Wednesday, March 15, 2006

REW Protest at Six Flags America Unsuccessful

A protest arranged by the REW (Rotoshake Enthusiasts of the World) in front of Largo, Maryland's Six Flags America was a total failure, say witnesses. Six Flags America recently spent thousands of dollars to rip out their installation of the Rotoshake, the well-adored Iron Eagle; this promptly drew the ire of REW, which seeks to protect and celebrate the world's treasured and rapidly vanishing star of the midway, the Zamperla-build puke ride generically known as the Rotoshake.

Arranged to draw attention to the "callous removal of a beloved icon," the protest was intended to feature large crowds waving anti-Six Flags banners and shaking their fists, possibly culminating in numerous REW members drawing attention to the ride's plight by being dragged off to jail. Unfortunately, nothing of the sort occurred, as the highway leading past SFA was as serene and uncrowded as any other day when the park is not open. Not a single protestor showed up to demand an end to the destruction of a rare and priceless Rotoshake.

However, it doesn't end there. After much research, ARN&R has discovered that REW not only failed to send any protestors to SFA at the scheduled time, but that REW actually does not have any members whatsoever. None. The only puzzling fact is how an organization could exist, have a name, and have a scheduled protest they could fail to attend, without possessing a single member, but apparently it happened somehow.

"I guess nobody gives a shit about whether a park keeps a really painful flat ride or not," said a random bored-looking guy standing in his front yard in nearby Bowie, Maryland. The man said he might get annoyed if Six Flags America tried to get rid of Karaoke in the Crazy Horse Saloon, however.

ACE Moves to New Online Host

Tired of its slightly stodgy, no-frills website, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has relocated to a new online provider. Although many have assumed that changes were in the works for the world's largest coaster enthusiast community, details for any projects involving ACE Online have been kept entirely under wraps.

Until now, that is. ACE officials today announced that the organization's website will undergo a massive renovation orchestrated by Christian Riese Lassen, the "premier marine artist of our time."

"It was time for a radical innovation in how we present our information to club members and to the public," said an ACE PR rep. "Right now, you just go there and read data. But wouldn't it be much more exciting to come to our site and, before reading that boring old coaster club information, you experience the wonder of an entry page with cheesy animations, wilderness sound effects, a picture of some ridiculous-looking blonde dude, and a voice whispering 'Lassssssssssssssssssennnnnnn.' Or, in our case, it can be a picture of the Executive Committee and the voice could go 'Coasssssssssssster Ennnnnnnnnnnttttthhhhussssssssiasts.' We're still working on the details, but it's the overall concept that's important."

The PR rep told us that Mr. Lassen would handle all aspects of designing the new ACE website. "He's so multi-talented he can handle everything," said the rep. "He can certainly create a unique visual look for the site; note how he has previously created stunning art encompassing everything from marine mammals to naked women to unique Lassen Vision creations where he actually paints himself into his own pieces. We can have him place any of these wondrous things into the appropriate coaster-related context when he designs our new site."

"Personally, I hope he'll paint himself writhing around on Top Thrill Dragster, with his beautiful blonde hair flowing in the wind behind him," added the blushing ACE representative.

"Additionally," the rep added, "we can have him do the music for ACE. For our money, it just doesn't get any better than when he turns his considerable talents to musical compositions such as 'Turn the Tide' and 'Cry a Tear.' And of course if we need to write some descriptive text that has loads of completely unneccesary italics, we know where to go."

The new, all-Flash, Lassen-inspired ACE website is expected to debut within the next month. The only section of the website that will be unaffected by the alterations will be the General Store page, which ACE officials tell us "is already setting the standard for professionalism in the entire industry, and needs no tinkering whatsoever."