Friday, November 07, 2003

Welcome!

To those of you -- 117 so far and counting -- who came upon us by searching for "Paris Hilton crotch," we extend our traditional greeting: Welcome! We write satire about roller coaster enthusiasts and the amusement park industry! We are certain this is precisely what you are looking for!
Tacky Wild West Theming Turns Suave Black Man Into Inbred Redneck

A formerly suave and sophisticated African-American man became a drooling hillbilly within seconds of exposure to tacky theming at Six Flags Great America late this season, say numerous experts.

According to friends and family, coaster enthusiast Darren Carrson was, for much of his 42 years, the very picture of elegance and refinement. Aside from his career as a face model and spokesman for champagne and caviar companies, Carrson was a Rhodes scholar and made three separate "Best-Dressed" lists in regional magazines. More importantly, his noted wit and looks had, in the estimation of his best friends, gotten him "more ass than the Flyers at Phoenix Phall Phunfest." But that all changed in one horrible afternoon.

The incident occurred when Carrson and his "platonic coaster toolmate," Kirk James, 31, made the error of walking into the Wild West area of Six Flags Great America. According to James, the "combination of that Deliverance banjo tune and the stupid door sign were too much for poor Darren this time. Within minutes, he was whistlin' at chicks, spittin' chaw on people's feet, and asking whether the gift shop had any Superman overalls or Batman fishin' poles. It was horrifying."

Experts say that Carrson’s behavior in the days since he was exposed to the lame, stupid theming can only confirm the danger he is in. Apparently, the debonair ladies’ man has been dividing his time between monster truck rallies, bumper rodeo contests, cow tipping, professional wrestling, and growing out his luxuriant mullet. When approached by ARN&R for comment, Carrson refused all comment, save for demanding that we "squeal like a pig, boy."


Early stages of redneckosity manifest themselves beside the offending themed door

"Look at this picture," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The symptoms are as clear as day. Note how the subject's mouth is distended and the eyes have this crazed look to them...he's already substantially on his way to being a completely inbred goat raper, and it may only be a matter of mere hours before he appears on the Jerry Springer show bragging about marrying his twelve-year-old niece or something."

"We can't waste any more time," added Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "This poor gentleman will be a permanent resident of Downtown Chicken F*ck if we don't intervene right now. The only way to save Mr. Carrson from permanently becoming a hillbilly is to strap him down and force him to go cold turkey. No NASCAR, no country line dancing, no gazing longingly at sheep, no outhouse in the front yard, no El Camino up on blocks, and definitely no Confederate flag bandanas on his head. His suffering will be acute, but by the end of two months of this harsh therapy, I believe he will not only survive, but also thrive. And, barring that, at least his neighbors won't have to listen to him blasting that Garth Brooks s*it for a while."

Six Flags Great America released a statement denying that the park is part of a nationwide conspiracy dedicated to converting suave black males into crazed hillbillies.

--JCK
Disneyland, Seeking Hipster Audience, Announces New Wammo Coaster

In a move designed to attract the long-ignored slacker amusement park audience, Disneyland today announced a surprise new attraction for the 2004 season. The ride will be a low-speed non-inverting roller coaster called "The Wammo Coaster: Faster Than the Speed of Suck," and will be themed after the life and loves of Austin, Texas-based performance artist, singer, and poet Wammo.

"We've never really made an effort to go after the crowd of pot-smoking long-hairs who are really into poetry slams and acoustic blues-jazz with occasional country-hip-hop blends thrown in, and now's the time to get them," said Disney spokesman Brian Murdy. "And there's nobody better than Wammo to draw in those crowds!"

Wammo, known both for his solo work (including the album Faster Than the Speed of Suck from which the ride's name was borrowed) and for playing with the Asylum Street Spankers, was said to be pleased with the arrangement.

"I understand they'll be playing Antifreeze in line at some of the kids' rides, and we're talking about setting up a whole themed area at Disney's California Adventure all about my song Beer," said the singer in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

The actual coaster will be built by Vekoma and will feature a new interactive component: Riders will wear specially-designed "beer goggles" designed to make the ride much more attractive and every other person on the ride seem far more attractive.

The singer's smash hit single "Hick Hop" will be played by very small musicians in each coaster train, reflecting the singer's strong preference to avoid what he calls "the demon electricity" in the amplification or creation of music.