Monday, August 30, 2004

Holiday World Unveils Latest Guest Service for 2005

Santa Claus, IN: Holiday World announced this week that there will be a new addition to the free products offered at the home of Raven & Legend: nicotine patches.

"In 2004, Holiday World adopted a no-smoking policy. We understand that this affected a large amount of our customer base and wanted to provide them with something that would keep them in the park," said the park's PR maven in an exclusive interview. "Fortunately, a major pharmaceutical company was there to help." Along with soft drinks and sunscreen, the smoking cessation Nicpatch will be made available to Holiday World guests at no extra fee.

The patches, which have been specially printed with the Holidog Seal of Approval, will be ready for distribution on opening day 2005.

--MMS

Friday, August 27, 2004

Team USA Loses Focus, Loses Game
Athens, Greece

It was a dark day for American basketball fans as they watched their beloved Dream Team lose a semifinal Olympic match-up to the Argentine national team and lose all hope for gold. There has been much speculation in this tournament as to the nature of USA Basketball's struggles: Players that are no longer hungry for Olympic victory, a world catching up in skill level to match our own NBA greats, a gap between coaches and players that even Larry Brown could not overcome, and finally, the announcement of the 2004 Golden Ticket Awards.

In an exclusive post-game interview, ACE Regional Rep and Dream Team co-captain Allen Iverson (aka Coasterbuzz member BeastRida) had this to say: "Man, I don't know. I tried to stay in the game, but how could I stay focused when I know the Beast is goin' up against the Raven for number one? I mean, me and the Beast have been down since day one. That's my dawg. You knowhaimsayn'? It's war out there at Amusement Today. Just like it is out here on the court. Beast is a true soldier. And that just takes a lot outta you, man, when you hear that some New Jack like Thunderhead comes along and steals the Beast's shine like that. You know how much ERT the Beast pulls every year? C'mon, man."

A surprisingly sympathetic coach Brown offered some insight to his players' emotional state: "I could sit here and talk about lack of effort, lack of team chemistry, or lack of practice, but that's not it at all. Who would I be kidding? You can't imagine what it's like for a guy like Steph (Stephon Marbury, Team USA's starting point guard, aka Coneyfreak311 on Thrillnetwork) to grow up in Brooklyn and not see the Cyclone crack the top ten. How can I expect one hundred percent from a guy who just got that news? Really. And poor Timmy (Tim Duncan, aka Eelmaster from URC). He was just devastated by Steel Eel's performance. It totally took him out of his game. We all know that mid course break is on pretty hard, but these voters need to give us a call every once in a while. It's easier to get calls in Staples against the Lakers."

When asked for comment, Marbury had this to say: "What does Manu Ginobili know about a Golden Ticket? Do they even have a wood coaster in Argentina? Hell, no."

-CSB

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Meet Up With Other Tools

It's not every day that you get a chance to rip into someone who advertises on certain coaster-related sites. But this rare and special opportunity comes to us by way of an ad that frequently appears on hypothetical coaster sites that use Google ads. Please have a look at our new Site O' the Weak, Roller Coasters Meetup, or, better yet, go visit them by clicking on any ad you happen to see for the meetup. In this way, you can support Google ad-supported sites while providing the valuable public service of helping others point and laugh at a really dorky website. Everyone wins!

If you're having trouble finding other coaster tools (which is surprising, since they always manage to find you and follow you around at any park you go to anyway), be sure to check out the list of members. Sadly, there are no photo pages yet. But don't forget to use those messageboards! If you didn't feel like those exciting conversations about deep-fry batter or which ride op you most enjoy pissing off by poaching seats and demanding rerides were fully explored at your last Coaster Meetup, then you can waste even more time posting follow-up comments.

Congratulations, Roller Coasters Meetup! May you long continue to earn money for entirely hypothetical coaster sites while we make fun of you.

--JCK


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The New Fashion Season Arrives

Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!



Not willing to go that far? How about this?



Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.

And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Ridge Fails to Amend Patriot Act to Ban Flyer-Snapping

Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.

Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."

But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.

Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.

-–MMS/JCK/CSB

And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Enthusiast Not Nearly as Pathetic as Friends Tell Him

Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.

"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."

Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."

"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."

Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.

"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"

Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.

Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.

--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)



Swift Boat Veterans Also Pretty Sure SFMM Is Cheating On Coaster Count

Adding to their controversial claims regarding John Kerry's service in Vietnam, "non-partisan" group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth today denounced Six Flags Magic Mountain for fraudulently inflating its coaster count. Specifically, the veterans' group contends that Superman: The Escape should not be counted as a roller coaster in the park's efforts to claim records.

"I know Six Flags is claiming Superman as a coaster, because I was there," says Jerome Corsi of the group in an advertisement being shown in swing states. "I was there on vacation. Last year. And that's no coaster."

Roy Hoffman, another member, declared, "Six Flags Magic Mountain is not fit to be a flagship park in this coaster chain, because it's lying about Superman. I was there, I saw it, and it doesn't do anything besides going up and then down again. Total one-trick pony. Plus, Flashback never runs so you shouldn't count that."

"Taer it down," he added in a written statement.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Steeplechase Coaster Undergoes Makeover

Blackpool Pleasure Beach announced today that it will be giving a temporary makeover to its Steeplechase roller coaster, as the park seeks to capitalize on the Olympic spirit sweeping the planet during the current Athens Games. The revamp of the ride will only be for the remainder of the current season.

Currently, passengers at Blackpool ride "bareback" on individual horse-themed cars that provide a surprisingly peppy ride. But the temporary retheming will provide riders with a vastly different experience from the current brisk three-track racer. Indeed, the Steeplechase will now be called Equestrian Challenge: Xtreme Dressage.

After mounting their horses, riders will be treated to an exciting experience where they must make their "horse" dance gaily about and gallivant back and forth in markedly silly and unathletic fashion. The riders, say park reps, will definitely not need to worry about breaking a sweat, but those whose ride vehicles make the most prissy maneuvers on the course will receive medals.

Park reps also note that the Steeplechase ride will come to a complete stop midway through the ride. At this point NBC beach volleyball commentator Karch Kiraly will appear in person to reprise his astonishing Olympic comments such as "she loves to gobble those balls up" and "usually you can't go down like that, but the Czechs are slow."

Blackpool officials refused to comment on what the reasoning behind Kiraly's surrealistic presence on Xtreme Dressage could possibly be.

--JCK

Friday, August 20, 2004

Enthusiast Questions Commitment

Veteran enthusiast Jeff Maltos was left questioning his commitment to roller coasters and other amusement park fare after recently returning from an almost 2-week vacation, which involved no coaster rides whatsoever.

Maltos realized his failings near the end of the trip when he passed an amusement park on the way to his hotel. "I mean I saw the roller coasters gleaming there in the sun, heck I even saw some people on a train heading up the hill I was so close, but I didn’t pester my travel partners to stop so I could partake. And these was a Boomerang and an SLC I’d never ridden before, so I missed out on the credits..." at this point his voice trailed off and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"I just don’t know how I can live with myself anymore," a dejected Mr. Maltos croaked. "I’m deathly afraid to show my face at any coaster club events after such a shameful deed! You sure you aren’t gonna let no one know my real name, right?" he demanded before continuing. (His name has been modified for this story.)

When asked if he was merely being considerate of his fellow travelers by electing to not force them to waste time at an amusement park when there were plenty of other unique activities to be undertaken, he quickly went on the defensive, "Well, what could possibly be more unique than riding a new coaster in a new city; even if it is the same basic ride as elsewhere? I just don’t know what I was thinking." After repeatedly flagellating himself, he curled into the fetal position and wept for several minutes before finally recovering, and emphatically stating: "Never again will I allow myself to pass an opportunity to ride, I promise you that! I just hope none of my enthusiast friends recognizes the guilt in my eyes."

--SM

Thursday, August 19, 2004

We're So Much More Smarterer, We Make Funny Faces for the Onboard Cameras

This weeks' honoree for Site O' the Weak may not be anywhere nearly as bad as Brittany Lynn or Shoewee. Still, if church youth groups are driving around barking at tollbooth operators and enjoying the view of their moistened adult friend Jeremy, we thought it best to alert as many people as possible.

Sfis2cold.EditThisPage.Com (it appears not to have any name more concise than that) also possesses a substantial lack of content, ease of navigability, or proper spelling, but its most magnificent feature may be the article where the host states that "I think that kids would get better grades and be a lot more smarter if they just had one class at a time."

Indeed.

--JCK

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Correction

A friend wrote in to tell us that our article from Saturday had a factual inaccuracy. While the article makes mention of John Tesh as an Olympic commentator, he actually no longer serves in that capacity. Apparently some other buffoon named Al Trout Wig or something took over. We respond in the following manner:

1) Our friend knows way too much about gymnastics and/or the current whereabouts of John Tesh.

2) John Tesh sucks anyway.

3) Not that this was a point of the information we received, but we thought it important to clarify that Bob Costas also still sucks. In fact, he sucks so much that John Tesh once offered to spank him, something that would probably garner far better ratings than puff pieces about athletes who have overcome their grandmother's tragic bunion problem.

Nonetheless, we apologize for our error or something.

--JCK

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Carousel Politely Declines Billy Joel's Offer of Help

The carousel from the defunct Nunley's Amusement Park is in danger of being lost, and singer-songwriter Billy Joel stepped in, hoping to save it. But ARN&R has learned that the carousel has politely declined his offer of help, noting that his music "sucks ass" and that it would rather be divided up or destroyed than associated with "anything vaguely connected with that 'We Didn't Start the Fire' song."

"Look, I appreciate the thought," said the carousel in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "But the dude hasn't done anything even remotely respectable since 'The Nylon Curtain,' and even that was no great shakes. His classical stuff is an insult to anyone who actually knows anything about music, and he had the freakin' nerve to name one of his pieces after me. What a drunken dickweed."

The carousel showed interest in finding other celebrity help. "How about James Taylor? He's practically John Lennon compared to Billy Joel. Or maybe the two Johns [of Brooklyn band They Might Be Giants] would help out. Hell, that woman who ran over the people in the Berkshires would be fine. Just not the freakin' Piano Man."

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Very Special Olympic Rerun

In celebration of the start of the Olympic Games, we offer this extra very most special rerun treat of a past article involving the most important sporting event ever created, the Midway Olympics. And if those pricks John Tesh ("I can assault you with my music, my idiotic commentary and even my gorgeous, fluffy hair!") and Bob Costas ("The Central African Republic is in...central Africa!") get on your nerves over the next couple weeks (and they will), be sure to visit ARN&R for all the breaking news updates you need. Or something.

PKD Midway Olympics Revised

Paramount’s King’s Dominion developed a little special treat for ACE members attending the historic 25th anniversary Coaster Con, to be held next week at the popular Virginia park. As reported in the event flyer and in ACE News, PKD will be featuring the PKD Midway Olympics, which was to be “team tournament play in all our favorite Midway games: Whack-A-Mole, Quarter Toss, Skee Ball, Ring Toss, Basketball Free Throw, and others.”

Unfortunately, vehement protests by ACE members promptly curtailed the scheduled games. “I don’t think most members of our organization would be capable of doing most of these games,” said Bob Gooboski, 43. “King’s Dominion is really being unfair with these games, considering how nerdy and sedentary most of us are. If it doesn’t have something directly to do with useless information about a roller coaster or our mom’s basements or jacking off, they can’t expect us to be putting in any effort. Sorry.”

Hundreds of other members voiced similar complaints, complaining, for example, that it would be “completely unreasonable for ACE members to undergo the incredible exertion required to shoot a few basketballs,” and that “the only thing we’re capable of tossing is the ham javelin.” Sources tell ARN&R that a boycott was imminent as of last night, leading to fears that ERT lines would be under four hours on some days of the conference.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. “All it took was a quick revision,” says Mike Rotch, PKD’s Assistant Manager of Special Olympic Events. “We’ve dropped all of these physically demanding exercises and tough mental challenges that no enthusiast is remotely capable of completing. Instead, we’ll have an Olympics with really great, fun events that are sure to please these ACE members.”

Rotch went on to confirm that all previously announced events would be cancelled, and that the following ones would be established in their place: Identifying the Bastard Ride Ops Who Staple You in Your Seat, Barbecue Eating Contest, Listing Dozens of Your Favorite Obscure Coasters to Family Members and Random Strangers Who Don’t Give a S%#&, Pie Eating Contest, Writing Detailed Notes on Each Coaster Ride While on it Instead of Enjoying the Damn Thing, Chicken Eating Contest, Pathetically Following the Three Attractive Female ACE Members Like Pathetic Little Yapping Dogs, Gravy Drinking, Bitching About Not Getting Loads of Free Stuff After Getting Loads of Free Stuff, Lard Eating Contest, and, of course, Vigorous Masturbation. ACE members universally applauded the new format. The competition thus far seems to be evenly matched, with no clear-cut favorites, except of course in the Vigorous Masturbation category, where Thunder P&#%sy of the Coaster Preservation Organzation 'Formly' Club is considered unassailable.

--JCK

Friday, August 13, 2004

Enthusiast Helpfully Corrects Ride Operator Terminology

In what all involved called "an incredibly giving and generous moment" and "not at all annoying," enthusiast Cameron Krinkland today provided helpful tips to a rider operator at Lake Compounce in Connecticut.

The ride operator, 19-year-old Kristin Bloodgood, had been repeating the same spiel she had repeated all summer: "Welcome to Boulder Dash! When the gates open, please enter the seat row directly ahead of you and place your items on the opposite platform. Thanks and enjoy your ride!"

Krinkland chuckled and shook his head. "Excuse me, miss...is it Kristin?" he said, leering at her nametag. "I heard you refer to 'seat row,' and you probably would want to know that on PTCs, those are called 'benches.' No, don't thank me -- I just want you to be the best and perkiest ride operator you can be." Ignoring Bloodgood's sullen glare, Krinkland continued: "Would you like to see my track record? I've got it right here on my Palm."

In the past, Krinkland has written a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, which had identified a powered children's ride as a roller coaster ("Experts agree that to be a coaster, it must operate on gravity; the 'Dragon Coaster' does not, and you do your readers a disservice suggesting otherwise") and become violent when a young child identified Excalibur at Valleyfair! as a wooden coaster, when in fact the trains ride on steel track.

Reached for comment, Krinkland said that he was considering asking Bloodgood out, stating that "she totally wanted me." Bloodgood, reached for comment, vomited.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Coming Soon to a Theme Park Near You: Joe Dirt: The Ride

Well, they did it. Paramount's Canada's Wonderland has announced their new-for-2005 coaster, The Italian Job Stunt Track. While we certainly don't want to diss the installation of any new roller coaster, unless it's by Vekoma, we're a little dismayed that Paramount is so desperate for movie franchises to turn into amusement park attractions that they selected yet another bland action flick that no one will remember in three years.

In an effort to discourage parks from turning horrible (Tomb Raider: The Ride) or even merely tepid and predictable (The Italian Job Stunt Track) movies into rides, we initiate the punitive action of making the preview page for the new attraction our Site O' the Weak. If we don't do this, it's only a matter of time before someone builds Hudson Hawk: The Ride or Highlander IV: Endgame Experience or Gigli: The Decimation.

Even if we weren't providing this valuable public service, this page could be a candidate due solely to its blatant product placement (Drive a MINI! Your very own MINI! We got lots of money from the makers of the MINI and we're going to cram the little bitches down your f*cking throat!).

--JCK

[Ed. Note: We're assuming JCK had a very good reason for only mentioning the Bad Movie Stunt Track going into Canada's Wonderland and not the one going into Kings Island. Perhaps the PKI preview page will be next week's Site O' The Weak.]

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Enthusiasts Enjoy Ride on Mean Streak

In news that must come as an immense shock to any human who was been on more than three roller coasters in his or her entire life, two coaster lovers actually had a very fine time recently during their ride on Cedar Point's Mean Streak. Although most people with any sense whatsoever find the Mean Streak to be unbearably rough, overbraked, and endlessly long and boring, enthusiasts Andrew Pongracz and Rick Bergman defied all known laws of physics in having a perfectly entertaining time on the giant woodie.

"Rick and I had such enjoyable discussions," said Pongracz. "Sometimes we'll be on a roller coaster that's good, and we're just screaming and talking about coasters and stuff. But Mean Streak was so lame and lasted so long, we really got chatting about lots of other interesting subjects and expanded our minds. It was great!"

Pongracz noted that the pair initially admired the view from the ride's lift hill, and discussed the fluctuations of toxicity levels in Lake Erie over the years. After halfheartedly raising their hands for the ride's tepid, hyperbraked first drop, the two launched into a spirited discussion about Albrecht Altdorfer's use of chiaroscuro. Following that, Bergman convinced a dubious Pongracz that first trimester trophoblast cells create immune cell apoptosis by secreting a Fas ligand. At that point, Pongracz switched topics to gourmet cooking, and convinced Bergman that a light citrus glaze would complement the flavor of a rare tuna steak far better than a heavier chipotle coulee or mango chutney.

Pongracz and Bergman then took a break from their little chat to do some reading. Pongracz completed Les Miserables, while Bergman nearly finished Solzhenitsyn's The Gulag Archipelago.

Following the three-hour-long midcourse brake, the two then delved into further academic and artistic pursuits together. According to Bergman, the pair successfully translated the complete works of Sartre into Hindustani, composed a ninety-minute prog-rock masterpiece called "Pug of Assisi," solved Fermat's Last Theorem, and made fun of each other's top ten coaster lists.

Allegedly, Pongracz also found time on the final brake run to note that riding Mean Streak was "like a cross between a rough proctology exam and a night in a Turkish prison."

"I'm so glad that this coaster was so endless and boring, and we had time to accomplish all these things we did," said an elated Bergman. "Just think, if Mean Streak didn't blow then we'd have just spent the last seven hours going 'Wheeeeeeee!' Fortunately, it did blow, and we got to spend all those hours on it broadening our minds. It's my new number one."

--JCK/ALP

Monday, August 09, 2004

Enthusiast Fails Spectacularly to Design Dark Ride Themed After Gounoud's Faust

In what he describes as "an incredible experience," coaster and classical music enthusiast Kirk James failed spectacularly to design an elaborately themed dark ride after attending an presentation of an obscure operatic version of the legendary Faust story.

"I'd seen this kick-ass presentation of the opera at some community college with an amazing viola section, and I started to think, 'Hey, this could work at Islands of Adventure!'" said James in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "So I started some drawings and ended up with a two-inch binder of materials to send down to Universal."

The ride he imagined opened, as did the opera, with Faust wearing, for no identifiable reason, a Klingon mask, only to remove it upon striking a deal with the devil. But instead of launching into, for example, a high-speed coaster-style ride a la "Revenge of the Mummy," reflecting Faust's adventures with the devil on his side, James's design contemplated riders sitting in unmoving seats for approximately seven hours of opera.

James insisted that riders would not get bored, thanks to the surtitles with translations of what was happening on stage. "That makes opera rock, and the kids'll love it! Also, the chick I have in mind to play Faust's girlfriend will smile inappropriately at every moment, including during the time at which she's killing her unborn baby, so that'll be fun too," said James. The ride will conclude with riders taking what James described as "a wild and crazy ride" on an enormous viola bow.

Universal ride engineers, reached for comment, said they did not expect to install the Faust ride at any point during the coming two eons. "But could you have him send in more proposals? That stuff's funny!" they added.

James is reportedly in the process of developing a modified Tilt-A-Whirl to be based on Wagner's Ring Cycle.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Batwing Causes Anal Bleeding, Claims Enthusiast

Batwing, the Vekoma Flyer at at widely-worshipped and beloved Six Flags America, causes anal bleeding, according to an enthusiast who rode it two days ago.

"That thing sucks!" sputtered Antoine Chavez, 30. "There's been blood in my stool all day from riding that piece of crap."

Under thorough examination, it was discovered that Batwing was possibly only an indirect cause of his gory discharge. Apparently the ride caused him severe headaches and neck strain, which led him to take large amounts of Motrin.

"Huh," said Chavez when shown the bottle of the pain reliever. "So you're only supposed to take six tablets in any 24 hour period, eh? Well, I took twenty. But I'm not fully convinced that my butt is hemorrhaging because I don't bother to read labels. I still think Batwing probed me or something."

--JCK

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast Hired as Expert for Montel Show

Coaster enthusiasts have certainly been seen before on daytime talk shows, generally on Springer, where they are frequently confronted by surprise guest Momma on how they need to "get [their] fat ass out of my trailer and get a job" or receive makeovers to pull them out of the depression they feel at not being laid even once by their fiftieth birthdays. However, in all of recorded history, not once has a coaster tool been hired as an expert commentator by a talk show, until now.

Last Monday, one lucky enthusiast was contracted by the Montel Show to appear as a regular guest. His duties consist of appearing on air as much as twice weekly to assist Montel Williams in reaching out to troubled people with his message of hope and conflict resolution.

"My extensive training in anger management, crisis resolution, and compassion for others makes me a natural candidate for this job," said the enthusiast. "Also, I told Montel I would follow him around, send him threatening letters, and call him up every half hour and pant to him on his phone if he didn't hire me."

His first taped episode aired this Monday. Titled "How to Get Someone Who Wants Nothing to do With You to Notice You by Stalking Them and Making Threats," this edition of Montel featured people who were depressed, as they desperately needed new ways to psychotically harass people. The insightful enthusiast gently counseled the deranged lunatics with his story of how he stated in a public forum that he planned to harass the unwilling object of his desires at both her office (which he would have to drive way out of the way for) and at a coaster event.

"It worked out great for me," he said to the stalkers. "I gained so much respect on the forums for threatening people publicly and not taking the hint that a chick thinks I'm a creep, I decided to make some more idiotic posts this year!"

He then regaled the deviant show guests with his exciting tale of graphic sex, cat mortality, his tragic expenditure of hundreds of dollars on a woman, and his obvious continued obsession about a girl after she dumped him years ago, explaining to the guests that "once you find love in your heart, it's perfectly normal and healthy to write extensive psycho posts about people for years upon years instead of getting a life and moving on."

He additionally recommended that, like him, the show's guests make insane rants in a Usenet discussion group instead of a moderated forum, as this would insure that possible incriminating statements would remain easily accessible to law enforcement agencies for decades to come, since posts on Usenet groups cannot generally be deleted.

Although only one episode of the Montel Show with the enthusiast as an expert has actually aired, fans should expect to see a great deal of him in upcoming weeks, especially if they are female. He appears twice next week; first he gives a sympathetic lecture to young losers in the episode titled "Do You Live With a Compulsive Liar?" In it, he will detail his shameful experience of making up wild sex tales to share with the readership of rec.roller-coaster, and the damage it did to his psyche to realize that bragging about imaginary conquests in no way made him more attractive to girls. After that, Montel viewers can look forward to a show called "But Officer, She Said She Was Eighteen!" In it, Montel's advisor will share with guests his interest in discussing, by name, what ride ops he thinks are hot, and also give advice in locating Age of Consent laws in various states.

Finally, he will make a surprise appearance on Montel in the episode called "Pets That Rape."

"It's true that the enthusiast wouldn't be an obvious candidate to counsel people who have been sodomized by their own pets, since he's our conflict management guy," noted Montel Williams. "But he shared with me his terrible ordeal of having a cat 'who always get[s] her way with [him]' and 'simply owns [him],' and we knew he was the perfect guy to help these poor pet owners deal with the grief Rover and Fluffy caused them."

Williams further noted his pride at having a new employee whose recent rec.roller-coaster thread had been named the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Monday, August 02, 2004

Couple Wins Legal Battle Against Alton Towers

Farley Village residents and pottery makers Stephen and Suzanne Roper won a private prosecution ruling against neighboring Alton Towers today. The couple has fought the park for twenty-five years in an effort to keep noise levels down. In the decision, the judge noted that the roller coaster Oblivion is severely flawed, in that people scream while they are on it. Additionally, he spent a weekend with the Ropers to observe nearby Alton Towers, as well as view the couple's Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze-like pottery-making shenanigans, and concluded that mechanical noises, voices, and the pitter-patter of small woodland creatures were all noise ordinance violations. At a later hearing, it could be determined that Alton Towers could receive severe penalties for disturbing the people who live nearby.

"It's true that Alton Towers has been here longer," said the judge. "But that doesn't matter. We have to protect people in the local area, even if they are stupid enough to buy a house right next to an amusement park and think there won't be any bloody noise."

Pleased with their victory against the forces of fun and good, the Ropers have announced that they plan to purchase a Hummer and then bitch about how low the gas mileage is, buy an apartment across from a school and bitch about how many children are running around nearby, buy the Freddy Got Fingered Special Box Set DVD and bitch about how much it sucks, and buy their very own TOGO coaster and bitch about how it hurts their heads.

They also plan to continue spying on Jack Tripper in an effort to determine whether or not he is a homosexual.

--JCK
Red Sox Not Done Dealing

Although most baseball insiders figured the Boston Red Sox were done wheeling and dealing after their shocking multi-team trade that sent fan favorite and frequent All-Star Nomar Garciaparra to the Chicago Cubs and garnered them what Sox General Manager Theo Epstein delightedly called "the best defensive designated hitter available" and a "shortstop who is definitely warm and probably breathing," the team has continued to make moves at a frenzied pace.

This comes despite the difficulty teams have in making trades after July 31, since all players involved must now clear waivers.

The first player to go after "Nomah" was pitcher Derek Lowe, who was traded by the Sox to Sylvan Beach Amusement Park for their Galaxi coaster and a bumper car to be named later.

"Epstein can spin this any way he wants, but it really seems like the team has just given up," said Baseball America's Juan Manning. "Although this Galaxi is a well-maintained example of its type, and has the size and speed to be a versatile fit in most parks, it's too old to bring the heat like Lowe. Giving up good pitching for a well-travelled, solid, utility coaster makes no sense to me. And the throw-in of one bumper car won't even provide short-term relief for the Sox."

Manning stated that the Red Sox have several other major deals in the works, assuming all the necessary players clear waivers. "We predict some pretty major ones going down within the next week," he said. These reportedly include the Sox moving Tim Wakefield to Wild Adventures for a giraffe and a used Elvira simulator, Johnny Damon to the Braves for "a pocketful of change," and Pedro Martinez to the Yankees for "whatever."

--JCK

[Editor's Note: In other sporting event news, the Bengals visit Boardwalk & Baseball and Claude Mabillard is traded.]

Sunday, August 01, 2004

"Letters to Rollercoaster!" Returns

Although Rollercoaster! Magazine reportedly received substantial popular and critical acclaim with its titillating "Letters to Rollercoaster!" feature, the column, where enthusiasts discuss true-life sexy and outrageous coaster experiences, has not made a return appearance since its first two editions. Bored housewives and stay-at-home enthusiasts starving for excitement need pine no longer, however, for the next issue of RC is set to feature the third installment of the column. As usual, our spies at the magazine have provided us with an advance copy of the letter:

Dear RC:

With great interest it was that I read a recent article on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors about a prominent ACE member showing his pasty, pimply butt cheeks while riding an Alabama roller coaster. I, too, have experienced the same awesomely sexy display of manflesh in my time. In fact, the incident involved the very same prominent ACE member, and though I was not privy to the incident described at ARN&R, the happenings I witnessed still fill me with arousal and ardor, the likes of which overtake me only when I read books with Fabio on the cover. Or when I see ACE convention group photos.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the Preservation Con a couple years ago. You know, the one at Canobie Lake. I'm not going to bother looking up the date; that's your job! Anyway, it was morning ERT. The Cannonball was DDM for much of the morning, but the crew worked hard to get it going for a few rides, at least. Some of us were happy they got it going at all, and since we'd had plenty of rides already the night before and since the park was so cool, we weren't worried about how many rides we got. Then again, some tools were sprinting around at full speed to squeeze in as many rides as possible before the scum of the Earth (Editor's Note: we assume she means the GP) were let on.

My friends and I were well up the loading ramp and had a good view of the area below us. We were just commenting on how this one prominent ACE figure had some bizarre open, seeping wounds on his elbows all weekend. I was wondering if we should offer him some sort of soothing unguents or salves, since it looked pretty gross and painful.

Right as we were discussing this person, he came sprinting out of the Exit area of the Cannonball, intent upon getting a last ERT ride in in the last few seconds allotted us. A few steps off the ramp, though, this guy's pants practically exploded off him as we was running, and he fell down and ate dirt, with his pants completely flopping around his ankles. Sadly, his undies didn't follow, but they were torn, so you could still see patches of that wonderful ass. The really hilarious thing was that this didn't seem to cause him any shame, because he got right up, and, instead of hiking his damn drawers up, he resumed running toward the line, all the while stumbling and pulling feebly at his pants, like they were going to get back on. His quest for one more ride robbed him of his last shred of human dignity, as he was bumbling along in his underwear in full view of hundreds of people. He also didn't manage to get back to the line in time due to the drag his pants were putting on his ankles, so he had to wait with the rest of the GP for his next ride.

I can't begin to describe how erotic this whole scene was. I certainly hope to go to more events where this ACE member goes. He seems to have a major problem keeping his pants where they belong, and I sure hope I'll be there to see it when it happens again. Damn, it makes me quiver.

Sincerely,
Tammy Lasker

--JCK