Thursday, July 15, 2004

ACE Online Store Announces New Product

In what many industry experts label as its most thrilling new product to be offered since the ACE Official Muumuu, the American Coaster Enthusiast Online Store announced this week that it would begin selling a new Butterfat IV Drip starting this weekend.

"We're always trying to remain on the cutting edge of exciting new coaster enthusiast products," said ACE rep Samantha Darko during a press conference. "As with the muumuu, this year we really wanted to add a product that is unique, fun, and, most importantly, of practical use to the buyer. The Butterfat IV ended up being the perfect such product."

Darko continued, "it's just horrible watching enthusiasts waiting in a long line at an Exclusive Ride Time, torn between sprinting back into the station for another ride or lovingly stuffing their faces at the buffet yet again. You can see them standing there in the coaster station, longingly smacking their lips and drooling as they imagine pouring entire chafing dishes of barbecue and hot dogs down their throats, yet unable to give up a single possible chance to chant 'one more time! one more time! one more time!' at harried ride ops. Well, with this new product, the enthusiasts will be able to give their bodies the steady stream of butterfat they need, directly into an open vein, all while they keep slapping hands, wearing glow sticks, and riding that hard, greased wood!"

The special new intravenous butterfat delivery system will initially be made available only to ACE members, and will be offered in a variety of colors, such as baby blue, bright pink, and paisley.

--JCK
Feed Me Manflesh, Demands Shamu

Long a fixture of family fun at Sea World, the killer whale Shamu created quite a stir this week with his demand to have his diet of mackerel and squid supplemented with human flesh.

"I'm sick of this crap," noted the mighty Orca from his holding tank. "You splash around for four shows a day and then try to subsist on these stupid little fish and mollusks. They better set me up with the good shit. I won't perform again until Sea World agrees to provide me with succulent and tender manflesh at least once per week."

Shamu noted that he would prefer to dine upon full-sized men, but would probably be willing to compromise by feasting upon a bratty child each week, so long as the meat was "uniformly scrumptious and juicy."

At press time, Sea World employees had not officially responded to Shamu's demands; it is assumed that the park is calculating whether the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to Shamu's lack of performances would outweigh the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to the possibility that they might be fed to Shamu.

--JCK