Monday, November 28, 2005

New Coaster Design Firm Announced

The competition between roller coaster design firms has grown more fierce than ever in recent years, as drastic reductions in the number of major new projects for the world's amusement parks have continued. As if established coaster companies didn't already have enough trouble landing a coveted contract for one of these projects, yet another strong new player has just entered the crowded field.

Announcing its presence today is the coaster design firm of Bollinger & Mabillard. Combining the engineering know-how of famed designer Claude Mabillard with the modest football skills of New York Jets quarterback Brooks Bollinger, this dream team firm comes with built-in respect, and immediately has thrust itself into consideration for upcoming amusement park projects. Faced with a juggernaut such as this one, several smaller design firms are rumored to be filing for bankruptcy within the week.

Mabillard formerly was one half, with Walter Bolliger, of the successful company Bolliger & Mabillard, which revolutionized the coaster industry with innovations such as its inverted rides and smooth, organic trackwork. In recent years, the company, although still respected, had reached a point of stagnation, and Mabillard felt like he "needed to shake things up." He insisted that his decision to partner with a mediocre football player with minimal engineering experience had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that his new company would be easy to find in Google searches, seeing as approximately 87% of all coaster enthusiasts incorrectly spell "Bolliger" as "Bollinger" anyway.

"This is not an ELP situation," Mabillard said sternly, referring to the pretentious prog-rock band that once replaced drummer Carl Palmer with Cozy Powell pretty much entirely because he was the best available option whose last initial did not require the band to alter its name.

Bollinger, who majored in sociology at Wisconsin University and occasionally completes passes to his own teammates while playing quarterback for the Jets, provides what Mabillard refers to as "near competence" and an "energetic ability to accept failure" to the roller coaster industry. Bollinger, meanwhile, has indicated that it is far more relaxing to design roller coasters than it is to play football, as evidenced by the relatively paltry number of sacks and turnovers he has suffered thus far in his new job.

After the termination of his partnership with Mabillard, Walter Bolliger will reportedly be working on some darker, more introspective acoustic material he feels was suppressed over the past two decades by the more crowd-pandering Mabillard.