Sunday, January 29, 2006

Six Flags Moves to Broadway

(ARN&R) -- Six Flags, Inc., the well-known international theme park chain, has just announced it is moving its corporate headquarters to New York City to take advantage of, as Chief Executive Mark Shapiro said, the ability to "promote the brand in a leading center of entertainment, media and finance."

ARN&R today learned that Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who engineered a takeover of the chain, has been in negotiations with well-known songwriter Stephen Schwartz to bring "Six Flags: The Musical" to Broadway.

Shapiro confirmed this in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "It seemed the perfect time, with Disney owning an entire city block near 42nd Street, to bring true family amusements to life in the most famous theatrical district in the world."

Snyder wrote the libretto for the musical himself, and is purportedly very excited to be working with the legendary Schwartz, who will write the music. The story will revolve around the exploits of a guest at a Six Flags park, played by ESPN commentator Scoop Jackson, who brings his family to spend a fun-filled day only to discover that the Wizard of Burke has taken over the park and populated it with Looney Tunes characters.

Jackson, in a spectacular series of chorus and dance numbers, must challenge the Looney Tunes characters to a battery of Xtreme Sports contests. And as expected, it's a happy ending as all the tired cartoon characters are handily defeated in comically violent ways and replaced by the much-beloved Disney characters. The finale features Jackson waltzing with Goofy to a show-stopping number entitled, "Be a Sport at Six Flags."

The show is expected to be an even bigger smash than their Mr. Six campaign. (In fact, the Wizard of Burke himself will be played by the elder Six Flags representative and will have to fight Jackson in a climactic nunchuck battle.) Shapiro fully expects the Broadway smash to be turned into a flop movie. "We're in New York now," he declared, "and we want to strictly follow the grand tradition of Broadway."

Shapiro noted that, in keeping with current Six Flags policy, all snacks at the concession stand will be double their usual price and once audience members enter the theater they will not be allowed to leave until the very end. Additionally, a sullen teenager will be a seemingly immobile bathroom "attendant" in the theater. "We want to make sure our guest experience is a quality one," he said, holding back a laugh.

--JRD

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Comic Mastermind Strikes Again

Several years after her ground-breaking work first appeared at Worlds of Fun, in the form of the irrepressibly unique artistic act of giving an onboard ride camera the bird, legendary attack comic Shana Golden, 19, is at it again, bringing a new dimension of avant-garde, in-your-face theatrics to the masses.

This morning, at a public restroom at Six Flags Magic Mountain, Golden unleashed a new era in the comedic arts by defacing a hot-air hand-dryer. Originally manufactured to include written instructions such as "Push button" and "Rub hands gently under warm air," the machine, after Golden's assault, now says "Push butt" and "Rub hands gently under arm air."

"That the most hilarious and original thing I've ever seen," said comic Chris Rock. "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that. To think, all these years those hand dryers have been sitting in trillions of public bathrooms, with those words just waiting to be messed with, and she came up with that. It's never, ever, been done before and it's a revolution in comedy."

"Sheer genius," added George Carlin. "'Push butt.' So simple, and yet so perfect. In the history of the universe, I bet no one has ever had the incredible creativity it takes to even think about scratching some letters out on a bathroom appliance. But this one, single, forward-thinking mastermind not only came up with the general idea, she came up with the perfect way of utilizing it to both make people laugh very hard and to shock them into rethinking their entire way of life. That's powerful."

But it isn't just that, according to experts. "This type of installation is part of a raw, underground movement that is redefining how we look at and appreciate art," says art historian Dr. Bevel Lestrange. "The way this work speaks to the people of Earth, and the deeper philosophical questions it raises, mark this woman as perhaps the most significant and unique artist since Jasper Johns, or perhaps even Jackson Pollock. Mark my words, this sort of unique and rebellious, but brilliant, vision of contemporary society will form a revolution in how art is perceived and appreciated."

According to another Magic Mountain guest, Golden also left a big turd in one of the toilets and didn't flush.

--JCK

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Six Flags Debuts New Proposal: "Forced Re-Entry"

Following the dismal failure of their proposed "no re-entry" plan, Six Flags has countered with an idea that appears to go in the opposite direction: "forced re-entry."

Faced with market data that shows that most consumers do not return for subsequent visits after one trip to their notoriously poorly maintained, overpriced and understaffed parks, Six Flags has decided to offer a "forced re-entry" discount for park goers who are arriving at the gates for the first time.
Unsuspecting first time park visitors will be offered a $15 discount -- reducing most one-day park passes to around $65 (or $20 with a Jolt Cola can) -- and a free meal at "Del Rio Waffle Cone" so long as they sign a contract obligating them to return to Six Flags at one other point during the season. In the likely event that the park-goer swears to never return to a Six Flags park after his or her nightmarish day of closed rides; multiple hour wait times; rude and psychotic employees; and absurdist "theming" that bears a remarkable resemblance to miles of pavement, graffiti, and garbage; the contract will be fulfilled by having several of the Six Flags security staff going to the park-goer's home later in the season and forcing that person's family, most likely with physical violence, to return to the park with the order to "have fun." Faced with such an impossible task, Six Flags is predicting a suicide rate for "forced re-entry" guests of approximately 75%, but, on the upside, only after the family has paid for the second day's re-admission and is already in the park and has likely been forced to purchase at least one meal.

Six Flags hopes this new "forced re-entry" plan will work as well as it did for the Washington Redskins, who implemented the plan in the mid-nineties, leading to a 32% increase in late season attendance and a 15% rise in per capita suicide rates for the District of Columbia.

--MOS

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Stratosphere Tower Announces New Hirings

Citing "catastrophic damage" caused by teens flocking to the amusements at the summit of the Las Vegas landmark Stratosphere Tower, representatives of the building announced today that they would be hiring an additional 5000 employees to be assigned to the janitorial staff. Approximately 500 of the new cleaning staff will augment current staff whose duties include maintaining the building's elevators, restaurants, and common hallways, while the remaining approximately 4500 will serve solely at the top of the Stratosphere in the newly rechristened "Triple Thrills" amusement zone.

"This revitalized thrill zone has, frankly, been a catastrophe for the Stratosphere," said Supervising V.P. of Public Indoctrination Harold Coetzee. "I must admit, we specifically angled only to the teen audience with our new ride area name and marketing. In fact, we're pretty sure that the phallic imagery inherent in our 1,149-foot engorged priapus of a building was already subliminally attracting youngsters to our facility."

"However, it may be that we overdid it with that marketing campaign," he added. "When we ordered visitors to 'Get Down, Get Up, and Get Off,' we just didn't consider how literal-minded teens are, nor the fact that they are always incredibly horny."

Current cleaning crew members have reported being utterly overwhelmed by an assault of bodily fluids from visitors. "Just when I've cleaned up one puddle of semen, another couple gets down," complained an employee who asked not to be named. "And it's just disgusting how much they are all getting off all over the rides and the loading platforms. I'm the one who has to clean that mess up, and naturally I'm the one who will be blamed if someone slips in some spooge and goes flying off the side of the building. I didn't sign on to this place to be a damn jizz mopper."

Coetzee noted that the new rush of employees would stem the tide of the problem. "With this many janitors available on the top of the building, we know that there will always be enough crew on hand with some paper towels, a mop, and some Windex, ready to whisk away any unsightly servings of Man Mole that splatter on the walkways and railings."

When asked why security would allow visible hard-ons, coitus, and epidemic masturbation in a public area, Coetzee chuckled nervously and said, "Well, we painted ourselves into a corner there, didn't we? I mean, it's right there in our advertising that people can get down, get up, or get off. Whether we intended it to be taken that way is not the point; as long as one person believes that it means they can 'make their own Big Shot,' we make ourselves vulnerable to false-advertising lawsuits from those upset that they are being denied something they were promised."

"Hey," he added. "At least we weren't like Lake Compounce a few years back, telling park visitors 'You Will Go Down!' That was just stupid."

--JCK (from an idea by SPS. Actually, it was more like poor SPS sent the link to the advertisement and made fun of how blatantly it was angled at teens, and we really went gross with it, so blame JCK, not him.)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Are Any of Our Readers Actually Hoping to Read Amusement Industry Satire?

That's the question of the day after we idly browsed our logfiles last night after not thinking to do so for a while. The answer appears to be a resounding "F*ck no!" according to the evidence.

The top search phrase used to find our website the past four months, by an overwhelming margin, has been "hairy boys." We've also been reached numerous times by people looking for "gay speedo," "squeal like a pig," and "boys restroom."

Recently, people who appear to be very confused about what type of website they're looking for have come across us by Googling for "erotic massage" and "anal sexy." Sorry you folks didn't find anything to jerk yourselves to, but we hope you'll return to find out some more fake news involving Six Flags. Oh, and speaking of jerking it, there was also a weird direct link from a website devoted to instructing people on how to use shower heads for better masturbation. No, we're not kidding. There's no way we could make up something that weird. As a courtesy to our readers, we won't provide you with a link back to said site, since we don't know how good your spyware filters are.

Unsurprisingly, there were also a few non-sexual odd search strings as well. We've got some people inquiring about "Top Thrill Dragster picture of girl pee after ride," and then we have several more hits for "pimp Mickey Mouse," which we don't even pretend to understand.

And, amazingly, we beat out nearly every science-based website on the planet when someone searched Google for "ligand rumors." If anyone would like to cite us in a scholarly biological, medical or immunological publication, please contact us at the email address to the left; if not, you may wish to try Pubmed instead.

--JCK

Monday, January 23, 2006

Total In Your Face Site O' the Weak

We had plenty of options to choose from when debating our Site O' the Weak this time around. Should we mock the loser who got picked on by a Men in Black ride op? Or, since we spend so much time picking on enthusiasts, should we instead turn our sights on hapless members of the general public?

Oh, very well, twist our arms. The general public it is. And our target today is the food service section of the Disney World & Orlando Unofficial Guide. Actually, we should clarify that: it's not the Unofficial Guide itself that deserves any scorn. This website actually has a considerable amount of useful information for people visiting Orlando. However, some of the public-submitted reviews posted in the restaurant guide are hilarious, and it's specifically those that get the backs of our hands. Here's a sampling:

I hate hotdogs, but i'll only eat them here cause they are to die for. There so juicy and big, the incredable.

I almost cried when I first tried my burger it was so amazing. I think it is one of the best restaurants in all of magic kingdom. You get to choise all of your own toppins, so its all good.


And our favorite:

I wanted to go here cause i've loved pinochio since i waz a baby. And when we were on its a small world we say a restaurant way way up and people waving to us. We said we had to go there. So we did, and guess what! it waz pinochio. I waz thriled. I suggest you buy the figaro fries. They have bacon, cheesse, lettuce, and tomato, and they were to die for. And they did go easy on anything. It waz a total in your face how good it is meal. And my mom had a pasta salad she said waz good. 2 thumbs way up!

Overpriced weeks-old slop goes great with preschool-level writing skills, doesn't it?

--JCK

Friday, January 20, 2006

Daniel Snyder Announces New Plans for Six Flags

Following Daniel Snyder's successful takeover bid of Six Flags Incorporated, the billionaire owner of the Washington Redskins has issued a statement through his corporation, Red Zone, regarding substantial changes he plans to make at Six Flags parks in the upcoming years. According to the statement, the following alterations and improvements will be effective immediately upon the start of the 2006 operating season:

1)Ticket prices for all Six Flags properties will be "repriced". In order to raise the appropriate revenue stream for Six Flags shareholders, the former price of season passes and individual tickets will be raised to the power of nine for the repricing.

2) Parking fees will be altered and Premium Parking will be offered at all parks. Guests will be offered the option of buying Premium Parking in an actual Six Flags park for the low price of 1000 dollars per visit, while standard parking will still be available for those who do not wish to upgrade. Those selecting the standard parking option, which costs 30 dollars per visit, will conveniently park in a massive new Six Flags overflow lot in North Dakota, where they can walk to their Six Flags park destination via convenient pedestrian bridges or, for five dollars extra, take the tram.

3) Replace the annoying Mr. Six and outdated Loony Tunes mascots with new, family-friendly racist caricatures. Initially, parks will merely feature a bigoted portrayals of Native Americans popularized by Snyder's Redskins franchise, but the statement assures stockholders that anyone else not pasty-white and of Northern European descent can look forward to being denigrated by wonderfully offensive mascots designed specifically by Six Flags to insult them.

4) Naming rights for various parks will be sold to corporations willing to pay top dollar. Already announced have been the changes of Six Flags America to Fedex Park, Six Flags Over Georgia to Phillips Park, and Frontier City to Billy Joe Bob's House of Auto Repair, Mini-golf, and Possum Huntin'.

5) Steve Spurrier will be hired as head of creative development, a move intended to make use of Spurrier's utter genius at a level commensurate with that he displayed during his tenure as Redskins head coach.

6) Begin a new advertising campaign for the chain based around the slogan "Clean, Safe, Fun." As there are not currently any parks in the chain that fulfill any portion of this new slogan, footage of parks not owned by Six Flags will be used in the campaign.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: This piece originally appeared in slightly different form as part of our first Podcast, which can still be heard here. And don't soil your pretty little britches, we'll have another one of those out before you know it.]
Six Flags Announces Division in Charge of Making New Divisions

Six Flags (NYSE:PKS) announced today that it has formed a new Divisions Division to enhance and evolve its new Executive naming, hiring and announcing strategies.

Martin Stevenson III has been named Senior VP of Press Releases. Mr. Stevenson has extensive experience at (anybody wanna guess?) ESPN-Disney. He strategically planned over 10,000 press releases and interviews that said lots and lots of abso-freaking-lutely nothing, leaving readers both strategically puzzled and slightly annoyed. "And he’ll make sure no one will EVER be quoted in Crony...whoops, Executive Hiring releases but me," chortled new CEO Mark Shapiro.

Luigi "Fat Knuckles" Marconi has been named Executive Senior VP of Strategic Divestitures. Mr. Marconi has vast experience in a number of totally and completely legitimate businesses. His focus will be former executives' exit planning: Out the door, the window, or--if it’s gotta be like that--with the fishies. Reporting to him will be just about no one who likes staying healthy.

Jack Kemp has been named Chief Golden Parachute Officer. No one knows exactly what he’ll be doing, but what the hell. He’s Jack Kemp!

Senior Chief Executives of Superlatives, Culinary Planning (hey, somebody’s gotta go fetch lunch!) and Just Plain Not Sucking will be named in a future press release. Unless, of course, says Shapiro, "we need a new Division to handle that instead. You just never know."

--CO

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

E.T. Frustrates Universal Studios Visitor

A recent visitor to Universal Studios theme park in Orlando, Florida, stated today that he was "blatantly ignored" yesterday by the animatronic E.T. at the end of The E.T. Adventure ride. Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III reports that he was "very upset" that the ride refused to acknowledge him while clearly thanking many other people on the ride by name for saving his planet.

"There's obviously some sort of conspiracy going on against me here," said Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "I gave my name at the beginning of the ride just like everyone else, and I turned in the little passport thing to an attendant just like everyone else, and yet E.T. did not see fit to thank me for my services. That little prick."

Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III further noted that, not only did various strangers on his bike receive personalized thanks from the alien, but the other members of his party, Dr. Tom Smith, Dr. Jen Johnson, and Dr. John Jones, had their names spoken.

Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III, who has achieved worldwide acclaim for his research on FUKS Syndrome and the alarming effects of tacky amusement park hillbilly theming, stated that he would be demanding his admission fee back for being slighted by E.T., and that he would ponder taking further legal action.

--JCK

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Theming Details of Patriot Revealed

Coaster enthusiasts and the general amusement-park visiting public of Kansas/Missouri were flush with excitement after the announcement by Kansas City-area Worlds of Fun that the park would debut a new Bolliger & Mabillard-designed inverted steel coaster called Patriot in 2006. Now the expectations for the ride will be raised a degree, as Worlds of Fun today revealed plans for the theming of the ride, as well as the surprise that "Patriot" was only part of the name for the attraction.

The full name will be "Patriot Whine."

"Most people assumed Worlds of Fun was just trying to draw red-blooded Americans into the gates with a USA-themed ride," said WOF Customer Relations Undersecretary Beatrice Colvin. "In actuality, the coaster will be themed to the fact that the New England Patriots and their fans are a bunch of sorry-ass whining crybabies who can't accept a butt-whupping with any dignity."

The coaster will be the culmination of a story-driven multi-sensory thrill experience that offers several different rooms that make use of water and mud special effects, animatronics, 360-degree movies, and other, as-yet-unannounced, forms of stimulation.

As park guests wind their way through the attraction, they will see some of the following:

-The Belichick Hall of Mighty Genius, where, on massive Imax screens accompanied by special effects, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will claim that the Patriots only lost their playoff game against the Denver Broncos because the refs cheated and made a bunch of bad calls against his team. He will also refuse to do some simple math equations that show the refs made one idiotic pass interference penalty against Asante Samuel that led to Denver getting 7 gift points, and Denver won by 14 points, meaning the idiotic interference call was not the reason the team was beaten. Belichick will continue whining like a little bitch over the referees even when it is pointed out that the Patriots were able to go to two of their recent Super Bowls as a direct result of two infamous instances of referee idiocy against the teams that the Pats were playing: the Tuck Play (2002) against the Raiders and the refs allowing the Patriot D to pretty much grab, hold, tackle, trip, or sodomize any Colt receiver from the line of scrimmage up to 50 yards (2004). At no point will Belichick be a man and admit that a better team forced a ton of turnovers and generally pounded his ass.

-The Tom Brady Experience, where an animatronic doll of Tom Brady will be sycophantically fawned over for five years by all the nation's sports reporters, to the point where all of them practically offer on the air to suck his dick whenever it's convenient for him. Then, during the playoffs, he will inexplicably lash out that the media doesn't respect him and The Man is holding him down, and after the loss he will say that Denver only won because the Patriots screwed up and kept dropping the ball, apparently all on their own and not because Denver players kept hitting them really, really hard. Experts who have been allowed to tour the under-construction ride say that the Tom Brady animatronic figure is amazing, and will engage in "astonishingly realistic pouting, whining, and crying."

-Upon boarding the ride, another animatronic figure, this one of linebacker Tedy Bruschi, will leap out and inform riders that they need to "get the f*ck out of my face," after which he will sulk in a corner and sniffle. At this point, passengers will be treated to a high-speed inverted coaster ride with several jaw-dropping loops, while sounds of various Patriots players being very sore losers and throwing shrill temper tantrums are piped in through a state-of-the-art speaker system installed within each coaster car.

Patriot Whine is expected to open along with the rest of Worlds of Fun this April.

--JCK

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Mall of America to Theme Indoor Park to Prince

In a stunning move widely seen as a bellweather for the theme park industry, Bloomington, Minnesota’s Camp Snoopy park has announced they will rename their seven-acre complex Paisley Park and theme it to the life and times of eclectic local has-been Prince.

"He was thrilled to lend his name to a park where he’s tall enough to ride everything," gasped Nader Ghermezian, representing Mall management. "And not only do we save licensing fees, but the costs of re-theming, too. We’ll just grab a crayon, scrawl ‘Slave’ on Snoopy’s right cheek and voila! We’re done!"

"People already yelp my signature high-pitched bitch-squeal on these rides every day," quipped His Purpleness, licking his fingers and touching himself in ways we won’t mention. "Now they can feel even more nauseous listening to my greatest hits in line or combing racks of oddly asexual size 3 clothes in the gift shop. Ahhhh-ooo-OOOOH!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Darling Nikki did WHAT with a magazine?" asked bewildered 7 year-old Josh Jorgensen, waiting for the Billy Jack Bitchsaw roller coaster (formerly known as the Pepsi Ripsaw). "I couldn’t hear the words through your fingers!"

The Park formerly known as Something Else before Being Named after the Artist formerly known as Prince But Now Kinda known as Prince Any Damn Way will start selling Purple tickets 4 U January 19th.

--CO

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Cedar Point to Debut Upscale Quick Service Food Stand

Cedar Point, an amusement park located near Sandusky, Ohio, has announced a partnership with renowned chef Jacques Saindoux to create an upscale fast food counter within the park. Saindoux received two Michelin stars for his former Paris bistro Accaparer des Cerveaux, and later achieved widespread critical acclaim and a rare Mobil Five-Star rating for his New York-based fusion restaurant Beurre d'Homme, and his hiring by Cedar Point is a seen by the park as "an absolute coup," according to Vice President of Food Service Development Lance Skula.

"At Cedar Point," said Skula, "we are always looking to improve the dining experience. We have full-service restaurants like Macaroni's and the Red Garter saloon, and of course we offer a massive selection of quick service establishments around every corner. But this year, we felt it might be time to cater to our upscale clientele. After all, if a pizza lover can get a great slice at the Hofbrau, shouldn't a caviar lover be able to get caviar, and get it fast?"

Saindoux and his staff will take over the former White Water Refreshments in Frontiertown, converting the food stand into the completely redesigned Jus de Bout in time for the start of the 2006 operating season. Among the delectable menu items, all prepared for busy customers within one minute of the order being placed, are the following:

-Five-spice sea scallops and seared foie gras, with port wine fig reduction over parsnip puree, on a stick.

-The finest raw Kobe beef carpaccio, pounded thin and served with arugula, parmigiano-reggiano shavings, and a drizzle of truffle oil, on a stick.

-Free-range, hand-slaughtered, Moroccan-spiced loin of lamb, served with creamy rosemary polenta and haricot vert, on a stick.

-Certified organic filet of beef, with caramelized shallots and roasted garlic smashed potatoes, topped with sauce of local Pinot Noir and gorgonzola, on a stick.

-Wild line-caught tuna steak, crusted in four types of peppercorns and Chinese black tea leaves, seared rare and served over saffron-lobster risotto, on a stick.

Saindoux himself will be serving Cedar Point visitors on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. On other days, he will be in New York supervising the staff at Beurre d'Homme, while his accomplished sous-chef Eric Podrido will head the Cedar Point stand.

--JCK

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Six Flags Announces Further New Plans

In a press conference yesterday, Daniel Snyder announced future plans for Six Flags.

The plans included previously made statements, such as upping prices for tickets, focusing more on park atmosphere and cleanliness, and the removal of Mr. Six from all advertising campaigns.

However, Snyder announced a few more changes -- namely, the removal of all rides from Six Flags parks, the selling of all park land, and the addition of a new mascot, Mr. Safe:


Six Flags's New Mascot, Mr. Safe

When questioned about the changes, Snyder replied with the following:

"My original plan was to simply reduce ride construction, sell off all excess land so that we wouldn?t be tempted to spend money on expanding our parks, and remove the extremely offensive and unclean Mr. Six from marketing by replacing him with a new slogan -- 'Clean, safe, fun!' However, as my colleagues and I got to thinking, we realized that we could save even more money by cutting costs on our currently existing rides and facilities. We decided the best way to do this was to simply get rid of everything, sell all park land, and keep the parking lots so that we still make a profit! It was a win-win situation! Mr. Safe was also an excellent addition to our marketing team. We believe his style and look represent the new type of sterile fun we want our guests to have."

When asked about the fate of the currently existing rides, Snyder replied: "We will sell everything except the roller coasters, which will be melted down to make parking meters. Our lots aren't free, you know."

The reaction from the industry has been uproar. A reporter attempted to reach Robert Iger, CEO of Disney, for comment, but only managed to catch a glimpse of Iger, who was laughing maniacally and crossing ?Six Flags? off of a list entitled "To Kill."

A member of ACE attended the press conference and attempted to rush Snyder's podium upon hearing the new changes. He was quickly stopped by Snyder's bouncer, however, who distracted him with a donut.

--SPS

[Ed. Note: Our podcast's second episode features additional Six Flags plans.]

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Man Discovers Faith at Screamscape

Area engineer Ralph Lickshaft, 36, was a troubled man until recently. Although he felt that somewhere out there was a higher power, and he described himself as "somewhat spiritual," he had never found the religion that suited him.

"I just didn't know for sure what I believed," he said. "I had so many questions about various belief systems that I sometimes worried that I was truly lost. Is there a God? Did his son die for me? Might the mysticism of the East really be the answer? If I joined the Scientologists, would they let me fertilize myself with Tom Cruise's beautiful semen? I just didn't know."

Fortunately, all of Lickshaft's questions were answered accidentally by a recent visit to the amusement park news and rumors website Screamscape. On one of the pages, Lickshaft saw, amongst the seventeen billion other advertisements, a Fastclick banner proclaiming "Which religion is right for you? Find the Faith that fits. Take the free religion test." Along with the slogan, the ad listed several possible religions with helpful pictures.

"Naturally, I clicked on the advertisement," said the man. "I needed answers for how to conduct my life. After browsing the helpful link, I decided that Christianity and Hinduism were pretty cool, but clearly the right choice for me was to become a Hare Krishna."

Thank you for resolving all of life's mysteries for me, Screamscape!" he added.

--JCK

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Pedro "Sez" His Website Sucks

Anyone unfortunate enough to be driving on I-95 in the vicinity of the Carolinas is well aware of the existence of South of the Border: a tacky, offensive, Mexican-themed area featuring overpriced stores, bathrooms you have to pay to use, a small amusement park called Pedroland, and an overwhelming aroma of urine. It's located just over the North Carolina border into South Carolina. The reason anyone who has ever driven on I-95 knows about this place is because there are obnoxious, giant billboards advertising it approximately every three feet for about five hundred miles in either direction.

Tragically, however, there are many people who have never endured this drive, but South of the Border has made giant efforts to reach out to these lost souls with its wondrous website. A website that has received the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award for this week.

Let's begin by saying how incredible the Pedroland front page is. It has the requisite eye-catching/blinding yellow border, complete with one small picture to give you the true feel of the park. All of the rides are listed on the main page as well, with absolutely no information about them except their names, seeing as how everyone knows what a "Quadzilla" is.

You are then treated to the awesome promotions the park does, with lines like the following, printed exactly as they appear on the website:

Or, play indoor golf at The Golf of Mexico...Pedro sez: "If you haven't played The Golf of Mexico, then you ain't played the game!".

We guess their mini golf is good; after all, if Pedro "sez" it's true, then it "ain't" be wrong!

You can then go the information page to learn of all the fantastic things to do when you plan your "family vacation" to Pedroland Park, like eating at their incredible restaurants or staying at their five-star motels. Be sure to book the classy "heir-conditioned" honeymoon suite if you knocked that chick up and need to wed her quick before Pappy gets out that shotgun.

Of course, Pedro isn't shy about ripping you off, either. One of the most comprehensive pages in the whole site is the novelty and souvenir shops page. Again, very comprehensive.

And don't worry if you forget your camera. The place has fabulous pictures, too. Let's see - judging by these pictures, the famous "Golf of Mexico" mini-golf that Pedro "sez" is so wonderful seems to be your basic outdoor course stored inside a warehouse. You can also show off pictures of a Giant Sombrero observation platform, Gorilla, a T-Shirt shop, and a weird "Big Man" mascot. They'll be so jealous.

Heck, Pedro even has a page where you can see just how far you are from his park. This is where people who have not seen South of the Border, but only experienced it online, discover that Pedro's Park is not in Mexico at all, but in wonderful South Carolina.

Oh, and don't forget the "cultured" parts of Pedro's pages, the parts where he offends all Hispanics everywhere with his obnoxious Americanized and stereotyped accent:

BUENS DIAS, AMIGO! pedro VER' GLAD YOU COME!!pedro got 112 meelion amigos, who stay weeth heem, opp teel now all satisfy come back, send frans...thees make pedro ver' HAPPEE...like for frans come back all time...pedro hope YOU make 112 meelion and wan hapee amigos! you come back soon, too, yes? Find your distance to Pedro's!

Yes, that's a direct quote. Or how about this one?

Pedro sez: "eef you follow pedro's signz, ze treep seem MOCH shorter!"

Great work, Pedroland. Making America more cultured and less bigoted by the minute.

--SPS

Monday, January 02, 2006

NCAA Adds Another Bowl Game in 2006-2007

Despite arguments by many sports reporters and college athletics experts that there are already far too many Division I-A football bowl games, the NCAA announced today that it will be adding a another one beginning with the 2006-2007 season.

The AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will take place on scenic Wake Island, and will feature the ninth-placed team from the Mid-American Conference against the sixth-place team from the Sun Belt Conference. The roller coaster satire blog Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors made the best competitive bid to attach their corporate logo to the lucrative bowl, reportedly beating out such large-scale commercial ventures as McDonald's, Six Flags, and Billy Joe's House of Lamn Mower Repairs, Pizza Delivery, Mini-Golf & Swamp Tours.

"This is a major step for our website in reaching a large audience and asserting ourselves to the American public," stated the website's Grand Poobah in a press conference. "We have seen the figures that show how many people tune in to view, say, Kansas versus Houston in the Ft. Worth Bowl, or Akron versus Memphis in the Motor City Bowl, or someone I totally forget in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Those numbers are intimidatingly huge, and we plan to maximize our exposure with a similarly synergetic relationship to our bowl game in the years to come."

Although the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl did not exist this year, it would theoretically have pitted 4-7 Eastern Michigan against 4-7 Troy. NCAA regulations require teams to have at least six Division I-A victories in order to be allowed to compete in a bowl game, but officials have already stated that, should the Sun Belt and MAC not provide enough bowl-eligible teams to play in the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl, alternates can be chosen from any loser team from a major conference that barely managed a winning record against primarily patsies, or, if necessary, a local middle school team.

The inaugural AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will debut on December 21st of 2006 at 4:00 AM EST. It will be broadcast on the Oxygen Network.

--JCK
New Cedar Point Attraction: Causeway Stro!!

ARN&R received this press release from Cedar Fair LP:

NEW ATTRACTION SECOND OF ITS KIND IN REGION, IN NATION
Attraction Will Create Unusual Link Between Ohio, Cedar Point

Sandusky, OH – January 2, 2006 – Cedar Fair earlier today unveiled its latest venture: The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!. Spanning a small part of Lake Erie and connecting Sandusky and Cedar Point, the Stro!! will be a tremendous tourist attraction.

“There’s nothing like this in the nation or even in the northern hemisphere, except maybe one that's coming in Cincinnati,” said Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel.

“Between our new chain restaurants and our new chain hotels, Sandusky is enjoying a growing reputation as a location rather near an amusement park,” stated a Sandusky city spokesman. “The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!, especially with its sassy use of exclamation points, is certainly another feature sure to draw the interest of those both near and far.”

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! is an adventure for the young, old and everyone in between. Starting at one end of the causeway leading to Cedar Point, strollers will embark upon a unique journey that will take them upwards of ten feet above water level and within feet of minivans and SUVs driven by enormous tourists, providing them with a bird’s eye view of Lake Erie. (Read "bird" as "penguin" or "other bird with wing injuries.") At the midpoint of the causeway, climbers will turn ninety degrees and face the lake for several seconds, admiring the splash of surf in their face and the odor of exhaust from behind. Strollers will also walk within four feet of a parking attendant's booth to get a close-up look at its architecture. During the trip, experienced guides will share stories about the history of parking at Cedar Point and recreate a dramatic and contentious city council meeting at which Sandusky considered a parking tax.

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will be constructed of an 18-inch shoulder on the road. To ensure participants’ safety during the stroll, each will be outfitted with a special stroll suit, consisting of a reflective vest, and provided with state-of-the-art trash-collecting tools, with which they will be allowed to collect discarded cans, fast-food wrappers, and the like.

Construction on the D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will begin this winter and the attraction is scheduled to open in Spring 2006. Cost of tickets will start around $60 per person, with an additional $5 surcharge for each pound of trash collected (which participants will be allowed to keep).

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Resolution

We, the staff of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, resolve the following:

We will only report news that is absolutely factual and accurate, and we will make nothing up. We will no longer focus our barbed keyboards upon the beautiful, innocent, and special coaster enthusiast community. We will no longer insult this great nation's fine amusement parks. We will instead be a positive force in the industry, giving deep respect to the wonderful, unselfish and brilliant coaster enthusiast community and park chains such as Six Flags.

Oh, wait. What did you say the date was? Oh! Sorry, we've been out drinking heavily. We got confused and thought it was April 1st. Apparently, it's actually January 1st. Please disregard the preceding paragraph entirely.

--JCK