Sunday, January 11, 2004

ARN&R Now Available in Shizzle-Vision

Due to an exclusive partnership with Snoop Dogg: Tha Shizzalator, ARN&R is proud to announce that we are now available in Shizzle-Vision. Please have a look at our front page in this exciting new bonus format! (Just type in "absolutelyreliable.com" and Shizzolate! It's that easy!) And all of this comes free to you, our loyal subscriber, at no extra cost!
Bush Confident U.S. Forces Will Locate Weapon

United States Dictator for All Eternity George W. Bush announced today that U.S. Forces, or perhaps Coalition troops from Trinidad & Tobago or Palau or Macedonia, would definitely be uncovering secret Iraqi weapons any second now.

"We have very creditable evidences that there are indeed a weapon, and that the Iraqis were planning on to using them and that we will have them real soon like so it was real good we stopped them," Bush babbled to reporters.

"We have very strong proof that Iraq had developed a launched, inverting bobsled coaster," said Bush, picking his nose. "The development of this weapon for use in the worldwide coaster wars would have endangered the freedom-loving peoples of Iraq and of our great nation and our coaster manufracturating firms, and it had to be stopped. We just need to find this prototype which definitely exists but we just have not founded it yet but it's really there. Another seventeen years over there and I'm totally sure we'll locate it. Or plant one of our own, if we need to."

Bush also added that he had received "really accurate and not at all made-up" reports from "some dude" that indicate the U.S. may need to invade Russia to locate and destroy a wood coaster that jumps over spaces in the tracks, Finland to eliminate the threat posed by a launched backward stand-up coaster, and Utah to "stop the potential coaster war danger posed by that awesome twenty-year-old, never-purchased Arrow Pipeline prototype they always love to show in the coaster specials on TV."

--JCK