Monday, May 31, 2004

Holiday World Starting To Think They Shouldn't Have Pissed Off That Gypsy

So far in this short season, Holiday World has endured major flooding, potential cicada invasions, and tornado warnings. Less-publicized have been the rains of deformed frogs, Raging Rapids' rivers running red with blood, and, oddly, given the extensive food service offerings, widespread famine in all corners of the park. ARN&R has learned that the popular park's management is beginning to suspect that perhaps they shouldn't have thrown out a Gypsy last year for smoking in the line for Legend.

"Hey, the sign said non-smoking," said Will Koch, president of the park in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "And she was smoking. And she also kept muttering bizarre incantations and pointing ominously at the people next to her in line, but we didn't have any 'No Bizarre Incantations' sign up at the time, though we sure do now. We told her politely to stop smoking, but she said she'd paid for her pack of Camel Reds and she was going to get every bit of enjoyment out of them. That's when security called me."

Koch then went to the line to attempt to resolve the situation. Immediately upon seeing Koch, though, the gypsy began shrieking obscenities (largely in other languages) and shaking violently, saying she recognized him "from her days visiting Hell." Koch said he was forced to carry her out by force, somehow maintaining his excellent hair despite her thrashing.

"The last thing she said was that we would rue the day we threw her out and something about a pox on all our houses," continued Koch, shaking his head. "I figured she'd send a letter to the Better Business Bureau or post something obnoxious on ThrillNetwork's Gypsy Enthusiast board. But I'm starting to think we really shouldn't have pissed her off. All this stuff that's happened this year is starting to freak me out. And I haven't really told anyone, but I've started to lose hair in huge chunks, and I keep waking up screaming in Latvian, and I don't even know Latvian!"

At press time, Koch was wandering the abandoned tunnels under Grand Central Station in New York, trying to find a mysterious former Gypsy known only as Bughead, who is purportedly able to reverse Gypsy curses.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Kiddie Park Cancels Installation

ANR&R has learned that Memphis Kiddie Park in Brooklyn, Ohio has been forced to cancel its planned installation of the Super Duper Dipper, which was to have been a record-breaking 560 foot tall, 17,637 feet long hyper-giga floorless looping launched out-and-back coaster.

The Intamin-built coaster, which was to have been completed as a pleasant surprise for CoasterCon XXVII attendies, to go along with the 3 picnics!, 4 breakfasts!, and 2 receptions!, had a planned layout that was to have started at the Kiddie Park, go over Memphis Avenue, through the American Greetings headquarters, through a dramatic heartline spin between the screens of the Memphis Drive-In Movie theater, and touring around most of the neighboring village of Linndale before finally coming to rest at the station.

"We were hoping that this would be an exciting addition to the Park. But the speed limit through neighboring Linndale is only 25mph. In order to have afforded the speeding fines, the ticket prices would have had to be set at $177 per ride," said an official at Memphis Kiddie Park, who wished to remain nameless because her route home takes her through the same Linndale speed trap adjacent to the planned coaster route. "We installed the Little
Dipper in 1952 and we thought it was about time that we updated our image."

Memphis Kiddie Park's new ride this year will instead be a Huss Mini-Frisbee.

The only maps and drawings of the abandoned coaster installation were released to CoasterBuzz, the management of which refused to release them on the grounds that it might fuel unnecessary speculation.

--RAP

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Cedar Fair: "Screw It, Everyone Gets In Free, Does That Make You Happy?"

In response to ongoing controversies about whether the new Geagua Lake, owned by Cedar Fair after its purchase from Six Flags, would honor the coupons and passess issued by Six Flags, Cedar Fair issued a press release today, declaring "Screw it, everyone gets in free. Does that make you happy, for Chrissakes?!"

The issue first arose in connection with Cedar Fair's initial announcement that it would not honor the Six Flags tickets issued in recognition of children's reading. After some uproar among area residents, Cedar Fair agreed to honor the passes. Then, apparently enjoying the experience of being vilified and rapidly reversing itself, Cedar Fair again announced this week that it would not honor passes issued as part of an anti-drug campaign, only to reverse itself within a day.

The evident frustration resulting from these public relations snafus evidently led to today's press release, which continued: "Okay, fine, everyone in northern Ohio -- hell, make it all of Ohio and those inbred f*cks in Kentucky -- gets in free. You know? We'll just get rid of ticket booths, too. Just walk on in for free. Will that make you happy, 'investigative reporters' and 'consumer advocates?' Buncha crybabies. Jesus, what assholes."

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

New Safety Rules Prevent Carousel Injuries

Following the tragic accident on their Superman: Ride of Steel rollercoaster, Six Flags New England has decided to get tough in addressing patron and industry concerns about its dedication to customer safety, says a park rep.

Chief among the new safety measures is the system now being used on the notorious and deadly Carousel of Death at SFNE. Says the rep, "while passengers in days long past, such as last season, had to just sit on their horse or tiger or marmot and face the utter peril of going in a circle at about two miles per hour, we have now created a foolproof system to protect guests as they experience this terrifying and dangerous ride."

The new system consists of a tight seatbelt, which all guests are required to use, and then a ride op individually tells each passenger that he or she must keep two hands on the pole at all times or risk being removed from the ride. "Some people think it's a little drastic to have such severe safety measures on a ride that is essentially incapable of causing so much as a scratched knee due to its low speed and predictable lack of forces," said the rep. "Well, tell me this: has anyone been injured on the Carousel of Death since we enacted these procedures? No. So it works just fine."

The rep added that the new system was only in the test phase, and if ride ops noticed anyone commiting a severe violation of the rules, such as shifting in his or her seat of removing one of the two required hands from the pole to scratch an itch, then more severe measures would be used for the Carousel of Death.

"First, we'll hogtie all the passengers, and stick them on a bench where they can view the empty carousel going in circles. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll hogtie them and then staple them to the benches where they can view the empty carousel going in circles, at least until they pass out from the pain and blood loss. Then, as a last resort, we'll just start assigning seats or something."

--JCK
Bush Orders Demolition of Illinois Coaster

In a little-noticed portion of his Monday-night address, President Bush ordered the destruction of Typhoon, a coaster at Dundee, Illinois-based Santa's Village, citing what he described as "years of pain and torture."

"The evildoers at Top Fun, when designing this coaster, clearly were working in conjunction with the axis of evil," said Bush. "From the intense pain created by the ride's over-the-shoulder restraints to the transitions that were evidently designed by brain-damaged monkeys, this ride is anti-American. It will be a proud day for the decent people of Illinois when it is torn down."

The Bush administration is also reportedly considering targeting the headquarters of Vekoma with a small tactical nuclear warhead.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

CPO (formerly CPC) Head Abandons Coasters, Embraces Stalking

Lee Coaster, known far and wide for his enormously successful Coaster Preservation Organization ("formly" Club), which relocated dozens of abandoned coasters to two wildly successful parks in Indiana and North Carolina, announced today that he has handed over the reins of the CPO to one of his dozens of followers and will now be taking up stalking as a hobby.

"Through my new feature The View, I can indulge my voyeuristic tendencies while telling myself it's all in the name of journalism!" said Coaster (formerly known as Thunder Pussy) in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "No, I've never met the young women I take pictures of and post on the web...actually, I've never met any young women. But I'm certain that taking pictures of them without permission and posting them on my site is just the thing to meet them!"

At press time, the subjects of Coaster's photographs commented, "Eeewwwww."

And for that, young Coaster, you get to be our Site O' The Weak!

Monday, May 24, 2004

Enthusiast Not So Enthusiastic

When asked to name his favorite rides, enthusiast John Harkoff proceeded to proclaim a disdain for nearly every attraction located in an amusement park.

"Well, I don't like most flat rides, because I don't like spinning." reported Harkoff. "And I don't like water rides at all. I hate getting wet."

"I like steel coasters," continued Harkoff, "except Vekoma Boomerangs. I won't go on those. Or Vekoma SLCs. I hate SLCs. Or anything by Togo. God, Togo coasters really suck. Oh, I pretty much dislike every Arrow multilooper."

When it was explained to Harkoff that he had discounted 50% of the steel roller coasters in America, Harkoff shrugged, before adding, "I love wood coasters. Except old violent ones. I don't really like violent old wood coasters." Harkoff concluded, unintentionally discounting 70% of wooden roller coasters in the country. He also noted an aversion to wood coasters of any age with lots of lateral movement, and any wooden coaster exceeding 127 feet in height.

When asked what Harkoff does like to do in an amusement park, Harkoff paused for a long time before answering, "Bitch." Harkoff reported. "I really enjoy bitching."

Harkoff then proceeded to thank Six Flags for "contributing so much to what I most enjoy doing in my hobby."

--MOS

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Paul Ruben to Claim New Vekoma Boomerang as "Totally and Completely Unique"

After several months of breathless anticipation, coaster enthusiasts around the world have finally learned which new roller coaster will be described by alleged Park World editor Paul Ruben as "totally and completely unique." It will be a Vekoma Boomerang called Flipping Around Backward Gold Rush Eagle Surprise, to be installed at South Korea's Joy Funtown Magic Sparkleland late this season.

Ruben, lauded around the globe for riding over 1500 coasters and appearing on essentially every coaster special to claim each and every ride ever built is the most fabulous ever, notes that "this Vekoma Boomerang is utterly unlike anything else ever made, and it will set the standard for thrills in the new millennium." He also added that it "could just beat out Top Thrill Dragster, or whatever other coaster I was just paid to shill for, for the top spot on Planet Earth."

Ruben most recently lauded the striking originality of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Scream coaster, the ninth floorless coaster from Bolliger & Mabillard, and one that is nearly an exact clone of Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. In the Winter 2004 issue of Rollercoaster!, Ruben thrilled amusement park lovers everywhere with his description of the ride as "a unique floorless coaster" and "a wild new interpretation of the flight through a corkscrew," and further noted that "the floorless coaster is a truly different ride experience." He also quoted a Six Flags rep who claimed Scream was "truly a unique and thrilling ride experience."

"Heck, if I write about the floorless coaster and pretend it's a brand-new idea no one has ever before explored, well, I'm sure I can act like a Boomerang is a thrilling and revolutionary concept," says Ruben. "As long as the money is good, anyway."

--JCK

Friday, May 21, 2004

Enthusiasts Call on Political Clout to Re-Open LeSourdsville Lake

Monroe, OH: Grass roots supporters campaigning to reopen the tragedy-stricken LeSourdsville Lake amusement park have decided to take their case straight to the top. This ARN&R reporter was privy to an exclusive email being circulated among Ohio area coaster enthusiasts:

Fellow “Save LSL” members, it’s time to get serious. We have to attract the attention of a leader who can do something about our problems. A leader who has always supported us and the enthusiast community. At last, we have our opportunity to speak to the most powerful man in Ohio: Mayor McCheese. I’ve heard that the Mayor himself will be working out of his Monroe area office, near the Ohio 63-Interstate 75 interchange. If we can bring our “Save LSL” petition and message, it’s a sure thing that he will listen to us. We need to make a bold statement – so please let’s all meet at 7 PM in the PlayPlace, near the ball crawl. At that time we can organize and protest outside of the Mayor’s office, which is believed to be accessed via a secret door in the men’s room. See you there – and until then, keep the faith!

While the meeting is being advertised in local papers to gather interested parties, the fact that organization leaders plan to approach Mayor McCheese is being kept a secret from the general public. “The fact that the Mayor will be there is my own ‘special sauce,’” said representative Scott Fowler. “I don’t want a bunch of people to show up just because they want to see the Mayor or bring their own issues about the rampant hamburgling that has been happening in nearby towns.” When looked at with raised eyebrows, Fowler grew indignant, saying, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? Your skepticism is what is keeping this great theme park down!” and ended the interview.

--MMS
You Mildly Tolerate Us! You Really Mildly Tolerate Us!

Well, amongst all of the nasty, bad things all these people are saying about us, there is some evidence that three or four people out there actually enjoy our website!

-We are pleased to announce that ARN&R has received the 2004 Northern Exposure Award for Best Coaster Site (Besides WC, of course). This is our first award since being named the Onride Central Site of the Month in February 2003, though our longtime fan probably remembers that we are often nominated for and soundly crushed in the yearly Coasterbuzz awards. Our thanks to Lucas Meeker for the Northern Exposure Award.

-We've never won anything at Rec.Roller-Coaster. However, at least a few people there think we're funny.

-Although we've been suffering mightily from that terrifying Anti-ARN&R Petition, which obviously consists entirely of signatures added by people who are completely serious about the petition, we're pleased to see that some nice folks have created a Petition Against the Petition Against ARN&R. Sadly, it appears that the original petition is much more fun to play with...only two people have signed the new one as of this writing, one of which is an ARN&R writer who already happily signed the petition against himself, and the other is a known crack addict.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Six Flags Tijuana's Signature Ride Facing Protests and Complaints

Six Flags Tijuana's heavily themed Intamin Drop Tower, "The Big Boner," is under fire once again.

This time, the attraction is being protested by the American Family Association, which decries the ride as being "categorically obscene."

The Drop Tower, heavily themed to resemble the title of the ride, boasts only one circular car which wraps around the tower and is themed to resemble a giant hand. Upon reaching the top of the tower, the car shoots down in a fast stroking motion, then bounces repeatedly at the base until finally resting on the ground. Upon the completion of each ride, the top of the tower explodes with a fountain of water, drenching happy park guests below.

"We at Six Flags simply do not find this ride obscene," reported Six Flags CEO Gary Story. "The Big Boner represents what comes to all of our minds when we think of Tijuana, and as such The Big Boner should be seen as a treasure, not an eyesore."

More on Six Flags Tijuana as this story develops.

--MOS

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Paramount's King's Dominion to Pay Close Attention to Thrill Nerds

The need among amusement park enthusiasts to send silly petitions is definitely a disease that's catching lately. Aside from the anti-ARN&R petition started by WildOne, which is having a really tremendous effect on shutting down ARN&R and reducing its massive revenue stream, another group has decided to make its mark and bring about change for humanity through its petition: the Thrill Nerds. Yes, you read that right. The Thrill Nerds. At least they don't pretend to be anything they aren't.

Got a beef with Paramount's King's Dominion? Pay close attention to the Thrill Nerds:

All you have to do to participate is get as many people as you can to write all the things that they cant stand or dislike about the park, and what they think they should do to improve and maybe gain that persons attendance to the park...these will all be organized into a LONG list of things and there write ups that you wrote, and will be sent to Kings Dominion. With Kings Dominions replies we will be organizing them yet again into a petition and have as many people as we can get to sign it to say they should do something.

The directions on the site go on to elaborate on the rules for sending complaints to PKD:

All write ups must have at least 5 things that a person has noticed that needs improvement with the parks and all 5 must have there way to fix the problem. The more problems the better

Indeed, the more problems the better. We've always found that sending a huge list of bitches and moans to a major corporate entity gets a prompt and courteous response. Volume is the key to gaining respect.

Of course, you may also "feel free to write along with your bad things some positive impute for the park to here. they will like that."

At ARN&R, we always enjoy our "positive impute," and tend to be very concerned with readers who send hate mail listing thousands of ways they would like to see us die, just so long as they tell us something nice, too, like we use the phrase "coaster tools" the right amount or that we're exceedinly physically attractive. We're sure PKD will be easily seduced into fixing every stupid complaint the Thrill Nerds have because they get warm fuzzies after someone throws in the comment that "I hate dozens of things about your park, but your Vulcans are sexier than ever this season."

Don't forget, be sure to list every single thing you can possibly think of that you don't like about PKD, go to our Site O' the Weak, and tell the Thrill Nerds what you think. King's Dominion will undoubtedly be quivering in its boots and filling its underwear within mere days.

--JCK
Six Flags New England Challenges Agawam Postal Workers To Softball Game

In a recent gesture of workplace bonding and camaraderie, the Six Flags New England staff challenged the Agawam postal workers to a nine inning softball game. The game, which began on Sunday morning, lasted 17 hours and concluded in a draw upon both sides realizing they had not appointed anyone to keep score. Each team cited numerous reasons for the inability of the game to reach a swift conclusion.

"Well, first of all the Agawam Postal Workers were five hours late," reported Six Flags Ride Operations Manager Ted Gainey, "and that was fine, as all of us at Six Flags understand being a little late. Then, after the game got started, there were a few delays."

Some of the delays included:

* The Six Flags ride operators took approximately ten to fifteen minutes to walk from batters area to home plate, often checking their bats while batting upwards of five times for no apparent reason while everyone waited for them to play.

* The switch from offense to defense would take up to one hour as each side demanded much-needed "ciggie breaks."

* Six Flags, in a cost saving gesture, insisted on using a single baseball for the entire game, forcing long delays after every home run and foul ball.

* Six Flags spent significant periods of time arguing that the field would be cost much less to maintain if the distances between the bases were reduced to approximately eight feet and baserunners were required to slow down dramatically any time they approached a sprint.

* The Agawam Postal Workers were often delayed on defense due to the players consistently losing their own gloves and various other equipment, causing them to either go to the store to buy new ones or stop play until they found them, often finding them in unlikely and absurd places.

Both team captains denied the charge that the reason for the length of the game was due to both teams' players being "lazy, incompetent bastards."

--MOS

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Six Flags Explains Old Guy Ads

Kieran Burke, Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Six Flags Theme Parks, today further explained in an exclusive ARN&R interview the logic behind the chain's national ad campaign, featuring a wildly dancing elderly man.

"This year's national ad campaign is the first on a national basis we have ever ran since we purchased Six Flags in 1998. Prior to this year's campaign, we concentrated our advertising efforts in drawing customers from our local market. Since we have seriously pissed off all of these patrons with closed rides, trash-dump theming, and having to navigate over six years of human excrement at our facilities, we recognized the need to expand our efforts to the national level."

Burke continued: "For this campaign, we decided on an iconic figure that would collectively draw people together. Many people have wondered and speculated why we chose an old man. Even though masses of enthusiasts have come up with such ideas as him representing all sorts of new roller coasters to come, including a package of eight new rides for Kentucky Kingdom, I am here to set the record straight on how we came up with Old Guy."

"He is not a senile old man that thinks he will have a good time going to our parks. On the contrary, he represents both the great icons of the Grim Reaper and Satan himself. We felt the Grim Reaper metaphor was accurate to stress our dedication to poor customer service and no training for the operators of our rides. The Satan metaphor shows that we want people to come to our parks to be tortured. Long lines, closed rides, mountains of garbage, employees who mock, throw feces at, and bitch slap our guests represents our alliance with Satan. When we add in the demonic combination of this torture with high prices for such torture, our alliance with Lucifer, Price of Darkness, is solidified."

As his colleague did in the very first ARN&R exclusive story, Burke then made an effort to prevent demonic horns from growing from his head.

--EJB

Monday, May 17, 2004

Join the Struggle Against ARN&R!

ARN&R is proud to announce that it has formally joined the battle against, well, ARN&R, in two ways.

First, we have formally signed the petition and urge you to do so as well. We can only hope that we will take our views seriously when we receive the petition with our signature on it.

Second, we have provided you several opportunities to pay us money in exchange for products that urge others not to pay us money. Go to the shop and check 'em out! We've got a shirt, a trucker hat, and a badass sticker.

Fight the power! Or at least buy a cheap sticker!

Flat Ride Debuts at Paramount's King's Dominion

A day long-awaited arrived at Paramount's King's Dominion yesterday, as the park unveiled its new signature flat ride, Sir Mix-A-Lot. The heavily-themed Zamperla Mixer is located on a platform above the park's signature Lake Charles. Unlike other rides in the park, Sir Mix-A-Lot will not be a part of any themed land, but is intended to stand alone as its own entity.

"Although the basic ride flips passengers around in time-tested ways, the extensive theming is what makes our ride unique," said PKD public relations director Flapjack Fishhead. "Note that the entire ride is custom-shaped to look like a nice, big, juicy, meaty, round ass. Park guests will just be beggin' for a piece of that bubble, don't you think?"

"This ride looks totally awesome," said theme park lover Thad Marks, 49. "It really looks like it's down to get the friction on. It's themed great, and it has lots of speed and a long ride cycle. It turns around and sticks you out. Even white boys got to shout!"

The site of the new ride had long been rumored as the eventual home of a second coaster that would intertwine with the nearby Ananconda, an Arrow four-looper. When asked whether this second rumored coaster might have been a better fit for the area than a booty-themed flat ride, Riddell held up a hand and informed reporters that "my Anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns."

"Ungh!" he added.

Aside from the extensive butt theming of Sir Mix-A-Lot, the ride also features a clear observation wall completely surrounding the ride, so that, according to Fishhead, excited guests can "put 'em on the glass" if they feel so inclined.

--JCK

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Enthusiasts Have Questionable Dining Experience

According to a group of enthusiasts, they experienced a highly suspicious and alarming incident while eating at Billy Don's Diner near Busch Gardens Williamsburg today. The four amusement park fans apparently stopped at the diner on their way to BGW in order to have a quick meal for a cheaper price than what they would expect the park to have. However, their choice of diner turned out to be problematic.

"The place was a little dirty and greasy," said Lionel Partridge. "But it smelled okay, so we figured things would be cool. But then when two of us ordered pancakes, the waitress told us we could have them with either syrup or compost."

"Naturally we figured she meant one of the options was compote, not compost," said Partridge. "But it was pretty hilarious to think of our pancakes appearing with mounds of rotting plant matter on them."

Partridge noted that things were considerably less mirthful when the pancakes actually arrived, for he and his companions were unable to tell for certain, either by sight or taste, whether the waitress had actually mispronounced "compote" or was indeed bringing them pancakes smothered in decomposing organic mush.

"I doubt a combination of cooked fruits could have made my bowels heave that explosively," said Partridge. "So it probably was the compost, I guess. Next time we go to Billy Don's, I'll just know to order the six-meat omelet instead."

--JCK

Friday, May 14, 2004

Boycott ARN&R!

Fed up with being "deficated [sic] on" by the "hateful, vindictive bottomholes" at ARN&R, brave souls have stepped forward to boycott the trashy amusement park satire page, which, incidentally, is run entirely by people who have low self esteem and who "actually think they are Rumsfeld haters while they are so joined at the hip, well, maybe in ways we cannot explain, anyway thats TMI, well these people are sick." Or something.

We at ARN&R certainly support a boycott of our filthy product, as we really are complete bastards who Jumped the Shark ages ago, anyway. Of course, it will take a mighty show of force for us to really pay any attention to protestors, since we sell such astounding amounts of merchandise from the AbsolutelyReliable Online Boutique. Why, a recent count shows that we've sold almost twenty items in the last two years, including nearly four or five actually bought by someone who has never written for ARN&R! We hope that the boycotters are ready for a drawn-out battle as they attempt to impede our Trump-like revenue stream.

The real tragedy, aside from Coasterfanatic's drunken babbling, in the whole affair is the demand by boycott organizer WildOne that those who communicate with us or read our site be boycotted, as well. Ultimate Coaster participants such as Moosh, C-Screw, Adam, Al, "Guy Near Hulk" Rollergator, and the Reverend (whose name the Assistant Editor actually managed to spell right this time) have all been seen openly weeping, mewing, and casting upturned eyes toward God as one or two people on Ultimate Coaster have decided they "may not want to be fwiends" anymore after finding out that these individuals have dared to look upon our Satan-fueled website since the initiation of the boycott.

More on how ARN&R has been cowed into submission by our reduction in revenue from enthusiast boycotts as the story develops!

--JCK

Enthusiast Grassroots Effort Leads to Zamperla Salesmen Retirement, End of Togo Comeback

An overpowering effort led by ACErs Jane Doldrum and Ernie "One Click" Raddish proved to be enough to stop a small group of Japanese investors from bringing Togo back from obscurity and into building high quality roller coasters, which they were well known for from the early 1980s through the mid 1990s.

Doldrum stated that the enthusiast community has had enough of roller coaster manufacturers building rides that they did not care for. In fact, just the week prior, her effort had led two salesmen from Zamperla to retire after they had received piles upon piles of hate mail, as a result of enthusiasts' bonding hatred over the Italian manufacturer's latest roller coaster model, "The Volare." Hate mail packages contained blood stained letters, rubber toy knives, and even an artist's rendering of Ron Toomer nailed to a crucifix made of bent wire hangers.

Officials at Zamperla refused comment while they work with their lawyers on collecting evidence, but we were able to get this comment from ACEr Doldrum: "We cannot go on any longer having parks buy rides like the Volare, when there are so many parks in need of a good airtime filled hyper coaster."

Honaguchi Mitusbishi and his group of investors were set to reintroduce Togo's extremely well received mega coaster line to the amusement industry. In a prepared statement, Mitsubishi stated that "Both Manhattan Express and Viper have proven to be two of the top rated steel coasters in the world, so we felt it only natural to pick up the ball where it was last dropped."

Viper, which debuted at Six Flags Great Adventure in June of 1995, has given millions of rides, but in recent years has only operated on a limited basis. "We have made an agreement with the park to only run the ride on days when we visited with potential clients to get feedback on the ride to see if investing in Togo was a worthwhile avenue to pursue," claimed Mitsubishi. He continued to add, "After getting off of the ride, most of our potential clients claimed to have really enjoyed the experience, but also claimed to have forgotten what they had eaten for lunch that day, or what their daughter's name was. We believed this short term amnesia might last just long enough to get their John Hancock on a contract, and a deposit in our pockets."

Upon hearing the news of Togo re-entering the coaster market with the mega coaster, Raddish came up with a creative and economical way to end the effort. "We simply used the same letterhead and hate mail message text that we sent to Zamperla, and simply changed the address." Over 2000 e-mails and hard copies were sent to Mitsubishi's office, which eventually led to their unconditional surrender and the official end of the Togo resurgence.

"This is a great day for enthusiasts everywhere!" claimed Raddish. "Rides like the Mega Coaster and Volare have no place in parks these days. We need more Terra Terra Terra."

--AJS

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Broadway Reaches Out, Raises Record Sum for Ailing Club

In an unprecedented event, Tony Award winning stars joined forces with the Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Club) for the first annual "Broadway Cares About Coasters" extravaganza, held at the American Airlines Theater last week.

“When Lee [Coaster] contacted me about the plight of abused roller coasters, I knew that I could do something positive to help,” said Stephen Sondheim in an exclusive ARN&R interview. “Through catchy hooks and peppy dance numbers, and with a dash of Bernadette Peters’s talent, we could raise money for this noble cause.”

After months of collaboration between some of today’s hottest Broadway composers, directors, choreographers and stars, “Oh, Knoebels!” was born. “To be honest, I really wanted something that would more accurately reflect Coaster Enthusiasm than last year’s Theme Park Diva.” said Marc Shaiman, who contributed to the score with the show-stopping number “Anything You Can Ride I can Ride Longer.” Nathan Lane, a longtime fan of the coasters found in his native New Jersey, added, “Finally, a show I can be proud of –- for a cause that affects the entire Broadway community -– or at least me, and that guy over there.”

The show, which was a one-night-only event, raised a total of $12.95 after the extravagant costs associated with the production, which included a working replica of the Phoenix Flyers designed by Tony nominated designer Eugene Lee for the Act I finale “Fugue for ACERs.” “It’s the most money we’ve ever walked away with,” said Lee Coaster, who plans to use the money to play some DDR later.

--MMS

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Bob Edwards New Station Voice At Quassy

After NPR forced Bob Edwards out of his decades-long post as anchor of Morning Edition, there was a great deal of speculation about what he would do next. NPR said he'd be on as a "senior correspondent," but many expected a book, or perhaps even a jump to network news commentary. Few expected this.

Quassy Amusement Park in Connecticut announced yesterday that Edwards's sonorous baritone will be the new station voice, sharing greetings and warnings to guests. Henceforth, guests can look forward to hearing this:

"From Quassy in Middlebury, Connecticut, this is the Mad Mouse; I'm Bob Edwards. Please step into the cars and fasten your seatbelts. Keep all parts of your body inside the car at all times. Samantha Mathis is 33 today, and Jason Biggs is 25. Barry Diller will be speaking at the National Press Club today, and SpongeBob Squarepants will be greeting guests at the entrance this afternoon."

Reports that Sports Illustrated senior correspondent Frank DeFord will be brought in to provide narration and sports anecdotes on the Quassy Queen II on Wednesday mornings could not be confirmed.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

RCCGB Pickets British Medical Association Spokesman's Office

Yesterday, the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain (RCCGB) began creating what observers claimed was "a veritable wall" in front of the main entrance to the office of Dr. Simon Minkoff, a representative of the British Medical Association's junior doctors' committee, in protest of recommendations Minkoff has recently made.

Minkoff has garnered international notoriety recently through his suggestion that Great Britain combat its high national obesity rate by mandating smaller doors for fast food establishments, apparently limiting the fattening, greasy comestibles only to those slim enough to be able to handle them, or perhaps to those clever enough to have a friend order and bring the food out for them. But the doctor's suggestions have met opposition from the coaster club.

"This is a threat to our way of life, yea verily, to our very existence," said RCCGB member Ian Carter, waving an illegible sign in the air. "These so-called doctors and scientists think they know what's best for us, but they don't. They obviously have not considered the possible impact on coaster enthusiasts when making this suggestion. If they reduce the door size of fast food places, how are we supposed to eat during our many cross-country coach trips? I daresay the British economy will feel a sting if we can't get in those doors, because then we won't be able to make our trips at all, and the restaurant and theme parks industries will take a heavy hit."

Another leader of the protest, who requested anonymity, told ARN&R that, if the measure is enacted, all members of future RCCGB coaster trips will each be provided with a fresh pork chop, which they can use to slather down both themselves and the door frame, thereby making access to yummy cheeseburgers and fried chicken far more likely.

--JCK
We Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

This isn't so much a Site O' The Weak as a Greatest Concept Ever. But we don't really have that category, so Theme Park Diva: The Musical is forced to be in our Site O' The Weak.

Thrill to the story, such as it is! Express mild interest and surprise at the huge proportion of the cast that has actually performed in theme park shows! Thank self for deciding not to go into show business so as to avoid ever having been in a theme park show! Recoil in terror at this guy! Or this one! Consider buying some of their crap, but then decide to buy some of our crap instead!

And, mostly, wish you were in Orlando a year ago to go see this at the Fringe Festival!

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Enthusiast Eager to Take Dump in New Animal Kingdom Bathroom

Coaster Enthusiast Richard Serpa, 46, grew very excited today. The reason for this burst of enthusiasm, according to the friendless and jobless amusement park fanboy, was the fact that he came across a Disney's Animal Kingdom tribute page; the website featured a large array of photos of the construction for a new themed bathroom near the future Everest coaster in Animal Kingdom.

"Woah," said Serpa. "I can't wait to take a dump in that bathroom. I bet it's themed really awesome. Who wouldn't want to obliterate the porcelain in a fine-looking bathroom themed like that?"

Serpa went on to state that he had enjoyed the clean, private, and thematically enhanced public restrooms at dozens of amusement parks, and loved them all, but that he anticipated this would be "the most coolest one yet." He also mentioned, without provocation, that he intended to fill himself to bursting with greasy fast food and Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce the night before visiting Animal Kingdom for the restroom's opening day, so as to "really experience the attraction to its fullest."

--JCK

Friday, May 07, 2004

Superman: The Escape Still Closed Due to Weather

According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Magic Mountain's Superman: The Escape is not able to operate this season due to weather conditions. Although baseless speculation has been made in the media that the ride is not operating due to safety problems, a catastrophic breakdown, or just to save money for the financially-suspicious Six Flags chain, ARN&R was recently assured by park reps that the sign in front of the attraction, the one that says "Current Weather Conditions Prohibit The Operation Of This Attraction," absolutely represents the truth.

Some observers, notably those troublemakers at Screamscape, have pointed out that the weather condition sign is suspect, considering that almost every day in Southern California the past two weeks has been warm and dry, with very little breeze and not a cloud in the sky. A quick chat at SFMM Guest Relations with "Trevor" and "Shaneequa" cleared the matter up once and for all. As they explained it to ARN&R, guests and the media alike have been reading too much into the sign, assuming the it actually refers to a specific type of weather that would keep a huge ride from operating, such as a thunderstorm, a blizzard, high winds, or massive tidal waves. In reality, the sign merely states that all weather conditions, of any sort whatsoever, prevent the ride from operating.

ARN&R calls on other media outlets to engage in responsible journalism, and to refrain from creating sensational stories where none exist.

--JCK

Thursday, May 06, 2004

ACE Or The Hole?

ACE (The American Coaster Enthusiasts) has found themselves in court once again. No, this time it is not suing Six Flags over Georgia for not having enough food at Spring Fling or PTC for making its trains too small. The club is currently being sued by ACE -- The Association of Club Executives. The battle is over who controls a simple acronym. Strip clubs are collectively suing the coaster-riding groupies.

Angelina Spencer, the group's executive director, recently derided the coaster enthusiast community. "If they think we're going to let our good name be soiled by those fanny pack-toting tools they can forget about it. I didn't stop dancing when I was seven months pregnant, so what makes them think I will give up this fight?" she fumed.

ACE President Carole Sanderson didn't understand what all the fuss was all about. "Sure we have common lettering," Sanderson commented. "But I don't think our groups are mutually exclusive. I believe we can peacefully co-exist and learn from one-another. For instance, we can teach them how to sing along in the station for 'one more ride' and they can demonstrate how they go 'one more time' with a customer after he has just finished."

The vagina-related ACE, which has recently taken up voter registration, sees no reason why they can't win. Spencer said, "Let's face it -- our girls have the goods. Who is the judge going to side with? A group that consists of mostly overweight, ugly men or chicks with big racks that will give him a 'happy ending' for free? That's not much of a choice."

Bill Linkenheimer, aka Link Daddy in coaster circles and ACE Grand Wizard emeritus, said the group isn't worried about competing with fat tats and loose lips. "Sure, they can grind on a judge's crotch, but can strippers talk for hours about which Six Flags park is better, Kentucky Kingdom or Elitch Gardens? I think not," the "Daddy" waxed philosophically.

The battle of the ACEs will be heard in the Florida district court and a trial date has not been set.

The case is JUGGS V. NERDS 36 FL 692.

--FMB

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Rec.Roller-Coaster Considers Changing Its Name To Alt.Homosexuality-Discussion

Following the fourth time in as many months that a post concerning homosexuality has had far more responses than posts concerning more trivial topics like, say, roller coasters or amusement parks, the members of rec.roller-coaster are considering reforming the group under a new, more appropriate name.

"Our new roller coaster fan newsgroup alt.homosexuality-discussion will obviously focus on roller coasters." stated R.R-C posters Rastus O'Ginga and David H in a joint prepared statement, "but it's about time our new title dealt with a cold, hard fact: our newsgroup members are obsessed with homosexuality."

It has been rumored that rec.roller-coaster will also continue under its own name, but now with only 3 posters: Dave Althoff, Mark Rosenzweig and, of course, a rotating cast of people asking about cheap lodging near Cedar Point.

--MOS

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Enthusiast Keeps Feet Warm

A clever coaster enthusiast was able to keep his feet warm this past weekend, despite all odds. According to Lawrence Mallett, 46, his feet were "absolutely freezing and dangerously numb" after the ACE member and Coaster Zombie spent an afternoon on numerous soaking water rides immediately prior to an evening marathon on the B&M floorless coaster Medusa. Although much of the day had gone swimmingly for the enthusiast, he realized his danger when an unseasonable chill began to seep into his waterlogged socks after sundown.

"It's then that fun turned to danger," said Mallett. "I realized that frostbite might be setting in, and I could potentially lose my toes. Maybe even my life, God forbid. But I knew I had a duty to myself and the American way of life, and I had to complete my mission of riding Medusa twenty straight times to finish my day, no matter how windy and frigid it was. That's when I started bravely fighting through the agony-crazed haze in my mind to concoct some survival schemes. Gutting a dog and using it as a blanket seemed impractical since there were none around, and the sheer volume of squirrels I'd have to kill to equal the mass of one poodle was more than I felt I could handle. Then I remembered that you can stave off the cold by cuddling tightly with someone while you're both naked, but since I haven't been naked around anyone in decades, I didn't think that would be too likely."

"That's when I came up with a brilliant concept to save my feet from certain permanent damage," said a beaming Mallett. "I peed on them."

Mallett added that "a hot stream of my own urine gave my frozen toes the warmth they needed to survive that long night in the cold. Plus, I was able just to do it right in the middle of the Immelman, so I didn't waste a single second of potential ride time, either!"

The enthusiast speculated that other riders might have also had the danger of deadly frostbite averted, due to the likelihood that plenty of his steaming urine had splashed over them, as well.

Ride operators for Medusa were less thrilled with Mallett's courageous survival tale than he, saying that the ride "had an unholy Palace Playland-like stench," and "smelled like Grandma."

--JCK

Monday, May 03, 2004

When Dinosaurs Were Pets

An article in last weekend’s New York Times provided an interesting springboard for this reporter and his column. After reading what crazy leftist Abby Goodnough said in her article about Kent Hovind’s “Dinosaur Adventure Land,” I knew I had to get the real word out on this hip Jesus theme park. Since evolution has been so badly misrepresented as fact by the liberal media it is good to see people like Mr. Hovind and George Bush himself backing the word of my homeboy, God.

Since the travel budget at AbsolutelyReliable Towers has been cut back for the summer season I decided to simply piggyback on Goodnough’s story and hopped on a Florida-bound Greyhound. After my bus broke down several times we pulled into the beautiful Orlando Bus station and I hitched a ride to Pensacola. You know what they say, “Ass, grass or gas.” Seeing as how I don’t smoke weed and had no cash on me I had to give a hummer to some guy named Jeb (he said he worked in government) for a ride.

With smiles on our faces he dropped me off at “Dinosaur Adventure Land.” Like a kid in a candy store I looked at the millions of dollars the park had spent on specialized rides. Exciting creations like the Vine Climb and Rubberband Shooting all demonstrate that guests can really tell when you give them mind-blowing rides to experience. Rumor Alert: I heard on Screamscape that the park is getting two board games for '05!

After getting my fill of excitement I sat down with Mr. Hovind for an exclusive ARN&R interview with this scientific genius. We talked about when we were each saved, how glad we are that the war against the infidels in Iraq is going so well and that finally we have an administration that looks to 1905 for inspiration instead of 2005. He was also kind enough to show me the park’s professional promotional video that his grandson made on his computer.

Hovind then took me to the new science center under construction. Here he hopes to assist others proving evolution wrong. We both laughed about the fact that so many people still believe that nature can evolve over millions of years. We are smart enough to know that, as many learned people have pointed out, evolution leads to a police state and killings. We concluded our session by praying for hours that God would strike down those wicked IRS agents for raiding the Reverend Hovind's home and business after discovering he had, in good Christian fashion, failed to pay taxes on millions of dollars of earnings.

I thanked Kent for his time and on my way out spoke with his general manager, Tim Berskin. Together we came up with some great Christ-centric amusement concepts we hope to see at IAAPA:

- Inflatable Cross Slide: Children can enjoy a fun ride while appreciating the mind-numbing pain Jesus went through to save their souls. If a kid is injured tell them they need to believe a little more before they give their fun to God.

- The Holy High-Striker: This utilizes the traditional High-Striker game. But, all you have to do is lightly tap the mallet on the lever. If God loves you he will ring the bell, but if not you’re going to hell.

- Passion of the Christ in 4-D: This will pick up where Universal Studios’ Shrek attraction left off. Having fake blood splatter on you, seeing a man writhe for hours only inches from your face and getting to spit on those pesky Jews will make you understand His suffering a little better.

- Hell Gate: Reviving an old attraction from Coney Island, this would allow families to ride together in a “Pirates of the Caribbean”-style attraction. Guests could see blasphemers like Charles Darwin, Helen Keller, Eugene Debbs and others writhe in eternal damnation. It promotes family time and lets kids see what God does when they upset Him.

--FMB

[Editor's Note: Shortly after our intrepid reporter's Christlike visit to Dinosaur Adventure Land, the park's website evolved into the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
Six Flags Preemptively Blames 2004 Results on Weather at SFWoA

This morning, Six Flags Inc. held a hastily-scheduled conference call to provide guidance on its financial results for 2004. In addition to the usual rundown of capital expenditures and advertising plans, CEO Gary Story said that the anticipated massive losses were attributable primarily to inclement weather in the northeastern part of Ohio.

"We expect that the occasional rain and moderate wind will result in yet another year of our Worlds of Adventure property failing to achieve expectations," said Story. "Unfortunately, that means another year of massive losses for which we can accept no blame or responsibility whatsoever."

In a written statement, Six Flags also noted that the weather at its European parks division was expected to be unpleasant, and also noted that the presence of French and Swedish people on the European continent could materially affect earnings.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Enthusiast Distraught Over Tragedy At SFNE

Local enthusiast Daniel Mekas was described this evening as "severely distraught" over the tragic accident that took place on the Superman: Ride of Steel roller coaster at Six Flags New England. Friends of Mekas describe his emotions as ranging from shock, denial, anger, fear and sadness.

"I was going to that park in two weeks!" cried a distraught Mekas. There is no way Superman is going to be reopened 2 weeks from now. No way in hell! The investigation is probably going to take like, months and then when they finally do reopen the great finale I've read so much about is probably gonna be trim braked to hell. Man, I can't believe this happened to me! I have to be the unluckiest person on earth today!" exclaimed Mekas, apparently unaware that the man flung from the restraints on the ride in question might in fact be less lucky.

When questioned about the ride accident victim, Mekas responded with "Who?" before debating whether there was any way he would be able to get a refund on his Priceline purchased plane tickets.

--MOS