Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Enthusiasts Traveling Together Don’t Get Along

According to exclusive sources, sometimes sharing a great love of roller coasters isn’t actually enough to maintain a friendship. The evidence of this comes in the form of the current coaster vacation being undertaken by enthusiasts Jeff Harchanko, 21, and Jason Bendler, 25. Despite the fact that the two pals have engaged copiously in witty banter and information sharing for the past four years on rec.roller-coaster, and have met up briefly and had a good time together at two day-long park events before, they ended up attempting to inflict bodily harm upon each other near the end of an extended vacation in Florida and Georgia this Spring.

“I always thought Jason was a cool guy,” said Texas native Harchanko. “He’s one of the most intelligent and amusing contributors on rec.roller-coaster, and we had a nice time at Dolly’s Coasterfestabration and at Lone Star Coasterthon. And his taste in coasters is excellent; his top lists are loaded with Beamers, Intamins, CCI’s, and Schmecks. That’s why I’m so shocked that he’s such a &*$%sucker of a roommate when you have to travel with him.”

Harchanko elaborated. “He’s just frickin’ intolerable. I want to get up early each morning in order to get to the parks when they open, or there’s hardly any point in visiting them. If you don’t sprint to Spiderman or Kraken right away, then you can't cram in one ride before the huge lines settle in. But Jason likes to stay up watching Porn Lite on Skinemax and Blowtime until 4AM every single night, and then he bitches when I try to wake him up, and we always end up getting to parks at about 11AM.”

“The final straw is his bathroom habits,” added Harchanko. “Each time we check into a hotel, he sprints out of the car, runs into the room, and christens the bathroom with one of his turbodumps. I mean, he just obliterates the bathroom, leaving streaks and a putrid stench and using all the damn toilet paper. It makes me physically sick to have to use the facilities after him. Usually I just have to go to the hotel lobby so Jason’s odor doesn’t make me throw up. I am beginning to have suspicions that he was the Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend.”

Bendler had another take on the situation. “I can’t believe this jerk. I have to run to the bathroom all the time because this bitch insists on stopping at Crystal Burger for every meal. Even McDonald’s wouldn’t tear my ass apart like those grimy little things. And it’s no use going to bed early, because he easily breaks 140 decibels when he snores, so I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. I mean, for real, it’s like hearing an entire ice flow of walruses copulating, while a jet plane takes off, while a really bad community orchestra trumpet section splats through Fanfare for the Common Man. No joke. And he uses all the towels and splashes water everywhere when he takes a shower. What is he, a little baby?"

For emphasis, Bendler affected a high, screechy whine and squealed, “Wah! Waaaaah! Goo goo gah gah! I’m Joe! I spwash water like a wittle baby! Waaaaah!”

Continuing, Bendler said, “and for goodness sake, he goes to shows. Shows! He’s always got such a bee up his ass about waiting at the gate at 7AM so we can run in, but after two or three coaster rides, he’s always like ‘Dude, can we see the Chinese acrobats? And later we need to see the parade. And there’s this neat musical about American pride at 5PM that we really ought to see.’ What a chump.”

This morning, the pair of enthusiasts ended up rolling on the ground in front of Busch Gardens Tampa’s Gwazi, pulling each other’s hair and attempting to strangle one another. Exhausted after the battle (deemed a draw by observers) and subsequent eviction without refund from the park, Bendler was philosophical. Pausing and furrowing his brow in thought, he observed, “I would have thought that a shared appreciation for the Hulk coaster and abiding hatred for Son of Beast would have assured Joe and me of having a fabulous trip and being best buddies on the road, but I guess that wasn’t the case.”

--JCK

Monday, April 28, 2003

ARN&R Weather Update

It was just gorgeous here at ARN&R Towers over the weekend. Naturally, that means we prepared four -- yes, four! -- pieces for your edification since Friday afternoon. So be sure to scroll down to see 'em all. And buy stuff. If you get yourself on any nationally-televised amusement-park-related television show wearing ARN&R stuff, we'll...um. Send you more stuff. Or something.
Six Flags Elitch Gardens Thinks Paying Customers Want to Swim in Garbage

Six Flags Elitch Gardens, the flagship property of the outstanding and beloved chain, recently announced a most unusual activity: Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste. The promotional activity, described in great detail at the park’s webpage, was created by SFEG management under the bizarre assumption that park guests would enjoy floundering in half-eaten chilidogs, sticky candy wrappers, rotted lettuce, and vomit.

“We are proud to announce this fabulous Xtreme new activity, which is totally free with paid admission to the park itself,” said park rep Graham Heatherdowns. “We’ll have prizes provided by Coke and the park, including season passes, passes to upcharge attractions, and half-gnawed peach pits, and we toss these things into an unspeakably filthy dumpster that smells like Satan pinched a loaf all over it. We know our patrons will especially enjoy breaststroking through raw tons of foul murk to find these superb prizes. And they might find a chunk of still-edible funnel cake, too!”

Eying a youngster poised uncertainly and reluctantly at the edge of the Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste attraction, Heatherdowns yelled out to him angrily, “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”

--JCK

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Enthusiast Avoids Having Crap Coaster as 200th

It could have been a complete and utter disaster for enthusiast Bubba McGurkas. Turning sheet white and bursting into gallons of flop sweat, according to eyewitnesses, McGurkas realized at nearly the last minute on his spring coaster tour that his 200th coaster would be a piece of crap. Although such a revelation would have felled mere mortals, the intrepid enthusiast found a solution to the dreadful problem: frantically rearrange his life and spend gobs of cash.

“It was my greatest nightmare,” McGurkas later confessed to ARN&R. “I had already experienced the humiliation and shame of accidentally miscounting one year while touring in New England. Instead of getting Boulderdash at number 75, it was actually Zoomerang. And later on, I screwed up and got the stupid Trailblazer instead of Great Bear for number 100. This time, the major round number was going to be a great, memorable ride. Not a pile of s%&$.”

McGurkas was in the midst of a ride on Kennywood’s Jack Rabbit when the terror hit him. “I went to a couple parks in Pennsylvania that I’d never been to before. I had thought adding the new-for-Bubba coasters at Knoebel’s and Kennywood would get me up to 198, then when I went to Six Flags America I’d add the Mind Eraser for 199 since it was closed the last visit, and then I could have Volcano as my big 200 at King’s Dominion. Well, I forgot that I had stopped by Idlewild for a ride on Rollo Coaster. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought I was experiencing an impulsive bit of fun on a classic woodie with fixed lap bars, but I was dooming myself and future generations of my family to insufferable torment and hell. Will my future children be taunted because their fool of a father left a ride off the count and ended up counting a Mind Eraser as number 200? A Mind Eraser, for the love of all that is holy? No! No! Nooooooooooooo!”

Then the budding genius hatched a daring and brilliant plan: McGurkas would fly to Texas in order to add coasters worthy of being a nice round number on his count list. “I had some limitations,” said McGurkas. “I live in Iowa, and I’d already booked a flight back from BWI after I got done with PKD and Six Flags. I’ve missed lots of work at Wal-Mart lately to ride coasters, and the boss insisted I’d be fired if I was back a second after I told him I’d be. I had planned in a rest day to visit my brother Randy in Virginia between park visits, which would have been fun since I haven’t seen him in three years. So, I was thinking that, if I told Randy that in order to see me this year he had to come to King’s Dominion with me, and then used the extra day to fly to Texas, I could get some suitable rides in down there, fly back, hit SFA and PKD as planned, and fly home just in time not to be fired!”

At a mere cost of $1007.34 for a last minute cross-country flight from BWI to San Antonio with no Saturday stay-over, $25.49 for rental car, and $6 parking at Fiesta Texas (his Six Flags Northeastern New York pass gained him free admission), McGurkas was able to add several new coasters. Superman Krypton Coaster, a well-regarded B&M Floorless, was his 200th ride.

Raising his hands aloft, McGurkas cried out in a booming voice, “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, this heartwarming tale of warm cuddly sweetness and triumph of the human condition has a tragic ending. It turns out McGurkas completely forgot to list Blackbeard’s Lost Treasure Ride when he rode the kiddie coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure early in his trip. Instead of adding Superman Krypton Coaster as his 200th, the ride in that position was actually the loathsome Boomerang Coast to Coaster.]

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Fearing Spewed Beverages, Kentucky Kingdom P.R. Skips Media Day for Greezed Lightnin'

Though they valiantly made it through the press conference announcing the relocation of the 25-year-old Schwarzkopf shuttle loop without bursting into laughter, the Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom public relations staff decided to skip the standard media day for fear of spewing soda, milk, or coffee through their noses all over the visiting media.

"We knew we'd have to claim it was new -- after all, it's our 'newest megacoaster!'" explained Amy Ballard-Riley, already giggling in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just couldn't make it through a full day of pretending that it's innovative."

Vice-President and park General Manager Lee Graham concurred with the decision. "Sure, I would've loved to have gotten some press. But even the backwards yokels who pass as journalists here in Kentucky would be able to recognize that this was last innovative back when Three's Company was still on." Graham held back laughter as he contemplated trying to maintain a straight face in giving away a "first ride" on the coaster, instead singing to himself.

"Come on knock on our door..."

Friday, April 25, 2003

Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Hastily Rethemed

Breaking News

At a hastily assembled media gathering this morning, DisneyWorld announced that it was severing its ties to the rock band Aerosmith, specifically removing any reference to the group from the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney Studios. Apparently, the incident stems from a Disney executive party last night, where high-echelon Disney leaders first viewed a number of Aerosmith videos.

“Whoa, those are really something,” said Daniel McRaney. “We’d always assumed that no rock group other than Aerosmith could possibly uphold our good family values and protect our children better than Aerosmith. I had thought they sang kid’s songs or something. But then I just got a load of these videos. The lead singer is in drag in one of them! And then there’s this one where Alicia Silverstone gives “the finger.” And then there’s that one where Liv Tyler and Silverstone are wearing Catholic schoolgirl outfits, and then they do “something” in a photo booth, and they go skinny dipping with a sexy young lad, and also Tyler does a strip tease….oh, man, that was totally awesome! Er, I mean, we are appalled at such affronts to morality.”

Disney was reportedly already searching for a replacement band with the proper wholesome image and kick-ass rock abilities. None have been named yet, but McRaney pointedly insisted that Ratt was not among the contenders, despite their pathetic, whiny, begging letters to the Disney corporation.

Disney has announced that, as a stopgap measure, the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster will now use an exciting onboard soundtrack featuring the music of obscure and thoroughly unloved mid-twentieth-century classical composers.

“I think everyone will be very excited to blast off into the darkness and through several loops to great music like Paul Creston’s Fourth Symphony, Milton Babbitt’s Composition for Viola and Piano, the Berio Sequenza for Solo Oboe, and even the thrilling Elliot Carter Triple Duo,” said McRaney.

--JCK
Take Your Daughter to Work Day Celebrated by ACE Members

On Thursday, April 24th, the country celebrated the annual tradition of Take Your Daughter to Work Day. The representatives of the Take Your Daughter to Work Organization were pleased at the success of the program throughout the nation, but expressed disapproval at the continued lackluster support for the event shown by the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

"We really thought the ACE members could get in gear this year and throw some support to this valuable program," said TYDTWO representative Bertha Blacher. "Unfortunately, just as in every other year, the response verged on the nonexistent. Please, members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, don't let your daughters feel as if they are not worthy of seeing your workplace and experiencing job skills in action! I'll bet each and every one of these people knows when Wookie Life Day is, but they don't have a clue what day it is that their young female offspring open their eyes to the crushing boredom of various jobs their parents will attempt to force them into."

Rebuttal to Blacher's remarks was swift. "I don't know why on Earth these people are picking on us," said ACE President Carole Sanderson. "There are logical reasons why Take Your Daughter to Work Day doesn't function among the ACE populace. First of all, 70% of the organization is gay. Okay, so there are some of these folks who have kids, but, let's face the reality of the situation --- not exactly a ton of daughters available there."

Sanderson continued by saying, "Even among the 30% straight members, we've got some issues. A full 25% of them have never once engaged in actual sexual intercourse with another sentient life form due to their living in mom's basement past the age of forty, failing to bathe or use deodorant for several straight days, or being unable to communicate about anything besides steel track gauges and chain dogs. So that leaves us 5% of the entire ACE population who have engaged in sexual relations that potentially could lead to the formation of children. Sadly, most of these people, even should they have a daughter, don't actually have any job to take that daughter to. So we don't expect more than 5 or 10 ACE members being able to celebrate this day under optimum conditions."

ARN&R journalists made a sweeping search of the nation, and we are pleased to report that several ACE members did indeed take their daughters to work yesterday. Coincidentally (though not ironically, we can assure you), each of them has already been profiled in a previous ARN&R article.

1) Herb Wolardowsky, noted for chastising his daughter Emily for attempting to count a Zamperla Dragon as a coaster, made up for his indiscretion by bringing Emily to his workplace. "Emily really needed to see how I make my wage," said Wolardowsky. "And the best way for her to see what I do is to do it herself." He then returned to lecturing his six-year-old daughter on the proper technique for bleaching urine stains out of the men's room sinks at the local arena.

2) Joe Lekowski, who recently adopted a small Nigerian boy in order to add kiddie coasters to his credit list, took his new son "Stan" to "work" yesterday after he dressed him in a skirt and blouse and plopped a wig with blond pigtails on Stan's head. "Too bad I adopted a guy and not a girl," he said. "But this disguise should be all I need to celebrate the day right. I brought Stan to the Coaster Condo, which is the back half of my double-wide. He's never been allowed there, but today I showed him how Daddy puts bread on the table by selling fine color photos stolen from other people's websites."

3) Pete Brody is known to longtime ARN&R readers as the guy who shamed himself by bringing up coasters incessantly during his family's last get-together. Now 29, he just started his very first job last week at the Appalachee Parkway Taco Bell in Tallahassee, Florida. Standing under an informative sign by the employee sink that read, "All Employes Must Wash Hands Frecuently (Often)," Brody proudly told ARN&R that "I'm already second assistant squirt cheese enabler after just one week. Another month and I should be first assistant squirt cheese enabler. And once you perfect the squirt cheese technique, the lucky guys can move on to the really good jobs, like hosing down the burritos with that cool guacamole caulking gun." When pressed for information about the alleged daughter he had brought to work that day, a befuddled Brody confessed that he thought someone had said it was "Bring Your Dog Turd to Work Day." Upon learning this unfortunate news, ARN&R declined Brody's repeated requests to show off "his Precious."

This reporter wishes to point out that he brought Jessica Alba to work, as is usual; she is someone's daughter, after all.

--JCK

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Paramount to Relaunch Bonfante Gardens as Rugrats Gardenzville

Many enthusiasts were pleased to hear that Paramount would be managing Bonfante Gardens, the garden-themed nonprofit amusement park in northern California. And now Paramount has announced its plans: Bonfante Gardens will henceforth be known as Rugrats Gardenzville and undergo a complete retheming.

Upon entering the park, guests will no longer be greeted by decades-old "circus trees," carefully tended to maintain their beauty. Instead, according to park spokesman Bruce Falbo, "Those ugly things got torn out and thrown out back. Who wants crazy-ass trees at an amusement park, anyway? Now we've got all the Rugrats and Blue and sometimes even guest stars from Nickelodeon in the entrance plaza, right next to the Drop Zone tower ride and the all-new launched coaster Flight of Fear."

The unique plant- and vegetable-themed rides will be rethemed as well. Gone is the Artichoke Dip flat ride -- it's now the Hurler. And the Garlic Twirl is now Blue's Big Adventure Spinning Ride. "Yep," said Falbo, "It'll be just like Paramount's Great America up the street. It'll be great!"

When reached for comment, Michael Bonfante, who has cared for the trees and other plants in the park for years and dedicated his life to founding the park, wept quietly.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Breaking News: Six Flags to Open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq

Details are sketchy as yet, but ARN&R has received word from three independent and well-informed sources that Six Flags Inc. will open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq within three weeks.

The park, to be located near Najaf, will celebrate the long history of the Shiite fundamentalists' anti-American radicalism, including several new coasters. The signature coaster will be a new Intamin hypercoaster called "Superman: Ride of Destroying the American Infidels," with a GCI-designed wooden coaster called simply "Kill All Americans." Flat rides include a Top Scan called "God Will Roast Their Stomachs in Hell at the Hands of Iraqis," and Sally is expected to provide a heavily themed interactive dark ride called "Amerian Infidel Hunters."

Six Flags spokeswoman Rachel Solt declared, "Six Flags has always been about celebrating diversity -- heck, our flagship park is themed after all the different cultures that had controlled Texas! This is just another way of showing the world how much we love every person, even if they wish to kill us and destroy our government!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious

Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.

Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."

"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."

Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."

Monday, April 21, 2003

Stern Disciplinarian ACE Parent Corrects Child’s Coaster Count

A short but intense argument erupted this afternoon at the Camp Snoopy amusement park in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, when horrified American Coaster Enthusiast and Coaster Zombie member Herb Woladarsky, 33, caught his six-year-old daughter Emily attempting to count the “Li’l Shaver” attraction on her coaster credit list.

The incident in question occurred at approximately 6:35 PM this Sunday. Apparently, the day started like any other day a family of four would expect at an American amusement venue: fun, camaraderie, vomiting bad chili dogs. But then, without warning, tragedy struck. After a laughing and clapping Emily completed a circuit on the Li’l Shaver, a powered Zamperla attraction strongly resembling a regular kiddie coaster, the child called out, “Daddy! This roller coaster was so much fun! Can I ride it again? Please?”

“It was a disgrace to me as an ACE member and as a human being,” a distraught Woladarsky told reporters. “Everyone knows Li’l Shaver is a powered ride, not a true coaster. See how the track features a third rail that electrically moves the cars along the track? That’s not gravity running this thing! It’s so blatantly obvious, even a retarded chimp could tell the difference, but I guess my daughter can’t. I guess I blame myself for not using corporal punishment when she was younger, but I won’t make that mistake again.” Woladarsky then broke down into tears, obviously deeply upset by the tragic events of the day.

Hoping little Emily would yet learn from her terrible mistake, Woladarsky drove her home in silence, then sent her to her room to write 50,000 times, “Zamperla Dragon rides are NOT coasters.” ARN&R representatives noted, however, that Emily appeared to actually be scribbling “stoopid Daddy likes Hercules best” over and over.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Make sure your child knows not to count a powered ride on his or her coaster list. Get a silly bib for the tykes or, for your surly louse of a teenager, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a guy pissing all over the new Top Thrill Dragster at our Online Shoppe!]

Sunday, April 20, 2003

ACE Solves Lateness of Magazines by Removing Dates From Issues

Long suffering from online, mailed, and phoned complaints from members irate over paying gobs of money in membership fees, and then not receiving their Roller Coaster Magazine issues, the American Coaster Enthusiasts decided this week to enact a novel solution to the problem. Beginning with the next issue, Roller Coaster Magazine will not have any actual date listed on the cover. ARN&R is pleased to break the news that this ACE policy is already being tested on the organization's website, where the currently mailed issue is cryptically referred to as "Issue 83," as opposed to being referred to by its date (Fall 2002), which was the website's procedure for the past several years, or as "the latest really f&$%ing late issue of RC," which would be the most technically correct way of presenting the information.

"All the hate mail is really starting to piss us off," said editor Tom Rhodes. "ACE does its best with its totally volunteer staff to get our high-quality magazine on the stands and in mailboxes very close to the actual dates printed on the cover. Despite horrible problems beyond our control, such as the entire original run of the Fall magazine being eaten by my cat, we maintain a very, very high standard. For instance, our Fall 2002 issue reached most ACE members within the past couple weeks. The Winter and Spring issues would certainly have been no more than five or six months late, either, but some ACE members are just whiny, greedy, p&#%ies who can't sit on their fat little hands and be patient."

"The ACE Executive Committee finally arrived at the perfect solution to all problems for its members and the staff of our magazine," Rhodes added. "While we have always labeled each of the four yearly issues as Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, leading to lots of insults when, say, the Spring issue arrives in, say, the next December, we recently had the brainstorm that we could send out each issue without any date at all. That way, most ACE members won't be able to keep track of how many magazines they've received, and we won't get all this hate mail. Actually, we could probably keep charging the same membership fee and just send fewer issues. Then if anyone complains, we'll just say they're ungrateful pricks who have misunderstood what being in ACE is all about. It's not like we're Inside Track, after all."

Some fans are upset about this news. Said Daunte Rivas, 20, "I don't understand any of this. Eliminating the date doesn't magically make it come on time. That sure helps the RC staff jerk us around, but how precisely does that help enthusiasts who paid membership money that, in part, is alleged to include four regularly mailed glossy mags? And what the f&%$ is he talking about with this sad-sack all-volunteer crap? ACE editors are paid, now, aren't they? Give me my &%$#ing magazines!"

"The editorial staff and Executive Committee are very pleased by our quick measures to solve this longstanding problem," stated ACE President Carole Sanderson. "We know all ACE members will enjoy this new policy, and we ask them to see its trial run on our website right now while they wait for the Winter issue to appear in the general vicinity of the next millennium. Also, please remember that disparaging ACE in any conceivable way is a violation of the ACE Code of Conduct, so anyone overheard bitching about how late our magazines are will be killed and then tortured, while anyone writing about such, especially those creeps at ARN&R, will be taken to....Detroit!"

--JCK

Friday, April 18, 2003

Discovery Announces Enthusiasts Gone Wild Series of DVDs

The Discovery Channel announced today a new series of videos entitled Enthusiasts Gone Wild, featuring the most crazy and uncensored outtakes from the network's years of amusement park-oriented documentaries.

"We just realized we had warehouses of raw footage -- and I mean raw!" exclaimed Discovery spokesman Brad Welsh in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Acres and acres of bare skin, gravy being slathered all over masses of humanity, and the craziest on-ride photos you've ever seen! I'm still having nightmares!"

An advance screening by ARN&R's television critic reveals that events held at Cedar Point are most prominently featured. Among the highlights are clips of the passionate but unsurprisingly short on-ride consummation of the wedding of two unnamed ACE members at a special late-night ride on Gemini, a fully nude Dance Dance Revolution competition, and a naked and oiled game of Twister on the plaza in front of Wicked Twister, including a round with the entire administrative staff of Cedar Fair. The DVD also includes a short piece featuring creative placement and use of park iron-on patches.

A special bonus section features the wildest stunts pulled by enthusiasts hoping to get early access to buffets. The section features a five-minute montage of enthusiasts baring their chests at buffet guards, who invariably recoil in horror and allow access.

A planned second DVD, entitled "Wildest Enthusiast Mullets," is expected to be released in time for Christmas.

[Editor's Note: You can create your own wildest enthusiast videos! Go buy a thong and go nuts with the video camera! Just don't send us the video. Please. For the love of God.]

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Claude Mabillard Traded

The amusement industry was rocked today by a blockbuster deal between coaster manufacturers Bolliger & Mabillard and S&S-Arrow. Although minor transactions, primarily the firing of drug-addled sadists employed by Vekoma and Gertslauer, are almost daily news in the business, major players are rarely traded, due to both the salary cap and the relative lack of true quality designers on the planet. That this trade would involve Claude Mabillard, one of the legends of coastering, has thrown the league into an uproar. In recent memory, no off season deal has caused so much discussion.

Finalized at 11:35 PM this Wednesday, the deal sends the immensely talented eight-time All-Star Mabillard and a pair of second-round draft picks to S&S for wood division head Denise Dinn, four conditional first-round picks, one compression-air tank, and a structural engineer to be named later.

Mabillard, originally a Rule 5 draft pick by Intamin from the Baltimore Orioles, rapidly became a star in the industry when he helped create the dominant B&M franchise. His talent has never been questioned; clearly he is one of the top designers in history, arguably at a similar level to Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlin at the height of their careers. However, teammates have quietly grumbled about Mabillard’s big mouth and his lack of hustle on plays that do not directly involve him for the past several seasons.

“We know that many fans will be surprised that we let a player of the type skill level of ‘The Mabster’ go,“ explained B&M’s Walter Bolliger. “We simply felt that some of Claude’s…well…off the field antics were becoming too distracting. We at B&M like to have an image of class and team spirit, and we find these traits more important than a high average speed or good fielding percentage.”

Bolliger went on to discuss Mabillard’s recent distracting behavior. “Mabbie kept frustrating us by making the big design, but then acting like a fool and causing trouble for the team immediately thereafter. I’m sure everyone recalls when he test-rode Nitro, right? After the inaugural run, he could have bathed in the goodwill caused by our excellent design. But instead, he went sprinting to the Great American Scream Machine at midfield and spiked a chain dog right down on the Arrow logo. Additionally, all that muscle man posing, NBA-style chest bumping, raising the roof, and doing the Icky Shuffle after disembarking from his own rides is really just giving other design teams bulletin board fodder, rather than helping us perform better. And let’s not forget the incredibly offensive anti-enthusiast lyrics he sings on his latest Gangsta-rap album!”

Bolliger concluded by noting that “the final straw came just days ago. We were testing Superman at Six Flags Great Adventure. With all the press and our enthusiast fans watching, Mabillard couldn’t just be a class act. It was too tempting to show off in the spotlight. When the ride pulled into the station, he whipped a Sharpie out of his loafers and proceeded to autograph a seat belt extender, which he then flipped into the audience. And then he hopped out of his seat, grabbed some pompoms from a nearby cheerleader, and gave an impromptu can-can for those watching.”

Breakdancing on a bed of nails atop the Big Shot on Las Vegas’s Stratosphere Tower, S&S-Arrow head Stan Checketts yelled down to reporters, “we’ll take our chances with ‘The Mabinator.’ We like our designers to show their personality, even if it ticks off sissies and wusses at other companies! We look forward to showcasing his Chocolate Thunder Wham Bam I Am Thank You Ma’am Dunk at the earliest opportunity. Go get ‘em, Claude!”

Presumably, Bolliger & Mabillard will not retain its same name after this monumental trade. ARN&R was unable to confirm any name or logo change for the long-standing franchise, but it is rumored that the company may be simply called Bolliger & (abbreviated as B&).

--JCK

[Editor's Note: For other breaking trade news from the AbsolutelyReliable Sportsdesk, read here.]

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Great Escape Actually Admits New Coaster is Used

In a thoroughly stunning turn of events, a theme park has actually willingly admitted that its new attraction is a used roller coaster. Amusement industry experts were startled this month by news that Great Escape would not only acknowledge that their new Canyon Blaster mine train attraction was previously operated for fifteen years as the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at the now-defunct Opryland, but would actively promote the ride as such.

“It’s quite simple, really,” said park supervisor Mark Stevens. “There was really no need to cover this up. So many parks seem to feel this need to build a new coaster, or just as likely, erect an old one and claim it’s new. Why not be proud that we’ve saved an older ride? We already have a good reputation for bringing the Comet here from Crystal Beach. We sure didn’t need to be ashamed of that new ride, did we?

Stevens went on to say: “And, while this new attraction is an old Arrow mine train, hardly on the same level of importance as a Schmeck woodie, it’s important to preserve as many unique attractions as possible. We’re just doing what we can, and I think lots of families will be pleased to see this coaster operating again as Canyon Blaster.”

Other parks were quick to respond. Representatives of Six Flags New Orleans, who have installed a used B&M Batman clone that operated for years at Gotemba Park in Japan, announced in a news release that “Great Escape totally sucks compared to us because we are building a brand-new, completely and totally unique inverted ski-lift style attraction from scratch, one that no American human has ever before experienced, whereas they are just putting in some ancient thing from some other park. Boy, do they lick.”

Comments also arrived from Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. As reported first on ARN&R, that park’s representatives barely refrained from audible laughter while introducing their “new” coaster, a derelict shuttle loop previously run for decades at two other parks. “We’re still proud of our innovative catapult mechanism and our thrilling, showroom-new, never-before-seen-anywhere style of coaster,” stated SFKK vice-president and general manager Lee Graham. “Great Escape should be ashamed for buying some tacky used thing, unlike major Six Flags parks such as ourselves, who only present the finest spankin’ new equipment for our guests.”

--JCK

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

ACE Supreme Chancellor Invokes Emergency Powers

In a special session of the American Coaster Enthusiasts Executive Committee last night, ACE Supreme Chancellor Carole Sanderson was given wide-ranging emergency powers. This drastic step, the first of its kind ever undertaken by an ACE executive, came about after a series of tumultuous events rocked ACE during the leader’s tenure. Said Vice President Mark Cole, “we had no choice but to take these measures. We must allow our leader to be strong, and to use whatever means are necessary, in order to crush the opposition and insidious evil creeping amongst our great organization.”

Great unrest was caused previously in this administration when ACE banned the use of onboard ride footage in the CoasterCon annual contests. A splinter faction of Separatists, led by the charismatic Randall “Coaster Count” Dooku, began a protracted campaign of snippy emails and letters to various ACE publications and websites, then broke from the group to form their own militant Coalition of Enthusiasts Who Break Rules Because We Have the God-Ordained Right as Enthusiasts to do Whatever the Hell We Feel Like at Amusment Parks Society. Further unrest was stirred with the administration of ACE suddenly being relocated to an outhouse when the management group decided they’d had a few too many (534 to date) drunken, hapless enthusiasts calling up in the dead of night demanding that their photos, Rollercoaster Magazine Profiles, and Top Ten Favorite Korean Steel Coaster lists be forwarded to Six Flags Great America rep Michelle Hoffman, whom ARN&R has been assured has no interest whatsoever in receiving any such materials.

“Those events were troubling, but we tried not to resort to crazy measures,” said Cole. “But then, at two major midwinter events, there was widespread looting and thievery of prizes and souvenirs provided by numerous park representatives. It really is bad enough that these hooligans can’t keep themselves from bitching openly if an ERT session ends five minutes early or refrain from knocking over the buffet tables at the picnics and rooting around in the resulting food pile like hogs in a sty. Now they are just walking up to table displays and luggage and helping themselves to whatever they want.”

After a motion for granting full emergency powers was submitted by representative J.J. Binks, the measure passed the Executive Committee unanimously. Supreme Chancellor Sanderson read from a prepared text that said, in part: “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. The power you give me I will lay down when this crisis has abated. I shall use these new executive powers to create a grand ACE Brute Squad, which will keep buffet tables upright, Rollercoaster Magazine within six months of its alleged publication timetable, and ensure that certain greedy, amoral enthusiasts keep their grubby mitts to themselves when the park reps walk by with the bag of goodies.”

Sanderson concluded by saying, “oh, yeah. And while we’re at it, we’re going to hunt down those guys who work for ARN&R. Hunt them down like the filthy animals they are. This news conference is adjourned. Smithers! Release the hounds!”

--JCK
Events Upcoming: Offend Your Fellow Enthusiasts!

As perhaps you have forgotten, we here at ARN&R have an innovative plan that permits you to give us money in return for stuff. We even have a new t-shirt referencing urination! And nothing says "Put me on Discovery!" like a t-shirt featuring someone taking a leak. We also have various forms of underwear adorned with double entendres (really more like single entendres), license plate frames, and picture frames for your on-ride photos, all at prices that seem reasonable compared to those at actual amusement parks.

So go shopping for yourself, for your theoretical boy or girlfriend, for your grandma -- heck, do your Christmas shopping now! Buy stuff! It's the American way!

Monday, April 14, 2003

Enthusiast Adopts Child to Improve Credit Count

Joe Lekowski, a Pennsylvania-area enthusiast with more than 150 coasters to his credit, was looking for that extra edge to get to the next level. International travel was out of the question, as his employment in the stock room at Wal-Mart precluded any travel not depended on his 1992 Honda Accord (and because he feared that he'd find himself in a terrifying foreign land without a Chick-Fil-A), and he'd already visted a high percentage of the parks within domestic driving distance.

In the off season, he spent hours, if not days, contemplating how he could reach 250 or perhaps even 300 coasters and surpass his nemesis, known only as DejaVroomin at ThrillNetwork's forums.

Then he had what he describes as a "eureka!" moment. There were dozens and dozens of children's coasters that he'd never ridden due to his single childless status; if he had a child, he could increase his count enormously in just days. But how to obtain a child? Traditional means were out of the question, due to his utter lack of prospects for a partner and certain other medical hurdles. And his acquaintances with children tended to obtain restraining orders when he asked to "borrow" their children.

But then, while watching a late-night repeat broadcast of Las Vegas's Badasssss Thrill Rides on the Travel Channel, he saw an advertisement seeking funds to feed hungry African children. That was the breakthrough Lekowski was looking for. He wouldn't just pay for rice and beans, he would actually adopt a child and provide the child with all the funnel cakes imaginable.

So now, Lekowski is the proud father of Idowu Babatunde "Stan" Lekowski, a fourteen-year-old boy from Nigeria. Lekowski initially sought an Asian child due to the extended period during which the child might be short enough to get Joe onto kids' coasters, but Idowu had the good fortune of being born with a genetic abnormality, leading doctors to predict that he will never stand taller than 34 inches. "It's perfect!" exclaimed the senior Lekowski. "So long as we keep him shaved, this kid can get me into Jeepers! until he's thirty!"

"Stan" lives in a separate corner of Joe's parents' basement and is learning English exclusively through his father's extensive collection of self-created on-ride video footage. In an exclusive ARN&R interview on the subject of the emotional impact of his adoption and integration into U.S. culture, he said, "Whoooo-hoo!! Check out that airtime! I've got a woodie, I mean, I love this woodie! Whooooo! The lats!"

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Absolutely Reliable High on Americans' List of Worst Enemies

Recently, many major network television news showed the results of a nationwide poll where Americans were asked to give their opinions on who our country's greatest enemies and friends were. Not surprisingly, the "enemies" list was headed by Iraq and North Korea, while the "friends" category was dominated by Great Britain and Canada, though many of the voters later confessed they thought Canada was actually the 50th state, as opposed to an actual functioning country of its own. What was surprising about the poll were the results after the obvious first two answers in the "enemies" list. This morning, Fox News released the entire poll, and ARN&R was shocked and dismayed to find itself at #4.

"Well, this is a little disconcerting," stated the Editor in Chief. "To think our little quasi-amusing amusement industry satire blog would inspire this kind of revulsion among the inhabitants of our great and mighty nation is most puzzling and disheartening. I mean, at least Iraq and North Korea beat us out. But we barely finished behind France, and most Americans think those people are Satan's Prison Bitches, right? And in this poll, we somehow clobbered Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and even the Kilrathi Homeworld. Maybe we should reconsider having a site devoted entirely to stories about nice, fluffy bunny rabbits. And not the ones used as crotch pads by S&S, either."

The Editor in Chief then added, under his breath, "this is all that bastard JCK's fault, I just know it."

Coaster enthusiasts are reported to be jubilant. "This is great," said Jim Williams, 25. "That website is always taking the piss out of amusement parks and coaster lovers, and that's just wrong and un-American. I feel sure they are minions of the Antichrist, and therefore much worse enemies to our freedom-gorging nation that I love so dearly. I wish they were first on the list, but maybe there are some people who aren't aware of how filthy and disgusting this piece of crap site is. I'm sure if every American read this blasphemous crockery of the Devil, they would think it's far more insidious than world war. Maybe even...I know it's hard to think it's possible...but, even worse than France!"

--JCK

Friday, April 11, 2003

Raging Wolf Bobs to be Even More Incredible

Excited enthusiasts were restrained today from storming the gates of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, immediately following an announcement by the park that Raging Wolf Bobs would be receiving Gerstlauer trains for the next season. Park security was unprepared for the deluge of rabid Gerstlauer fans, reputed to be in excess of 1000 (people, not average raw tonnage), and was forced to summon the National Guard. Although the throng of devoted Gerstlauer fans managed to damage the main gates and entry plaza, the Guardsmen quickly subdued them with a hail of rubber bullets and C2 grenades, as well as knight sticks and elephant tranquilizer guns.

"We are upset by this violent turn of events," stated Gary Biacovsky, manager of the park. "Still, we are pleased by the outpouring of support for our policy of improving this classic woodie and making it all the more scrumptious. We encourage all these rioting heathen to return with their families in order to experience the wonder and majesty of Raging Wolf Bobs with the finest steel and hard fiberglass coaster cars ever created!"

"We were in rapture," stated Matt Bessemer, an Ohio enthusiast, from the prison holding cell where he had just been successfully anally violated by a large thug named "Ben Dover." "We just got kind of carried away and started attacking the guards who wouldn't let us ride Raging Wolf Bobs right then and there. I mean, can you imagine what it's going to be like? Raging Wolf Bobs, the legendary Summers and Dinn creation with such smooth track, incredible speed, bountiful airtime, and no shuffling and banging whatsoever, combined with the most sublime granite-encased rolling stock on the planet? The new incarnation of this ride is sure to kick the ass off of Shivering Timbers and Tremors in Mitch Hawker's next poll!"

In related news, SFWOA said it was pondering buying some used Morgan cars for use on Villain, in the hopes of making it all the tastier, as well.

--JCK


Thursday, April 10, 2003

Fun With Search Engines

Yes, indeed, we got not one but two visitors recently searching for "Jessica Alba belching." Thanks, Google! Glad to be number two on that list!

And to those of you who came here looking for Denise Richards scratching herself, Heather Graham farting, or Cameron Diaz treating head lice, we say: Welcome! We make fun of the amusement industry and coaster enthusiasts! We're sure this is just exactly what you were looking for!

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Exclusive Breaking News -- Update

Over two months ago, ARN&R broke the news that Cedar Point's new coaster would not be what the park had announced (a laughably short and uneventful fifteen-second ride). Since the park is continuing to claim that the ride will simply be launch, up, down, brakes, we feel it necessary to remind you again that ARN&R can exclusvely confirm that this picture is what will, in fact, appear when the park opens, confirming what the best-informed people said earlier in the fall.

And in case you forgot: Jeeper's in Olathe, Kansas, is still slated to get the next B&M flying coaster.

Bank on it.
Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Busch Gardens to Close France

Following the lead of Congress's cafeteria, which recently renamed French fries "Freedom Fries," Busch Gardens Williamsburg announced today it would be closing the French section of their park.

"We can’t risk customers coming to our park and becoming uncomfortable or alienated with their surroundings," stated park spokeswoman Lillary Hutchinson, "Keeping France open would be hypocritical, at least. We will be removing France from park maps and all signage. We will offer no French souvenirs, trinkets or doo-dads. Wines and cheeses will be dumped into the Rhine River. In fact, nowhere in the park will the ‘F’ word be spoken. And all the F‘n Cast Members will be terminated."

The French Quarter of Canada will remain, however. "We cannot blame Canada for their past engagements with the ‘F’ country," continued Hutchinson, "The Quarter will now be known as the ‘Freedom Quarter‘, or ‘F/Q’ for short."

Several alternative European countries have been discussed as replacements: "We tossed around Great Britain, Italy, Germany and Greece," touted Ms. Hutchinson, "until we realized we already had those. We might as well go for Denmark, although there always seems to be something rotten there and we may not want that."

Destruction of the buildings has already begun. Cobblestone avenues have been torn up. Bisque dolls have been placed on the various coasters without safety restraints. Fine crystal ware has been smashed, melted down and made into tacky British ashtrays. "We now have the space for a truly good attraction and promise to have something thrown together by Memorial Day," continued Ms. Hutchinson. "After all, our ultimate goal is to make money...er...I mean, to have our guests leaving the park with the feeling they actually may want to return."

--RAS

Monday, April 07, 2003

Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK
Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK

Saturday, April 05, 2003

ACE Banned From Museum of Contemporary Art Gent

The amusement park and visual art worlds converged with a rare display of unification recently, with the display of an art exhibit called Roller Coaster, 2001, currently being shown at Belgium's Museum of Contemporary Art Ghent, inexplicably abbreviated as S.M.A.K. The exhibit, which consists of an actual sculpted, working small roller coaster set in an indoor art space at the museum, was crafted by Cai Guo-Qiang, 44, widely considered the most innovative and influential Chinese artist in the world at this time. However, the goodwill and exchange of ideas was brought to a halt this weekend, when the American Coaster Enthusiasts were permanently banned from S.M.A.K.

The difficulties began when a crowd of one hundred ACE members showed up at the museum last Saturday. After unsuccessfully demanding an ERT session of two hours on the installation, many ACErs began forming a line to ride the exhibit anyway.

"Since we weren't able to negotiate any ERT, picnics, or behind the scenes tours from the management, despite paying our entrance fee to this park like any old GP, we figured we should at least do some of our famous Western Pennsylvania ACE Region Informal Takeover Times," said regional rep David Harris. "The museum certainly seemed to have a major problem with our informal takeover of Roller Coaster. Informal takeovers don't cost parks any money, and bring them lots of good publicity. If S.M.A.K. can't make some sort of accommodation to coaster enthusiasts, we'll just never come to this sh*thole again. I mean, this is the only ride here! How can they justify the admission price when all they have are themed art exhibits, a shop, and one lame coaster? At least they should add some flat rides and a real adult coaster. Pathetic."

Said exhibit director Gunther Schadenfreude, pictured here in a cheeky moment involving paint and possibly too much time on his hands, "zees Coaster Enthusiasts vere riding ze installation, und making pig dog demands. Zis ve do not accept. Zey vill not disgrace our gesamtschei├čewerke like zis. They shall never return here vile I am in charge!"

Chuckling cruelly, Schadenfreude added, "ve gave them big time S.M.A.K. down on ze way out, ja?"

Opinions on the ride varied amongst ACE members. Billy McTavich, 40, said "I didn't get to ride it. It looked cool, though. There's a nice swerving drop and what looked like a hint of airtime. Maybe the Guggenheim will bring the installation to the United States. To be honest, after that pile of crap Armani exhibit they clogged the aisles with a couple years back, they owe me a coaster."

However, fellow member Jackie Tucker, 21, stated that Roller Coaster “totally sucked, and isn’t built with larger riders in mind. I don’t recommend a visit to this park.”

--JCK

Friday, April 04, 2003

In Scheduling Master Stroke, ACE Announces Appearance by That Guy Who Took a Leak on Top Thrill Dragster for CoasterCon

If you thought the fun of CoasterCon was going to be limited to grotesque demonstrations of the elasticity of the human stomach and whining about trim brakes, think again! Because ACE – in a last-minute addition – just announced that that guy who took a leak on Cedar Point’s new coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, will be at the event and speaking to the group.

"When we heard Helen Hunt had yet again sent her regrets about her inability to join us, we knew we needed someone big," said ACE spokesman Constance Laertes. "And then it hit us – that guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster! That'd be huge!"

That guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster was unavailable for comment, but Laertes told ARN&R that his speech is likely to include a detailed discussion of when he realized he needed to urinate, how far it would have been to walk to a Porta-Potty, the sanitation level of said Porta-Potty, how he came to decide that the particular corner was the appropriate place for him to urinate, how it felt to urinate in that corner, how it felt to learn that a photograph of him urinating was being pored over by hundreds of coaster enthusiasts, and how he has found the fame that comes with being that guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster.

For the next big event, ACE is reportedly attempting to book either that girl from the group home who took a dump next to American Eagle or that guy who masturbated behind Hypersonic: XLC's loading station after meeting Stan Checketts.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee

Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!

Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!

Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.

There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:

Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.

Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.

Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.

Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.
No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation

In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."

Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."

When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"

Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"

Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."

--JCK

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

ARN&R Fails To Win Coasterbuzz Site of Year Award

Coasterbuzz recently posted its list of 2003 awards, and ARN&R is deeply disturbed and concerned that our site did not win. Actually, we barely managed to finish out of last place, despite the fact that we helpfully provided instructions on how to vote multiple times by emptying your cache and cookies. We are therefore unable to follow up on our promise that, if we were victorious, we would never insult or mock any idiots (like Xfan) who post at Coasterbuzz, nor will we be switching our format to consist entirely of fawning portraits of Vekoma, Premier, Six Flags, and the most succulent amusement park foods on sticks. We regret that we must continue savagely mocking enthusiasts and parks for the foreseeable future. You have only yourselves to blame.
Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans

Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.

"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."

Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.

"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"

--JCK

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R

We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.

With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:

1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.

2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."

3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.

4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.

5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.

6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.

7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.

8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.

9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.

10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.

--JCK