Friday, April 09, 2004

Geauga Lake Announces "Beaver Land"

With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.

"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."

Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."

Other rides will include:

-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.

-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.

-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.

-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.

-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."

"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."

"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.