present no public health risk. The engineers of Exponent Failure Analysis demonstrated that g-forces of roller coasters are no greater than that of a sneeze or skipping rope. Former NASA astronauts have described comparisons of roller coasters to the space shuttle as ‘hogwash.’ The University of Pennsylvania found no health risk associated with the g-forces of roller coasters. And now the Brain Injury Association calls it ‘unlikely’ that a federal agency could match our impressive safety record. Politicians who claim otherwise fly in the face of hard science and common sense.”

Following Robinson’s statement, Markey immediately began sprinting naked through the streets of Washington, D.C., screaming, “I don’t care about those reports! Even if they are by experts and make complete sense! I will destroy all that is fun and safe in America! I’m insane, I’m insane, whoohoo I’m insane!” Markey continued his bizarre display by running frantically in circles, screaming obscenities in Sanskrit, and vigorously licking his own crotch. Markey was eventually dragged off by trained personnel from Our Lady of the Evening Special Home for the Really Confused. “It took seven of us armed with billy clubs and a Taser to get that lunatic in a straitjacket and in the van,” said a breathless and exhausted Conrad Hufflepuff.

Councilors representing the congressman inform ARN&R that Markey maintains that Ed Harris, a little girl, and several coaster designers continue to torment him several times per day in his rubber-lined quarters. ARN&R is unable to confirm whether Markey’s budding campaign to regulate the shuffleboarding industry will be derailed by his latest difficulties.

--JCK

Thursday, February 27, 2003

ACE Government-In-Exile Proudly Defies Minions of Evil

The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.

According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.

From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”

The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:

American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202

“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”

[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]

--JCK

Monday, February 24, 2003

Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity

Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.

“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”

Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”

Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”

Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”

The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.

--JCK

Sunday, February 23, 2003

President Bush Denounces Great Britain

President George W. Bush denounced Great Britain today, claiming it was a “refugee of terrorist people who had weapons of mass production.” This news comes as a mild surprise to much of the planet, as Great Britain appeared to be America’s only major supporter of the coming war with Iraq. The President had already alienated one potential ally recently when he chose to taunt the French for inferior roller coasters.

“My faithful subjects and minions,” Bush stated. “We have learned of a new threat to our borders, that which are needed for our defending. The state of Great Britain is harboring nukyularness and dangerous things, and we must force a regime change, incarcinate those responsible, and hopefully drop some bombs that make all those cool explosions. Things blowing up is neat.”

Bush then weighed in with his evidence against Great Britain. “Great Britain possesses a theme park called Alton Towers, and at the park is a ride called Submission. My advisors have told to me that ‘submission’ is a loose translation of the meaning of the word ‘Islam.’ Clearly, the United Kingdom has affiliated itself with an unholy affiliation of Islammites who endanger our nation, that is the United States. We will give the country exactly one day to tear this ride down, or we will consider England to be in that Axel of Evil thing, and then we’ll have to invade.”

Bush concluded his speech by banging two G.I. Joe dolls together and making moist explosion sounds with his mouth.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to react. “This is bloody intolerable. Whilst we hope to remain allies with the United States, we will protect our interests, including our interest in getting flipped around in the air to the point of violent physical illness by a well-themed Chance Inverter. My advisors and I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that Mr. Bush has been riding a few too many Vekoma rides lately, and we are not certain he can any longer be entrusted with the leadership of his country.”

--JCK


Welcome, park urinal fans!





(Freaks.)

Thursday, February 20, 2003

ARN&R Attempts to Care About Tidal Wave Removal, Fails

Major US news sources report today that ARN&R doesn't really care very much at all that Paramount's Great America's Tidal Wave, a Schwarzkopf shuttle loop coaster, is being removed from the park. This despite being repeatedly notified by sources and alert readers of the website that the ride was endangered.

"We actually had the scoop on this," reported ARN&R's Editor-in-Chief and Grand Almighty Master. "We received word from a concerned citizen a couple weeks ago that Tidal Force was going to be demolished. We actually had the news ready to break days before anyone else would confirm it, but we sort of, I don't know, didn't get around to it. I mean, it's an 25-year-old shuttle loop, for Pete's sake. It's hard for ARN&R to put the same sort of concern into this as we would for a real coaster like Twister being knocked down. Well, now the removal of Tidal Wave is listed at Screamscape, so we lost our exclusive feature. Darn."

Other representatives of ARN&R were equally unresponsive to the bleak news of the coaster's death. "Why are people even bothering to let us know about this sort of thing?" asked correspondent RAS. "First of all, this must mean someone still thinks this site posts actual news and rumors. Oh boy. Even worse is why, even if we did write actual news, we'd bother sending anyone to cover this anyway."

Added correspondent JCK, "I am desperately attempting to muster up some concern for the removal of Tidal Wave. Uh...um....er.....uh.....nope. Sorry. I actually don't give a rat's ass."

The luxurious Absolutelyreliable staff offices then erupted into fisticuffs over which writer would be forced to write a report on the sad, tragic demise of one of the world's greatest roller coasters. Reportedly, correspondent JCK lost the fight when hit in the face with an auctioned Yankee Cannonball chain dog, after which he grudgingly agreed to feign concern about never getting to ride Tidal Wave. JCK refuses to confirm such speculation, however.

--JCK

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Busch Gardens Tampa Apologizes to Celebrity Pair

The president of Busch Gardens Tampa says he is sorry for making Catherine Zeta-Jones feel bad with the unauthorized onride photos taken of the actress and husband Michael Douglas in 2000.

Ed Sanchez took the stand in London’s High Court yesterday as part of his legal battle with the actress, and issued an apology for the offense and distress he had caused Zeta-Jones and Douglas. However, Sanchez stood by the use of the photos, and called the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed by the pair “pretty over the top.”

During court proceedings last week, Zeta-Jones claimed that the onride Montu photos were of poor quality and were unflattering to her. “The quality was what every theme park visitor would dread,” she stated. “It was cheap and tacky, and it made my ass look huge. I didn’t know the cameras were even there. I have undergone devastating damage and stress over these horrid pictures, and the harm to my career is monumental.”

Douglas added that “Busch Gardens is well aware that Catherine and I have an exclusive relationship with Cedar Fair parks, and only those parks can take photos of us squealing like stuck pigs on roller coasters. Busch took those photos illegally and with an intent to spite us.”

“I am apologetic for any trouble these photos caused Ms. Zeta-Jones,” said Sanchez. “However, we did nothing illegal or untoward, and are certain we will win the case. For one, she can’t really accuse us of making her ass look huge since she’s sitting on the thing in all these pictures. More importantly, the two of them can hardly claim they were unaware of being photographed, since they are grabbing their crotches, sticking their tongues out, and flipping the bird at the camera in each and every shot we have of them.”

--JCK

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Couple Divorced on Coaster

History was made this past weekend, as what is believed to be the first on-coaster divorce took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The unhappy couple, Elana Hoffman, 30, and Lawrence Mullet, 35, dissolved their vows at 3:45 PM this past Saturday on the park’s Colossus racing coaster.

Said enthusiast Mike Falkowski, 29, “every darn week some couple thinks it’s cute and oh-so-original to have a wedding on a roller coaster, and it always means I get stuck waiting in line for the morons to get finished with their vows, the ceremonial ride, and the bouquet and/or cookie tossing. I’ve had to wait for stupid people to wed on Kraken, Raptor, Nitro, and Giant Dipper this year already. Enough! It isn’t unique and cool, and it’s damn sure not Xtreme, okay?”

When it was pointed out to Falkowski that the couple on Colossus was formalizing a divorce rather than getting married, Falkowski yelled “yeah! Now that I can wait in line for!”

The ceremony took place with great fanfare, as the opposing parties marched in to the Colossus station under colorful banners to the pumping sounds of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Guns ‘n’ Roses’s “Used to Love Her.” The non-bride and her group sat on the train on the left side of the station, while the non-groom and his group took the right. The lead car of each train featured a future non-spouse and three lawyers, while the remainder of the trains consisted of friends of the two divorcees. Mullet’s train was filled to the rim with large, drunken former frat buddies, while Hoffman’s featured only six catty girlfriends and family members. The divorce became official once the trains diverged and swooped around the far turnarounds of Colossus.

ARN&R was able to gain exclusive interviews with both members of the non-couple while the ride was in progress. According to Mullet, “man, this will be a weight off my shoulders. That little tramp is the most manipulative bitch on the entire planet. She lies constantly, spends all my money on shoes, and has no sense of personal hygiene. She’s also a slut…I’ve caught her sleeping around on me at least five different times, and she gave me a vicious case of herpes that’s flaring up right as we speak. Good riddance to that whore.”

Mullet then added, “Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Retorted Hoffman, “my former husband is a complete lazy slob. He leaves clothes around, pees all over the bathroom floor, and hangs out drinking with his idiot friends. He’s just a stupid Nebraska hick who can’t hold a conversation. And I only found companionship with other men and women because he’s terrible in bed. He couldn’t even get it up most of the time. He also gets way too angry…I apologized at least two or three times for giving him herpes and the clap, but he just wouldn’t let it go. Damn, this coaster is slow! And who do I have to screw to get some airtime?”

The race back to the station for first place became one of great importance, with passengers in both trains taunting each other and making whipping motions at their Morgan trains in an effort to speed them along. Mullet’s train proved victorious, although Hoffman pointed out that “all the extra weight on his side couldn’t have hurt.”

“This has been a traumatic experience for all people involved,” stated Mullet’s primary lawyer, Anna Jetter. "All the acrimony, the vicious squabbling over money and blame…we all figured marking the end of a very unsuccessful marriage with a special ceremony was appropriate. Particularly if that ceremony enabled me to rack up as many new coaster credits as this park does!”

In what may be step up in the battle for theme park supremacy, Islands of Adventure has already stated that Magic Mountain’s coaster divorce was a feeble publicity stunt. Says IOA rep Sandy Pak, “we’re going to show how a coaster divorce is really done. Ours will be a true media event. The actual divorce case will be handled by the really rude talking fountain in the Lost Continent. Then the bickering couple will board the coaster. Instead of using a racing coaster, we will put our celebrants on Dueling Dragons…the divorce becomes final when the trains separate right after the lift, then the divorce parties can amuse themselves yelling insults, giving the finger, and spitting at each other as the trains go through their dueling elements. Jerry Springer will host the event on live TV.”

The Magic Mountain divorce was protested by a group of ACE members, who demanded that Colossus be run as an actual racer all the time, instead of just for special divorce celebrations. Reports that Six Flags officials leaned out their windows and threw urine upon the protesters have not been confirmed at this time.

--JCK

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Michael Jackson Under Fire Again

Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.

“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”

“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”

Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”

Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”

Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”

Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”

Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.

--JCK


Friday, February 14, 2003

Scandal Strands Dork Island

The new Fox reality series called Dork Island found itself embroiled in scandal almost before it began this week, when one of its contestants proved not to be nearly as dorky as he was contractually obligated to be.

As reported earlier by ARN&R, Dork Island is a show that features a diverse group of total wankers competing in a series of battles. Each week, dorks are voted off the island, and bullies administer wedgies and taunts to them. Ratings for the new show have shot through the roof, with the premiere garnering an amazing 34.5 Nielsen share.

The glitch in the show was discovered this week. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “everyone signed a contract expressly pledging total geekdom, in order that the show be as interesting as possible. While the majority of the Dork Island participants have proven truly dorkalicious, especially the vampire guy, computer games tester, and Star Wars doll collector, certain contestants were deemed unacceptable and removed from our show.”

Surprisingly, the geek removed from the reality series was none other than “Danny,” the coaster enthusiast. Preliminary Vegas odds listed Danny as a 2 to 1 shot to be named Master Nerd by the end of the show’s final Geek Council. “It turns out Danny really isn’t that much of a putz,” says Swank. “Danny has obviously had healthy relationships with other people, and does not focus a full one hundred percent of his efforts on roller coasters. While he does keep lists of favorite rides, and takes a two-week coaster vacation once per year, he just doesn’t have the level of total obsession we want. He’s married to an attractive young lady. He regularly joins friends for a drink or to watch basketball. He must have been laid before, because he and his wife have two kids. Even worse, while he does take his family to amusement parks, he also takes them for movies and goes to their soccer games and violin lessons. This is a fairly regular guy who has a kind of weird hobby. What we were promised is Doctor Doofmeister.”

Danny has already begun bashing the show for unfairness, stating that “they knew I was going to win, but they preferred playing up the tension between the Magic player and the D&D fan. It’s nothing but cheap shock tactics, and I am currently seeking council on whether to file a lawsuit.”

Fox announced today that Danny would be replaced on Dork Island by Corey Feldman.

--JCK

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Hell Freezes Over

Breaking News

To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.

“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”

After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”

“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.

[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]

--JCK

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Idiots Actually Think ARN&R Is Real

ARN&R was distressed today to learn that there still exist people who think the website has real amusement industry news. These people, labeled by experts as “babbling simpletons,” frequently send email to the site and post to message boards the opinion that the information on ARN&R is incorrect or misleading.

“The people running that site are idiots,” said one intellectual star, known to ThemeParkCritic and Coasterbuzz as SitNSpin, who has miraculously noted the lack of accuracy in ARN&R reports. “Usually their rumors are totally wrong. All they do is spread misleading things about parks and print the dumbest rumors. Like that article about new policies at Six Flags parks was so bull. My brother works at a Six Flags, so I know that’s totally not true. They also are stupid because they said Busch Gardens had the Applause Award taken from them and that Six Flags Astroworld is getting a second Vekoma SLC. Where do they hear this stupid crap? No one should believe any stuff they say.”

Even more moronic, according to experts, is MrBigEagle, who reached new realms of drooling stupidity by not only taking ARN&R reports seriously, but also actually going a step further and, incredibly enough, believing them. “Those hippie liberals at Amnesty International have gone too far this time, trying to protest Six Flags rides. Why don’t they get a life? But it’s good to see that my favorite theme park chain is still growing. That’s great that they made South Dakota into Six Flags Upper Midwest. I’ll be in line on opening day to show my support.” MrBigEagle then unexpectedly flew into a rage, snarling that “the Supreme Court decision on Superman:The Escape not being a coaster is such crud. Everyone I know thinks it’s a coaster. Those old farts wouldn’t know a coaster if it bit them in the ass.”

Some ARN&R detractors have even speculated that the site is wasting valuable online space that can never be recovered by mankind. States Rhodes Scholar Roarbaby, “Why anyone would want to run a site like that is beyond me, personally if you ask me it's a waste of webspace that could've been used to create a more informative & accurate site involving the amusement park industry.”

“This level of stupidity amazes me,” states leading New York brain surgeon Casper Goodspeed. “In our profession, we have a complicated medical term to adequately describe persons of such mental skill: ‘stupid f%&#s.’”

When last seen by reporters, MrBigEagle was busily rummaging through a used bookshop in search of an elusive copy of Maxim’s January ‘Babes of the Amusement Industry’ issue.

--JCK



Bush Insults French Coasters

The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.

Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”

French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”

Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”

--JCK

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Parks and Enthusiasts Dissed By Academy

Excitement reigned in Hollywood today as nominations for the 75th Oscars were announced. The picks by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences created their usual share of controversy, however. Reginald B. Eubanks III, for one, was appalled by the Academy’s decisions. "It was, like, I was personally dissed. Those [arts and science] people don't know anything about good entertainment when they see it. I can't believe they didn’t nominate one theme park or theme park attraction!"

Enthusiasts worldwide seemed misled in their beliefs that somehow this year's 75th annual Academy picks would include theme parks and theme park rides and attractions. "I can't believe Cedar Point was not at the top of their list!" bellowed Thomas Hogwell of Grand Forks, Michigan. "Millennium Force should've been a shoe-in for Best Dramatic Leading Performer."

“Some of these picks are indeed a surprise,” stated E! News’s Jules Asner. Chicago was expected to gather many nods, but who would have thought The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Swept Away, and Eight Crazy Nights wouldn’t have gotten Best Picture consideration? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christenson not getting Best Supporting nominations for their superb rendering of dialogue in Attack of the Clones is deeply puzzling. And how could The Raven be overlooked for Best Coaster, Wood? Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah were both excellent, but Julianne Moore frankly doesn’t deliver the speed, airtime, and out of control thrill that the Raven does.”

Other amusement park lovers confessed shock and outrage. Said Dan Gordo, “I can’t believe Islands of Adventure was almost totally shut out of the nominations. Road to Perdition had a great score, but everything else nominated in that category was vastly inferior to the IOA soundtrack, particularly the part you hear in the Lost Continent area. And Cat in the Hat has Best Live Action Short written all over it. Well, at least Spiderman got the one nom for Visual Effects.” Upon learning that the Best Visual Effects nomination had gone to the movie of Spiderman rather than the ride, Gordo reportedly screamed and bashed his head through a wall.

"Jeepers," exclaimed 14-year-old Porter Everton, "this is the first year ever I will be allowed to stay up that late even to watch the event, but now I don't care. Those [Academy] people suck." Paramount parkgoer Jeremy Mac noted, "XLC could've at least gotten the shoe-in with Best Supporting Buttress." [Editor’s note: It is interesting that Mr. Everton would phrase his dismay in such fashion, as Jeepers Parks failed to receive any nominations, either, most surprising considering the fact that they built a Faces of Death-themed kiddie coaster this season.]

Sources close to ARN&R report that many amusement industry bigwigs have concluded the Academy of Arts and Sciences has no idea what it is doing. Walter Bolliger is alleged to have said, "Anyone who has ever ridden Alpengeist knows what Best Design is all about. Those [Academy] people know nothing."

Corporate reaction to the news was mixed. Six Flags President and CEO Roger Finterspoon furiously attacked the Academy in verbal repartee, "Damn you [Academy] guys! Damn you all to heck! I've got thirty-five parks worldwide and not one of them was nominated for a single thing! Not even a nod for Best Foreign Theme Park!" However, Disney, which has won numerous Academy Awards in the past, had no comment, except to express disappointment that Christopher Walken’s nomination was for Catch Me If You Can rather than The Country Bears.”

--RAS


Monday, February 10, 2003

Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick

Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.

Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”

The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.

Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”

Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”

According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:

-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.

As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.

--JCK
New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled

Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”

"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."

Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.

"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."

"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."

--RAS

[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]



Saturday, February 08, 2003

Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend Finally Caught

Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.

“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”

ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”

“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”

Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”

When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”

--JCK

Friday, February 07, 2003

Snow Thwarts Enthusiast

Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.

Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”

Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”

Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”

[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]

--JCK

Thursday, February 06, 2003

Thrillride! Back Online; Panic Ensues Amongst Crappy Coaster Websites

Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.

“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”

Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.

Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”

It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”

--JCK
Webmaster of StrataCoasterThrillz.com Sues Earthlink, Apple Computer.

Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.

Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”

When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.

Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.

--PM

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

American Coaster Enthusiasts Earn Rare Honor

Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.

IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.

Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”

Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”

ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.

--JCK

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Everyone Keeps Ripping Off ARN&R, Sources Report

As reported by sources at ARN&R to the staff of ARN&R, everyone is apparently ripping off ideas and stories from ARN&R.

The first rippers-off were none other than the employees of the legendary satirical publication The Onion, sources claim. This week’s edition of The Onion has an article titled “U.N. Orders Wonka to Submit to Chocolate Factory Inspections.” While national humor experts label the article “damn funny,” several prominent scholars note a “disturbing” similarity between it and an article which appeared on ARN&R almost two months ago.

A more disturbing swiping of high-falutin’ concepts occurred this week, when, following what popular culture experts call an “amazingly silly ARN&R article” about coaster reality shows, the Discovery Network announced plans for just such a “craptastic” real life show, a one-hour reality TV documentary called Thrill Rides: Put to the Test.

A management representative of ARN&R stated in a press conference that ARN&R would have pursued litigation for unintellectual property theft, except that “we have decided to let the matter slide, as we really want to see our Beast thongs appear some day on a Discovery Network special, and our writing style appears, on rare occasions, to be just the tiniest, ever so slightly bit reminiscent of the style used for The Onion.”

As ARN&R appears to be the groundbreaking force in popular culture this week, the staff urges Six Flags New England not to blatantly steal our suggestion that they “use fire hoses to blast pressurized raw human waste at patrons.” Please.

--JCK

Sunday, February 02, 2003

PTC to Branch Out

Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.

But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.

Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.

"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."

--WDL