Thursday, August 05, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast Hired as Expert for Montel Show

Coaster enthusiasts have certainly been seen before on daytime talk shows, generally on Springer, where they are frequently confronted by surprise guest Momma on how they need to "get [their] fat ass out of my trailer and get a job" or receive makeovers to pull them out of the depression they feel at not being laid even once by their fiftieth birthdays. However, in all of recorded history, not once has a coaster tool been hired as an expert commentator by a talk show, until now.

Last Monday, one lucky enthusiast was contracted by the Montel Show to appear as a regular guest. His duties consist of appearing on air as much as twice weekly to assist Montel Williams in reaching out to troubled people with his message of hope and conflict resolution.

"My extensive training in anger management, crisis resolution, and compassion for others makes me a natural candidate for this job," said the enthusiast. "Also, I told Montel I would follow him around, send him threatening letters, and call him up every half hour and pant to him on his phone if he didn't hire me."

His first taped episode aired this Monday. Titled "How to Get Someone Who Wants Nothing to do With You to Notice You by Stalking Them and Making Threats," this edition of Montel featured people who were depressed, as they desperately needed new ways to psychotically harass people. The insightful enthusiast gently counseled the deranged lunatics with his story of how he stated in a public forum that he planned to harass the unwilling object of his desires at both her office (which he would have to drive way out of the way for) and at a coaster event.

"It worked out great for me," he said to the stalkers. "I gained so much respect on the forums for threatening people publicly and not taking the hint that a chick thinks I'm a creep, I decided to make some more idiotic posts this year!"

He then regaled the deviant show guests with his exciting tale of graphic sex, cat mortality, his tragic expenditure of hundreds of dollars on a woman, and his obvious continued obsession about a girl after she dumped him years ago, explaining to the guests that "once you find love in your heart, it's perfectly normal and healthy to write extensive psycho posts about people for years upon years instead of getting a life and moving on."

He additionally recommended that, like him, the show's guests make insane rants in a Usenet discussion group instead of a moderated forum, as this would insure that possible incriminating statements would remain easily accessible to law enforcement agencies for decades to come, since posts on Usenet groups cannot generally be deleted.

Although only one episode of the Montel Show with the enthusiast as an expert has actually aired, fans should expect to see a great deal of him in upcoming weeks, especially if they are female. He appears twice next week; first he gives a sympathetic lecture to young losers in the episode titled "Do You Live With a Compulsive Liar?" In it, he will detail his shameful experience of making up wild sex tales to share with the readership of rec.roller-coaster, and the damage it did to his psyche to realize that bragging about imaginary conquests in no way made him more attractive to girls. After that, Montel viewers can look forward to a show called "But Officer, She Said She Was Eighteen!" In it, Montel's advisor will share with guests his interest in discussing, by name, what ride ops he thinks are hot, and also give advice in locating Age of Consent laws in various states.

Finally, he will make a surprise appearance on Montel in the episode called "Pets That Rape."

"It's true that the enthusiast wouldn't be an obvious candidate to counsel people who have been sodomized by their own pets, since he's our conflict management guy," noted Montel Williams. "But he shared with me his terrible ordeal of having a cat 'who always get[s] her way with [him]' and 'simply owns [him],' and we knew he was the perfect guy to help these poor pet owners deal with the grief Rover and Fluffy caused them."

Williams further noted his pride at having a new employee whose recent rec.roller-coaster thread had been named the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.