Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Dumbass ARN&R Reporter Forgets Suntan Lotion, Gets Hideously Sunburned

Thousands of enthusiasts, as many as 3% of them taking unapproved leave from work, ran to the streets cheering and sounding air horns to celebrate the fact that a major contributor to ARN&R forgot his stupid suntan lotion for an all-day commercial shoot at Lake Compounce, and succeeded in pretty much burning himself to death.

“AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!” said the reporter as he woke up this morning. “AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Then he yelled some other really nasty things we won’t print in a G-rated family publication like ARN&R, as he rubbed ineffective Aloe salve and Neosporin on bright red, flaming, itching swaths of hopelessly damaged skin.

“This kicks ass,” said Josh Weinberg, 15, a Kansas enthusiast. “That bastard is always making fun of enthusiasts. Now God has punished him for his wickedness. Let us all pray for his eternal soul to be violated and probed endlessly by Satan in the fiery mouth of Hell for claiming we eat too much at buffets and don’t get dates.”

“Man, this sucks,” whined the reporter. “How could I forget suntan lotion? I was basting away out there for hours.” He then paused to peel off several hunks of blistered flesh that had suffered what may be third-degree burns. “Now I know what it feels like to be Cajun blackened. Help me! It burns! It buuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssssssss!” He then began examining twenty or thirty violent melanomas that had sprouted overnight.

Later, after sticking his entire face in a bucket of ice for twenty minutes, the reporter was a bit calmer. “It’s really a disappointment. I was sure I’d find something great to mock or amuse myself with during the day at Lake Compounce. You stand anywhere near 50 or 60 enthusiasts all day, and you’ve got yourself some cannon fodder. I mean, there was that kid who I’m pretty sure was on crack running around flapping his arms and screaming “By myself! By Myself!” for some reason. There was some dude whose pants dropped to his ankles. There were these funny little girls who kept making sure to point out a big pile of bird doo by one of the coasters.

“And the guy playing the father in the commercial announced himself to us without provocation as ‘The Father,’ and made big quote marks in the air with his fingers to indicate his important title. That was all good stuff. But really, making fun of myself was much better than all of those. I am ashamed to admit that I was the stupidest &%$& there, because now I look like a cooked lobster and it hurts even to have a breeze come near my face.” He concluded the interview by whimpering incoherently and begging for Jessica Alba to please come rub Aloe on his forehead.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Buy stuff from our store right now so stupid ARN&R reporters can afford some burn cream.]
IAAPA Response to Ankle, Arm, Torso, Neck, Finger, Toe, Ear and Eye Injuries: "G-Forces Don't Cause Brain Injuries"

The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA") forcefully responded today to reports that virtually every injury reported by amusement park guests involves the guests' ankle, arm, torso, neck, finger, toe, ear, or eye by referring reporters to what it described as a "meticulously performed study by leading researchers into brain injuries resulting from gravitational forces." According to IAAPA, the report concludes that strong G forces do not cause brain injuries in numbers significantly greater than ordinary activities.

"To those people who say that amusement park rides can injure riders' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," declared IAAPA president Clark Robinson. "And for those who note that inadequate restraints, operator error, or unclear instructions cause many of those injuries, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," he concluded.

Six Flags COO Gary Story concurred. "While some may believe that our valued guests' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, and eyes are at risk when they visit our parks, I would like to refer you to the American Association of Neurological Surgeons report that concluded that g-forces pose no threat to their brains. I would also like to note that Dr. Rhea Seddon, a former astronaut and mother of four, has agreed that g-forces pose no threat of brain injuries. You're at no greater risk of brain injury riding a coaster than sneezing!"

When asked if either IAAPA or Six Flags would be commissioning studies of injuries to ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, or studies of restraints, operator training, or the clarity of instructions, Story and Robinson both noted that "the g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries."