Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Cousin: Jabba Overly Dependent on Sarlacc

Jabba the Hutt was "far too reliant on the Sarlacc" for disposing of and torturing his enemies, said his distant cousin Dashka Bastila Desilijic in an exclusive interview today. According to the young Hutt, who had previously remained silent about his family's business dealings for over two decades, Jabba refused to so much as consider other means for causing unspeakable agony in helpless victims, means which might not only have been what Dashka described as "really fun," but may have also prevented his death and the destruction of his criminal empire at the hands of Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and their cronies.

"The Sarlacc was obviously and justifiably tempting to use," said Dashka. "After all, it's gotta be pretty crappy to be stuck in that sucker, slowly digesting over a thousand years. I was just worried that Jabba wasn't diversifying enough, that he was becoming too predictable in his methods. I told him so every time we talked over the Holonet, but the fat slug wouldn't listen to reason."

Dashka then added that he had frequently made a specific suggestion to Jabba regarding alternate methods of making his enemies suffer. "I directed Jabba to access a review of an event for full-time eBayers at Paramount's Great America. I was certain that merely subjecting someone to 18,000 full-time eBay sellers and their fawning use of the phrase 'eBay spirit' in one location would be enough to crush the victim's will to live.

"Then add to that the fact that the reviewer refers, without the slightest trace of irony, to the alleged 'celebrity status' of some sellers, and further manages to simper about how modest they are when someone fails to recognize them despite their high feedback rating. And how about when someone actually bids hard-earned money to ride some coasters with an eBay employee who is also a 'self-proclaimed amusement park enthusiast?' Already surrounded by Ebay obsessives and then paying to be saddled with a damn coaster tool all afternoon? If that's not a new definition of pain and suffering, what the hell is? Of course, Jabba didn't listen. He never did."

Dashka concluded by offering his opinion that "the Skywalker crowd" would probably have just disemboweled themselves with their bare hands to end the pain of being at the eBay event, rather than try to escape, a situation that would almost certainly ended with his cousin remaining alive.

Ritalin Harpoon Enters Widespread Production

After years of bureaucratic and testing delays, a major new product in child behavior modification has been approved by the FDA for full-scale American production.

The Ritalin Repeating Harpoon, a gargantuan mobile device loaded with over three metric tons of the controversial drug, is expected to be available across the country as soon as early July, though industry experts caution that supplies may be somewhat limited until August or even early September due to the likelihood of consumer demand massively outstripping production speed.

The RRH has been created primarily as a means for amusement park owners to control the unending swarms of obnoxious, hyper little brats from running amok, pushing, destroying, screaming in high pitched voices, smoking, and cutting in line at their venues. It functions by launching foot-long hypodermic harpoons, each laden with a dose of Ritalin equivalent to seventeen standard bottles of the product, at a rate of 234 rounds per second through the modified Vulcan machine gun delivery system.

If the product proves successful at major amusement parks this summer, several pharmaceutical companies are expected to roll out modified versions for malls, schools, and cinemas by next spring.