Feed Me Manflesh, Demands Shamu
Long a fixture of family fun at Sea World, the killer whale Shamu created quite a stir this week with his demand to have his diet of mackerel and squid supplemented with human flesh.
"I'm sick of this crap," noted the mighty Orca from his holding tank. "You splash around for four shows a day and then try to subsist on these stupid little fish and mollusks. They better set me up with the good shit. I won't perform again until Sea World agrees to provide me with succulent and tender manflesh at least once per week."
Shamu noted that he would prefer to dine upon full-sized men, but would probably be willing to compromise by feasting upon a bratty child each week, so long as the meat was "uniformly scrumptious and juicy."
At press time, Sea World employees had not officially responded to Shamu's demands; it is assumed that the park is calculating whether the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to Shamu's lack of performances would outweigh the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to the possibility that they might be fed to Shamu.